Hello, my name is Jenny. This is my first post to this board, reading other messages here the last few days has helped me. Hopefully sharing this will help others as well as myself. I'd also like to meet some people here who could provide good examples and share support.
I live with my husband who is an alcoholic / addict. We have been together for 12 years. He actively drinks on and off, his disease is very practiced at stopping when life gets a little too uncomfortable and waiting patiently for the right moment to start back up again. Unfortunately he has not found the peace that therapy and a program can bring. Fortunately I have just started to. I was very trusting and very good at denying the need for a program to help make my life managable. We were special, together we could accomplish anything .... well .... that only works when the whole party is interested in achieving a goal
A couple months ago I realised he was using again, by discovering that some of my personal items were missing and opening a loan agreement in the mail that I thought was one of those many offers for credit cards that come in the mail weekly. All my senses left me and once again I turned into the shrew that did nothing but ram her head against a brick wall named his denial. Eventually we went to counseling 3 times ... then he left the house ... I continued counseling and attending Al Anon meetings. I'm feeling better, thinking clearer. Most of the time anyway
So 2 weeks ago he called up crying, saying he was done, had hit bottom ... could he come back and figure out what to do. Of course I agreed, hope filled me, miracles can happen. And to top it all off I told him I needed him to go back to therapy and attend AA meetings. Yeah ... anyway in the mean time I have had legal seperation papers filled out, mainly to protect myself from his decision making skills at the moment. So in the last 2 weeks he has been sober, even mowed the lawn and cooked and did dishes, but no counseling no meetings, nothing to learn to love himself and learn the things I am coming to rely upon. I am of course disappointed but proud I have not asked, pushed or screamed about it at all.
Today he got paid, gave me the agreed upon amount to pay our combined bills and left with the rest. I tried to keep myself busy, even went to a museum and surrounded myself with the beauty of art, lunch at my favorite place .... then I came home ... and here I sit. looking at the clock, trying to remember to let go and let HP, not to take on that job of worrying and wishing I could make him better. Working these steps and remembering the slogans does help. Years of training myself to take care of everything is much harder to release than I ever could have imagined. As I typed let go and let HP, my phone rang, he's at the store ... is there anything I would like? He'll be home soon, my heart rests easier. Someday I will be able to do that for myself and it won't take a phone call from him to trust, I hope. Have Faith.
Jill said
Jun 3, 2005
Hi Jenny, I'm glad to meet you. Your post urned on a light bulb for me. You said he is doing nothing to learn to love himself. That really is the core of it for me. Once, I didn't love myself. And it is possible to learn that most wonderful lesson. You write of wonderful skills. You're going to be OK regardless of his behavior.
Jill
Jolert said
Jun 4, 2005
Hi Jill, it's nice to meet you too! Thank you for the vote of confidence. Jenny
Diva said
Jun 4, 2005
Hi Jenny. Your well-written post tells me that you have your head on straight. That's refreshing!! I can tell that you are strong and bright, and that you will take care of Jenny. I send all my positive thoughts your way. I wish you happiness and well-being.
..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ ..·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ ...·´ Diva-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*
Jolert said
Jun 4, 2005
Hi Diva, thank you for your kind words. My head is on straight ... now I just have to work on all the times the rest of me gets bent out of shape. *laugh* Jenny
megan said
Jun 4, 2005
Hi Jenny and welcome
I have been in alanon since last July and have 2 therapy sessions under my belt.
through many many attempts and failures for my husband to quit drinking I finally left 4 weeks ago.
Working with my therapist we have agreed on a plan. My Alcoholic is to be sober and in a program for 6 months before I consider to move back with him.
We both don't think this will happen..
Last year he quit drinking for 5 months and things were better but he was a "dry drunk" he did not change his behaviors and eventually went back to drinking "due to stress""
Just my expereince
megan
Jolert said
Jun 4, 2005
Hi Megan, Nice to meet you and thank you for sharing with me.
I know his chances of being happy and coping with his problems are extremely small to none without taking the steps to help himself. I guess no matter what happens I am grateful for a bit of time to get on my feet and put myself in a better position for decisions on whatever the future brings. I'm not ready to put a deadline on the where when and how's but at least I know wnow that life for me can not continue on the same course it has been. I'm just not sure in what direction I am supposed to follow yet. I trust it will come to me in time. Meanwhile I am glad to have accepted that I need this program and therapy to help myself. I keep thinking of that movie "What about Bob?" ... baby steps. *laugh* Jenny
hoarem said
Jun 6, 2005
I am new here. But an old hand (14 years) at trying to keep a relationship going with an alcoholic, I guess itis a different proposition for a woman. We have three children, two girls and a boy and I am a stepdad to the girls. I didn't realise that my partner was an alcoholic and by then she was pregnant with my son. I love her and she is a super person when she is sober and I love the children and couldn't leave them even if I wanted to. But if I had known before hand I would never have got into the relationship. I don't want to be a downer but your last sentence gave me the impression that you might be looking forward to having children with your husband and he is an alcoholic, from my experience children and drink don't go together. With love Mark
Jolert said
Jun 7, 2005
Hello Mark, nice to meet you. As confused as I am about what I want out of my relationship and only myself to be concerned with, I can't imagine having children too. Not that I wouldn't like to have one, I just know it would add more stress to the situation. My last sentence in the post was about the movie "What About Bob" in it a therapist talks about taking baby steps in order to work your way up to making big changes in your life, not baby steps literally I thank you for your input, it makes a lot of sense to me. Take good care of yourself
Hello, my name is Jenny. This is my first post to this board, reading other messages here the last few days has helped me. Hopefully sharing this will help others as well as myself. I'd also like to meet some people here who could provide good examples and share support.
I live with my husband who is an alcoholic / addict. We have been together for 12 years. He actively drinks on and off, his disease is very practiced at stopping when life gets a little too uncomfortable and waiting patiently for the right moment to start back up again. Unfortunately he has not found the peace that therapy and a program can bring. Fortunately I have just started to. I was very trusting and very good at denying the need for a program to help make my life managable. We were special, together we could accomplish anything .... well .... that only works when the whole party is interested in achieving a goal
A couple months ago I realised he was using again, by discovering that some of my personal items were missing and opening a loan agreement in the mail that I thought was one of those many offers for credit cards that come in the mail weekly. All my senses left me and once again I turned into the shrew that did nothing but ram her head against a brick wall named his denial. Eventually we went to counseling 3 times ... then he left the house ... I continued counseling and attending Al Anon meetings. I'm feeling better, thinking clearer. Most of the time anyway
So 2 weeks ago he called up crying, saying he was done, had hit bottom ... could he come back and figure out what to do. Of course I agreed, hope filled me, miracles can happen. And to top it all off I told him I needed him to go back to therapy and attend AA meetings. Yeah ... anyway in the mean time I have had legal seperation papers filled out, mainly to protect myself from his decision making skills at the moment. So in the last 2 weeks he has been sober, even mowed the lawn and cooked and did dishes, but no counseling no meetings, nothing to learn to love himself and learn the things I am coming to rely upon. I am of course disappointed but proud I have not asked, pushed or screamed about it at all.
Today he got paid, gave me the agreed upon amount to pay our combined bills and left with the rest. I tried to keep myself busy, even went to a museum and surrounded myself with the beauty of art, lunch at my favorite place .... then I came home ... and here I sit. looking at the clock, trying to remember to let go and let HP, not to take on that job of worrying and wishing I could make him better. Working these steps and remembering the slogans does help. Years of training myself to take care of everything is much harder to release than I ever could have imagined. As I typed let go and let HP, my phone rang, he's at the store ... is there anything I would like? He'll be home soon, my heart rests easier. Someday I will be able to do that for myself and it won't take a phone call from him to trust, I hope. Have Faith.
Hi Jenny, I'm glad to meet you. Your post urned on a light bulb for me. You said he is doing nothing to learn to love himself. That really is the core of it for me. Once, I didn't love myself. And it is possible to learn that most wonderful lesson. You write of wonderful skills. You're going to be OK regardless of his behavior.
Jill
Hi Diva, thank you for your kind words. My head is on straight ... now I just have to work on all the times the rest of me gets bent out of shape. *laugh* Jenny
Hi Jenny and welcome
I have been in alanon since last July and have 2 therapy sessions under my belt.
through many many attempts and failures for my husband to quit drinking I finally left 4 weeks ago.
Working with my therapist we have agreed on a plan. My Alcoholic is to be sober and in a program for 6 months before I consider to move back with him.
We both don't think this will happen..
Last year he quit drinking for 5 months and things were better but he was a "dry drunk" he did not change his behaviors and eventually went back to drinking "due to stress""
Just my expereince
megan
Hi Megan, Nice to meet you and thank you for sharing with me.
I know his chances of being happy and coping with his problems are extremely small to none without taking the steps to help himself. I guess no matter what happens I am grateful for a bit of time to get on my feet and put myself in a better position for decisions on whatever the future brings. I'm not ready to put a deadline on the where when and how's but at least I know wnow that life for me can not continue on the same course it has been. I'm just not sure in what direction I am supposed to follow yet. I trust it will come to me in time. Meanwhile I am glad to have accepted that I need this program and therapy to help myself. I keep thinking of that movie "What about Bob?" ... baby steps. *laugh* Jenny
Hello Mark, nice to meet you. As confused as I am about what I want out of my relationship and only myself to be concerned with, I can't imagine having children too. Not that I wouldn't like to have one, I just know it would add more stress to the situation. My last sentence in the post was about the movie "What About Bob" in it a therapist talks about taking baby steps in order to work your way up to making big changes in your life, not baby steps literally
I thank you for your input, it makes a lot of sense to me. Take good care of yourself 
Jenny