Hi,

I am brand new to the whole Al-anon thing. I am still trying to figure it all out. I attended my first face to face meeting last nite.

Does anyone have any suggestions on where to start? i feel so lost and hopeless.

I grew up in an alcoholic household. I never realized how it affected me.

I have never had a healthy relationship that lasted.

A year and a half ago I got myself into a very unhealthy verbally abusive relationship. I managed to leave and tried to ready every self help book around. I was sick of the pattern of relationships i have developed.

6 mos ago i met someone who has been in recovery for 5.5 years. My boyfriend goes to meetings. He has sponsee's and a sponsor. It's been very difficult lately.I feel like I am again in a controlling relationship.

For over 4 years i have met my high school friends and some current friends (both male and female both married and single) for a tuesday nite pub quiz game. For the last six months i have been dating my boyfriend i have not been attending regularly. mostly b/c he gives me a hard time with it.

He cannot see himself with a woman "who goes to the bar once a week." now, i tell you from the bottom of my heart that this nite is an innocent, nerdfest, quiz game with friends. I am not going there to flirt or find anyone. i might have a beer or two. but, that is it.

I just do not understand him. i feel like he is being controlling and manipulative.

He gets upset when i say that. he feels that i am being manipulative.

help. is it possible for someone in AA to date and be with someone who still has a beer on occasion and wants to go out with her friends to have that beer.

also, it's not that he doesn't want me to drink. he will tell me to get a glass of wine with dinner or bring a 6 pack home for me. it's just when i am out with friends that i feel he doesn't trust me.

he keeps telling me that i am closed minded and do not understand him. which i do not. i am not closed minded. but, i believe i am not doing anything harmful.

thanks for reading. any help will be appreciated.

 

trish

 

oh, i had no idea about the fish names.... my email has been trishlafish for years. i was beginning to get paranoid after that meeting until i figured the fish thing out.

i got the how alanon works book at the meeting i went to.

i just feel so heavy hearted right now.

maybe i need some sleep. it's been a very long week.

 

trish

Hi Trish,

Glad to hear you are giving Al-Anon a try. There is much wisdom to be found in these rooms and many friends to be made.

It sounds like you are trying very hard to keep an open mind to what your boyfriend is saying. That is a good way to be. At the same time, you have a group of friends you have known along time and seem to enjoy spending time with. Once a week you have an innocent, fun night out with a mixed group of people. It doesn't sound like your doing anything wrong to me. If you are willing to give up your night out with these friends to please your new guy, without any regrets or resentments for the sake of your relationship, then I would do so. If it's not really something you want to do, or feel good about, then I wouldn't.

Sometimes I find I have to ask myself when there is something I want to do, " would I do this, or go there, or buy that, if I wasn't with my husband?". If the answer is yes and it's not hurtful or disrespectful to him, then I feel I should do it. It's my way of reminding myself to stay true to myself. Like a lot of others I have a long history of holding myself back so I don't upset anyone. I hope you stay true to yourself whatever you deside.

Agatha

It seems curious to me that you (or anyone else) would continue in a relationship that is controlling. There is not a hair's breadth of difference between control and abuse. Control issues only broaden with time; they never get better. Anyone who would not allow me to be me would be out the door in a big hurry. Al Anon or ACOA can certainly benefit you as a person who has, in the past, been surrounded by alcoholics, but why continue this path? Have you considered dumping the guy?

i think i am just getting out of my denial that he is controlling. i either didn't see it or ignored it at first. he doesn't see the control at all. he tells me i am being manipulative.

i guess i have been on the fence if it's control or not. it seems like it's out of the blue. i made a lot of excuses for his behavior - car accident injury, depression, meds. ugh.

i need to be honest with myself. am i waiting for him to dump me. why? so i don't look like the bad guy?

he tells me i am a wall to talk with lately. but, when i tell him my feelings and fears he gets really defensive, nasty and short. so i end up not talking. we are in a bad cycle.

this morning we tried to talk. it started with him giving me some stingy remarks. i told him i was sad and that i might cancel my brunch tomorrow. he said "no it will be good for you. your friend brian will be there and maybe he'll comfort you"

that hurts. he is really jealous of brian. he met him once. he is an old friend since i was 14.

i do see that alanon can help me. i am giving it a try.

i hear what you are saying. i think it does have to end, unfortunately. he might never see my side or trust me. i feel like i am 14 all over again.

 So am I.

He has said it all ' I can't see myself with a woman who goes to the bar once a week.'

Surely this answers how he feels. He has not matured enough to let you have your freedom, mean spirited men are to be avoided. One of the mistakes that some couples make is that they lose touch with family and freinds, it's refreshing to be apart. He has been in recovery for 5 years perhaps its time he tried sitting in a bar with well people drinking normal amounts.

 Quiz nights are great fun.

Mark

 

thanks for your post.

i am just frustrated with it all b/c last nite we had a final talk about it all. he asked me to decide betw. me and my friends. i told him that was controlling and he thought i was acting like a rebellious teen going against authority wishes. (i guess he is the authority)

i am just sad about his closed mind. (which he says i have)

i asked him to go to a mediator since we can not come to a middle ground. he won't. so we are broken up for real now.

 

trish

I am sorry that he coludn't see you for you, rather than his perceptions of what you should be. He mustn't be your Dad.  Rebellious teenager ? Is so controlling.

You have done the right thing and we are here for you.

 Love Mark 

Dear Trish,

I have 20 years of recovery in both AA and Alanon. I read your post while I was looking for something else online for my sister who just went to her first Alanon meeting 4 days ago.

I think it's great that you are going to Alanon and that people have shared their experience strength and hope with you. I also think it's important to get the facts about the disease of Alcoholism when dealing with an alcoholic. I am married 8 years to a sober alcoholic and we've used the suggestions from Alanon and AA literature to work at adjusting what feels comfortable for both of us.

I'm going to suggest the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The first 164 pages contain the facts about alcoholism and solutions.

To answer your original question when you posted, read specifically pages 84 (mid way down) and 85 where it talks about the 10th step. Then you can also read bottom of page 100, 101 and 102. I would also read the Chapter to the "Wives". You can get the facts about what the Programs principles are regarding the subject of Alcohol and relationships.

Alcoholics feel a "Lack of Power".  Most Alcoholics have co-dependant issues as well. Control is a huge factor in trying to gain this power back that we have lost in our lives through drinking. If he feels threatened by what you've explain, he may want to discuss his feelings with his sponsor first to work through them, then discuss them with you. 

Good Luck on the journey friend!