i have filed for divorce. i am living at home, my husband has moved out. when i filed his tune changed---he would do anything--but of course that was limited to one marriage counseling session, only one month of sobriety that would only happen if i let him come home and of course, no long term help for his drinking. anyway--- one of the things i am finding is that mixed in with my strong, peaceful days are the other kind of day---one where my grief over this huge loss--my husband, my partner, my friend, my dreams of what we could be---clouds the reality. my grief seems, occasionally to get all mixed up with my other feelings and temporarily leaves me wondering---am i all wrong? if i said, okay come home, will it all be okay? (i know the answer is no--) anyway, i get frustrated when this happens. fortunately, i have many friends who get me back to clarity realitively quickly. curious if anyone else has experienced this--- i wouldn't say it is that i am waivering on my decision to not live with an alcoholic unless he is willing to help himself---but rather it just gets clouded because of my grief.
Christy said
Jun 3, 2005
What you are feeling is absolutely normal. It's a loss, and you are grieving it. Loss of husband, loss of the dream, loss of partner, relationship etc. It's much like a death and should be treated the same way.
Be good to yourself :)
Christy
lin0606 said
Jun 3, 2005
I know exactly how you feel. Even when I have known one hundred percent that I am doing the right thing, my grief and loss and pain nearly undermines me. I am so ready to doubt myself, and to feel guilty at the pain that is being caused by my actions. There is no way out the other side, though, without going through the pain.
Jolert said
Jun 3, 2005
I understand exactly what you are feeling, I feel it myself every day. I have my seperation papers sitting on the dining room table waiting to be signed and notarized. I got them right before I let my husband come home ... 2 weeks sober, but no moves towards finding a meeting or continuing our counseling or starting his own. When I think of signing them a ache starts in my chest and fills my whole body. When I think of not signing them I wonder if I am insane to try this again. Your words grief clouds it are perfect. Jen
txmom said
Jun 4, 2005
I don't think anyone who's live with and truly loved an alcoholic has avoided this emotion. Grief comes with the territory whether you're leaving or not. At some point, the realization sinks in that you're the Jeckel/Hyde syndrome. The person you love goes away...even if for a short time. Grief is a cycle and I think us Al-anoners go through that cycle over and over and over again. Anger, denial and acceptance are all in this cycle. And I know that at any given time one of these 3 is in the forefront of my thinking. This disease is just awful and it really DOES take away the ones we love. That's why it changes us and makes us sick. I hate that "normal" word but in the "normal" view of life the grief cycle sure doesn't seem to be a part of everyday living.
Al-anon though give us tools and support that we need to navigate through this grieving process. Whether your decision is to stay or go...you can be peaceful but the grieving might go on either way. Serinity is what we're searching for here right! It helps me to lean on HP for guidance. I sure can't make it through all of this by myself.
You have friends who love you here and will stand beside you while you're grieving no matter what you decide to do. Don't worry about whether or not it's "normal". It's just the way you feel.
Love in Recovery
Samena said
Jun 5, 2005
I am also going through the emotions of grief, so you are not alone! I filed for divorce back in November and the divorce will be final in July. I have realized that what I thought I had with my husband was all an illusion. I wanted the perfect marriage, the beautiful home, beautiful kids, beutiful things- I had it all except the perfect marriage and coming to realize that what we did have was an illusion to me b/c I wanted it so desperately, is really hard. You go through all these different and weird emotions and grief is definitely one of them. You are grieving over your dreams of what you want and you know what, you will have your dream but now is just not the time for your dream to come true. I beleive everything happens for a reason, if our HP did not beleive that we could handle this he would not bring it forward and to our attention. Maybe it is time now for you to have a second chance in life. Accept your grief don't fight it because you will never heal from your wounds- accept it and embrace it, allow yourself to feel all the emotions, it will help you to grow and become the person you want to become for YOU and only YOU!
i have filed for divorce. i am living at home, my husband has moved out. when i filed his tune changed---he would do anything--but of course that was limited to one marriage counseling session, only one month of sobriety that would only happen if i let him come home and of course, no long term help for his drinking. anyway--- one of the things i am finding is that mixed in with my strong, peaceful days are the other kind of day---one where my grief over this huge loss--my husband, my partner, my friend, my dreams of what we could be---clouds the reality. my grief seems, occasionally to get all mixed up with my other feelings and temporarily leaves me wondering---am i all wrong? if i said, okay come home, will it all be okay? (i know the answer is no--) anyway, i get frustrated when this happens. fortunately, i have many friends who get me back to clarity realitively quickly. curious if anyone else has experienced this--- i wouldn't say it is that i am waivering on my decision to not live with an alcoholic unless he is willing to help himself---but rather it just gets clouded because of my grief.
What you are feeling is absolutely normal. It's a loss, and you are grieving it. Loss of husband, loss of the dream, loss of partner, relationship etc. It's much like a death and should be treated the same way.
Be good to yourself :)
Christy
I understand exactly what you are feeling, I feel it myself every day. I have my seperation papers sitting on the dining room table waiting to be signed and notarized. I got them right before I let my husband come home ... 2 weeks sober, but no moves towards finding a meeting or continuing our counseling or starting his own. When I think of signing them a ache starts in my chest and fills my whole body. When I think of not signing them I wonder if I am insane to try this again. Your words grief clouds it are perfect. Jen
I don't think anyone who's live with and truly loved an alcoholic has avoided this emotion. Grief comes with the territory whether you're leaving or not. At some point, the realization sinks in that you're the Jeckel/Hyde syndrome. The person you love goes away...even if for a short time. Grief is a cycle and I think us Al-anoners go through that cycle over and over and over again. Anger, denial and acceptance are all in this cycle. And I know that at any given time one of these 3 is in the forefront of my thinking. This disease is just awful and it really DOES take away the ones we love. That's why it changes us and makes us sick. I hate that "normal" word but in the "normal" view of life the grief cycle sure doesn't seem to be a part of everyday living.
Al-anon though give us tools and support that we need to navigate through this grieving process. Whether your decision is to stay or go...you can be peaceful but the grieving might go on either way. Serinity is what we're searching for here right! It helps me to lean on HP for guidance. I sure can't make it through all of this by myself.
You have friends who love you here and will stand beside you while you're grieving no matter what you decide to do. Don't worry about whether or not it's "normal". It's just the way you feel.
Love in Recovery
I am also going through the emotions of grief, so you are not alone! I filed for divorce back in November and the divorce will be final in July. I have realized that what I thought I had with my husband was all an illusion. I wanted the perfect marriage, the beautiful home, beautiful kids, beutiful things- I had it all except the perfect marriage and coming to realize that what we did have was an illusion to me b/c I wanted it so desperately, is really hard. You go through all these different and weird emotions and grief is definitely one of them. You are grieving over your dreams of what you want and you know what, you will have your dream but now is just not the time for your dream to come true. I beleive everything happens for a reason, if our HP did not beleive that we could handle this he would not bring it forward and to our attention. Maybe it is time now for you to have a second chance in life. Accept your grief don't fight it because you will never heal from your wounds- accept it and embrace it, allow yourself to feel all the emotions, it will help you to grow and become the person you want to become for YOU and only YOU!
Take care, Samena