I wrote about 3-4 days ago and got wonderful feedback. I have a husband, married for 15 yrs. who is an alcholic, but doesn't drink on a daily basis--likes to spend his time at his uncle's bar for HOURS/DAYS at a time.. Anyway, he's been off work on a workman's comp case for over a year now and during that 'off-time' he has made his priority, the bar. He's more of a weekend warrior, so to speak, but can and will make trips up there during the week.. any excuse to be there. He hasn't had a paycheck now since last January (they have been fighting his workman's comp since that time). Thing is, he will borrow money from his buddies or his uncle to be at the bar, play cards, pool, etc. He's always 'oweing' one of them or more. He always seems to manage to 'come around' and remember he has a wife when it comes closer to his weekend out.. why? because I work and my payday is on Friday twice a month. He already let me know last night that he expects me to 'lend' him at least $50-60 for this weekends 'fun' for him. It truly ticks me off because he ignores me or is mean to me all week long when he is home and now, of course, payday is coming up for me and he's into my pocket before I even get the check. I feel burdened down by his 'absences' (when he's at the bar) though he's not much more help in any way when he's physically at home anyway. What should I do? I know he's going to 'help bartend' this Sunday at his uncle's bar and will get paid. He said he'll pay me back, but it really drives me crazy because, once again, he is thinking of HIMSELF first before any of us. I detest that I have to 'lend' him money to spend it on alcohol, gambling, etc. for his 'excitement' while I sit home, working and taking care of my family, especially when we don't have a lot of cash coming in at this time. So, even though I'm sure he WILL pay me back, should I do this or not? (If I don't, I know there will be a long drawn out fight ahead of me.. besides, he is going to be getting his back pay in the next month (about $10,000) and he WILL play hardball with it if I don't accommodate his 'urges' for the bar now. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation). Advice please?
Thanks.
Donna
sanddie said
Jun 3, 2005
The FIRST thing you need to answer is if it is more important for YOU to address YOUR needs and be firm in your answer to him, despite his reaction OR is it more important for you to address his demands (I would say requests, but of course you indicated he will start fighting with you). Obviously, if a person doesn't accept ones decision in ANY situation, then there is no respect or consideration of that person.
Having come from these types of relationships, I can say that I was exactly where you are at in wanting to avoid arguments and just conform. It wasn't until I had finally had enough and felt as if I would have a physical, mental, and emotional breakdown or even possibly die if I didn't start taking care of myself that I discovered the only way to do that was to get out of an unhealthy relationship. As long as I was with him, I was NEVER givin' the opportunity to heal from so much pain and abuse from him. Oh, of course there were good days and times, BUT, the roller coaster of abuse and the cycle of domestic violence is extreme and with each blow a person becomes weaker and weaker in being able to make their own choices, decisions and determine what is best for them because they are so focused on the reaction of the other person.
Only you can decide what is best for you... As for me, I know that I no longer wanted to walk on eggshells or have severe anxiety episodes that would result in me in the emergency room thinking I was having one heart attack after another. I realized that I would MUCH RATHER be alone, raising my two children as difficult as it might have been financially, then tolerate an abusive, unhealthy relationship any longer.
Upon conclusion, I must say that God is awesome and that without acknowledging His presense in my life, all the people He brought into my life to get me through I wouldn't have made it.
Take Care!
Donna said
Jun 3, 2005
Thank you for your reply. I am about to that level of possibly leaving. I have been thinking about this for years and it seems that with each year, it gets more overwhelming to me. I don't know if the alcohol addiciton has really turned him into this maniac or what, but it's like he fights for control in every situation. He's always right (and I'm always wrong) and if I don't agree with him, I have to listen to him telling me why I'm stupid or an idiot, etc. I have tried standing up to him so many times, only to endure a long, drawn out fight (verbal, not physical).. it matters not where we are, either.. I mean, our boys can be right there and all that verbal stuff comes flying out of his mouth and he really pulls me down, so when I fight back, it gets ugly. I'm tired of having this happen and it does no good for me to fight back anyway (verbally) because he always 'wins' and I always lose.
So, where is he tonight on a Friday night?? Where else.. the bar. I have two days a week off from work and Mondays are usually the days I like to do my own thing, go on my own, etc. but not only does he grab Fri, Sat. and Sundays for his fun, but now, he just made a 'golf date' on Monday w/ two buddies of his.. It's like "who am I ?? I don't seem to matter.. as long as he can go out anytime he wants, do what he wants, come home when he wants, take as much money as he wants," I should just sit back and shut my mouth. Now, he's infringing on my only day out, too, and of course, he makes an excuse as to why he 'has to' go.. I feel stepped on all around... and I'm really tired of it. It's like there is no respect here at all.. I am not the person I was when we first got married.. not by a long shot. I want my own life back.. and I want my kids to have some normalcy in their lives, too. I'm angry and frustrated.. and oh how I wish I could reverse all this time spent w/ him.. Thank God for my two boys that came out of this marriage, but I'm just sick inside being 'stuck' here feeling like a nobody..
Hi again,
I wrote about 3-4 days ago and got wonderful feedback. I have a husband, married for 15 yrs. who is an alcholic, but doesn't drink on a daily basis--likes to spend his time at his uncle's bar for HOURS/DAYS at a time.. Anyway, he's been off work on a workman's comp case for over a year now and during that 'off-time' he has made his priority, the bar. He's more of a weekend warrior, so to speak, but can and will make trips up there during the week.. any excuse to be there. He hasn't had a paycheck now since last January (they have been fighting his workman's comp since that time). Thing is, he will borrow money from his buddies or his uncle to be at the bar, play cards, pool, etc. He's always 'oweing' one of them or more. He always seems to manage to 'come around' and remember he has a wife when it comes closer to his weekend out.. why? because I work and my payday is on Friday twice a month. He already let me know last night that he expects me to 'lend' him at least $50-60 for this weekends 'fun' for him. It truly ticks me off because he ignores me or is mean to me all week long when he is home and now, of course, payday is coming up for me and he's into my pocket before I even get the check. I feel burdened down by his 'absences' (when he's at the bar) though he's not much more help in any way when he's physically at home anyway. What should I do? I know he's going to 'help bartend' this Sunday at his uncle's bar and will get paid. He said he'll pay me back, but it really drives me crazy because, once again, he is thinking of HIMSELF first before any of us. I detest that I have to 'lend' him money to spend it on alcohol, gambling, etc. for his 'excitement' while I sit home, working and taking care of my family, especially when we don't have a lot of cash coming in at this time. So, even though I'm sure he WILL pay me back, should I do this or not? (If I don't, I know there will be a long drawn out fight ahead of me.. besides, he is going to be getting his back pay in the next month (about $10,000) and he WILL play hardball with it if I don't accommodate his 'urges' for the bar now. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation). Advice please?
Thanks.
Donna
The FIRST thing you need to answer is if it is more important for YOU to address YOUR needs and be firm in your answer to him, despite his reaction OR is it more important for you to address his demands (I would say requests, but of course you indicated he will start fighting with you). Obviously, if a person doesn't accept ones decision in ANY situation, then there is no respect or consideration of that person.
Having come from these types of relationships, I can say that I was exactly where you are at in wanting to avoid arguments and just conform. It wasn't until I had finally had enough and felt as if I would have a physical, mental, and emotional breakdown or even possibly die if I didn't start taking care of myself that I discovered the only way to do that was to get out of an unhealthy relationship. As long as I was with him, I was NEVER givin' the opportunity to heal from so much pain and abuse from him. Oh, of course there were good days and times, BUT, the roller coaster of abuse and the cycle of domestic violence is extreme and with each blow a person becomes weaker and weaker in being able to make their own choices, decisions and determine what is best for them because they are so focused on the reaction of the other person.
Only you can decide what is best for you... As for me, I know that I no longer wanted to walk on eggshells or have severe anxiety episodes that would result in me in the emergency room thinking I was having one heart attack after another. I realized that I would MUCH RATHER be alone, raising my two children as difficult as it might have been financially, then tolerate an abusive, unhealthy relationship any longer.
Upon conclusion, I must say that God is awesome and that without acknowledging His presense in my life, all the people He brought into my life to get me through I wouldn't have made it.
Take Care!
Thank you for your reply. I am about to that level of possibly leaving. I have been thinking about this for years and it seems that with each year, it gets more overwhelming to me. I don't know if the alcohol addiciton has really turned him into this maniac or what, but it's like he fights for control in every situation. He's always right (and I'm always wrong) and if I don't agree with him, I have to listen to him telling me why I'm stupid or an idiot, etc. I have tried standing up to him so many times, only to endure a long, drawn out fight (verbal, not physical).. it matters not where we are, either.. I mean, our boys can be right there and all that verbal stuff comes flying out of his mouth and he really pulls me down, so when I fight back, it gets ugly. I'm tired of having this happen and it does no good for me to fight back anyway (verbally) because he always 'wins' and I always lose.
So, where is he tonight on a Friday night?? Where else.. the bar. I have two days a week off from work and Mondays are usually the days I like to do my own thing, go on my own, etc. but not only does he grab Fri, Sat. and Sundays for his fun, but now, he just made a 'golf date' on Monday w/ two buddies of his.. It's like "who am I ?? I don't seem to matter.. as long as he can go out anytime he wants, do what he wants, come home when he wants, take as much money as he wants," I should just sit back and shut my mouth. Now, he's infringing on my only day out, too, and of course, he makes an excuse as to why he 'has to' go.. I feel stepped on all around... and I'm really tired of it. It's like there is no respect here at all.. I am not the person I was when we first got married.. not by a long shot. I want my own life back.. and I want my kids to have some normalcy in their lives, too. I'm angry and frustrated.. and oh how I wish I could reverse all this time spent w/ him.. Thank God for my two boys that came out of this marriage, but I'm just sick inside being 'stuck' here feeling like a nobody..
Anyway, thanks for your advice.