I have a problem always calling my husband. He has started to get mad at me an told me that I am stalking him.

When we first meet he was living at the house where the women was jelously that he liked me so she didn't want him seeing me. I wanted to see him so bad I would drive by the house in hopes of seeing him. I couldn't call his house so I would call someone else to call him to have him call me. At this time the house he was staying out they were doing drugs so he got back to me when he felt like it. He would tell me he would call at a certain time and then not call. I used to get so mad at him for that.

When he moved in with me he was doing drugs I didn't relaize it I was naviee and he would disapper for hours and I didn't know where he went. I would follow him around to make sure he didn't disapper. I used to get so upset when I couldn't find him. He would buy his liquor and then dispear and I wouldn't be able to locate him. Many years later I have found out that he was going to a friends house and staying there for hours. I used to get so upset with him disappearing that I would break glass, cut my arms, scream, call people an cry my eyes out, I would get so upset that I would even want to throw up, but I didn't (thank god).

I would call him when he was drinking all the time to see how is was if he were drunk or not. Now that he is sober I haven't really let go of not calling him. He has gotten mad saying I don't trust him. He tells me that I am stalking him. It is a very hard habit to break.

I need suggestions.

Becky

Hello Becky,

I have been told by my A that I smouther him. I call to much. To me calling at night or in the morning to say hello is not to much to me. But to my A it is. So i tried sitting back and letting him call me. Well, the disease, i guess, didn't allow him to call me. (Isolation) I found myself waiting for weeks for that phone call. So what are we to do. I consider this a form of abuse. Please someone help me with this behavior. Isolation.

Julie

Becky,

I don't know if you read my post about my vow??  The vow to not call my hubby...  I have been doing ok and take the " Just For Today" approach.

Just for today I will do something else rather than calling. Go for a walk. Do an extra load of laundry.  Come on here and post or just read others posts. Play a game with my kids.   Just for today I will not call..  It helps me and it took this "Just for today" approach and him screaming at me for no good reason to get through not phoning.  We didn't speak for 4 days until he called and asked if I was mad at him..  No just not calling, plus he yella at me when I do call so whats the point of putting my self through that abuse. REALLY!

It is tuff,  I realized that I call because I miss him and want to hear his voice.  But he has this disease and it controls him and it is up to me to make me happy and that includes not phoning him but replacing that habbit with better ones.

Good luck.  Your friend JJ

I do call him to listen to his voice but he doesn't seem to understand that. I try to explain to him but he doesn't really listen.

((((Becky))))

You are right they don't listen!!  What they do listen to is the disease.  The disease takes over and that is what is the only thing that they are capable of listening to.  I have found from experience that when I change my behavior that seems to be what my husband does listen to.  Does that make sence???   So when I out right quit phoning he was like what the heck is going on????!! Then he all of a sudden likes it when he talks to me.  He is now phoning me...  It takes lots of pacients on my part but when he phoned me for the first time I just told him why I quit phoning and was honest that I call just to talk to him because I miss him and so on and that I don't deserve the way that he talks to me when I do phone.  So the ball was in his court and it was up to him to reach out to me.  My behavior change triggered him to notice.  I hope that helps a bit.  In time I hope that your hubby does notice that you just love him.

Your friend JJ

I hope your right. When I don't call in alot in the day he will end up calling me. But it is hard for me not call him. I am going to try minute to minute not calling him and then I should be able to make some progress. I live with him so I can see him later, I just like to hear his voice and listen to him talk.

I wish you the best.  I know that it is hard at first but with each day it does get easier.

JJ

Becky,Becky, I want to say, oh I don't do that!!! Wanting to call hi, hoping he will call. What I do is, since I was thinking about it as soon as I opened my eyes in the morn. I tell myself I don't have to call him today. I picture him in Hp's hands and pray he will b ok. Let go and let god ya know? I know we miss them, I relate to wanting to see them. I do know one thing, usually when I back off he comes towards me. They really do not want to lose us. Becky what I did was move forward away from him. I live my life for me. He is not a consideration anymore. I paint colors I like, I decorate how I like. I fenced my yard to be a pasture around my yard. I wanted to see my horse and llamas and huge pigs all around me. He would think that was tacky. Well too bad. Actually people stop and look at them all the time. I love seeing my beautiful white horse, 20 pot bellied pigs, 3 llamas, 2 goats, and two huge farm pigs in the tall grass and butter cups!! The dogs, a great pyr, 4 Bassets and one English Bulldog hang out with them. Moving on means a lot of stuff. It is taking care of me. I cook for me, I am pretty much a vegie. I don't focus on him at all. NO longer have a room ready in case he wants to come home. NO ice cream or any junk here at all. Boy I got wayyyyy off huh? lol Simply said the way to let him go, is for you to think of your wants and needs, and fulfill them. I was just thinking, ask yourself, do you get what you need by going after him? Wouldn't it feel better if he called or come to you? I don't think we get what we need by calling and going to look at them. The way I think about things is from my animals. I am one who sits back and does not grab them or force them. I go on with the feeding and being around them. But don't approach them. After time, they always start coming to me. Thennnnn I cannot get rid of them lol!! It is natural to long for your husband. The bible even says that. It takes a lot of courage to stop an addiction. I was watching the Discovery Health Planet, it was about love. The brain treats love like an addiction! They showed this gal laying down with this computer over head. Her head had all these electrodes and stuff on it. Well the computer was flashing pics of all these cool guys. When it flashed her husband/lover, her brain lit up like crazy!! I may have posted about this before. But I tell ya, no wonder we can't just get over it when we really are in love with someone. It is a physiological thing! So Becky what are you going to do for you? How can you move forward? love,debilyn

Becky,

I just read what Debilyn wrote and I guess I didn't make it my situation clear.  I by no means wait and hope that my hubby calls.  I did exactly what she said.  I continued to do things for me and my children, let go and let got and figured that when or if hubby wanted to talk to me that he would when or if he wanted to.  In my situation he began to call and think a bit about his actions.

Sory if it sounded like I sit and wait around.

JJ

thanks again for everyone. It has helped I will try and force my self not to call as much. Got to be honest. I am going to try and space the calls out try not to call all the time. It is going to take some time to work on. I will do my best.

I have learned that if you have to be in a relationship that escalates your insecurity without having that person return compassion and respect in honoring your feelings, then the relationship is not worth keeping BECAUSE I am worth having someone love me completely with or without my inadequacies.   It took me many failed relationships and a severly broken heart from my last to finally figure this out though and in turn, I am confident in knowing that the next man I plan on marrying or just dating will NEED to reciprocate the feelings completely.  I don't get mad or angry of my ex's boyfriends or husband looking back because ultimately I had made the choice of being in the relationship and also contributed to the failure of that relationship, despite their illness.   Perhaps they can be happier with someone else who drinks or lives their same lifestyle.   Who was I to change them?  I also made the choice of leaving the relationship and trusting God completely to bring me to His plan for my life-- whether it be with someone or alone.  I'm willing to accept that, but NEVER again the emotionally or mental abuse of someone so unhealthy not returning the love and compassion that I give in a relationship. 

I too, used to make phone calls obsessively until I realized how foolish I was in begging someone to reciprocate their feelings.  It became degrading to my character and started to demoralize who I was as a person.   The outcome discovered was that if I have to beg for someone to love me or treat me kindly with attention or compassion, then that person does not love me because truth be told, they don't even know how to love themselves.

Take Care!

-- Edited by sanddie at 09:43, 2005-06-03