I am new here and going through depression because I just had another 'episode' with my family. My father is an alcoholic and growing up was very abusive, especially towards me. He would come home yelling for hours and I hit about 15 years old and would start telling him to stop. I started talking back and fighting him to which my mother and sister would turn to me and say 'Now listen to him..now look what you've done" I guess this was the start of me being the 'scapegoat'. My mother would talk about me to my sister and I used to sit on the stairs and listen to them go on about me, not usually the truth either, but it hurt. When I was 19, I didn't want to go back to college which resulted in many hours of my drunk father yelling at me.  I took their car one day to get myself to work (my brother had access to a car everyday, I never got the same treatment, and I guess in my teenage mind I said "screw it" and borrowed the car to go to work)This would be the first time my father threw me out of the house. I came home, wasn't allowed in and left without any belongings. I found an apartment, got two jobs and carried on. This was the start of my family lying about me as well. They started painting me as a bad kid who disappointed them for not going to school. Long story short, met a guy, fell in 'love', got pregnant on the pill, the guy left, and my family treated me like sh*t. My whole pregnancy was spent with my father, any time I would see him, not talking to me, but if he was drunk, he would rant and rave at me. My mother would disappear, just like when I was a kid, and claim to have not heard him. At this time, they were fully supporting my brother and sister in college and I lost my job (they found out I was preggo and let me go) and wound up on welfare. The day I gave birth to my son, I did so alone, as my grandfather had passed and my mother went out of town to the funeral with my father. I brought my baby home alone and tried to cope. My sister called me the day I gave birth and yelled at me that she was 'so mad at me for naming my baby (his name)" because she wanted to name her son that name. She wasn't even in a relationship. I moved home with them and ended up paying $560.00/month rent (Their mortgage payment, while on welfare) cooked all their meals and cleaned their home. Their attitude was I 'owed' them for taking me in. My sister would come over and say "Hi, Molly Maid" and laugh. My brother would never say a word. His drinking drove me insane and 3 days before Christmas that year, we had a fight, and this would mark the 2nd time he threw me out of the house. My son and I stayed at a friend's house until I could get a place. I called my grandmother on Christmas day and was told "How could you do this to your parents? How could you do this to your child?". My grandmother told me how my sister had a get together and my mother and father sat (Mom cried) and told everyone that I just 'left'. They lied and painted me like a nutjob. We didn't speak for a long time and somehow I went back to the family feeling guilt and alone being a single mom. Fast forward 2 years, I met my husband, left my country and moved to the USA. He is black(which they disapproved of) and I married a guy my parents never met (they wouldn't come), never got a wedding gift and the first time my husband came home to meet the family, my mother and sister sat and talked about me to him with all the 'stories' of me. Pregnant with my 2nd child, I was on bedrest and noone came to visit. Third child, dad had heart attack and my mom never came. Fourth child, mom left (baby was overdue) and called my dad to 'ask' if she could stay and help and he yelled at her to get home. They have never helped us in any way and we never asked. My brother had a $20,000 wedding, mom is now raising my sisters son as their 'nanny'. Get the picture? I went home for bro's wedding and, long story short, my father's drinking in front of my kids was so out of control, he wound up not speaking to my kids, myself or my mom for over a week. I left because the kids were asking "Why doesn't grandpa love us?" "Mommy, grandpa locked us out of his bedroom and we can't get our toothbrushes". I left and didn't talk to them for a long time. Again, somehow started talking. My husband went to Iraq and I guess the old feelings of guilt and 'being alone' brought me back to them. While my husband was gone, I was in a place we had just moved to, knew noone and got very sick with my kidneys. Noone came to help. I went back to school have a 4.0 average, made the President's Honor Roll every semester and my sister told me she was 'really mad at me for going back to school because I have the 'luxury' of staying at home" She had her education paid for by my parents and her income, combined with her husband is probably close to $100,000. We live off $36,000???? Brother never says anything. I went home for Christmas that year (I know, what a glutton for punishment) and one night, my mother and I had a couple of rum and eggnogs and we were talking and somehow she said I never paid them rent and I got very upset because my mother denies EVERYTHING she and my dad ever did. Problem is I now have gotten a reputation as a 'problem' drinker??? You see, this year, my parents promised my kids they were coming (we haven't seen them in a year and a half) made a big to-do about it, then didn't come. I got very upset and then my mom comes with my sister in law. From the moment my husband picked them up, my mom started talking about me. She said "I hope she doesn't get all drunk"!! She hasn't seen me in almost 2 years!! My sister in law went on all weekend about her 'therapy' and how she has confronted her mother about leaving her dad, blah, blah, blah. She told my mother that she was upset with her for certain things my mom had done.blah.blah. My mother talked about my sis-in-law behind her back every chance she got. They were insane!!That Sat. we had friends over and we had a great time and after everyone had left, I sat with my mom and tried to confront her about my pain (without the in law present). You see, she NEVER acknowledges anything and I went and saw a therapist after that last time when my dad stopped talking to my kids and he said: Confront her, if she denies, there has to come a point where maybe I do need to truly cut them out since it affects me too much. We had been drinking at the party but I mean everything I say. My husband was just upset because he knew the comment my mom had made at the airport and he didn't tell me trying to wait until they left, but there I go--have a few drinks, talk to my mom, PROVING their latest lie about me. After my husband told me what she said about me 'drinking' I told my mom (not in front of my brothers wife) I was done with them all, didn't appreciate her talking about me blah, blah. As soon as I left, she told my sis-in law. Her and my sister in law started talking about me in front of my husband, in my home, IN FRONT of my kids....and LONG story short (I am sooo sorry) when I came back my sister in law FREAKED out yelling at me that "I always do this"....that I "live in the past" and so much other stuff. This after she talked all weekend about her mother, her 'pain', and told MY mother how hurt she has been from things my mother has done!!! But I live in the past. She has never seen me fight with my parents, has never witnessed the 'stories' but obviously, they have filled her head. Then they packed and left. My mother didn't say a word. Their flight didn't leave for 2 days. My kids were crying. My mother said to my daughter "Don't ever do this to your mother" and she left with my sister in law (the person my mother bad mouthed all weekend and has never said a nice word about).  I can't do this anymore. I am hurt and feel depressed. I know the next 'tale' is that I threw them out of my house. They make me feel crazy. I want them out of my life but another one of the 'lies' they tell is that I take my kids away from 'people' who love them (one of the things sis-in-law yelled). I feel crazy. I am now going through my typical depression after a visit with them that always ends up like this. My mom and dad are both in 'therapy' but from what I can gather they lie to the therapist!! Anyone have any similar experiences? Please help.

Hiya Jennybear,

Let me start first with a welcome.  We are happy to have you with us here.

What you describe is very typical behavior in an alcoholic home.  I to grew up in this disease.  I became the rebellious scapegoat of my family.  I learned how to stuff all of my feelings.  I learned that nothing I said or did was taken into consideration.  My feelings and thoughts did not matter to my alcoholic father or enabling mother.  To this day my father denies how bad things were in the family.  My mother fortunately found Alanon when I was a teen.  That led me to Alateen.   But even though I had that program I carried a lot of baggage in my life.  That led me to 2 alcoholic husbands. 

Through this program I have learned detachment from my father.  I can have a relationship with him and not get sucked into the disease elements that had kept me a prisoner in my own mind for so long.  This program has given me back myself.  I can accept that my father did the best he could in the scope of his disease. 

I hope you will be able to get to meetings online and face to face.  They should help you to understand why you feel the way you feel about things.

Karen