Hi everyone! My name is Shelley and I am here b/c my boyfriend who is a recovering alcoholic has asked me to try to get help to better understand what he is going through and some insight so I don't feel so left in the dark. 

I have to admit I was really reluctant to get involved b/c in the four months we have been together he has been clean and I have never seen him drink or been affected by it at all, so I figured I wasn't the one who needed any help. Last night he sent me an email saying that his recovery has been suffering since we have been together and he needs six months of no contact so he can have a year of sobriety under his belt. He has become to co-dependant on me and it is taking his focus away. I was crushed. So I figured I would come check things out so if we do end up getting back together I can better understand what is going on and I am hoping I can learn some things and grow myself.

The question is, where do I start? I feel pretty lost right now! Thanks in advance :)

Shelley

Hi,

I'm new to this too and I'm also involved with a recovering alcoholic.  He's been sober for 17 years and has asked me to get involved with Al Anon so that I can gain a better understanding.  I'm going to my first Al Anon meeting tonight, and I've heard from several people that is the best place to start.  He has told me that while he's committed to his sobriety, it's a one day at a time thing for him.  I'm sorry that your boyfriend sent you that email, but I'm glad that you're so open to doing whatever it takes to learn and grow so that when he's ready, you'll be there for him.  That says a lot about your character.

Funnygirl~I am so glad I am not in this alone! Trust me...my first thought after reading his email was to just give up and keep on going and to say the heck with him...but then I had to put myself in his shoes and think about how I would feel if the love of my life wanted to have nothing to do with me b/c I had an illness I was trying to recover from. I would be destroyed. I just hope I can learn from this time apart and become a stronger woman from it all.

I know what you mean about the day at a time thing though...I have been frustrated many a times by it! There is nothing like trying to plan a weekend getaway somewhere only to be told that they can't think that far in advance they have to take it one day at a time. I know he means well by not making a promise he can't keep, but it is still frustrating! I hope people who have been going through this for a while now can give me some better insight in how to deal with the one day at a time thing. I am one who lives in the future most of the time...but could use a good kick in the butt back to the present. I'm a dreamer...what can I say!

Hi, glad that you have found us. One thing that you will find helpful, I think, is to read all you can about alcoholism. If your A has only been sober a few months, then, believe me, he still has many of the effects of the disease. It is very important for him, in early sobriety, to focus on his proram, and on staying sober. Try to think of it like any other disease - if he had diabetes, you would not say "It's so disappointing, when I make a beautiful dessert, and he can't eat any." Instead, you would find out what you could about the disease, change certain things about how you interact, and accept that there are some things that you just can't do together. One thing you will learn in alanon is how to stay out of the way of his sobriety - it is important not to sabatoge him, but it's equally important not to take on the responsibility for him. If he is seeing some co-dependence in the relationship, it's important for you to know what that means, so you can guard against it, or guard against his blaming relationship problems on you (a typical symptom of the disease). One thing, time in alanon is not wasted. Even if you are not affected by his disease at all, it is a good way to live, and teaches us to let go of the little stuff, feel the joy of life, take responsibility for our own part in things and let go of other people's parts. Good life lessons, no matter what is going on in your life.

Hi , so glad u posted here, Al-Anon meetings will help u alot but not to understand him , * big misconception"  Al-Anon is for you , if u plan on having a relationship with him it will help alot.You will be speaking the same language . A;s put thier program first and like it or not that is the way it has to be if they are seriously seeking sobriety,If you have a program of your own that will keep u busy too and out of his space.  T his is a life and death situation for the alcoholic and wether drinking or not he is and always will be alcoholic. One drink away from hell.

I hope u give Al-Anon a chance , give us about 6 months of as many meetings as u can find a week and see how u feel  then.  bye for now  Louise

Welcome Oceanbabe and funnygirl.

Ocean I think it is wonderful that your boyfriend has found sobriety and that it is so important to him to keep it!!  I would not take what he said to you to hard but with joy if possible as it shows that he is really trying hard to maintain his sobriety.  Learning about the disease is important. As the others mentioned his sobriety is a one day at a time stuggle.

Alanon follows the 12 steps of AA and will help you understand what he is going through, however it is baised on you not the alcoholic.  It is also a program that helps with everyday life situations. I can tell you that it has saved my life. It helps me with my children and family.

I am also very codependant and it helps with that too putting the focus on me and not others in my life.

A good book to read about codependancy is by Melody Beattie Codependant No More. She also has other daily readers that I like to read along with all of the alanon literature. Courage to change. One Day At a Time. As We Understood. Just to name a few.

Also you could go to OPEN AA meetings to listen. 

Keep comming back

Love in Recovery
JJ

Thank you senior members for all your advice and encouraging words. I know I will probably have many questions to ask along my journey so I am excited to hear what you have to say and what I am going to learn.

JJ~where can you find those books you mentioned? Do I have to order them off this website? I am headed to the beach on Fri and would love to get a hold of a book to take with me.

You can try the public library for the books, you can buy some of them from this website, some from face to face alanon groups, and you can also usually find them on ebay or amazon. Your boyfriend probabaly has some AA literature, that is also good to read, to find out more about the disease.