Hey everyone,

   This weekend was very tough, but good.  I slipped and recovered my program all in 3 days time.  Actually I slipped more but oh well.  Friday night my a spent most of his night at his drinking hang out, although he came home not so bad but they smoke pot there too so it makes me wonder if he is smoking pot now. Great!!!

   Anyway I was furious that he spent all that time there, I know he deserves time to be with friends too, but not those friends. So there was slip number one, although, I must admit I didn't yell or call to yell at him, when he came home I just simple kept quiet.

    Saturday was not the greatest either, he did stay home but spent a great deal of time working on a shed out back of the house (drinking in the shadows).  Then when I asked him to go to a bomb fire at my parents he refused to go.  I was so upset, like it was going to kill him to go with us, there wouldn't have been drinking but of course he wanted to stay home so he could sneak off to the store while we were gone.

      Sunday went ok, I was gone a lot and he worked on his shed again.

      It was Monday that tested my program the most.  We spent most of the day doing exactly what we had done all weekend except I tried to be pleasant no matter what.  I saw him sneaking around not sure if he was just drinking or if he was mixing it with pot.  Seemed to be hiding something in his pocket.  Anyway I tried to not let it consume me although I did tend to spy a little to see if I could know just what he was hiding.  I think I did this more because I am concerned of an affair being rekindled and him hiding it again.  I can try to deal with the alcohol and I don't like it but I know that if it were just that I could get through this but it is the fear of another affair that scares me. 

        Anyway i guess the point to all this is that I want serenity and happiness.  I don't know if my a and I should be together.  That is depressing me, but I also know that if I stay angry its not going to help anything.  So I am trying to remind myself constantly that I need to work on me.  I have to be honest I am still trying to fix me so he will fix him, but I am hoping that the more I fix me the less I will be concerned about fixing him.

         I have spent a great deal of my life loving this person and now I'm not sure if I should be, that is hard to deal with but until my hp makes it impossible to stay I guess I am staying.  I have a great deal of hope for my family and I can't seem to give up on that yet.

         Thanks for listening I hope it makes sense somehow.

Holly

(((Holly)))

Your post makes a lot of sense and made me think. Thanks.

It is all one day at a time, when we slip, we pick oursleves up and start over, thats all we can do.

It's hard, and I hope it gets easier, I can't answer that. All I can say is keep trying, keep working on you, and keep hoping.

                       Love Jeannie

Holly I had much the same weekend, good mixed with the bad, I dettached with love and went to three meetings!  He was late for work this am, I said nothing. It's hard, but I do it with love for myself, my family and him.  Until he hits his bottom, however deep that may be it is his problem not mine.

josey

you ask my favorite question. I avoided having a bad weekend by leaving my husband at home while I took the kids out of town to a soccer tournament. It was so nice. Of course, I came back and saw he had taken all the painpills he had and had been smoking pot again. At least we weren't here to be around his misery. But I couldn't help bitching at him about it all this morning--I just can't stop myself from pointing out that he is not pulling the wool over my eyes. I think it is better than I used to be though--I used to avoid any confrontation at all for fear that he would get mad or leave. Now I don't give a darn about that --so that's progress, right? Now, its back to caring about me (1st) and the kids (2nd). I told my H that if he wants to be a part of the family to jump right in at any time--but I'm not waitning for him any longer. I just think that he needs to know that his choices have consequence. Keep working on you. Don't sit home and wait for hime to make a life for you. Do it yourself and find the joy and peace. Get in touch with you. take care- Jeanne

Thanks for your replies.  Gknee yours brings up a point that is so hard for me, I want him to know that I know everything.  Funny thing is, he know I know and see all.  I guess I just want to make I get my word in but it never works, so yesterday I made a commitment to zip my lips. 

I guess what I really wanted to add to my post which I forgot was on June 1 it is his birthday and the kids went to my parents to make a cake, which I though they would be bringing home and having last night.  All day I dreaded tell him because he hates partys but they wanted to do it and also he has a habit of working around the house and doing chores so to speak then leaving on his dirt bike and heading off to drink at his buddies and we never know when he will be back.  My normal response would be to give him crap that he was leaving and how long he would be gone and he would leave anyway and come back after a very long period of time. 

But yesterday I kept calm and said "I see you are going for a bike ride and I just wanted you to know that the kids are planning something for you so please come back."  He did exactly that he took a phone with him in case they called and was only gone about 1 1/2 hours.  Course my kids came home cakeless but that was ok. 

So I see the difference it made, I made the effort to remain calm and in good spirits and he came home instead of avoiding home.  The funny thing is I know he had been drinking but I was still able to just enjoy him and appreciate his humor.  Which honestly when I am angry all the time it isn't easy to smile let alone joke and laugh.  So it was really nice.

Thanks for reading and replying.

Love Ya Holly

I have a hard time miding my own business. I ask him all the time where is he going, what is he doing. I am trying to learn that I can trust him that he isn't going out to drink.

BECKY