This is one of the most common questions asked by the average person who doesn't understand domestic abuse. This question has become a hot button with advocates, because it placed blame on the victim instead of the perpetrator. One valid response is to challenge the question itself:
"The question is not, 'why doesn't she just leave,'" we correct gently. "The question is, 'why doesn't he just stop hitting her?'"
We need to get this straight. The blame here lies squarely on the abuser, not the victim.
However, challenging the question only goes so far. A battered woman will return to her abuser eight or nine times before she leaves for good.
And people ask, "Why?"
The fact that this question has persisted is an example of how poorly society understands the cycle of violence and the needs of battered women. Once you see a battered woman as an actual human being, the reasons she returns to her abuser are logical and straightforward
Let's look at a battered woman with typical problems. A crisis center or Hotline tells her they can place her in a safe home, so she leaves her abuser. She brings her two children (in 70% of domestic violence cases if a man is beating his wife, he is also beating his children). After a few days in the safe house, the crisis center tells her that their funding only pays for three or four days residence.
"So what do I do now?" she asks. The crisis center gives her a list of battered women's shelters.
There's only one problem. All of the shelters are full.
She has no place to go. Her family abandoned her when she married the guy. Her friends can't afford to take her in, or are afraid to do so because her husband is so violent. She has no money and no resources, because everything is in her husband's name. She ends up living in her car.
The first or second night they spend in the car, she takes a serious look at her problems.
One of her children has a fairly serious medical condition, like asthma or allergies. But the insurance is in her husband's name, so medical care is not available.
They're hungry, and she has no idea where she will get their next meal.
Since they're homeless, she risks losing custody of her children to her husband. And if he gets sole custody she won't be able to defend them.
She has been a wife and mother for years, so her education is either incomplete or obsolete. She has no job prospects or job training and is looking at a life in poverty, working at McDonald's.
Her husband beats her.
Notice that domestic violence is the sixth problem on her list. And as she sits in the car, watching the windows fog up, on alert for danger, listening to her children try to sleep, she is forced to face facts. If she returns to her abuser, five out of her six problems will be solved.
Abusers create these situations deliberately. They work to force their victims to stay with them by destroying all other options. And domestic violence will end only when society addresses all of the problems facing a battered woman.
Some of these problems do have answers and there are many domestic abuse survivors. We'll address these solutions in future articles, including developing personalized Safety Plans. But let's return to the question we posed: "Why does she go back?"
And now we have the answer: "Because everything is stacked against her."
Don't condemn the woman who goes back. Celebrate the woman who manages to escape.
This is one of the reasons why I believe it is so important for us here at alanon not to give advice. Saying to someone who is living in an intolerable situation "Get out" is not really all that helpful, if she is not ready to leave, for practical reasons, or because she just does not yet have the courage and faith in herself. By giving advice that she does not feel able to follow, we become just another burden on her, another challenge that she can't meet. We are here to welcome and give comfort to families of alcoholics, not to make them feel inadequte.
sanddie said
May 28, 2005
Elizabeth:
Thank you for sharing the Domestic Violence cycle... It is VERY much appreciated. :) I think the most important aspect for women in unhealthy relationships is to offer them the ability to gain empowerment in theirselves. Often, it is the men in these relationships that have broken us down so much that we lose our sense of self-worth and it is very difficult to acknowledge what it is we truly desire any longer. This being the case-- YES, it is essential in any unhealthy relationship that a choice be made, rather than continue to be a victim. It is not like it used to be where women couldn't get an education or excel in a career raising their children. It especially isn't as bad as it used to be to mention they are being abused, either mentally, emotionally, or physically-- all are devasting and should be acknowledged, then once acknowledged, steps to get help for ourselves to make steps to be in healthier relationships. Like the alcoholic who denies their abuse of alcohol, often a woman in an abusive situation denies HER problem of weakness to overcome and most often leave the relationship for her own well-being.
I can say this because I am THAT woman, who had a roof held over my head, suffered from emotional, mental, physical and sexual abuse for many years.... Couldn't live on my own financially raising two children and would go back for 9 years after leaving for a short time each time only to be frightened. However, instead of acknowledging how frightened I was that I couldn't make it on my own, I denied those feelings that were inadequate in me and instead just continued to blame all my inadequacies on my abuser.
I wish the best for everyone and can tell you that NOBODY deserves to be in an abusive relationship. However, it is ONLY us that got ourselves into that relationship to begin with--- We have choices!
Take Care!
abbyal said
May 28, 2005
Please ask John to put a sticky on this so it will stay on the board at the top, I suspect alot of battered women come here and feel so ashamed and fearful that they don't post a message about what is goingon in thier lives. If they could read this for themselves they would know they are not alone or judged for staying . thank for posting this Louise
Jeannie said
May 28, 2005
Elizabeth,
Thank you for the wonderful post.
Love Jeannie
mamasan said
May 29, 2005
Well, I left on an average of 5 times a year. FOR 10 YEARS! I practically RAISED my kids in shelters and safe houses. I had so many Temporary restraining orders it was ridiculous. BUT, BUT I kept leaving and the last time was the right time. My ex stalked me, even when I moved 3000 miles away. I finally got myself a support group of people. I somehow hid my real life from them and through them I became validated. This may sound odd but it worked for me... They "Helped" me to feel worthy and I was able to get away. Part of the reason I think I failed to stay free of my abuser was because I was so frightened of him. I remember thinking the last time I left him, was that he was going to kill me, he SAID he was going to kill me and I thought that I would rather die running away then staying there waiting for it. That's my story!! IB-FREEFROMFEAR
WStar said
May 29, 2005
Mamasan,
How proud I am that you had the strenght to stand up to such a great fear . Mine is seems so minor to what you have been through. I wish I could have battled my miseries earlier instead of letting a family member control happiness in my life.
Sincrely, WStar
sanddie said
May 29, 2005
mamasan:
It is GREAT to hear you've taken care of YOU. I was at the same point in my life, thinking that I'd rather live in a box on the street in the worse part of town than tolerate an inconsiderate, mentally, emotionally, and at times physically abusive relationship. Looking back now at how I thought that way, I realize how codependent I had been... even more so now with the realization of the traits of an alcoholic. As an alcoholic must hit bottom most of the time to come back to a different, healthier lifestyle, I had to hit bottom in accepting a reality that the choices I had made in my life were wrong.
Thanks for sharing!
-- Edited by sanddie at 19:34, 2005-05-29
TLC2 said
May 30, 2005
Great article! I think probably a lot of us have put up with a lot of abuse. I know with myself, I had been knocked down (verbally and physcally (once)) so many times, that I believed everything they said, and thought I was unworthy of any better life. After 23 years of marriage, where I had become physically ill from depression, I finally broke free of him and got a divorce. I figured my kids were old enough that it wouldn't affect them as much as it would have if I had left before..make any sense?? well, to me it did then.
I didn't realize until much later how my staying with him all that time affected them!!! They thought all they saw in my marriage was normal!! My son started taking over where his father left off, looking down his nose at me, bossing me around, derrogitory comments about women.. My daughter followed in my footsteps by choosing the same type of men I had, she didn't need them to run her down, she did enough of that herself!! She is smart and pretty, but doesn't think she is....etc., etc...
Then to top matters off, now I'm with an alcoholic, and we all know what they are like!! Pretty poor example for my kids, now she is with an alcoholic/drug addict!!
My son's gf is very shy and has absolutly no confidence..see a pattern here?
But all in all, my life with my A is a heck of a lot better than my life was with my ex. A still gets a 'buzz on' as he calls it once in a while, but I have , through Alanon, learned to set boundaries and stand by them... well, a lot better than I used to anyway!! I have found a lot more self-confidence and KNOW I can make it on my own if I ever choose to. So far, I choose to stay. He is a wonderful man with a horrific disease, but he is really trying. We have soo much in common, and as long as he doesn't go back to being the way he was when he was drinking, I am very happy. Why did I stay after he hurt me so many times??? Why did I keep coming back??? I guess at that time, I had absolutly no self-esteem and maybe thought it was normal...
I think if anything happens to him, he leaves or whatever, that I will choose to stay single for the rest of my life. I think I have grown so much with the help of Alanon that I actually enjoy being by myself, not afraid of living on my own, not needing someone to be able to feel my life is full.
Anyway, that is what this share has inspired in me to share. Love you all!! TLC
Why do women return to violent relationships?
This is one of the most common questions asked by the average person who doesn't understand domestic abuse. This question has become a hot button with advocates, because it placed blame on the victim instead of the perpetrator. One valid response is to challenge the question itself:
"The question is not, 'why doesn't she just leave,'" we correct gently. "The question is, 'why doesn't he just stop hitting her?'"
We need to get this straight. The blame here lies squarely on the abuser, not the victim.
However, challenging the question only goes so far. A battered woman will return to her abuser eight or nine times before she leaves for good.
And people ask, "Why?"
The fact that this question has persisted is an example of how poorly society understands the cycle of violence and the needs of battered women. Once you see a battered woman as an actual human being, the reasons she returns to her abuser are logical and straightforward
Let's look at a battered woman with typical problems. A crisis center or Hotline tells her they can place her in a safe home, so she leaves her abuser. She brings her two children (in 70% of domestic violence cases if a man is beating his wife, he is also beating his children). After a few days in the safe house, the crisis center tells her that their funding only pays for three or four days residence.
"So what do I do now?" she asks. The crisis center gives her a list of battered women's shelters.
There's only one problem. All of the shelters are full.
She has no place to go. Her family abandoned her when she married the guy. Her friends can't afford to take her in, or are afraid to do so because her husband is so violent. She has no money and no resources, because everything is in her husband's name. She ends up living in her car.
The first or second night they spend in the car, she takes a serious look at her problems.
Notice that domestic violence is the sixth problem on her list. And as she sits in the car, watching the windows fog up, on alert for danger, listening to her children try to sleep, she is forced to face facts. If she returns to her abuser, five out of her six problems will be solved.
Abusers create these situations deliberately. They work to force their victims to stay with them by destroying all other options. And domestic violence will end only when society addresses all of the problems facing a battered woman.
Some of these problems do have answers and there are many domestic abuse survivors. We'll address these solutions in future articles, including developing personalized Safety Plans. But let's return to the question we posed: "Why does she go back?"
And now we have the answer: "Because everything is stacked against her."
Don't condemn the woman who goes back. Celebrate the woman who manages to escape.
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Thank you for sharing the Domestic Violence cycle... It is VERY much appreciated. :) I think the most important aspect for women in unhealthy relationships is to offer them the ability to gain empowerment in theirselves. Often, it is the men in these relationships that have broken us down so much that we lose our sense of self-worth and it is very difficult to acknowledge what it is we truly desire any longer. This being the case-- YES, it is essential in any unhealthy relationship that a choice be made, rather than continue to be a victim. It is not like it used to be where women couldn't get an education or excel in a career raising their children. It especially isn't as bad as it used to be to mention they are being abused, either mentally, emotionally, or physically-- all are devasting and should be acknowledged, then once acknowledged, steps to get help for ourselves to make steps to be in healthier relationships. Like the alcoholic who denies their abuse of alcohol, often a woman in an abusive situation denies HER problem of weakness to overcome and most often leave the relationship for her own well-being.
I can say this because I am THAT woman, who had a roof held over my head, suffered from emotional, mental, physical and sexual abuse for many years.... Couldn't live on my own financially raising two children and would go back for 9 years after leaving for a short time each time only to be frightened. However, instead of acknowledging how frightened I was that I couldn't make it on my own, I denied those feelings that were inadequate in me and instead just continued to blame all my inadequacies on my abuser.
I wish the best for everyone and can tell you that NOBODY deserves to be in an abusive relationship. However, it is ONLY us that got ourselves into that relationship to begin with--- We have choices!
Take Care!
Elizabeth,
Thank you for the wonderful post.
Love Jeannie
Mamasan,
How proud I am that you had the strenght to stand up to such a great fear . Mine is seems so minor to what you have been through. I wish I could have battled my miseries earlier instead of letting a family member control happiness in my life.
Sincrely, WStar
mamasan:
It is GREAT to hear you've taken care of YOU. I was at the same point in my life, thinking that I'd rather live in a box on the street in the worse part of town than tolerate an inconsiderate, mentally, emotionally, and at times physically abusive relationship. Looking back now at how I thought that way, I realize how codependent I had been... even more so now with the realization of the traits of an alcoholic. As an alcoholic must hit bottom most of the time to come back to a different, healthier lifestyle, I had to hit bottom in accepting a reality that the choices I had made in my life were wrong.
Thanks for sharing!
-- Edited by sanddie at 19:34, 2005-05-29
Great article! I think probably a lot of us have put up with a lot of abuse. I know with myself, I had been knocked down (verbally and physcally (once)) so many times, that I believed everything they said, and thought I was unworthy of any better life. After 23 years of marriage, where I had become physically ill from depression, I finally broke free of him and got a divorce. I figured my kids were old enough that it wouldn't affect them as much as it would have if I had left before..make any sense?? well, to me it did then.
I didn't realize until much later how my staying with him all that time affected them!!! They thought all they saw in my marriage was normal!! My son started taking over where his father left off, looking down his nose at me, bossing me around, derrogitory comments about women.. My daughter followed in my footsteps by choosing the same type of men I had, she didn't need them to run her down, she did enough of that herself!! She is smart and pretty, but doesn't think she is....etc., etc...
Then to top matters off, now I'm with an alcoholic, and we all know what they are like!! Pretty poor example for my kids, now she is with an alcoholic/drug addict!!
My son's gf is very shy and has absolutly no confidence..see a pattern here?
But all in all, my life with my A is a heck of a lot better than my life was with my ex. A still gets a 'buzz on' as he calls it once in a while, but I have , through Alanon, learned to set boundaries and stand by them... well, a lot better than I used to anyway!! I have found a lot more self-confidence and KNOW I can make it on my own if I ever choose to. So far, I choose to stay. He is a wonderful man with a horrific disease, but he is really trying. We have soo much in common, and as long as he doesn't go back to being the way he was when he was drinking, I am very happy. Why did I stay after he hurt me so many times??? Why did I keep coming back??? I guess at that time, I had absolutly no self-esteem and maybe thought it was normal...
I think if anything happens to him, he leaves or whatever, that I will choose to stay single for the rest of my life. I think I have grown so much with the help of Alanon that I actually enjoy being by myself, not afraid of living on my own, not needing someone to be able to feel my life is full.
Anyway, that is what this share has inspired in me to share. Love you all!! TLC