i left. i found some peace.  i filed for divorce.  he suddenly wants to work on it, salvage the marriage, try to get his drinking under control--will not get help, will do it his way.  i feel done.  i feel numb.  why could he have not felt this way a month ago, when i was giving it everything i had?  why now?  his focus is more on the marriage than on the drinking....not where i feel it needs to be.  i have asked for space, for time, but don't know where that will find me.  he feels the deadline--the 60 days until we are divorced, or can be.  i finally felt okay---then this--you would think his sudden turn around would feel like a blessing, instead it feels false, too little, too late--but he feels i have abandoned him.  i love him and don't know what to do with that.  i want to be far far away from alcoholism--- i am trying hard not to carry the burden of his struggle--it is his to bear, not mine---- please share your thoughts.

(((Lost)))

You sound so sad and confuded. I have found that in times when I do not know what to do next, the best thing to do is nothing.

What you have done is a big step, of course he is going to react to it and it sounds like if you believed the promises you would jump at them. Sadly they promise everythng and deliver nothing to protect their drinking. Who knows maybe he did get a taste of reality, maybe not.

You have taken action and now you have time. Whether or not you go through with it is up to you, and only you.

Be kind to yourself, especially now and wait, see what happens, your options are opened. Of course you feel numb, you need to grieve, and get your own feelings clear.

                              Love jeannie

remember in all of this that you have taken a step for you...you came here...remember to be gentle with you

what you have done takes great courage

keep the boundaries, follow your heart and allow HP to guide you

this all takes time.. and this disease is so insiduous, charming, manipulative and baffling....make sure that your focus is on you...what is good for you at this moment

know that we are here...the alanon chat room is open 24/7 and has many wonderful kind shoulders to lean on and big ears to listen. we love you

iona54

 

Dear lost,

Thank you for posting.  I've been in your situation with similar dilemmas many times during my 16-year relationship with my husband.  For me, it was so easy to believe the promises my husband made everytime I left, he left, or I filed for divorce.  I believed him because I wanted to believe him and because I didn't understand the disease of alcoholism.

Today, my husband and I are separated.  We're separated because I decided that I could no longer live with alcoholism, nor did I want my children to be exposed to the daily chaos.  My husband still tells me the same things.  I no longer believe what he says.  I believe what he does.  For today, he still continues to drink.  So, I believe that no matter how much he professes to want to quit and get his life together, his actions tell me he's still not ready for that commitment.  He, also, does not want to work a program of any sort.  The results of not working a program are very obvious. 

I know people who found peace while living with an active drinker.  I couldn't.  By practicing a strong Alanon program, I now feel very much at peace.  I love my life and welcome my own daily challenges.  My husband has specific days he can spend with us, but only if he's sober and calm (to me, sober is a larger picture than just obstaining from alcohol). 

Only my HP knows if my husband and I will reunite.  I don't worry about it very often.  I pray a lot and my HP gives me the answers in His time, if I remain open and willing to listen.

Good luck in your journey.  Don't worry about not having all the answers right now.  Your HP will guide you towards the right decision.  In the meantime, keep the focus on yourself, do nice things that bring you joy and focus on all you have to be grateful for.

Peace,

Jane 

Hi Lost!  One of the things that helped me sort out some of this sort of craziness was reading a book called The Games Alcoholics Play.  They are games, and they want very much to keep you playing, although whether or not they want YOU could be another story.  I hope this book is still available--or something like it.  Hazelden publishing is a good source of many many books about alcoholism and recovery.

I wish you the best.  It's a terribly tough place to be, where you are right now.

Love,

seachange

You might find it helpful to set some boundaries here - I will postpone finalizing the divorce if you - get into a program to sober up - go with me to marriage counselling - what ever else would signal to you a real movement towards change You could then get some idea of whether he is just telling you what you want to hear in order to keep the status quo, or if he is really willing to change. This is not the sort of thing that must be done all in a rush, you have lots of options, and can take the time to explore them. You might want to go for a legal separation just to give yourself some peace and time to think. In one of the "Getting them Sober" books, I think it's the one on separation options, seh talks about how hard it is to get rid of an A. He has come to depend on you, he's not going to just let go like that. You do have time and choices.