Help!!!! My dry drunk has about gotten the best of me again. Or, I've been so busy I've gotten the best of me????
I do my old job, run my new retail store, clean the house in the mornings, cook and laundry in the evenings...and in my spare time, tackle the weeds. Oh, that spare tiime is the time in which my A doesn't require me beside his side at whatever task, just holding stuff and gazing at him with adorement.
Just for me, I decided to get my granddaughter (age 6) for a month. She lives 1000 miles away, and if I don't keep her, she'll never "know" me. So, I have her (this is day 4). She's handicapped and requires a lot of attention. Well, that takes attention away from my A, so that's extra work for me.
I don't know how to say what's wrong...just that I'm too tired to breathe, and there's no relief in sight at least for another 2 weeks.
I volunteer to care for my grandchild, I choose to clean, laundry and cook. But, I pick up his clothes, I get them out for him each morning, I fetch his soda 2-4 times a night, I fix his plate and carry it to him in the living room (oops I forgot the salt). I find the nail clips, his glasses, his teeth (good grief). I lock the door, I turn out the lights.
I know I ramble...but I've regressed so badly and just need to back off. And, I guess it's time to tell him to get off his dead A>> whether we fight or not.
Sorry....just needed to vent. I'm tired, tired, tired.
Thanks for being there.
Christy said
May 26, 2005
But, I pick up his clothes, I get them out for him each morning, I fetch his soda 2-4 times a night, I fix his plate and carry it to him in the living room (oops I forgot the salt). I find the nail clips, his glasses, his teeth (good grief). I lock the door, I turn out the lights.
Why ? He can't do these things for himself?
definition of enabling: Doing anything for someone that they can do themselves.
"No" is a complete sentence. Sounds like are you are running yourself ragged. Alanon is about taking care of you first. You certainly can't do that by meeting everyone elses needs first. In your A's case, it's not even a need. It's his wants. Use your Alanon tools. Step back, look at what is happening. You are the only one that should be controlling you.
Christy
dot said
May 26, 2005
Oh MY but your post brings back memories - I did all those thinga -even lit his cigarettes.
No was very hard and scarry for me. The first thing I did - in the evening when he asked for a soda - I said - I'm beat would you get yours please and also one for me? Surprise surprise - he did.
That was the beginning of baby steps to change for me.
Take care of you and keep coming back.
Love and hugs - Dot
abbyal said
May 26, 2005
Hello-- boy do u need our deachment pamphet, and go to page on july 14th in our daily reader the ODAT. do what it says and trust me u won't be so tired, I think it's great that u like to do things for hubby but there is a limit.
Your grandchild is visiting and like the other gal said he can get his own soda etc. There has to be some you time in there somewhere. As long as we continue to do for them what they should be doing for themselves, nothing will change, back off give yourself a break and allow him to grow up or go with out soda . : ) just stay polite and ask if he could get it for himself.
good luck Louise
Jeannie said
May 26, 2005
Wow! Does he have the life or what?
Your grandchild is with you, you should be enjoying that time, not waiting on him hand and foot.
I will gladly get anything for anyone, but they had better return the favor.
It's time for you to start nicely telling him to do these things for himself. If that doesn't work, maybe you might want to purchase a maids uniform, and hope he gets teh point. Okay that is probably not a good idea, he might actually like that. LOL.
Remember, you count and you should be taking care of you.
Love Jeannie
Annie said
May 26, 2005
I know what you mean. I asked my A this evening if this is how his life is going to be--this is it? At the bar from 3:30 until 2 every night--then in bed all day, only to get up and start all over again.
I have just about ALL the responsibility. If I ask him to do something, he will say okay AND it doesn't get done. I end up doing it all myself. I am beginning to think he does these things on purpose and "laughs" because I believe him. So, his plan has worked because I don't even bother to count on him anymore. And, he wonders why I don't respect him.
I stopped putting him on his pedestal and put my HP as number one in my life. Take care of you. What a nice thing you are doing having your granddaughter visit for a month. She will love you and remember all the good things you have done for her all of her life. Take care of YOU and of HER. Is your A handicapped????? Say what you mean, but don't say it mean--if that is possible when dealing w someone who is so self centered. SET those boundaries. Love and prayers to you and your family. Annie
iona54 said
May 26, 2005
am so sorry...i so relate..i used to be like that, and can still sometimes be...but it is usually when i have lost my focus, and it is back on my a.....
one baby step at a time...be gentle with you...come do the programme...folow it up...come to meetings..read the alanon lit....it all helps to refocus
hopefully you will soon get sick of being 'sick and tired of being siock and tired' and will refocus
know we care
hugs
iona54
teddybear said
May 27, 2005
Hi Geneva,
I guess that you do not need to get a maid?? and would she do as much work as you are doing. Your A just needs to snap his fingers and bingo... I can imagine how sick and tired you must feel, and believe me I understand only too well.... In the past, that was me!! and now I have changed because I was making myself sick, and I understood that if I lie down on the floor and let him step on me, that is what will happen.
What have you got to loose by changing your old habits, by telling your husband that you will no longer play the role of maid, if he wants something, just point him in the direction where he can find what he needs. It is not easy at first, yet in time, he will learn to respect you, and your limits. We enable people when we do for them what they can do for themselves. I know that it will feel uncomfortable at first, yet it gets easier. It is about teaching others how to treat us.. I am not saying that I always do that, because old habits die hard, yet when I begin sliding.....I recover quickly.
Enjoy your grand-daughter, and give yourself the gift of being good to yourself!! I hope that this post will help you, because it is from the heart.
Help!!!! My dry drunk has about gotten the best of me again. Or, I've been so busy I've gotten the best of me????
I do my old job, run my new retail store, clean the house in the mornings, cook and laundry in the evenings...and in my spare time, tackle the weeds. Oh, that spare tiime is the time in which my A doesn't require me beside his side at whatever task, just holding stuff and gazing at him with adorement.
Just for me, I decided to get my granddaughter (age 6) for a month. She lives 1000 miles away, and if I don't keep her, she'll never "know" me. So, I have her (this is day 4). She's handicapped and requires a lot of attention. Well, that takes attention away from my A, so that's extra work for me.
I don't know how to say what's wrong...just that I'm too tired to breathe, and there's no relief in sight at least for another 2 weeks.
I volunteer to care for my grandchild, I choose to clean, laundry and cook. But, I pick up his clothes, I get them out for him each morning, I fetch his soda 2-4 times a night, I fix his plate and carry it to him in the living room (oops I forgot the salt). I find the nail clips, his glasses, his teeth (good grief). I lock the door, I turn out the lights.
I know I ramble...but I've regressed so badly and just need to back off. And, I guess it's time to tell him to get off his dead A>> whether we fight or not.
Sorry....just needed to vent. I'm tired, tired, tired.
Thanks for being there.
But, I pick up his clothes, I get them out for him each morning, I fetch his soda 2-4 times a night, I fix his plate and carry it to him in the living room (oops I forgot the salt). I find the nail clips, his glasses, his teeth (good grief). I lock the door, I turn out the lights.
Why ? He can't do these things for himself?
definition of enabling: Doing anything for someone that they can do themselves.
"No" is a complete sentence. Sounds like are you are running yourself ragged. Alanon is about taking care of you first. You certainly can't do that by meeting everyone elses needs first. In your A's case, it's not even a need. It's his wants. Use your Alanon tools. Step back, look at what is happening. You are the only one that should be controlling you.
Christy
Hello-- boy do u need our deachment pamphet, and go to page on july 14th in our daily reader the ODAT. do what it says and trust me u won't be so tired, I think it's great that u like to do things for hubby but there is a limit.
Your grandchild is visiting and like the other gal said he can get his own soda etc. There has to be some you time in there somewhere. As long as we continue to do for them what they should be doing for themselves, nothing will change, back off give yourself a break and allow him to grow up or go with out soda . : ) just stay polite and ask if he could get it for himself.
good luck Louise
Wow! Does he have the life or what?
Your grandchild is with you, you should be enjoying that time, not waiting on him hand and foot.
I will gladly get anything for anyone, but they had better return the favor.
It's time for you to start nicely telling him to do these things for himself. If that doesn't work, maybe you might want to purchase a maids uniform, and hope he gets teh point. Okay that is probably not a good idea, he might actually like that. LOL.
Remember, you count and you should be taking care of you.
Love Jeannie
I know what you mean. I asked my A this evening if this is how his life is going to be--this is it? At the bar from 3:30 until 2 every night--then in bed all day, only to get up and start all over again.
I have just about ALL the responsibility. If I ask him to do something, he will say okay AND it doesn't get done. I end up doing it all myself. I am beginning to think he does these things on purpose and "laughs" because I believe him. So, his plan has worked because I don't even bother to count on him anymore. And, he wonders why I don't respect him.
I stopped putting him on his pedestal and put my HP as number one in my life. Take care of you. What a nice thing you are doing having your granddaughter visit for a month. She will love you and remember all the good things you have done for her all of her life. Take care of YOU and of HER. Is your A handicapped????? Say what you mean, but don't say it mean--if that is possible when dealing w someone who is so self centered. SET those boundaries. Love and prayers to you and your family. Annie
am so sorry...i so relate..i used to be like that, and can still sometimes be...but it is usually when i have lost my focus, and it is back on my a.....
one baby step at a time...be gentle with you...come do the programme...folow it up...come to meetings..read the alanon lit....it all helps to refocus
hopefully you will soon get sick of being 'sick and tired of being siock and tired' and will refocus
know we care
hugs
iona54
Hi Geneva,
I guess that you do not need to get a maid?? and would she do as much work as you are doing. Your A just needs to snap his fingers and bingo... I can imagine how sick and tired you must feel, and believe me I understand only too well.... In the past, that was me!! and now I have changed because I was making myself sick, and I understood that if I lie down on the floor and let him step on me, that is what will happen.
What have you got to loose by changing your old habits, by telling your husband that you will no longer play the role of maid, if he wants something, just point him in the direction where he can find what he needs. It is not easy at first, yet in time, he will learn to respect you, and your limits. We enable people when we do for them what they can do for themselves. I know that it will feel uncomfortable at first, yet it gets easier. It is about teaching others how to treat us.. I am not saying that I always do that, because old habits die hard, yet when I begin sliding.....I recover quickly.
Enjoy your grand-daughter, and give yourself the gift of being good to yourself!! I hope that this post will help you, because it is from the heart.
Love & Hugs,
Linda