Hi everyone,

    I wanted to post today and I wasn't sure what I would talk about.  I do a lot of replying on this board and not a lot of new topics.  I am thinking that maybe I am avoiding my own issues that I need to work on.

    Many times I can't tell what I am feeling.  Today I really don't have a moment that sticks out, I guess I just wanted to share and see what comes out.  Kind of like journalizing out loud.  So please bear with me.

    I still have a lot of frustration with my active a.  I find myself worrying about something that can't even happen for 2 more years and that is my a getting his license back.  This will require 3 years of sobriety.  I think for many reasons I fear it and want it all at the same time.  I am disappointed with him that he hasn't even tried to be sober to get it back.  The state doesn't know he is drinking but I do and other family members do and his friends do.  He needs 4 signed statements - 2 can be from family and 2 from non-family.  I know that he doesn't qualify for 2 years and I have told him that if he continues to drink i won't be one of the 4, I have to tell you I've got no problem telling the state that he hasn't drank for 3 years if he gets sober for the next 2.  Anyway I have been told over and over don't worry about it, its his probelm.  Well I gotta tell ya, I am so burnt out trying to get my kids from place to place, games, daycare, etc. and I need some help.  I am reduced to begging grandparents to please go to one of my childrens games (because they are never in the same place) so that I don't leave my child with my a alone at a field and god forbid it starts to rain and they are stuck walking in it.  I am tired and I don't want to do this alone.  I need my a to step up to the plate and do what he can to get his license back and be a responsible driver.  I know I can't make him do that and really my hands are tied because if I throw him out I'll still have to do it alone, just then I'll be broke and alone.

   I am frustrated about this so much, it doesn't consume me though, don't get me wrong I don't sit and obsess over it.  I know 2 years is a long time and you never know what will happen, for all I know he will find 4 people to lie for him, but that doesn't solve my problem because I still can't trust him behind the wheel until he sobers up.

    Anyway I guess I just needed to get that off my chest and was hoping for some words of encouragement.

Thanks for listening

Holly

 

  Dear Holly:

 

 I have only been with this board for a short time, but do attend f2f meetings every week.  I am like yourself, in similar circumstances- my husband is an active A.  He drives while under the influence, but has not gotten pulled over "yet".  The way I have learned to deal with this is by making sure my A does not take my sons in the car with him, I also do not get in if he is under the influence because it is not safe, these are my limits.  This way I am not tormenting myself about the children- I have learned to let go,  husband- he is playing Russian rullet, and at any time the bottom could fall thru.  It is very difficult at times especially when he is on a drinking jag, but I am learning to love him and appreciate him when he is sober, this helps me to forgive, and not hold on to all the bad feelings of anger, etc.  Like yourself, I find that I live alone, while he is "out to lunch".  But I kind of prefer the time alone- in a weird sort of way.  He is very predicatable, I was the one who was a loose canon- but my program has helped me help myself, feeling better everyday, somedays, better but mostly pretty good about the future.  I don't know where I was leading with this reply, but I wanted you to know, that I understand what your going thru, and send you lots of huggs, we are works in progress, need to be easy with ourselves.    Best of luck                      Sincerely,Dorean

Holly,j

I wish I had some words of wisdom--sadly, I don't.  I do understand your plight all too well.  I have 2 small children and I too need my husband to step up.  He's trying to get sober---but what a difficult road---I must admit that I didn't expect that.  I don't want to do it alone--but aren't we nearly doing it alone anyway??  While he was in rehab I spent 7 entire weeks alone and I will admit that it was harder then.  For now I'm allowing him to help in any way possible and I'm working extra to make up for the pay he is losing--he stays with the children while I work.  It's a big help for now--I can't predict the future for you or myself.  I plan on getting to f2f meetings and really hoping it helps me to stop worrying about him---I am also working on a back up plan to raise the children alone.  I have the name of a really good lawyer but didn't actually meet with him yet. 

I know you feel the same way---sad to think the marriage might have to end.  How about we try to appreciate any good times??  I guess we'll know when time is up.

mom to 2

Hi Holly,

I know how hard it is to be the taxi, and have to be everywhere at once. I can relate to games never being at the same field. At times I wish I could just split myself in two, so no one is left out.

As for driving, my A does have his license and 5 DWI arrests under his belt. The only reason he still has a driving priveledge is becasue his parents have always paid a very expensive lawyer to get hte charges reduced and he has a relative of high rank in a local Police Department. One law for everyone else and a different one for my husband. It amazes me because his parents bought him a red sports car two years ago and he flies around in it like avery drunk unruly teenager. He believes that he drives better drunk tha anyone else does sober.

On the issue of driving with Dad, I will never relinquish my control. My children know they do not get in the car with him for any reason unless I am with them, or he has not left my sight for even a second and I tell them it is okay. Basically, they do  not drive with him often. I know I am not supposed to dictate or control everything, but they are too young to have to judge if he is sober or not, and I will not sacrifice them to his recklessness and drinking. He gets very angry over this, saying I am being a control freak, and that he is their father and they should not look to Mommy when he tells them to get in the car. I just tell him, I will not risk it, and don't care what he thinks. The schools are also aware of his drinking and they do not allow him to pick them up without my okay. They have seen him come too often to the school very drunk and will not be held responsible for putting the kids in danger.

It is hard, but their safety and not his feelings are my number one concern.

There is no reason for you to lie for him, if he is really sober for two years, I might fudge the extra year. But if he isn't I wouldn't want a drunk driver back on the road.

It is hard, and be proud of yourself, you are doing the best that you can, and your kids will appreciate all that Mom has done for them.

                                         Love Jeannie 

Holly you cannot help but think about it until you want to stop. For me if I am thinking or pondering on something I don't want to, I think of osmething to put in my pretty head instead. Someone stole my dog a year ago, it killed me. If I think about it now, my brain immediately puts a pic of wild irises in. I am working on my A thoughts. Not sure what to put in. Probably my mountain view as that is what I look at when I talk to and surrender to hp. Sweetie it is hard to leave the A. If we really are attached, they never leave our hearts anyone. Drives me nuts. I mean look at how I just fell in a hole and he is not here, have not heard from him in weeks now! Well you know I care about you. Get out your Getting Them Sober book. I am reading it again for the millionth time. I am trying to find my children of A book too. He had a horrible childhood and it helps me to read that one too. Makes me more forgiving. I had to do it all with my kids too. I was a widow and I would not allow A around us for 10 years. After awhile you get used to it and you don't have the crap from the disease so you can deal with life easier. much love,debilyn who is going out to dig a pond....

Just one thing - You say you are 'reduced' to asking grandparents for help, to step up for kids games, etc. Don't know what your relationship with them is, maybe their help comes with strings attached, but, really, there is nothing wrong with getting help. This is too hard to do alone. Living with an active A can be worse than being a single mom, because you also have to take care of the A! Do what you have to, and don't be ashamed to ask for help, or to use some offbeat ideas - could your husband and kids ride their bikes to games? Could you trade some other service with other parents for their driving? And, really, what''s wrong with walking in the reain? They won't melt (!) Looks like you are the one paying the price for his suspension, rather than him. Maybe it would be possible for some of the responsiblility to land back in his lap. I certainly would not be driving him around, unless it was convenient for me - he can take the bus, ride a bike, or walk. Don't know if any of this is helpful, but I know I get caught up in all the things I "have' to do, and need sometimes to just step back and realize, "you know, I don't really HAVE to do half of this stuff - I do have choices".

Thanks everyone for your responses they really do help, sometimes what is obvious is not so obvious to me.  Thanks again.