Hi, I'm new to this board.... I've been in and out of alanon for about 8 years... need to be more in....

I'm stuck in the crazies again. My husband and I fight probably every two weeks about his drinking, get to the divorce talk, he makes promises to change, then the cycle begins again. I told him we were the poster children for the merry-go-round flyer.

He did aa and counseling 5 years ago, never really sober just struggled for one year and went back. Now he is totally against any quitting. He has been diagnosed with Crohn's disease, I thought this would be the saving grace.

I had papers drawn up and an appointment with a marriage counselor to ask for divorce or recovery, and then he got sick. Haven't had the guts since then.

The doctor didn't tell him to quit drinking, instead he said to quit smoking which is my vice. I figured this was hp telling me to get better but it really made me mad. I have quit for a month now, but hubby still drinking heavily every weekend and smoking here and there.

I am so tired.... I am on a 10 month severance from a job I had for 16 years and was eliminated due to a merger. I feel like I should be taking this time to get my life in order and I am just too tired to do it.

Plus my eight year old will hate my guts if I file for divorce.

So now we are in the phase where he just wants everything to be ok again and to have sex and forget about anything. I am so sick of it! I could just scream......

This time, I ended up getting caught up in his garbage and yelling at him, my son heard everything. I had to apologize to him in the AM and explain that drinking makes daddy a different person and mommy gets mad at the drinking.

I need help. I am going to start attending every eight oclock meeting for a while... Any words for a old timer who feels like a newcomer?

Hi Flower,

     Welcome, it sounds like you have been down a long road.  I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you I struggle everyday with the same choice you have.  I chose right now to let the a stay but sometimes I think I let him stay for the money he brings home, other times I know it is out of love.  I couldn't possible keep up with the bills and life right now without his pay but I know if I had to I could with a lot of help from family.

      It sounds like you are really wrapped up in the crisis right now, my a recently broke his ankle and it took everything I had not to think that this was the answers to my prayers and that he was going to get sober.  I don't allow drinking in my home after he had an affair and a 3rd alcohol driving offense taking his license away for a minimum of 3 years.  It frustrates me everyday that after all we have been through he still wants to drink especially after he spent the time while recovery being mostly sober.

     It is so important for you to work on you and start to find and set boundries you can live with.  Unfortunetly that is easier said than done.  Right now it sounds like you are living with a lot of guilt that you need to work through.  You didn't choose the choices your a has  made and no matter what you 8 year will love you.  I have 2 kids 6 & 9 and I have prepped them the best I could.  I have gotten Al-ateen info for my 9 year old and explained that dad may have to move out because of his drinking and dangerous decisions but it didn't mean that he was gone for good or that he didn't love them.  I know they would be upset but they see the fighting and all the stuff that has gone on and they are very understanding and forgiving.

 

    It is so important to find what you can and can't deal with, and what you can do to make peace in your home.  It doesn't do the kids any good to live with fighting and the craziness but as I am slowly finding there is a middle ground if I can set some boundries and stick to them.  So for now my a can stay and I see change in my life and attitude, small change but it is there. 

 

    Keep coming back and take care of you and you child.  The answers will come to you if you let your hp help you find them.  If find the real rule of thumb is that if you aren't absolutely sure that something is for the best and if you don't feel one hundred percent about doing it, then maybe you need to pray on it some more and work on you further.

 

Love Ya,

Holly

Flower,

Sometimes you just need to take time-out from each other. My husband and I do the merry-go-round and nothing good ever comes of it. Right now because he is moving out, all we can seem to do without yelling is take turns reading a daily reading together (either Alanon or AA).

I come to this board and post and I have been calling alot of friends just to let it out in a more positive way.

In support,

Nancy

 

Flower, Only you can decide what is and isn't acceptable in your life. I think you are on the right track with attending more Al-Anon meetings and trying to keep the focus on yourself. My A and I had a miserable relationship but it was still incredibly hard to end it after 6 years. I can't imagine going through that with kids too... Anyhow, my point is that I set a boundary of no cheating and when she did, my HP helped me stick to it. It was time to end and that is exactly what happened. I survived such a loss with my program, friends and HP. You WILL know what to do for you and your son when the time is right. In the meantime, doing the next right thing could help you and your family. My therapist is always telling me not to take on so much at once and then get mad when I can't do it all. Perhaps you can ask yourself some questions like, Is this the best time for me to quit smoking? Will the other stress in my life make it harder to be successful in quiting right now? What do I need to do for myself in the morning to start the day a little more serene? How can I best take care of myself and my son? Do I believe I am living the life my HP would want for me? If not, what would that kind of life look like? Do I love myself? Do I respect myself? How much am I willing to deal with in this marriage? Just a few questions to consider. And, these are only suggestions. Bottom line, we are all here for you and you will be in my prayers. Love and hugs, Jessi

Dear Flower, Welcome home...you have just madethe first step again...for you...you came here. Going back to face to face meetings, coming here for meetings, daily reading all help me to live with my a who is still in denial . I have been with him 18 years and neither of us would have survived without me going to alanon.

I so relate to you. It is very hard, but it does get easier and i come to this chat room all the time..and it is open 24/7! A lifesaver.

I also have to tell you that alanon lit so helps, as does a book called 'Getting Them Sober' by Toby Rice Drews. It used to be available here but seems to have been taken off list. I keep a copy of that close to me as it helped me when my beloved a was at his worst level in this disease.

Hope to meet you in room.

Hugs

Iona54

Hi Flower and welcome. As others have already said, it is entirely your decision about whether or not to leave your husband. One sentence in particular of your post stuck in my mind: "Plus my eight year old will hate my guts if I file for divorce." I truly doubt that, but one thing I do know...in years to come if your son decides you stayed with Dad on his account, it will be much more traumatic for him. You cannot allow an eight-year-old determine your future. He'll love you, just aas you love him, no matter your decision. Good luck, Diva

Thank you to everyone for your replies.. as usual alanon friends say exactly what I need to hear right now. I appreciate your warm welcome and will be back often....

Flower

Hello Flower, start from where your at. And I guess u have noticed that Al-Anon does not work part time, this is an all or nothin kind of deal to me.  hope u stay this time. for yourself. I plan on living along time yet and want to get the most out of every day and Al-Anon shows me how to do this.

Every meeting I go to I bring home something I can use to make MY  life better, this is for me not to change my husband . My first suggestion to newbies : ) is to get out the ODAT and go to page on july 14th do what it says and your life will improve that page and the detachment pamphlet changed m y life .  Those two little paragraphs will keep u busy for along time . hehe

Work this program for you and u will find happiness regardless of what he is doing.   Louise

i have been on the merry go round for a long time.  the decision you are facing is a tough one.  i have just gone through the same thing--wondering what was right for me.  i decided not to decide until it felt right in my gut---then one day i knew what i had to do.  for me, it was to leave.  i am stronger when i am away--more clear in the behavior patterns of alcoholism, more able to take care of myself and my children with a clear head.  my worries about my children were always on my mind as i came to my decision.  something that was said to me stood out and i thought it might be good to share with you:  children would rather be FROM a broken home, than to LIVE in a broken home.  this was a powerful thing for me to hear.  take it for what it is worth to you--- good luck.  i also said this prayer a thousand times a day----god, please guide me to the right decision.   eventually, i got there.