Yeesterday hubby tried to pick a fight.  I ended up calling ther police who escorted him off the property.  The officer informed me that I cannot take out a restraining order because hubby knows where to draw the line.  I also cannot get him out of the house until I pay an attorney.  Hubby leaves voluntarily.  He comes back last night and I let him stay.  We talked most of the night adn cried.  Not sure how it happened, but I ended up agreeing to take a few days to think about whether or not I really want him to move out.  Not sure how that happened, because my mind was made up that I had made the right decision.  Part of me wants him to stay and us be the family I know we can be.  Part of me wants him to leave.  I was honest with him that my wanting him to leave was not solely based on his addiciton.  part of it is that I want my own life.  (I want to date and have fun)  I know that must sound horrible.  I didn't tell him about the dating thing...just that he was not the only reason that I want him to leave.  I am not sure where to go from here.  Somewhere along the way, I stopped wanting him to move out for the right reasons, but selfish reasons.  I feel so lost.

Hi powerless.

What an awful night.

I have never had to call the police on my husband but I have come close.

Selfish reasons...Well alanon has taught me to take care of myself and my needs.

if that is selfish then so be it.

I know that you cannot get a husband out of a house without a lawyer, I did some research into that.

That is why I left, when i was fed up enough to not want to listen to the BS, be picked on and named called, pretend everything is okay when it is not.

It is very very tough powerful, I will pray for you.

And I posted powerful for a reason, alanon teaches us we do have choices

take what you like and leave the rest

I haven't been able to have my A leave the house, but I certainly admire all who do.  His drinking is getting worse; I am waiting for his liver to cause him problems.  He drinks all night and sleeps all day.  Didn't even say hello or goodbye today.   I don't even like to talk to him as when he gets up, he is ready for the bar and is so "phoney."  He pretends that nothing is wrong.  As you can see, he comes and goes as he pleases and so do I (I basically only go to work; he is retired).  Our communication is minimal.  The only relationship that I have is one with my HP who has become the love of my life.  We all know what his love is.  Anyway, life goes on.  Keep working on you and stay healthy.  Love and prayers, Annie

Dear Powerless,

Here's a little of my history.  Some may apply, most may not.

I live in CA.  Over 2 years ago, I called the police and they arrested my husband for domestic violence.  He didn't hit me, rather he had restrained me and swung a board around at me. The next morning I went to court and requested a temporary restraining order that was granted.  He eventually pleaded guilty to domestic violence and went to classes for a year.  The classes didn't do much good.

Today, my husband and I are legally separated due to more domestic violence situations (though none that lead to arrest).  Whether we reconcile is in my HP's hands.

My point is, even if you were able to get your husband removed it may or may not make any difference in his behavior.  I had to think long and hard about my own motives for calling the police.  I wanted it to be his wake up call.  It wasn't.

If you really need to be separate from your husband and he won't leave himself, please consider developing an exit plan yourself.  Attending and working an Alanon program will give you the strength to decide what's best for you.

I'm fortunate that my husband is staying away on his own.  If he doesn't, I have an alternative plan.  That's what works for me.

Peace,

Jane

 

 

(((Powerless)))

Reading your post, I felt so much like I was reading part of my own story.

I have never called the police on my husband, because he is a cop - who do you think they're going to side with? He did grab me once and I didn't call the cops. The sad part is, I brought it up not to long ago, he didn't remember it and accused me of lying and trying to ruin his career.

But, I totally understand how you feel about not knowing whether to stay or go. I love my husband, but I hate his drinking and I hate him when he's drinking. We have some good nights that remind me why I love him. More and more though, I've been thinking about how life would be without him - and dating. It keeps sounding more appealing. What would it be like to have a guy pay more attention to me than to his drink and the waitress? How would it feel to spend time with someone who wants to do things I want to do - dinner, movies, dancing?

Then, I also feel guilty, because I do love my husband, but he has become so consumed with alcohol that we don't have fun anymore. We tried going out without our toddler a few times in the past year, but he wants to just sit and drink and gets mad at me for wanting to go home "early", when I would be willing to stay out later, if I was having fun too.

So, yes, we've got some difficult decisions to make. But, I keep reminding myself, as al-anon teaches us, that I need to take care of myself and my son first. So, please remember to take care of you first too. It's sooo important. I had a great weekend with my son and hang onto that. I try not to think about how daddy missed most of it working/hungover. We can be strong and get through this. Whether or not our husband's come with us on the road to recovery is up to them.

I'll keep you in my prayers.