Hello everyone.

I just found this message board a few minutes ago.  I signed up for two listserv style groups the other day, but noticed that most of the postings in those are related to meetings and have topics.  I don't have the alanon books yet (I ordered them the other day), so I don't really feel comfortable posting in those and have just been reading what they have shared on the topics at hand.  I noticed that this message board is less structured, so I figured I would share here first and then after I get my books and feel more comfortable writing on a meeting topic, I will try sharing in one of those groups as well.

I have been thinking about going to an al-anon group for a while.  I went to one a couple of years ago, but most of the people there were a lot older than I am and their husbands were all in AA.  They had been going to the same group for a long time and while they were very welcoming and nice to me, I didn't feel like I fit in, so I didn't go back even though I thought about going to another group a lot.  I didn't even think that maybe there was something online until the other day - even though I am online a lot and I look up the meeting schedule for groups in my city frequently.

Right now, I feel like my life is total chaos and I don't know what to do....

I grew up in an alcoholic household - my stepfather was a serious alcoholic - he didn't work, was drunk all day everyday (at least that's what it seems like looking back on it).  He died from cirrhosis at age 49.  I never brought any friends home - hated for him to even answer the phone (he didn't that often, but when he did I knew I was in for trouble... and embarrassment!!)  I despised my mother (at the time) for never getting rid of him....  I looked at her as weak and worse and said I would never end up like her.........

FAST FORWARD.....

Well, I lied to myself because here I am....  I have been with my boyfriend for seven years.  We live together.  I left him for two years, but he was always at my house, so I came back.  I can't figure out why because while I love him in some ways, I hate him in others.  He is an alcoholic but would never admit to that.  He does go to work everyday (score one for me.... it's not AS bad as it was growing up....).  But he comes home and has already started drinking before he even walks in the door....  I fuss, yell, cuss a lot - so, now he blames the drinking on me..  If I did this or didn't do that then he wouldn't have to drink (yeah, right, what was the reason before he met me....) I refuse to buy his beer or liquor, but he likes to drink liquor with milk (that makes it okay...... milk does a body good (I have heard that a million times))  So, I try not to buy milk - but sometimes I want to have cereal, so I will pick some up and it disappears before a bowl gets eaten.  He tries to act like he hasn't been drinking, so I become the liquor police.  He thinks I can't tell if I don't see the empty liquor bottles or beer cans, but I can tell just by his voice on the phone or the way he walks in the house and I end up seeing the bottles in the basement garbage or even in the outside garbage (he even hides bottles that aren't finished in the garbage cans) or I see empty milk containers everywhere.   On Friday nights he gets so drunk that he spends all day Saturday in bed till it is time to get drunk again and then usually spends all day Sunday in bed sick as a dog, so Sunday is usually sober cause he has to go to work on Monday.  Monday through Thursday he gets drunk but not AS drunk as Friday and Saturday.  We never go anywhere or do anything fun because he is always either drunk or hungover.  I don't have friends over (just like growing up!!!) because I am too embarrassed...  I don't even like him to answer the phone....  

I know I should probably leave, but that's not going to solve MY problems....  even when and if I do... 

So, here I am - after venting.....  I guess I need to start working on Step One....  How do I start?

(thanks for reading, if you got this far and any advice about step one or anything else would be greatly appreciated!!)

 

Mariposa, Welcome! You will find this to a place to find friends who live just like you do. No social life, no friends and miserable. I encourage strongly that you find another face to face meeting to try, maybe even two. Each is different, with different people. Just know that we all have gone through what you have in many ways. Step One Admit to you self that you are powerless over alcohol, that your life has become unmanageable. Step Two Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. There are of course ten more. You need a meeting to get farther. Make sure when you attend a ftf meeting that you get a newcomer's packet. It will give you a list of meetings in your area among other information. You need to take some time right now to focus on you. Maybe look up some old friends. Go for a bike ride, a walk, a run, just something you like. The alcoholic is on his own. You can't do it for him but you can live your own life. Good luck to you. Keep coming back. Whitie

mariposa,

Welcome friend :)

You certainly aren't alone in what you are going through.  You are a step ahead in realizing that it is YOU that can change and you can't change him.

Step 1. is accepting that we (you) are powerless over alcohol-that our lives have become unmanageable.

This means totally accepting that it is his disease,  he's responsible for it and it's consequences.  You can't do a thing about it.  The 3 C's are very helpful.  Didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.

Alanon has tools to help you cope and find peace amongst the chaos.  Hopefully you can find a meeting that you feel comfortable with in your area.  We have a great chatroom here where we go for support, talk to our recovery buddies and also for online meetings.  Come join us in chat!!

http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

~~~Miracles In Progress  Al-Anon~~~

(Mornings)
Mon., Tues., Wed. & Fri. 9AM
(Nightly Meetings)
Mon.-Sat. - 9PM
Sun.-7PM
(Open for General Chat between meetings)

 

Christy (Cjo)

 

(((((Mariposa)))))  <--- hugs

Welcome!!! This is a warm loving place that in time you might find some friends just as I have!! who I have become to love.

At first I was confused as to how to work the steps but found them explained which was of much help to me.  They are posted below...

Meetings oh wow... I too felt so out of place because I was so much younger and the way the spoke and talked to me,  it was weird!!!  But I was persistant and on the 5th try found a wonderful group that is now my home group.  I love all of them in a very special way!! and yes I am still the one of the youngest besides my sister in law.  I found that this one woman who has been in alanon for many many years to be so wise she is really helpful!   Try to go to 6 different meetings before giving up.  You will find one I am sure of it!!

We have much in common like the A's in my life one was my dad and the other is my husband who I just married.  We are on going on 11 yrs in september. 

I came to alanon because of my husband but have found working the steps has brought up alot of my childhood as well, this I was not prepaired for but have delt with again and I am getting trough with the help of my friends here and at my meetings.

Keep comming back, it works if you work it because your worth it!!

Love JJ

Welcome to Alanon Mariposa!!!  I can relate to  your story as you will find many in here are just like you.  I might suggest that you get you hands on some literature like "courage to change" or "paths to recovery."  It's very helpful to have a book to turn to when you have questions.  Paths to recovery is a great book for walking you through the steps and has been like my "big book" as they say in AA.  Hope to see you soon, so glad you found us!!!!  By any chance are you from Mariposa CA?  If so, we just might be closer in age and area then you thought.

take care our new friend,

Trina aka Mastiff

Hi, thanks for welcoming me!! 

I am not from California... I am from Ohio.  I used this nick cause on some other al-anon website they were using butterflies for something, and I always liked the sound of Mariposa - it's the spanish word for butterfly.  I am 32 years old.

I ordered the books (actually a bunch of different ones) the other day but haven't received them yet.  And I am in the IRC chatroom right now....