My husband and I are coming up on our 10th anniversary. We have a wonderful 3-year-old son. We have a nice house and new cars. My husband is obsessed with "keeping up" What he doesn't realize is that his drinking is about to shatter all of these "dreams"
I don't need the material things. I want the man back that I fell in love with. What I have now is a man who won't talk to me. He has an entire life I don't know about. He goes out drinking all the time. If he's not out drinking, he's at home drinking everything in the house. He tells me I'm "old" because I don't want to go out and party with him. I think I'm responsible - we have a family and a house to care for.
When he drinks at home it doesn't stop until everything is gone or he passes out - "falls asleep" If I try to talk to him the mean side really comes out. Everything wrong in his life is my fault - according to him. I want to say it's just the alcohol talking, but I feel like all the alcohol does is remove the fear of saying what's on your mind. All I can think is that he really hates me, but part of me wants to believe he does love me - "it's just the alcohol"
I'm a classic enabler. I go on food runs to soak up the booze. I pick-up beer when he asks - just to avoid the fight. I walk on eggshells just to avoid the fights because I don't know what is going to trigger the mean drunk arguments.
I'm at a breaking point. I want to do what is best for my son and for me. I love my husband. He used to be such a wonderful person and he can still be on the good days. The bad part it the good days don't happen very often anymore.
I need someone to talk to and tell me I'm not crazy, to tell me the tears will stop someday, to tell me that it's not actually my fault.
I don't know where to start . . . when do you know it's time to leave? I know there aren't any immediate answers, but if anyone has any words of wisdom, I'd really appreciate the support. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Thank you for being there.
abbyal said
May 19, 2005
Hello Mom , so glad u posted here today, your not crazy u are describing classic alcoholic behavior and our reaction to it. Regardless of what he says u are not the reason he drinks, your just one of the many excuses he will use. you are not powerful enough to make him drink or to make him stop.
I hope u will find Al-Anon meetings for yourself they will change your life for the better, you will learn about the disease of alcoholism and it's many symptoms and learn to detach from unexceptable behavior, you will learn to set boundaries for your relationship while u get your life back.
The toll free international number is 1-888-4alanon they will give u a contact number for meetings in your area. there is absolutley nothing you can do for him but alot u can do for yourself and your son. We have a chat room here , come and visit until u can find a meeting in your area. you will meet people who have been where your at and they will share thier experiences with Al-Anon . hope to meet u there soon. Louise
jj said
May 19, 2005
((((((Confusedmom))))) <-- hugs
Hi I can totally relate to your situation. Your husband sounds sooo much like mine!! Although he rarely drinks at home. But the bear that comes out of him is the same pretty much and the feeling that my husband hates me is the same. Alanon has helpped me alot and I have learned alot about alcoholism and that yes most of the time it is the alcohol talking. But I do know where you are comming from when you mentioned that the alcohol removes the fear and the truth does come out. For my husband this is particularly true as he never says a word unless he has had a few bottles of liquid courage to help him out.
You are definately not crazy!!! I have been there and I have learned that the insanity in my life was because of how I have reacted to the situations. I have learned to take care of me and to put the focus on me and my children and to let go. It was not easy and it is still hard at times but my days have gone from unbarable to barable. I am not as angry and I have courage to say what is on my mind and avoid confrontation most of the time.
I can't say that I am sure that I can stay in this relationship as it is and most of it is because of my children but there are many many couragous women that I have had the oppertunity to meet that have stayed and end up happy and the complete opposite of what I was first feeling when I came to alanon.
The first thing that people told me that helpped me was the 3 C's I didn't Cause it. I Can't controll it. I Can't cure it.
I go to meetings and what I have gotten from them is a family that truely understands and I have gotten that from the wonderful friends here as well.
Keep comming back
Love in recovery JJ
megan said
May 19, 2005
Hi and welcome
i urge you to find a local alanon meeting. There are also alanon meetings online here in the chat room.
I am married 14 years. We had a nice home and still have nice cars.
My husband was fired 3 years ago and has rarely worked since. he drinks 24/7.
before he was fired we lived much like you do. He would work, come home, drink everything in the house and send me out for more.
Then once he wasn't working he drank 24/7 and sent me out for more booze.
i bought it. he drank 24/7. his legs swelled up and he could barely stand or walk and his urine was dark. he was dying. I went on the internet and found alanon.
Alanon teaches us to take care of ourselves.
It teaches us not to enable - not to buy the booze. It teaches us to set boundaries.
It helps us to focus on ourselves and as you work the 12 steps of the program.
I started alanon last July and left my husband 13 days ago. I might go back, I might not. Alanon has taught me that i have choices.
I was living with insanity
I do not have to listen to the junk that comes out of my husbands mounth when he is drunk.
i love him very much but I love my sanity more.
welcome to alanon and keep coming back
Jeannie said
May 19, 2005
(((Mom)))
Hi Mom and welcome.
You are not crazy!
I love it when they tell us we are old or no fun anymore because we are responsible. Someone has to be. Children have to be raised and deserve at least one parent htey can depend on.
You are definately in the right place. Alanon will not stop him from drinking, he has to do that, but it will help you to deal with teh insanity around you.
None of this is your fault. Alcoholics are very good at taking the blame off their drinking and putting it anywhere else they can. Usually we are right there, making us an easy target. The mean and hurtfulness is not about you either, it is the booze talking, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
I know the eggshell routine. Sadly I was actually relieved if my husband was ill on a Friday or over the weekend. He would lay in bed for days, but at least there was no drinking and we had a small amount of peace.
Alanon can teach you how to be happy, how not to react to his drinking and how to live your life, without the eggshells, no matter what he does. You might as well, because no matter how quiet and perfect you try and make their life, and A will find a reason to drink no matter what.
Keep coming back, read what others in the same situation have written and know that you are not alone, we have all and often are still in the same place. If you can get to in person meetings, (f2f meetings) you will find love and understanding that will help YOU feel better, and yes the tears can stop and you can be happy.
Love Jeannie
holly123 said
May 19, 2005
Welcome,
I hope you continue to come back post and read the posts. There is a lot of help here and at the online meetings/chat room.
I lived with the exact same insanity for many years until the down fall started 3 1/2 years ago. My a had an affair before this he was a happy drunk, during this he picked fights constantly and I felt responsible for everything because thats what he told me. I started Al-Anon because he finally went too far and in one night our lives changed.
I caught him at this other womens house and he told me that he loved her. Then he came home to me and we fought, he left our yard ran 2 stop signs in front of a cop and got a DWI. Unfortunetly and fortunetly it was his 3 alcohol offense so he now has to be sober for 3 years to get his license back, yeh right.
Anyway the point is, at the moment I realize how much I was allowing this person to run my life and how he was holding my strings. Thank God I found Al-anon. I don't think I would have made it through this last year. I am still with my a but am slowly and I do mean slowly learning how to set boundries and learn to take care of me and my kids. I don't know if I should stay or go but I know for now while I am not sure of that answer I need to keep working on me. It has helped me and my a and my kids. I have a very long way to go but I am making strides and have set boundries that have settled our lives down quite a bit. He know that I am serious about the boundries I have set.
Don't get me wrong I have a lot of work to do on me but here we learn how to do that and nobody judges us or tells us that we are wrong. They just support us and give us experiences and ideas.
Thanks for coming here, you are so important, please keep coming back you are worth it
Holly
jrtjosey said
May 19, 2005
You just told my story!! Define some boundaries. In my house my hubby cannot sleep in house if he is drinking, his choice. He choses to sleep in garage a lot. Keep working our program, it works! I feel so much better learning to detach and not speak to a drinking husband, you get no where anyway! If you can learn to detach from his situation and not get sucked in, you will feel so much better. Find a boundary that works for you and stick with it. I recently have been writing out my communication to my husband because we could not talk. Things are turning around and he is trying to make me happy! One day at a time, next week may be a different story. Stick with us and we will help you find your way.
josey
confusedmom said
May 19, 2005
Thank you for all the reassurance.
All of your words has made me decide that I should seek out a meeting. If not for me, for my son.
It's funny when someone suggested al-anon to me I thought "he's not that bad", "I'm just overreacting". But, now I realize that just because he doesn't drink 24/7 doesn't mean that he doesn't have a problem.
I made a decision last week that I was going to live my life and do what was right for me and my son. I instantly became happier - for a few days, anyhow. Now, reading your stories, I know I'm on the right track. I just need some help.
I will find that meeting and I will keep posting and reading here. I already feel very welcome and no longer alone.
Thank you!
david62 said
May 19, 2005
((((confusedmom)))))
So glad to hear that you are going to seek out an alanon meeting! You will find love and support there. And you will learn ways to find ways to have peace, love and serenity in your life whether you husband continues to drink or not!
Get ready for a wonderful journey!
Yours in Recovery,
David62
cloud said
May 20, 2005
(((((((((((((((conf. mom)))))))))) First off welcome to Alanon and let it begin with you and change in you and focus on you is important, then your son MOmmy needs to be well too it is hard to realize our self worth when our focus is on our A and all we do is revolve around them
I have only been here 4 months myself and I have found good friends and some serenity and you will to for some it may appear to come fast to others a bit slower all I know is it comes ODAT one day at a time We all here will love you in a special way and we all know what you are going through take care and your A is lucky to have a wonderful mother to his son and a wonderful wife who loves him letting go does not mean giving up, it only means to now change the focus to you and your son. You have made the first step by comming here which is great Good luck and please visit the online meetings and open chat. Prayers (((((((((((mom&son)))))))) love your new family friend Cloud
How do you know when enough is enough?
My husband and I are coming up on our 10th anniversary. We have a wonderful 3-year-old son. We have a nice house and new cars. My husband is obsessed with "keeping up" What he doesn't realize is that his drinking is about to shatter all of these "dreams"
I don't need the material things. I want the man back that I fell in love with. What I have now is a man who won't talk to me. He has an entire life I don't know about. He goes out drinking all the time. If he's not out drinking, he's at home drinking everything in the house. He tells me I'm "old" because I don't want to go out and party with him. I think I'm responsible - we have a family and a house to care for.
When he drinks at home it doesn't stop until everything is gone or he passes out - "falls asleep" If I try to talk to him the mean side really comes out. Everything wrong in his life is my fault - according to him. I want to say it's just the alcohol talking, but I feel like all the alcohol does is remove the fear of saying what's on your mind. All I can think is that he really hates me, but part of me wants to believe he does love me - "it's just the alcohol"
I'm a classic enabler. I go on food runs to soak up the booze. I pick-up beer when he asks - just to avoid the fight. I walk on eggshells just to avoid the fights because I don't know what is going to trigger the mean drunk arguments.
I'm at a breaking point. I want to do what is best for my son and for me. I love my husband. He used to be such a wonderful person and he can still be on the good days. The bad part it the good days don't happen very often anymore.
I need someone to talk to and tell me I'm not crazy, to tell me the tears will stop someday, to tell me that it's not actually my fault.
I don't know where to start . . . when do you know it's time to leave? I know there aren't any immediate answers, but if anyone has any words of wisdom, I'd really appreciate the support. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Thank you for being there.
Hello Mom , so glad u posted here today, your not crazy u are describing classic alcoholic behavior and our reaction to it. Regardless of what he says u are not the reason he drinks, your just one of the many excuses he will use. you are not powerful enough to make him drink or to make him stop.
I hope u will find Al-Anon meetings for yourself they will change your life for the better, you will learn about the disease of alcoholism and it's many symptoms and learn to detach from unexceptable behavior, you will learn to set boundaries for your relationship while u get your life back.
The toll free international number is 1-888-4alanon they will give u a contact number for meetings in your area. there is absolutley nothing you can do for him but alot u can do for yourself and your son. We have a chat room here , come and visit until u can find a meeting in your area. you will meet people who have been where your at and they will share thier experiences with Al-Anon . hope to meet u there soon. Louise
((((((Confusedmom))))) <-- hugs
Hi I can totally relate to your situation. Your husband sounds sooo much like mine!! Although he rarely drinks at home. But the bear that comes out of him is the same pretty much and the feeling that my husband hates me is the same. Alanon has helpped me alot and I have learned alot about alcoholism and that yes most of the time it is the alcohol talking. But I do know where you are comming from when you mentioned that the alcohol removes the fear and the truth does come out. For my husband this is particularly true as he never says a word unless he has had a few bottles of liquid courage to help him out.
You are definately not crazy!!! I have been there and I have learned that the insanity in my life was because of how I have reacted to the situations. I have learned to take care of me and to put the focus on me and my children and to let go. It was not easy and it is still hard at times but my days have gone from unbarable to barable. I am not as angry and I have courage to say what is on my mind and avoid confrontation most of the time.
I can't say that I am sure that I can stay in this relationship as it is and most of it is because of my children but there are many many couragous women that I have had the oppertunity to meet that have stayed and end up happy and the complete opposite of what I was first feeling when I came to alanon.
The first thing that people told me that helpped me was the 3 C's
I didn't Cause it.
I Can't controll it.
I Can't cure it.
I go to meetings and what I have gotten from them is a family that truely understands and I have gotten that from the wonderful friends here as well.
Keep comming back
Love in recovery JJ
Hi and welcome
i urge you to find a local alanon meeting. There are also alanon meetings online here in the chat room.
I am married 14 years. We had a nice home and still have nice cars.
My husband was fired 3 years ago and has rarely worked since. he drinks 24/7.
before he was fired we lived much like you do. He would work, come home, drink everything in the house and send me out for more.
Then once he wasn't working he drank 24/7 and sent me out for more booze.
i bought it. he drank 24/7. his legs swelled up and he could barely stand or walk and his urine was dark. he was dying. I went on the internet and found alanon.
Alanon teaches us to take care of ourselves.
It teaches us not to enable - not to buy the booze. It teaches us to set boundaries.
It helps us to focus on ourselves and as you work the 12 steps of the program.
I started alanon last July and left my husband 13 days ago. I might go back, I might not. Alanon has taught me that i have choices.
I was living with insanity
I do not have to listen to the junk that comes out of my husbands mounth when he is drunk.
i love him very much but I love my sanity more.
welcome to alanon and keep coming back
(((Mom)))
Hi Mom and welcome.
You are not crazy!
I love it when they tell us we are old or no fun anymore because we are responsible. Someone has to be. Children have to be raised and deserve at least one parent htey can depend on.
You are definately in the right place. Alanon will not stop him from drinking, he has to do that, but it will help you to deal with teh insanity around you.
None of this is your fault. Alcoholics are very good at taking the blame off their drinking and putting it anywhere else they can. Usually we are right there, making us an easy target. The mean and hurtfulness is not about you either, it is the booze talking, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
I know the eggshell routine. Sadly I was actually relieved if my husband was ill on a Friday or over the weekend. He would lay in bed for days, but at least there was no drinking and we had a small amount of peace.
Alanon can teach you how to be happy, how not to react to his drinking and how to live your life, without the eggshells, no matter what he does. You might as well, because no matter how quiet and perfect you try and make their life, and A will find a reason to drink no matter what.
Keep coming back, read what others in the same situation have written and know that you are not alone, we have all and often are still in the same place. If you can get to in person meetings, (f2f meetings) you will find love and understanding that will help YOU feel better, and yes the tears can stop and you can be happy.
Love Jeannie
Welcome,
I hope you continue to come back post and read the posts. There is a lot of help here and at the online meetings/chat room.
I lived with the exact same insanity for many years until the down fall started 3 1/2 years ago. My a had an affair before this he was a happy drunk, during this he picked fights constantly and I felt responsible for everything because thats what he told me. I started Al-Anon because he finally went too far and in one night our lives changed.
I caught him at this other womens house and he told me that he loved her. Then he came home to me and we fought, he left our yard ran 2 stop signs in front of a cop and got a DWI. Unfortunetly and fortunetly it was his 3 alcohol offense so he now has to be sober for 3 years to get his license back, yeh right.
Anyway the point is, at the moment I realize how much I was allowing this person to run my life and how he was holding my strings. Thank God I found Al-anon. I don't think I would have made it through this last year. I am still with my a but am slowly and I do mean slowly learning how to set boundries and learn to take care of me and my kids. I don't know if I should stay or go but I know for now while I am not sure of that answer I need to keep working on me. It has helped me and my a and my kids. I have a very long way to go but I am making strides and have set boundries that have settled our lives down quite a bit. He know that I am serious about the boundries I have set.
Don't get me wrong I have a lot of work to do on me but here we learn how to do that and nobody judges us or tells us that we are wrong. They just support us and give us experiences and ideas.
Thanks for coming here, you are so important, please keep coming back you are worth it
Holly
You just told my story!! Define some boundaries. In my house my hubby cannot sleep in house if he is drinking, his choice. He choses to sleep in garage a lot. Keep working our program, it works! I feel so much better learning to detach and not speak to a drinking husband, you get no where anyway! If you can learn to detach from his situation and not get sucked in, you will feel so much better. Find a boundary that works for you and stick with it. I recently have been writing out my communication to my husband because we could not talk. Things are turning around and he is trying to make me happy! One day at a time, next week may be a different story. Stick with us and we will help you find your way.
josey
Thank you for all the reassurance.
All of your words has made me decide that I should seek out a meeting. If not for me, for my son.
It's funny when someone suggested al-anon to me I thought "he's not that bad", "I'm just overreacting". But, now I realize that just because he doesn't drink 24/7 doesn't mean that he doesn't have a problem.
I made a decision last week that I was going to live my life and do what was right for me and my son. I instantly became happier - for a few days, anyhow. Now, reading your stories, I know I'm on the right track. I just need some help.
I will find that meeting and I will keep posting and reading here. I already feel very welcome and no longer alone.
Thank you!
((((confusedmom)))))
So glad to hear that you are going to seek out an alanon meeting! You will find love and support there. And you will learn ways to find ways to have peace, love and serenity in your life whether you husband continues to drink or not!
Get ready for a wonderful journey!
Yours in Recovery,
David62
(((((((((((((((conf. mom)))))))))) First off welcome to Alanon and let it begin with you and change in you and focus on you is important, then your son MOmmy needs to be well too it is hard to realize our self worth when our focus is on our A and all we do is revolve around them
I have only been here 4 months myself and I have found good friends and some serenity and you will to for some it may appear to come fast to others a bit slower all I know is it comes ODAT one day at a time We all here will love you in a special way and we all know what you are going through take care and your A is lucky to have a wonderful mother to his son and a wonderful wife who loves him letting go does not mean giving up, it only means to now change the focus to you and your son. You have made the first step by comming here which is great Good luck and please visit the online meetings and open chat. Prayers (((((((((((mom&son)))))))) love your new family friend Cloud