hi all - my first post. My first al-anon meeting last night.  And I keep thinking, "maybe I am blowing this out of porportion, maybe I am wrong...mabye I really dont need this"

I don't think that is the case.  I don't know anymore. 

Welcome

I am glad that you found a face to face meeting and here on the web.

I too had thoughts what if I'm wrong and he's not an alcoholic.

That was last July when I first started.

Listen and learn. What did it for me was I watched his behaviours when he was drunk and realized that this is just not normal

keep coming back

hi there, i'm sure that most of us have had the same thoughts....what if i'm wrong? what if things aren't as bad as i am making them out to be? i have had them. i'm pretty sure it's normal. and in my case my husband was (and still is) a master at trying to convince me that i am crazy and i am the one who needs some help. the only difference now is, i know that i am not crazy. and he was right to some extent, i did ned help and i found it in al-anon. i started al-anon a year ago on june 2nd. and no matter what my husband said or did, i just kept going back. it literally saved my life and my sanity and my marriage. i'm glad for you that you have found us....you are not alone. just keep going back. you are worth it.

mamareich

-- Edited by mamareich at 16:04, 2005-05-18

If you are not sure if you need us, you probably need our family!  Don't be shy, we were all there once.

josey

thanks guys - it is crazy making sometimes...mostly my own doing I suppose.  Ihave to stop it..I think al-anon can help that.  I will decide later..and keep going.  BTW- what is HP?

HP is Higher power God as you experience him

Hi, u have the right attitude keep going to meetings and decide later. Perhaps you were focusing on the differences between u and others at the meeting, listen for the similarities and you will know your in the right place.   (feelings= attitudes)  good luck  Louise

Welcome....we've been there done that...my A is a master manipulator...and frequently, I feel maybe it's me.  You don't say how long you've been exposed to the disease???  It doesn't get better.  After 30 years, we've had good years and bad years, but he's still an A, and I've had to compromise my beliefs and  my personality many, many times. 

Nothing is ever all bad, or all good.  It's up to you to decide.  Others have posted good "advise" to you...take what you like and leave the rest.

In the meantime, here, you have a shoulder upon which to cry, laugh or vent.  Thank you for sharing with us

I remember going through the what if stage off/on for 3 years til I finally came to the realization that whether he was or not according to what was acceptable to him.  Once I seen that the MOST important element in his life was alcohol, I knew there was no longer room for me-- with that came analysis of what I NEEDED and WANTED from a man, which was love, kindness, respect and compassion.  Then I determined that Alcohol does not EQUAL all of these characteristics and made my decision that whether he was an alcoholic or not, the behavior itself offered closure with my choice. 

The final answer I had to ask myself wasn't what if he wasn't an alcoholic, but rather What If he never changed and he stayed EXACTLY as he was with his drinking and behavior towards our relationship.  The answer then was that I did not want to live always hoping for the best and wasting my life on someone who rarely was concerned about anyone but himself.

Take Care!

 

Hi,

It is scarey at first, but it doesn't have to be about labeling him. It is about you not him. If someones drinking is affecting you, then Alanon can help.

You have the right idea, give it time and see what you think.

                                         Love Jeannie

This doubt I have comes from I am not sure where.  Maybe from him?  Because I know for me drinking everyday is not normal...but can I say that should be the same for him?  For me, stopping after two or three cocktails on a night out on the town is normal...but for him, it isn't.

It doesn't affect how he works, and his day-to-day activity and he gets through the day very successfully...So why does it affect me?  Because he does change...not dramatically, not dangerously, all I know is he changes.  I hate driving home from work, knowing that there will be a beer open...maybe the 2nd or 3rd one?   I do not like sitting next to him at what used to be our favorite Friday cocktail hour bar, watching a martini followed by a wine followed by whatever else.

HOW do I seperate him from the alcohol in my mind????  How do I "lovingly detach"?  This is so hard for me...detaching from my husband???? that seems so wrong   And just rereading my post I sound like I am apologizing for him! or rationlizing his tolerance for alchohol?  I feel I am doing this all wrong ALREADY.

 

You can't do this wrong, there is no right way, it is for you and about you.

It is about not doing things that make you uncomfortable, and learning how not to let them effect you.

You are not going to make him stop drinking, you can't. It doesn't matter what is normal or not, if you don't feel comfortable with it, then you don't have to deal with it.

Don't try and make changes or take action. Go to a few meetings, and read some of the posts here. Give it a few meetings and see how you feel. I have been around Alanon for 10 years. In the early years I came and left a lot.

I remember my husbands third DWI arrest. He was court ordered to rehab. Believe it or not I came to Alanon crying because the mean judge thought my husband was an Alcoholic. I couldn't believe they where taking him away from me for 28 days. Those woman should have laughed me out of the room for being so deep in denial and such an idiot, but they didn't. They welcomed me with open arms and asked nothing of me. I came for him, and stayed for me. I learned a lot, but more about me than anything else. My husband still drinks, okay he has quit for a week, but I've heard that song before. Only time will tell, but I am still here.

My point is that no one is judging you, or telling you what to do, no one will make you decide it is a problem, or tel you it isn't, it is up to you, one way or the other.

There is no timeline or pressure, the idea is to make you happy and comfortable. Alanon is about relieving the stress not adding more.

Start out by being good to yourself and feeling good about yourself. See what happens after that.

                    Love jeannie

-- Edited by Jeannie at 11:30, 2005-05-19