I keep asking my self that. Husband keeps saying that he wants/ needs help with his drinking, but hasn't took that step to do so. Meanwhile I'm here still dealing with his drinking. My anger is building and my sadness when I look at him I'm finding more difficult to control. I can't help but feel like I need to do something seeing as he seems unable to do for himself. Now I know they need to do this for themselves that they need to want to get sober and all that, but my heart aches for him. I guess what I would like to know is would it be wrong for me to set him up in a detox or rehab center? I am going to talk to a counsler today about this too. Has anyone here done this before and has it helped? Mine seems to have the desire to stop but just cant seem to do it himself. In my opnion and observing of him I don't think that AA alone would do him good. He has been dealing with alot of depression, of course I'm no doctor just what I see from him. I am feeling torn right now and don't know if I should give this a try or just walk away. He has been a part of my life since my late teens and the thought of just walking away tears me to pieces. At the same time though I can't keep going through all this everytime I turn around. Any words of wisdom I sure could use right now. Thanks to all here.
Feather
holly123 said
May 18, 2005
Lil Feathered One,
I can only tell you how I feel and my experience so far. My a also says he needs help and but does nothing. From what I understand from being around this for the last year is that a's will sometimes say they need help for years before getting it and then they may never get it.
I have considered setting up a stay at a rehab but I know that unless he chose it he would do what he did his last stay in rehab, fake it until he got out, 5 miles down the road from his release the old him came right back. I think he learned some things but then again maybe not, but the problem was he did it only to stay out of jail for a DWI not because he was actually seeking help.
It is more important Lil for you to work on you and let him choose his recovery on his own time. In my opinion in my case I do understand the frustration and anger you suffer from and I have seriously considered telling him either he goes to rehab and gets serious about his life or he has to leave, because I just can't stand him when he is drunk but I haven't done that I think because I know that I'm not ready for him to say fine than i'm leaving.
When ever you decide be sure to take care of you.
Keep coming back
Love Holly
Jeannie said
May 18, 2005
Hi Lil
I know what you are going through and it is hard. I know myself I have given information to my husband about different programs and all it has done is get him angry.
At times I have even thought of trying to have him commited because his drinking is seriously affecting his health, but I know it would just get him very angry. He has done programs because I have given him ultimatums, but he too just fakes it until he gets out and then right back to the booze. He will not accept that he is an A and is still looking to blame the world. He is determined that he can control his drinking when he wants to, and Mommy and Daddy just verify that.
He is now living with them, again, as I will not have him actively drinking around our children. He keeps trying to come home, but I keep telling him no. If the time ever comes, that he is truly ready, I know I will know.
I feel helpless constantly because Ilove him very much and know that there is nothing I can do, he has to want to do it, and all I get right now is anger, defiance and lies.
Alanon teaches us to say what we mean and mean what we say, so unless you are ready to live without him, don't give him an ultimatum, as you don't know what he will choose.
All you can do is continue to take care of you.
Love Jeannie
abbyal said
May 18, 2005
I understand your concern , but unless he does this for himself chances are it won't take. In our community detox centers will talk to no one but the A, we cannot do it for them. The A will promise us anything to get us off thier back agree to go to treatment etc. This is a disease with many nasty symptoms. It is his problem and he alone can fix it.
You don't say if you are going to Al-Anon meetings for yourself it's just my opinion but I believe it is the best way to support our husbands. Learn to detach with love and allow him the dignity to grow up and make his own choices as to how he will live his life while u get on with yours.
By practicing the al anon program i was able to stay in my marriage and get happy regardless of what he is doing. I had to get out of the road (detach) so that God could get at him it is beyond a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done in my life , watching someone u love hit his bottom is not pretty but with support from Al-Anon friends yu can do it.I learned here that everything I tried to change things was doomed to fail because it was not my problem to fix. The only thing I can change is me and my attitude about what is going on around me.
It says in our opening tht changed attitudes can aide recovery , I din't know they meant mine hehe. Good luck Louise
wallsal55 said
May 18, 2005
Yes, this has helped me/us. My husband tends to "listen" better when there's a 3rd party or mediator involved. If you start counseling, he may be curious/interested enought to follow along. Mine would never realize there was a problem until I called a "shrink". Then it was an eye opener to him.
jo4 said
May 19, 2005
my a "wanted" to quit drink for years before he actually did.
and when he did, he was fully capable of looking up AA in the phone book. he even drove himself to the meetings. when his DUI came through and he lost his liscence, he found people willing to drive him or he drove his bike. one hour each way. that's willingness.
for it to 'stick'...........they gotta want it with all their being. supporting him means going to alanon meetings and saying........if you want to go to rehab, AA, you know where the phone book is. if you need me to drive you there let me know. and leaving it in his lap. giving him the dignity of making the 'choice' to recover will increase his chances of sticking to 'his' decision. tough love, not loving to death is what works.
I keep asking my self that. Husband keeps saying that he wants/ needs help with his drinking, but hasn't took that step to do so. Meanwhile I'm here still dealing with his drinking. My anger is building and my sadness when I look at him I'm finding more difficult to control. I can't help but feel like I need to do something seeing as he seems unable to do for himself. Now I know they need to do this for themselves that they need to want to get sober and all that, but my heart aches for him. I guess what I would like to know is would it be wrong for me to set him up in a detox or rehab center? I am going to talk to a counsler today about this too. Has anyone here done this before and has it helped? Mine seems to have the desire to stop but just cant seem to do it himself. In my opnion and observing of him I don't think that AA alone would do him good. He has been dealing with alot of depression, of course I'm no doctor just what I see from him. I am feeling torn right now and don't know if I should give this a try or just walk away. He has been a part of my life since my late teens and the thought of just walking away tears me to pieces. At the same time though I can't keep going through all this everytime I turn around. Any words of wisdom I sure could use right now. Thanks to all here.
Feather
Lil Feathered One,
I can only tell you how I feel and my experience so far. My a also says he needs help and but does nothing. From what I understand from being around this for the last year is that a's will sometimes say they need help for years before getting it and then they may never get it.
I have considered setting up a stay at a rehab but I know that unless he chose it he would do what he did his last stay in rehab, fake it until he got out, 5 miles down the road from his release the old him came right back. I think he learned some things but then again maybe not, but the problem was he did it only to stay out of jail for a DWI not because he was actually seeking help.
It is more important Lil for you to work on you and let him choose his recovery on his own time. In my opinion in my case I do understand the frustration and anger you suffer from and I have seriously considered telling him either he goes to rehab and gets serious about his life or he has to leave, because I just can't stand him when he is drunk but I haven't done that I think because I know that I'm not ready for him to say fine than i'm leaving.
When ever you decide be sure to take care of you.
Keep coming back
Love Holly
Hi Lil
I know what you are going through and it is hard. I know myself I have given information to my husband about different programs and all it has done is get him angry.
At times I have even thought of trying to have him commited because his drinking is seriously affecting his health, but I know it would just get him very angry. He has done programs because I have given him ultimatums, but he too just fakes it until he gets out and then right back to the booze. He will not accept that he is an A and is still looking to blame the world. He is determined that he can control his drinking when he wants to, and Mommy and Daddy just verify that.
He is now living with them, again, as I will not have him actively drinking around our children. He keeps trying to come home, but I keep telling him no. If the time ever comes, that he is truly ready, I know I will know.
I feel helpless constantly because Ilove him very much and know that there is nothing I can do, he has to want to do it, and all I get right now is anger, defiance and lies.
Alanon teaches us to say what we mean and mean what we say, so unless you are ready to live without him, don't give him an ultimatum, as you don't know what he will choose.
All you can do is continue to take care of you.
Love Jeannie
I understand your concern , but unless he does this for himself chances are it won't take. In our community detox centers will talk to no one but the A, we cannot do it for them. The A will promise us anything to get us off thier back agree to go to treatment etc. This is a disease with many nasty symptoms. It is his problem and he alone can fix it.
You don't say if you are going to Al-Anon meetings for yourself it's just my opinion but I believe it is the best way to support our husbands. Learn to detach with love and allow him the dignity to grow up and make his own choices as to how he will live his life while u get on with yours.
By practicing the al anon program i was able to stay in my marriage and get happy regardless of what he is doing. I had to get out of the road (detach) so that God could get at him it is beyond a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done in my life , watching someone u love hit his bottom is not pretty but with support from Al-Anon friends yu can do it.I learned here that everything I tried to change things was doomed to fail because it was not my problem to fix. The only thing I can change is me and my attitude about what is going on around me.
It says in our opening tht changed attitudes can aide recovery , I din't know they meant mine hehe. Good luck Louise
my a "wanted" to quit drink for years before he actually did.
and when he did, he was fully capable of looking up AA in the phone book. he even drove himself to the meetings. when his DUI came through and he lost his liscence, he found people willing to drive him or he drove his bike. one hour each way. that's willingness.
for it to 'stick'...........they gotta want it with all their being. supporting him means going to alanon meetings and saying........if you want to go to rehab, AA, you know where the phone book is. if you need me to drive you there let me know. and leaving it in his lap. giving him the dignity of making the 'choice' to recover will increase his chances of sticking to 'his' decision. tough love, not loving to death is what works.
good luck to you :)
jo