Today I'm feeling a little sad, and I have that familiar knot in my stomach. My dad is my A (alcohol and pills), he has been attending AA daily for about eighteen months and as far as I know has been sober. My mother is a codependent without a program. Last night she was telling me that she is upset about this man my dad has befriended in AA. For whatever reason (my dad has said this guy's car has been in the shop, etc.) my dad has had to take him to all sorts of places (e.g., the grocery store). My mom suspects this guy can't drive from a DWI, but she's upset my dad is playing the "can't tell you-- confidentiality" card. It's affecting her trust in him, and since her instincts about him are usually fairly accurate, it's affecting my serenity as well. He had been doing so well, and I would hate to see anything jeopardize that. I'm not sure if I should try to talk to him or not, and it's upsetting. Thanks for listening.
Nal
Jeannie said
May 18, 2005
Hi Nal,
Trust is a fragile thing and once broken takes a long time to get back (if ever).
If your Dad has had 18 months in the program and is doing well, the only thing you can do is keep praying that his HP will continue to guide him in the right direction. Unfortunatley there is nothing else you can do.
A big part of AA and Alanon is service and the friendships made are what can help a person hang on to their sobriety. A person who has decided to be sober and has the penalties of a DWI as well has an added stress of how to get around added to the number one priority of not drinking. Don't get me wrong I am not excusing their actions at all, just stating the obviouse. Maybe your Dad feels he can help this person out.
As for the confidentiality, that is very important both here and AA. What is heard within the walls of a meeting must stay there, and never be used for gossip. While Mom and you might need to be reassured of what is going on, it is really not right for your Dad to tell you the other mans business.
Trust that he has been doing well and will continue to do so and concentrate on taking care of yoursleves, that is really all you can do.
Love Jeannie
holly123 said
May 18, 2005
Hi Nal,
I agree with Jeannie, it maybe very important for you Dad to help this person and since we are a usually suspicious due to living with an active a, it is hard to take anything they say at value and not look for hidden meaning.
As hard as it is we have to believe that his HP has a purpose for all of this and that no matter what it was necessary for him to help this other person out.
Hang in there, and keep coming back.
Love Ya,
Holly
abbyal said
May 18, 2005
Hello Nal, well since trust is a big issue for us I understand your fears. Your dad is sober that u should be grateful for and there is a good chance driving this man around is what is keeping him that way. AA's stick together and help each other alot it's all part of the program - When the Hand of anyone reaches out. Let AA be there.
Your mom will not be the first one to resent him being at so many meetings etc, but for some A's its a daily struggle and it 's where they need to be. So if u can assume he is Sober and have a good day yourself. On any day Sober is better than drunk . Turn your dad over to the God of your understanding and get your life back on track Al-Anon will get u there.
Good luck Louise
wallsal55 said
May 18, 2005
Sounds like your mom is still watching your dad, when she can probably relax a bit and put her focus even more on herself. Encourage her to take in some alanon meetings where she can just think about herself for an hour. Hope this helps.
Powerless said
May 18, 2005
I agree with what everyone else has said so far. It could be possible that he is just trying to be a positive in this other man's life. Maybe they can talk about things that your dad doesn't feel comfortable talking to anyone else about. Maybe they are leaning on each other for support. I hope that is the case. I know what you mean by the ability to judge characters. my mother-in-law says that I have the same ability when it comes to my husband. I really don't, I am just distrustful of everyone.
Hi,
Today I'm feeling a little sad, and I have that familiar knot in my stomach. My dad is my A (alcohol and pills), he has been attending AA daily for about eighteen months and as far as I know has been sober. My mother is a codependent without a program. Last night she was telling me that she is upset about this man my dad has befriended in AA. For whatever reason (my dad has said this guy's car has been in the shop, etc.) my dad has had to take him to all sorts of places (e.g., the grocery store). My mom suspects this guy can't drive from a DWI, but she's upset my dad is playing the "can't tell you-- confidentiality" card. It's affecting her trust in him, and since her instincts about him are usually fairly accurate, it's affecting my serenity as well. He had been doing so well, and I would hate to see anything jeopardize that. I'm not sure if I should try to talk to him or not, and it's upsetting. Thanks for listening.
Nal
Hi Nal,
Trust is a fragile thing and once broken takes a long time to get back (if ever).
If your Dad has had 18 months in the program and is doing well, the only thing you can do is keep praying that his HP will continue to guide him in the right direction. Unfortunatley there is nothing else you can do.
A big part of AA and Alanon is service and the friendships made are what can help a person hang on to their sobriety. A person who has decided to be sober and has the penalties of a DWI as well has an added stress of how to get around added to the number one priority of not drinking. Don't get me wrong I am not excusing their actions at all, just stating the obviouse. Maybe your Dad feels he can help this person out.
As for the confidentiality, that is very important both here and AA. What is heard within the walls of a meeting must stay there, and never be used for gossip. While Mom and you might need to be reassured of what is going on, it is really not right for your Dad to tell you the other mans business.
Trust that he has been doing well and will continue to do so and concentrate on taking care of yoursleves, that is really all you can do.
Love Jeannie
Hi Nal,
I agree with Jeannie, it maybe very important for you Dad to help this person and since we are a usually suspicious due to living with an active a, it is hard to take anything they say at value and not look for hidden meaning.
As hard as it is we have to believe that his HP has a purpose for all of this and that no matter what it was necessary for him to help this other person out.
Hang in there, and keep coming back.
Love Ya,
Holly
Hello Nal, well since trust is a big issue for us I understand your fears. Your dad is sober that u should be grateful for and there is a good chance driving this man around is what is keeping him that way. AA's stick together and help each other alot it's all part of the program - When the Hand of anyone reaches out. Let AA be there.
Your mom will not be the first one to resent him being at so many meetings etc, but for some A's its a daily struggle and it 's where they need to be. So if u can assume he is Sober and have a good day yourself. On any day Sober is better than drunk . Turn your dad over to the God of your understanding and get your life back on track Al-Anon will get u there.
Good luck Louise