well this morning we (my husband and I) meet my parents at a really nice hotel on the water to have brunch. we have our 2 yr old son with us and i am pregnant with the next. there is bottomless champaign served with brunch and my husband has a couple glasses. i figured we were in the clear because he doesnt like champaign. after brunch, my parents (also drinkers) have the bright idea to get a hotel room at another hotel and party on the beach. so, of course, my husband has to stop by the store and get his own margartita mix. this is because he knows that if he had to pay $4 for each that he would drink, we would be broke when we left. so when we get to the room he starts to pound them away. it doesnt take very long for him to get drunk enough for me to see that glazed over look in his eye. the next thing i know, he's throwing up in the sink, and the best part is that when he's done he pours himself another drink. and it always amazes me when i am supprised that he would do that. so anyways he decides that he wants to stay in the hotel, and i told him "no" because our son wont sleep anywhere but his crib. but it's like i'm not even talking and he insists. but i wont give in because i will not subject my son to this just so that my husband can party hardy all night long. well he decides that he will get a room anyways and as i'm leaving he calls my cell and tells my that he just got the most expensive room they have with a veiw. mind you, we dont make a lot of money, and we have another baby coming (and we dont have insurance). so i tell him that he better get our money back and ,of course, he refuses. now i'm home, and he's at the hotel enjoying it on his own. and since he's not answering the phone or door, i'm guessing he passed out hours ago. meen while he has spend hundreds of dollars, embarraseed the hell out of me in front of my family, and made me drive our son and myself all the way home by myself. i dont know how much longer i can take this, and i dont know if i can be a mother of two by myself. i love my husband (obviously-or i wouldnt be here still) and i dont want to leave but i think of what the rest of our lives are gonna be like, continuing like this. and our children. please write back with advice, i'm desperate.
megan said
May 15, 2005
Hi Kimmie and welcome
Are you new to alanon? Alanon is a group for the family and friends of alcoholics.
I am married for 15 years and just got the courage to leave my husband last week.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and will get worse. It did with mine.
There is a chat board on here that is very helpful too. 2nd link from the top. tell them you are new.
face to face meetings help and so do the online ones here on this board. I am very very thankful for the alanon program and the support I have gained and the self-knowledge that I have learned
Welcome
and keep coming back
lin0606 said
May 15, 2005
Welcome, looks like you have found the right place. We don't give advice here, as we all are in different places in our lives, but if you read the different threads, I think you will find that there are things that can help you.
Right now, this evening, you can pat yourself on the back for taking care of your son, taking him away from that crazyness. Now, take care of yourself - have something to eat, take a bath, stretch out on the bed and get a good night's sleep - you know that your husband won't be there to wake you up, take advantage of it.
The more you learn about this disease, the better you will be able to know what to do. There are books in the library, available through this site, or through Amazon or E bay. One many of us have found useful is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews - it is not an alanon book, but is full of useful tips on how to take care of yourself and let the alcoholic face his own consequences. Any alanon book will help you - one of my favorites is "In All Our Affairs" - "From Survival to Recovery" is also good if you grew up in a drinking home.
If you can get to a face to face meeting, that is best. There is a link at the top of this page to help you find meeting schedules, I think. Most of all, take care of yourself, take care of those babies. Keep coming back.
debilyn said
May 15, 2005
Hi, well my first thought was, if it were me, I would start socking money away for me and my kids.
In my life that is what I did. I took care of me.I have my own home, my own vehicle and my own income. I don't depend on him for anything.I just enjoy him when I get to.
It is sad but for me, I look at being married to an A as totally different than being married to someone without the disease. I made the mistake of learning that when I almost lost my home and everything. I married him when I was in great shape. My own home, new jeep and pickup money in the bank.
Then lost everything. I struggled not to lose my home and thanks to hp it is mine.
I love my A. He is sick. I went thru all the hating him, the horrible stuff, but alanon taught me so many truths. Now my life is pretty good most the time.
The disease loves to tear me up, but usually now I get over it quicker.
Anyway I am sorry the disease is making you miserable. It is not your husband, it is his illness. This is where detachment comes in.
Glad you are here, keep coming back. love,debilyn oh a good book: Getting Them Sober.
bcanuck said
May 16, 2005
Hi Kimmie and welcome.
Sounds like not only do you have an alcoholic hubby to deal with but your parents sound like they have a problem as well. Do you have any other family or friends to turn to for support? This program will help you get through each and every day, and each month and year. It's amazing the tools you can pick upfrom Alanon without even realizing you have them! You've found the right place coming here too. Keep coming back and posting when you can.
Bonnie
holly123 said
May 16, 2005
Hi Kimmie
First of all I want to tell you how brave and what a great step to take care of you and yours by leaving him there and going home. You must alway think of you first. I'm sure if you had stayed you would have been twice as miserable as you were going home alone. I know what it is like to be talked into putting yourself and you child out for him and believe me it sounds like you did what was best.
I can only tell you what I am doing for me, I don't have the family that drinks and my a is no longer allowed to drink at home after his DWI in Mar '04. What I have done is stripped him of any credit card, ATM cards extra. That way he can't get us further in debt, I give him a small allowance and he understand that I need the rest to pay the bills. I'm not the greatest with money myself but I'm better than he is. You could also think about getting him is own credit card with just his name attached if he won't relinquish his.
I have also started my own checking account which my paycheck goes into every week, I don't know if you work but if you don't maybe put some money in there a little at a time. It is very important to me to pay my bills and because of that I think I have kept my a around, don't get me wrong I do love him deep down but right now there is so much resentment I don't feel love. I am mostly confused about what to do so I do nothing. I have although smartened up and taken the credit cards away from me too. I want to get out of debt the best I can so me and my 2 kids can survive if my a every had to leave.
I don't want to be the person who is caught off guard and up to my eyeballs in debt. Don't get me wrong if he left today I would be $10,000 in debt with credit cards and 2 vehicles to figure out how to pay for. But I am slowly working on it. It is a daily battle with myself to figure out what do we really need to spend money on and what don't we need. I tend to think I need to spend money only to realize after I don't.
I understand you problems, I would also suggest that you look into your states insurance programs, we have Dr. Dynasaur for our kids now and the state insurance for ourselves. We have to pay $130/month for ours but when I was pregnant it was free insurance. The unborn baby counts toward the number of people in you family so give it a try the worst that can happen is you will be turned down.
I found for me, that priority number one seems to be financial security. I can't rely on him and even though I would have loved to stay home with my kids I am working because I don't want him to have that much power over me. I know what you are going through is so hard, and it seems like no end in sight. But start to make a plan now on what you need so that you can be more comfortable in your skin so to speak. I find that having my own checking account is giving me the confidence. I know still that without his paycheck we would be seriously hurting but I can see my check covering things I never thought possible.
Above all take care of you and yours, let him take care of him. You can do it with a little planning and a lot of support. Even if the support only comes from here.
Love Ya,
Keep Coming Back
Holly
Jeannie said
May 16, 2005
(((Kimmie)))
Good for you, for doing what is best for you and your little guy.
It is hard enough dealing with an A, but doing it pregnant can be really stressful. I went through my last pregnancy basically alone, I had put my husband out because his antics where putting me and the baby in danger. It was not easy but I found out how strong I really am.
Make sure you make the time to really care for you. Take extra care to rest, and pamper yourself, for your good as well as the baby. Baby needs Mommy to be strong and healthy and so does your son.
From my own experience I drew on the love I had for my unborn child whenever I didn't think I could take anymore, it kept me going, that and the support of friends at home, work and here on this board.
Remember , your little guy depends on you, and that little darling you are carrying depends on you for his or her very life. Good luck with the pregnancy, come here often, try to get to f2f meetings if you can and are up to it, but most of all take care of yourself.
well this morning we (my husband and I) meet my parents at a really nice hotel on the water to have brunch. we have our 2 yr old son with us and i am pregnant with the next. there is bottomless champaign served with brunch and my husband has a couple glasses. i figured we were in the clear because he doesnt like champaign. after brunch, my parents (also drinkers) have the bright idea to get a hotel room at another hotel and party on the beach. so, of course, my husband has to stop by the store and get his own margartita mix. this is because he knows that if he had to pay $4 for each that he would drink, we would be broke when we left. so when we get to the room he starts to pound them away. it doesnt take very long for him to get drunk enough for me to see that glazed over look in his eye. the next thing i know, he's throwing up in the sink, and the best part is that when he's done he pours himself another drink. and it always amazes me when i am supprised that he would do that. so anyways he decides that he wants to stay in the hotel, and i told him "no" because our son wont sleep anywhere but his crib. but it's like i'm not even talking and he insists. but i wont give in because i will not subject my son to this just so that my husband can party hardy all night long. well he decides that he will get a room anyways and as i'm leaving he calls my cell and tells my that he just got the most expensive room they have with a veiw. mind you, we dont make a lot of money, and we have another baby coming (and we dont have insurance). so i tell him that he better get our money back and ,of course, he refuses. now i'm home, and he's at the hotel enjoying it on his own. and since he's not answering the phone or door, i'm guessing he passed out hours ago. meen while he has spend hundreds of dollars, embarraseed the hell out of me in front of my family, and made me drive our son and myself all the way home by myself. i dont know how much longer i can take this, and i dont know if i can be a mother of two by myself. i love my husband (obviously-or i wouldnt be here still) and i dont want to leave but i think of what the rest of our lives are gonna be like, continuing like this. and our children. please write back with advice, i'm desperate.
Hi Kimmie and welcome
Are you new to alanon?
Alanon is a group for the family and friends of alcoholics.
I am married for 15 years and just got the courage to leave my husband last week.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and will get worse. It did with mine.
There is a chat board on here that is very helpful too. 2nd link from the top. tell them you are new.
face to face meetings help and so do the online ones here on this board.
I am very very thankful for the alanon program and the support I have gained and the self-knowledge that I have learned
Welcome
and keep coming back
Hi Kimmie and welcome.
Sounds like not only do you have an alcoholic hubby to deal with but your parents sound like they have a problem as well. Do you have any other family or friends to turn to for support? This program will help you get through each and every day, and each month and year. It's amazing the tools you can pick upfrom Alanon without even realizing you have them! You've found the right place coming here too. Keep coming back and posting when you can.
Bonnie
Hi Kimmie
First of all I want to tell you how brave and what a great step to take care of you and yours by leaving him there and going home. You must alway think of you first. I'm sure if you had stayed you would have been twice as miserable as you were going home alone. I know what it is like to be talked into putting yourself and you child out for him and believe me it sounds like you did what was best.
I can only tell you what I am doing for me, I don't have the family that drinks and my a is no longer allowed to drink at home after his DWI in Mar '04. What I have done is stripped him of any credit card, ATM cards extra. That way he can't get us further in debt, I give him a small allowance and he understand that I need the rest to pay the bills. I'm not the greatest with money myself but I'm better than he is. You could also think about getting him is own credit card with just his name attached if he won't relinquish his.
I have also started my own checking account which my paycheck goes into every week, I don't know if you work but if you don't maybe put some money in there a little at a time. It is very important to me to pay my bills and because of that I think I have kept my a around, don't get me wrong I do love him deep down but right now there is so much resentment I don't feel love. I am mostly confused about what to do so I do nothing. I have although smartened up and taken the credit cards away from me too. I want to get out of debt the best I can so me and my 2 kids can survive if my a every had to leave.
I don't want to be the person who is caught off guard and up to my eyeballs in debt. Don't get me wrong if he left today I would be $10,000 in debt with credit cards and 2 vehicles to figure out how to pay for. But I am slowly working on it. It is a daily battle with myself to figure out what do we really need to spend money on and what don't we need. I tend to think I need to spend money only to realize after I don't.
I understand you problems, I would also suggest that you look into your states insurance programs, we have Dr. Dynasaur for our kids now and the state insurance for ourselves. We have to pay $130/month for ours but when I was pregnant it was free insurance. The unborn baby counts toward the number of people in you family so give it a try the worst that can happen is you will be turned down.
I found for me, that priority number one seems to be financial security. I can't rely on him and even though I would have loved to stay home with my kids I am working because I don't want him to have that much power over me. I know what you are going through is so hard, and it seems like no end in sight. But start to make a plan now on what you need so that you can be more comfortable in your skin so to speak. I find that having my own checking account is giving me the confidence. I know still that without his paycheck we would be seriously hurting but I can see my check covering things I never thought possible.
Above all take care of you and yours, let him take care of him. You can do it with a little planning and a lot of support. Even if the support only comes from here.
Love Ya,
Keep Coming Back
Holly
(((Kimmie)))
Good for you, for doing what is best for you and your little guy.
It is hard enough dealing with an A, but doing it pregnant can be really stressful. I went through my last pregnancy basically alone, I had put my husband out because his antics where putting me and the baby in danger. It was not easy but I found out how strong I really am.
Make sure you make the time to really care for you. Take extra care to rest, and pamper yourself, for your good as well as the baby. Baby needs Mommy to be strong and healthy and so does your son.
From my own experience I drew on the love I had for my unborn child whenever I didn't think I could take anymore, it kept me going, that and the support of friends at home, work and here on this board.
Remember , your little guy depends on you, and that little darling you are carrying depends on you for his or her very life. Good luck with the pregnancy, come here often, try to get to f2f meetings if you can and are up to it, but most of all take care of yourself.
Love Jeannie