I heard at a face-to-face that I don't always have to make a decision. Maybe I am having such a hard time with sticking to the decision of kicking him out because it is not the right time. Maybe it's the wrong time, but the right thing to do or maybe it is the wrong decision at this point. I keep praying to my HP and asking him to open my heart to His Will. Do we ever know for sure what the right decision is? Hubby came home last night and acted as if nothing was wrong. I didn't bring up the subject with him this morning. I just got ready for work while he got the big kids off to school and the baby ready for the day. I worry that not bringing up the subject will lead him to believe that everything is fine. I am so confused. I want him there. DSS agreed that he could stay if he works a program. Let me amend that, I want him there...CLEAN. My mind is all over the place. I need to take the advice of another slogan "Keep your mind where your butt is." Right now my butt is at work, so let me focus. Thanks for listening.
melanieL said
May 11, 2005
hello, what I have always came to understand from f2f meetings is that if you are not sure what to do then do nothing. The answer will come when you are ready to make the right decision. Sounds to me like your doing fine anyway. I know it probably doesnt feel like that at the mo. Just put yourself and your children first and let him take care of himself.
AlaMom said
May 11, 2005
Hiya Powerless,
I to went through that yo-yo of do I or dont I leave my A husband. Wrestling w/ the decision of do I say anything to him about explosions. And many times do I love him enough to stay w/ him.
Each time I made a what I thought to be the right decision about leaving - something obstructed it. It took me a long time to realize that it was my HP putting obstacles in my way to keep me there. Although at the time I didnt recognize it. I went through many years of uncertainty and doubt. But through it all it was my HP telling me that until I changed "my" behaviors - any relationship I would get into would be the same. So I got busy - and worked on only me. I let go of control. I didnt need to tell my husband how bad he was or about the bad things he was doing. He already knew. And if he didnt - that was his problem.
Shortly after I got busy on me, I felt confident enough to make a decision to leave my husband and started to put the plan in process. Well a funny thing happened - my husband started taking notice that I wasnt on him and that I was living my life. And he saw the writing on the wall that I was going to be leaving him. He in turn got sober. It has been 7 mons. They havent been wine and roses - in fact they have at times been tougher to deal w/ but I wouldnt change it for the world.
Each day I thank my HP for keeping me where I needed to be - if for nothing else but to learn about myself. I dont know what tomorrow might bring for me and my husband - and I am not supposed to know. All I can do is live in today and turn it over each day. And with that I find serenity. I hope you can as well.
Karen
lost said
May 11, 2005
i understand where you are at completely. my husband and i have been going round and round for weeks. he does not want to seek help, i obviously can not force him to do so, but will not live with this anymore. i have two young children and just can't do it any longer. he has spent days acting as if everything is fine---and i feel just like you that he is expecting me to sweep it under the rug and i will not. my husband though, has been on an emotional rollercoaster--sad, begging, promising to work on it, in a rage, name calling, fighting with friends, etc..... actually what sets the rage off is me attending al anon meetings on monday nights. this week, he went into a rage and called me a c__t (not sure if i can write it on here)---but that was too far over the line with me--drunk or not, it was inexcusable. so, i have asked him to leave---he has not gone yet. I guess i think that you will know when you need to make a move. i have sat it out for 3 weeks, not sure what was the right decision. today, i know--he has to leave the house or i do. at least for a while. maybe then i can have the clarity to make the bigger decision about what happens to my marriage. pray, seek support from friends and family and al anon, and ultimately---listen to your gut..... your heart may be in it, but your head and your gut often speak more rationally than our hearts. good luck.
holly123 said
May 11, 2005
I can't believe how familar this topic is, I have been stuggling for 3 years through an affair and then the last year he has struggled with a DWI ending the affair and trying to get focus. I have been so angry with him and wanted him to leave so many times, I have told him to leave but he doesn't and I haven't exactly made it impossible for him to stay.
I now read all of your posts and find out that I'm not ready for that, I have struggled with whether or not I have been playing a fool. I know I can't afford right now to live on my own with 2 kids and he has done some small changes that have amounted to a lot. I know that he could slip back to his old ways and I do want him to get sober. We had a brief 6 month period where due to injury he was prevented from getting to the store, but once he could walk again the daily drinking started again, and I have been riding the roller coaster. I think I do better now but I think (like this little guy ) the light has come on, I don't need to decide, and I'm not going to. I finally am coming to grips that God will make it obvious to me, so obvious that I won't be able to have it any other way if my a needs to leave.
Thanks for all of you, and hang in there, you are not alone.
abbyal said
May 11, 2005
Hi Powerless, I have learned to pay attention to my body (physically ) when making life changing decissions. for instance if I have made a decission and I am calm , It is Gods will. If I make a decission and it keeps rolling around in my head and I get the gut ache back , I am now practicing self will and the decission is the wrong one for me.
I am probably trying to force a solution or teach someone a lesson. And when that is what is going on I am usually the one who gets the lesson. and I really do hate that ! Always examine your motives for doing things. talk it out with other program people getting a diff perspective of what is going on always helps me. Sometimes I am right on others I am a little off base and need another opinion of what is really going on.
Only u know what u can and cannot live with. and sometimes all we have to do is "nothing"
wallsal55 said
May 11, 2005
Yes, sometimes the rule of thumb is "when in doubt, don't". Also, it is important to arrive at a decision when you feel quite a degree of calmness, certainty, assuredness. I have heard some in f2f say it took them 3 years to make a decision. Decisons made in a hurry, in anger, rage, well----we are just not "sure".
Working program helps us reach that calm. Hope this helps.
Also, we need to weight the costs and benefits of a relationship. Are the costs outweighing the benefits? (abuse, neglect?) We deserve a decent life and alanon helps us seek that out.
I heard at a face-to-face that I don't always have to make a decision. Maybe I am having such a hard time with sticking to the decision of kicking him out because it is not the right time. Maybe it's the wrong time, but the right thing to do or maybe it is the wrong decision at this point. I keep praying to my HP and asking him to open my heart to His Will. Do we ever know for sure what the right decision is? Hubby came home last night and acted as if nothing was wrong. I didn't bring up the subject with him this morning. I just got ready for work while he got the big kids off to school and the baby ready for the day. I worry that not bringing up the subject will lead him to believe that everything is fine. I am so confused. I want him there. DSS agreed that he could stay if he works a program. Let me amend that, I want him there...CLEAN. My mind is all over the place. I need to take the advice of another slogan "Keep your mind where your butt is." Right now my butt is at work, so let me focus. Thanks for listening.
Hiya Powerless,
I to went through that yo-yo of do I or dont I leave my A husband. Wrestling w/ the decision of do I say anything to him about explosions. And many times do I love him enough to stay w/ him.
Each time I made a what I thought to be the right decision about leaving - something obstructed it. It took me a long time to realize that it was my HP putting obstacles in my way to keep me there. Although at the time I didnt recognize it. I went through many years of uncertainty and doubt. But through it all it was my HP telling me that until I changed "my" behaviors - any relationship I would get into would be the same. So I got busy - and worked on only me. I let go of control. I didnt need to tell my husband how bad he was or about the bad things he was doing. He already knew. And if he didnt - that was his problem.
Shortly after I got busy on me, I felt confident enough to make a decision to leave my husband and started to put the plan in process. Well a funny thing happened - my husband started taking notice that I wasnt on him and that I was living my life. And he saw the writing on the wall that I was going to be leaving him. He in turn got sober. It has been 7 mons. They havent been wine and roses - in fact they have at times been tougher to deal w/ but I wouldnt change it for the world.
Each day I thank my HP for keeping me where I needed to be - if for nothing else but to learn about myself. I dont know what tomorrow might bring for me and my husband - and I am not supposed to know. All I can do is live in today and turn it over each day. And with that I find serenity. I hope you can as well.
Karen
I can't believe how familar this topic is, I have been stuggling for 3 years through an affair and then the last year he has struggled with a DWI ending the affair and trying to get focus. I have been so angry with him and wanted him to leave so many times, I have told him to leave but he doesn't and I haven't exactly made it impossible for him to stay.
I now read all of your posts and find out that I'm not ready for that, I have struggled with whether or not I have been playing a fool. I know I can't afford right now to live on my own with 2 kids and he has done some small changes that have amounted to a lot. I know that he could slip back to his old ways and I do want him to get sober. We had a brief 6 month period where due to injury he was prevented from getting to the store, but once he could walk again the daily drinking started again, and I have been riding the roller coaster. I think I do better now but I think (like this little guy
) the light has come on, I don't need to decide, and I'm not going to. I finally am coming to grips that God will make it obvious to me, so obvious that I won't be able to have it any other way if my a needs to leave.
Thanks for all of you, and hang in there, you are not alone.
Hi Powerless, I have learned to pay attention to my body (physically ) when making life changing decissions. for instance if I have made a decission and I am calm , It is Gods will. If I make a decission and it keeps rolling around in my head and I get the gut ache back , I am now practicing self will and the decission is the wrong one for me.
I am probably trying to force a solution or teach someone a lesson. And when that is what is going on I am usually the one who gets the lesson. and I really do hate that ! Always examine your motives for doing things. talk it out with other program people getting a diff perspective of what is going on always helps me. Sometimes I am right on others I am a little off base and need another opinion of what is really going on.
Only u know what u can and cannot live with. and sometimes all we have to do is "nothing"
Yes, sometimes the rule of thumb is "when in doubt, don't". Also, it is important to arrive at a decision when you feel quite a degree of calmness, certainty, assuredness. I have heard some in f2f say it took them 3 years to make a decision. Decisons made in a hurry, in anger, rage, well----we are just not "sure".
Working program helps us reach that calm. Hope this helps.
Also, we need to weight the costs and benefits of a relationship. Are the costs outweighing the benefits? (abuse, neglect?) We deserve a decent life and alanon helps us seek that out.