Hold onto the rope? Or let go? What's your choice?
gardengal said
May 10, 2005
Alcoholics act and family and friends "react". Most of us dont realize we have a choice! It's as if we were holding one end of a rope and and alcoholic grapped the other end and started to tug. Most of us would react automatically. We would tug back. It never occurs to us that we dont have to play.If we knew we had options, we might choose to drop the rope. There is no tug-of-war unless both players hang onto their ends.By taking note of what we do in reaction to alcoholics behaviour, we can begin to see the choices we are already unconsciously making. Further examination, discussions with other alanon members and the use of slogans and steps, can help us discover options we never knew we had. Perhaps we will even decide to "drop the rope."
For example some A's feel guilty about their need to drink and find it much easier to blame the drinking on someone else. Such alcoholics often provoke those around them , trying to start an argument or create a crisis. We who live with or work with an A tend to react to this provocation and arguing back,,defending ourselves against unjust accusations,,making accusations of our own. In the end, the A gets exactly what he or she was looking for: an excuse to drink. Perhaps the A provokes by accusing us of being lazy,,and we react by playing the martyr and listing all the things we do for him or her. In response the A resents our self-righteous attitude and we feel unappreciated and sorry for ourselves.The discussion quickly escalates into an arguement and it almost always ends the same way------with the A storming out the door to escape to the nearest bar.
For instance the next time we are accused of something, we might decide NOT to react. Perhaps we may keep quiet,or simply change the subject, or leave the room and busy ourselves with some task. So let go of the rope,,,and "choose" not to play this game of tug of war, and that is done by choices, choices that we all have.
I hope this helps some of you to remember you have choices,,this program is about YOU, taking care of yourselves,one day at a time!
gardengal
AlaMom said
May 10, 2005
Hiya GG,
What a great analogy. For so many years that is what it felt like with the A's in my life. What a great gift to know that I dont have to pull on that rope any longer. The ability to have my life be my own without reacting to situations and people around me is such a sense of freedom.
The only way for me to live life for me now is to let go and let my HP take care of things. All I have to do is let him and only do the legwork.
Thanx for the great reminder.
Karen
megan said
May 10, 2005
Agreed gardengal.
Alanon is teaching me not to "react"
in fact today i was trying to think when was the last time I actually argued back with my A husband and I could not.
I have learned that it is pointless.
As effective as talking to a rock.
I walked away as much as I could from the arguments and the name calling
I got busy.
Powerless said
May 10, 2005
I want to let go of that darn rope!! You gave a great analogy and it really got me to thinking about not only our present sintuation, nut myself in general. I always feel the need to defend myself and my actions...to anyone. I need to start feeling comfortable with myself, my decisions and actions. I have to live with myself and my decisions, not anyone else. This will be my thought for the day. "Let go of the rope"
Lanchas said
May 10, 2005
Great replies everyone that had posted, I think. These posts give me things to think about so thanks all.
Lanchas
Christy said
May 10, 2005
That is a great analogy , GG.
To take it one step further... When we step back and don't play the tug of war game, in essence, the A is left alone to look at themselves and sometimes will hit bottom. When we let go of that rope the A tugging on the other end may fall on their butt.
nmike said
May 11, 2005
Thanks for the analogy. I substitute "drinking" for "behavior" for my recovering husband. And I do need to not react to my husband and his sometimes insanity. I honestly think that he does not understand the impact of what he does on other people. I need to look at my choices.
Alcoholics act and family and friends "react". Most of us dont realize we have a choice! It's as if we were holding one end of a rope and and alcoholic grapped the other end and started to tug. Most of us would react automatically. We would tug back. It never occurs to us that we dont have to play.If we knew we had options, we might choose to drop the rope. There is no tug-of-war unless both players hang onto their ends.By taking note of what we do in reaction to alcoholics behaviour, we can begin to see the choices we are already unconsciously making. Further examination, discussions with other alanon members and the use of slogans and steps, can help us discover options we never knew we had. Perhaps we will even decide to "drop the rope."
For example some A's feel guilty about their need to drink and find it much easier to blame the drinking on someone else. Such alcoholics often provoke those around them , trying to start an argument or create a crisis. We who live with or work with an A tend to react to this provocation and arguing back,,defending ourselves against unjust accusations,,making accusations of our own. In the end, the A gets exactly what he or she was looking for: an excuse to drink. Perhaps the A provokes by accusing us of being lazy,,and we react by playing the martyr and listing all the things we do for him or her. In response the A resents our self-righteous attitude and we feel unappreciated and sorry for ourselves.The discussion quickly escalates into an arguement and it almost always ends the same way------with the A storming out the door to escape to the nearest bar.
For instance the next time we are accused of something, we might decide NOT to react. Perhaps we may keep quiet,or simply change the subject, or leave the room and busy ourselves with some task. So let go of the rope,,,and "choose" not to play this game of tug of war, and that is done by choices, choices that we all have.
I hope this helps some of you to remember you have choices,,this program is about YOU, taking care of yourselves,one day at a time!
gardengal
Hiya GG,
What a great analogy. For so many years that is what it felt like with the A's in my life. What a great gift to know that I dont have to pull on that rope any longer. The ability to have my life be my own without reacting to situations and people around me is such a sense of freedom.
The only way for me to live life for me now is to let go and let my HP take care of things. All I have to do is let him and only do the legwork.
Thanx for the great reminder.
Karen
Agreed gardengal.
Alanon is teaching me not to "react"
in fact today i was trying to think when was the last time I actually argued back with my A husband and I could not.
I have learned that it is pointless.
As effective as talking to a rock.
I walked away as much as I could from the arguments and the name calling
I got busy.
Great replies everyone that had posted, I think. These posts give me things to think about so thanks all.
Lanchas
That is a great analogy , GG.
To take it one step further... When we step back and don't play the tug of war game, in essence, the A is left alone to look at themselves and sometimes will hit bottom. When we let go of that rope the A tugging on the other end may fall on their butt.
Thanks for the analogy. I substitute "drinking" for "behavior" for my recovering husband. And I do need to not react to my husband and his sometimes insanity. I honestly think that he does not understand the impact of what he does on other people. I need to look at my choices.
Nancy