My husband and i have been going round and round for a few weeks.  i had decided that i was done living with alcoholism.  i felt i needed to share that with him---even knowing that only he can decide to make that change.  in the last three weeks he has yelled, screamed, told me to divorce, said very hurtful things, cried, apologized and opened up to me.  As i am assuming is typical, none of those things have been consistent, it goes from one to another, high and low and is wearing me down and out.  so, where i am at now and why i need your thoughts---- my husband has cut down on his alcohol intake and is at this moment being a more present father and husband.  do i really care about a few beers at the end of the day? no--it is the pattern of behavior that i fear will return, this is why i am adament about the need to work towards sobriety (easier said than done, i know).  he is adament that he will never be sober, always be the guy who needs a few drinks at the end of the day, if we could just move on past this it would all be fine---- what he is right now is working, however i know the pattern, and know it is a false hope and it won't last.  i see him blaming me, making me feel guilty, trying to push me to be the one to make a final call---stop drinking or move out.  i have said this several times, he has yet to go.  he keeps returning, starting each new day as if nothing has happened---i can't seem to forget--i have finally taken a stand on this and don't want to budge, but he is making me feel like if we are over it is because i decided what he is doing isn't good enough--not because of him.  Please help me---those of you that know the pattern--or have been there, please tell me what you think.  i am struggling here!

Lost,

It is the disease of alcoholism which is cunning. My husband says the same types of things even though he is sober. He says he is not going to change, etc. The best call is to take care of yourself. Go to face to face Alanon meetings. Read as much as you can about alcoholism. Focus on yourself. Try the 12 steps. Try not to take on the blame because you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. We are truly powerless.

In support,

Nancy

 

Hi Lost!  Yes, it's a cunning, baffling and powerful disease!  I was caught up in those same games, manipulations, bargaining, denial, rage, and all the rest of it--and oh, the many many threats to leave, or make "him" leave!  We wore each other down, and seriously afflicted the lives of three beautiful and intelligent children, before I was able to admit that I needed help and that it didn't make ME bad!  I needed help!  The resistance was strong because I was so attached to the blaming and making him wrong routine, I couldn't face the pain I was in, or my part in the continual merry-go-round of denial (as it's so well described!)--but by some luck or grace, or simply that I was so worn down, I did finally start taking better care of myself by opening to the ideas and principles of the 12-step programs, meetings, literature, support from others on the same journey, and finally, some realisations of my own worth!  It was a huge leap in trust, but I'm so glad I did it!

It's a process, but it can start right away!  The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step!  It's a good feeling when you learn how to start taking care of you.

You'll never be able to change him (only he can) but you CAN do something for yourself.

Good luck!

~seachange

good morning Lost,

I have been in your place too many times to count, not wanting to live with alcoholism anymore but not being able to find the courage to leave.  Whether or not I ever do remains to be seen, but since finding Al-anon once again I am finally able to feel better myself and start doing things just for me.  We don't discuss his drinking anymore, but I don't hide it anymore either.  I still go through all the emotions, anger especially, but they are lessening in intensity, which is a good thing.  Good luck to you

Bonnie

Hi Lost - Your post brings back lots of memories. I too threatened to leave - did leave many times but always came back because he said things would be different - and I believed him - because I wanted to. After I came to Al-Anon I stopped leaving and makin threats. I started taking care of myself - learned all I could about the cunning, baffling and powerful disease of alcoholism - and how it effects us. It made me crazier than him.m I also went to open AA meetings. It took me 5 years in Al-Anon to finally decide I didn't want to live that way anymore. Get to lots of meetings, get a sponsor and start working the 12 Steps for yourself. In time you'll know what is the best thing for you. Give the program a chance before you make a life changing decision. Keep coming back and feel free to e-mail me at Dot48730@webtv.net. Love and hugs - Dot

((((Lost))))

I too have been in this place many many times.  It has taken alot of understanding and pacience on my part.  Some days are harder than others but like the other posts Alanon has helpped alot!!! Along with the support and understanding from the others that can totally relate to what I am feeling and going through!! Just knowing that there are others that have gone through or are going through the same thing does help me. 

I had to accept that my husband does not have the problem with alcohol that I do... Meaning that he does not see it as a problem and I addmitting that I am the one with the problem was a start. This was so ridiculas to me at first but in time did make sence. Now I day what I mean and mean what I say!!  No threats no pleading and begging or barganing I learned that none of that works. I read alot of the daily readers I have 5 now and go to alanon meetings and AA open meetings. I have met a fellow in AA that gives me advice and it helps to here what he has to say being on the other side of the spectrum. It isn't easy by any means but it helps.

I wish you the best.  Keep comming back.

JJ

wow this is my life

You and I are in a very similar place, I find it very hard to live with the alcholism, not the man, the disease, only its hard to seperate them, it is hard to tell you what to do but I can only tell you what I know to be and what I have been told.  Before I say it, trust me I know that knowing it and doing it are 2 different things.  I have been told not to predict the future because it hasn't been written yet.  Live for today and take care of you.

Now I know this because I have been told this a 1000 times as I vent about my active A.  I want him to be sober, I carry a lot of anger when he is drunk.  I can't stand him, but I for the moment think my hp keeps telling me to stay, my a and myself are a work in progress.

Hang in there, and take care of you.

Love Ya

Holly

Dear lost,

First of all you're not "lost" - you're at the Carnival of Alcoholism...you are on what AL-Anon so whimisically calls the "Merry-Go-Round". I was on it until I was 54...took me 3 years of AL-Anon to realize I didn't need permission to make a decision for myself....LOL. I can laugh now...but, I wasn't laughing then.  A must for those still riding the circle of Alcoholism is "The Merry-Go-Round" - a pamphlet you can pick up at a meeting room.  Read it over and over until you get it....I mean really get it.  If your drunk began his drinking at 15...he's still 15 emotionally...and, you my dearest have grown passed him...your children will not.  No drunk likes to be married to his mother...and, that's what you have become.

The disease of Alcoholism destroys our precious innocence as it did that of your husband. Each day that passes, your children will loose a little too. Think of them.

With love, Lani Picard
http://lanipicard.com/mime.htm

 Alcohol's Promise:
I am more powerful than all the combined armies of the world.
I have destroyed more people than all the wars of the nations.
I have caused millions of accidents and wrecked more homes than all the floods, tornadoes and hurricanes put together.
I am the world's slickest thief, I steal billions of dollars each year.
I find my victims among the rich and poor alike, the young, the strong and the weak.
I loom up to such proportions that I cast a shadow over a field of labor.
I am relentless, insidious and unpredictable.
I am everywhere; in the home, on the street, in the factory, in the office, on land and in the air.
I bring sickness, poverty and even death.
I give nothing and take all. 
I am your worst enemy.
I am alcohol. 
I am patient and I am waiting.
~Anonymous~ 

Hi Lost , glad u posted here, games we all play em .  Threats never work ultimatums don't work, tears don't work. trying to make them feel guilty dosent work. I am sure like most of us u have tried them all by now.  Being able to drink socially is an A dream , ain't gonna happen. It's all or nothing.  You don't say if you are going to Al-Anon meetings f2f or not . I hope u are or at least thinking about going. This board is great, and the chat room too but nthing compares to the support u will find in real meetings with real people who understand what your going thru.

You cannot do this alone and you don't have too , once settled in al anon u never are alone again  good stuff bad stuff always someone to share it with .  Absolutiley nothing will change until someone changes. Your the one looking for help so that has to be you , we cannot chnge other people.but there is alot we can do for ourselves. Until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change.  please try meetings for your sake and to me it is the best way to support our husb should they ever find sobriety-or not.

Working this prog for me allowed me to stay in marriage and get happy regardless of what  he is doing. I did not want to leave and fortuatley am still here.  husb is 16 yrs sober me al anon for 19 yrs. i'ts not perfect but it is 300 per cent better than it was.  Our prog dosent promise to save marriages but it does promise to return some sanity to my life. It dosnt matter how much your husb drinks , what matters is what it does to you when he does and al anon will helpu will that . good luck  Louise

Hi Lost,

We have all been in the same boat as you many many times.  What I have learned so far is to say what you mean, he learns from your actions, not your words.  It is pointless to say you are going to leave an then not go, much better to not saying anything at all .  We all know he is unable to keep his promises, its not that he doesnt want to or doesnt intend to, just that he is unable to because of this awful disease.  Whether you go or stay thats your choice to make, only you know your position and how you will feel.  But dont expect him to change without help, look to yourself, take care of yourself and your children and leave him to him. You are not responsible for his actions , you didnt cause it, cant cure it and cant control it.

take care

It really does come down to what you want.  Do you want your marriage to be over?  Are you able to accept his alcoholism and live with it?  Can you find serenity and peace of mind with the help of this program knowing he intends to continue drinking?  These are just some of the things you need to consider.  I think all of us have been in the indecisive mode you are in right now.  Sick to death of the way things are, but not truley wanting to end the marriage/relationship.  We have to remember, we can't change them.  So if we are choosing to stay based ONLY on the hope of them stopping, we are only fooling ourselves.  If we choose to stay, expecting them to continue as they are and more thank likely get worse (this is a progressive disease), then we have to decide if we can accept that and live with it.  Can we find a way to be happy?  Can we detach from their disease without completley detaching from them?  Can we take the focus off them and what they are or aren't doing and keep the focus on us where it belongs?.  I love the saying.......Some are strong enough to stay and others are strong enough to leave.  There is no right or wrong here.  Everyones situation is different and we all have to make that choice based on what we believe is best for us.  Pray and ask God to guide you in the direction you need to be heading.  I have found when I do that, the doors open widely in the direction I need to go in.  Everything falls into place so easily and I have a total peace about my decision.  I can tell that's when Gods got his hand in it.  You don't have to make this decision today.  Matter of fact, I don't know how long you've been in the program but it's recommended that you don't make any major life changing decisions in the first 6 months of working on you recovery.  Do you have a sponsor?  If I can help at all please feel free to email me privately  kathysctc@yahoo.com