Hello all, Just a little about myself and my life with my alcoholic. We have 4 children ages 21 to 5. We have been together for 24 years and next May will celebrate our 20th Anniversary. I don't want to offend anyone, just trying to regain MY LIFE. My life right now is depressed, angry, hurting etc, etc, etc. All the feelings and emotions that come along with alcoholism. I consider myself a strong person who has learned so much in my life. I have had the good right along with the bad. I thank God for every little step we haved walked together and all the ones in which I have been carried. I Love my husband with all my heart, but at this point in my life I am struggling with divorce and a Life without alcoholism. The last arguement we had about his lifestyle, I pushed him. Not something I have ever done before. He told me the hate in my eyes was aweful. It wasn't hate, just anger. Years of anger towards the alcoholism, coming out in the wrong way. Boy, what a wake up call for me. Why should I let that anger for his disease control my life. And hurt the children. I'm at a low spot in my life trying to regain control. I know I will and that I can. One day at a time. Any suggestions on the anger and hurt issues would be greatly appreciated. Thanks to all for the encouraging messages, that I will read on this forum in the next few days.
Jeannie said
May 6, 2005
Hi and welcome,
I know how you feel, as much as I love my husband, I too have been struggling with the idea of divorce and getting off this merri-go-round once and for all.
I wish I could be more help on the hurt and anger issue. I have been in Alanon for quite a while now, and while I know the changes I have made and the strength I have found in myself are progress. The hurt and anger still lingers. I know I get angry that this is what my life has come to, angry over having to struggle and do everything myself because he will not stop drinking long enough to be a husnband and a father. Mostly I get angry because I cannot understand how alcohol can be so strong, how my husband is willing to give up his wife and six children rather than stop drinking. I have learned most of the time to stop trying to understand this disease and just accept it. But being the type of person who needs to figure things out, I often find myself trying to do just that, and there are no answers.
The hurt, well that is to be expected. While we know we did not casue it, can't control or cure it, and we know it is a disease and maybe the horrible things they do are not them doing it but the disease. We are only human and the hurt is very real. I know if I don't expect anything, I do not get hurt or disapointed as often.
Keep coming here. We have all been effected by alcoholism and we know how you feel. Alanon can help you feel better and stronger, no matter what he does.
Read all you can on Alcoholism and try and get to face to face meetings in your area. They will make you feel better and offer you support. Most of all remember that you are worth it, you are important and you do deserve to be happy.
Love Jeannie
seachange said
May 6, 2005
Hi Momdiel! You are in a good place, to be here on this forum. You'll meet people whov'e been where you are and then some! And have come through much with the help of the Al-Aonon ideas and support. I hope you get some help for yourself right away. Like you, I thought I would leave it all behind when I finally divorced my alcoholic husband, but four years later, and involved in another dysfunctional relationship, I finally realised that I was the one who needed help! It's that "hitting bottom" thing you hear about, and is just as important for folks involved with alcoholics as it is for the A's themselves, but we can never MAKE anyone else see that. We have to get to the place where we see it for ourselves.
I wish you well! It's the beginning of a long and, yes, exciting adventure--finding yourself--but it begins with the first step, and the first step, for many of us, is taken in deep pain!
It DOES GET BETTER!
love and good wishes,
seachange
wallsal55 said
May 6, 2005
Hi, and welcome! I, too, have raised four children, and everything looked like divorce when we were married 24 yrs. I found this board, and in time, got myself to face to face alanon meetings in my area. (Two a week, for me, my life was unmanageable, and my pain was great). I have been in Alanon for over 2 yrs. now, and on this board even longer. I feel my life is more manageable, my pain and anger has lessened a great deal.
Keep coming Back. Try to learn as much as you can about the disease and YOURSELF through alanon.
abbyal said
May 6, 2005
HI , you don't say if u are going to meetings for yourself , if not I hope u will make the effort soon. Anger is normal for us who live with and love and alcoholic. Al-Anon meetings a good sponsor will help u sort thru the anger and get control of your life again.
Frustration , fear and anxiety can reak havock on our lives . There is nothing you can do about his drinking but alot you can do for yourself and your children. Our children deserve one sane parent. And since your the only one looking for help that responsibilty falls on you.
Perhaps a councelor will help also if u have access to one, Al-Anon and a good councelor work wonders. they work well together. Be good to yourself , get help for you. good luck Louise
jamesinasheville said
May 9, 2005
I too am at this crossroads in marraige where I have to consider that which i never wanted. Divorce from the one I love. I see my child of 4 suffering and it pains me more than any other consequence of my wifes drinking. The resolve to decide which way to go does not come easily, and either way someone will feel hurt. In order to think rationally on such an important matter requires removing emotions from the decision. I have found that, almost, impossible to do. I love my wife and I always will, but in trying to put what's best for my child, I can't honestly say that it would be better for her to have a "good" mother 50% of the time, versus no mother at all, but to actually take action to change things is a darn hard thing to do. Even deciding what is the right or best thing to do is not easy, but ultimately can only be decided by you in your situation and by me in mine. If ever the guidance of a higher power was needed, than a decision such as this..... Let us both turn to our HP for the strength and resolve to improve our lives.
Hi and welcome,
I know how you feel, as much as I love my husband, I too have been struggling with the idea of divorce and getting off this merri-go-round once and for all.
I wish I could be more help on the hurt and anger issue. I have been in Alanon for quite a while now, and while I know the changes I have made and the strength I have found in myself are progress. The hurt and anger still lingers. I know I get angry that this is what my life has come to, angry over having to struggle and do everything myself because he will not stop drinking long enough to be a husnband and a father. Mostly I get angry because I cannot understand how alcohol can be so strong, how my husband is willing to give up his wife and six children rather than stop drinking. I have learned most of the time to stop trying to understand this disease and just accept it. But being the type of person who needs to figure things out, I often find myself trying to do just that, and there are no answers.
The hurt, well that is to be expected. While we know we did not casue it, can't control or cure it, and we know it is a disease and maybe the horrible things they do are not them doing it but the disease. We are only human and the hurt is very real. I know if I don't expect anything, I do not get hurt or disapointed as often.
Keep coming here. We have all been effected by alcoholism and we know how you feel. Alanon can help you feel better and stronger, no matter what he does.
Read all you can on Alcoholism and try and get to face to face meetings in your area. They will make you feel better and offer you support. Most of all remember that you are worth it, you are important and you do deserve to be happy.
Love Jeannie
Hi Momdiel! You are in a good place, to be here on this forum. You'll meet people whov'e been where you are and then some! And have come through much with the help of the Al-Aonon ideas and support. I hope you get some help for yourself right away. Like you, I thought I would leave it all behind when I finally divorced my alcoholic husband, but four years later, and involved in another dysfunctional relationship, I finally realised that I was the one who needed help! It's that "hitting bottom" thing you hear about, and is just as important for folks involved with alcoholics as it is for the A's themselves, but we can never MAKE anyone else see that. We have to get to the place where we see it for ourselves.
I wish you well! It's the beginning of a long and, yes, exciting adventure--finding yourself--but it begins with the first step, and the first step, for many of us, is taken in deep pain!
It DOES GET BETTER!
love and good wishes,
seachange
Hi, and welcome! I, too, have raised four children, and everything looked like divorce when we were married 24 yrs. I found this board, and in time, got myself to face to face alanon meetings in my area. (Two a week, for me, my life was unmanageable, and my pain was great). I have been in Alanon for over 2 yrs. now, and on this board even longer. I feel my life is more manageable, my pain and anger has lessened a great deal.
Keep coming Back.
Try to learn as much as you can about the disease and YOURSELF through alanon.
HI , you don't say if u are going to meetings for yourself , if not I hope u will make the effort soon. Anger is normal for us who live with and love and alcoholic. Al-Anon meetings a good sponsor will help u sort thru the anger and get control of your life again.
Frustration , fear and anxiety can reak havock on our lives . There is nothing you can do about his drinking but alot you can do for yourself and your children. Our children deserve one sane parent. And since your the only one looking for help that responsibilty falls on you.
Perhaps a councelor will help also if u have access to one, Al-Anon and a good councelor work wonders. they work well together. Be good to yourself , get help for you. good luck Louise
I too am at this crossroads in marraige where I have to consider that which i never wanted. Divorce from the one I love. I see my child of 4 suffering and it pains me more than any other consequence of my wifes drinking. The resolve to decide which way to go does not come easily, and either way someone will feel hurt. In order to think rationally on such an important matter requires removing emotions from the decision. I have found that, almost, impossible to do. I love my wife and I always will, but in trying to put what's best for my child, I can't honestly say that it would be better for her to have a "good" mother 50% of the time, versus no mother at all, but to actually take action to change things is a darn hard thing to do. Even deciding what is the right or best thing to do is not easy, but ultimately can only be decided by you in your situation and by me in mine. If ever the guidance of a higher power was needed, than a decision such as this..... Let us both turn to our HP for the strength and resolve to improve our lives.
Your not alone, james