Good Morning to all of my precious friends,

This has been such a difficult, and painful week for me.  After four and a half years of Al-Anon, I am learning more about my self and my past.  I realize that there is still so much denial from my childhood, and that I have repressed it for too many years now.  I am not at the stage where I can share my early childhood.

I found out the truth, when I  spoke to my sponsor one day, and she led me to a place, where I will be able to have weekly therapy for a time.  I urge each one of you, to make sure that you find a sponsor that you can relate to, and feel safe with.  I still have a lot of issue with trust, and that is why, I have decided to go through a therapy.  With the help of Al-Anon, the therapy, and this message board, I will find the peace that I have been seeking for a long long time.

I sponsor three people, and I can be very helpful because I can feel their pain, yet most of my life I have been numbing my own pain.

I went on Monday to meet someone concering therapy, which was referred to me by my sponsor, because I could not see that I had, and still am suffering.  When I arrived, I said to the person that I thought that I should not be there, and that many people suffered in their childhood more than I had.  Usually, it take two weeks before people are accepted.  The person called me a day later, and I will be starting next Tuesday.

When I came home from the meeting on Monday, I was physically sick, I felt cold, and very hungry.  I think that the time has come to settle my past.   I know that I am going on, and on, probably my message is very mixed up. I have not told anyone yet, about my therapy, though I do want to share this with my friends on the message board. Thank you for listening to me, I hope this post, may help someone else to find their answers.

Luv & Hugs

Hi Teddybear!  (love your name, by the way, and wish I had had one--a teddy bear--as a child. It might have helped!).

Yes, I can relate very well to your frustration over how much work needs to be done to recover from massive dysfunction growing up!  I always heard people say, in the recovery circles, that your problems didn't appear overnight, and recovering from them isn't going to be that fast either.  Still, though, changes do happen, and over time, it's quite astonishing how far you've actually come!  I'm working on a Step Four inventory at present, and if I am truly honest, I can see that I am in a MUCH better place in many ways than where I was at a few years ago. A little at a time, mostly almost imperceptible changes, but it moves you to another place in the galaxy!  I always liked that analogy--that the slightest change in course can put you lightyears away from your original trajectory!

Here's a couple of aviation quotes that help me a lot.

"You only have to be one foot above the turbulence to be clearing it!"

The other is, "a pilot gets to his destination by being off-course most of the time, but being willing to make many small adjustments".

Good luck and hang in there,

seachange

Hi Seachange....thank you so much for your caring post. You really validate me, and because of you, I will continue to stay on this message board.  Sometimes, it takes only one....response to a post to feel cared about.  I am going through such a painful, and soul searching time right now, and you have welcomed me, and given me a safe place to fall.  I really needed to hear your words, because they are very comforting to me.  I feel like you really do care.  God (HP) does put people on our paths who are like angels.  Thank you for being my angel, and for caring!!

P.S. I had a teddybear, and it ended up being a source of mistrust and pain for me, because my mother had thrown it away, when I was only six.  Today, I have many many teddybears, and I have put closure.  Maybe today, it could be comforting to get a teddybear, and just hug it, and let yourself feel, the child who is still in you, and each of us.