This is my first time here; I'm very new to all of this. I'm trying to understand what just happened to me. I've been in a long-distance relationship for almost a year and a half. We saw each other as often as possible, and things were spectacular. We were to be married, blend our families, move in together next year. Last week he called me and out of the blue ended our relationship. He said he realized he was an alcoholic. I knew he liked to have a beer now and then, but of course not living in the same city I couldn't see his day-to-day habits. I knew he was very stressed and very down due to a family member's medical condition, but I had no idea that drinking was a problem. He just ended our relationship. He cut me out of his life, his children out of his life, and was going to cut out other family members and friends. He said he despised himself, for who he had become, and for not telling the truth as to the extent of what he was doing. He hid it very well. He said he loved me, but that wasn't enough. He said that he couldn't truly love me if he didn't love himself.
I have gone from, as far as I knew, and absolutely brilliant, wonderful, loving relationship, to having been cut off at the knees a mere 12 hours later. It's over, and there's nothing I can do. My heart is shattered. I can't help but have guilt at the fact that I didn't know, didn't sense there was a bigger problem.
I spoke to him a few days later, and he is numb. He isn't the same man that I have known all this time. That man wouldn't have done this to me. This problem with alcohol obviously goes back alot further than the past month (I'm still trying to learn about this disease), but the changes that occured in him, only occured in the past month, as far as I can see. He started drinking heavily, and hiding it, about a month ago. I know this because I spent 5 weeks with him previous to that, so there was no hiding anything.
His father is an alcoholic, the problem is in his family, but he was always so aware of this, and always spoke of how he knew he could fall victim and would not end up like his father, that I never thought this could happen. He despises his father for what he did to their family, and now he's doing the same thing. I guess this is a typical pattern?
The man I had planned my future with has cut me out of his life, abruptly, with no warning, and I don't know what to do. I know he has to fix himself, and he's started going to AA and co-dependency groups, but what do I do? Why did this happen? I don't know enough about alcoholic behaviours to even begin to make sense of this. My whole life, my whole future changed in one fell swoop, and I had no say in it. He needs to fix himself, and find himself, but for me to do the same I need some answers, from him, and he doesn't have them. He's got nothing right now. Can anybody help me to understand what has happened?
Thank you.
Diva said
May 5, 2005
Oh dear one, my heart breaks for you. I relate so well to your circumstances. I discovered I had married an alcoholic three years AFTER I married him. He had been sober 20 years and did not see the need to tell me about his problem. Like you, we lived in separate cities (in different countries) so I did not witness his day-to-day activities. But he was sober so I would not have known anyway.
I have no words of wisdom for you. Perhaps finding an AlAnon group and attending meetings will help you put this whole sad business into perspective. Time will heal your broken heart, but you'll never be the same. This is a grieving process, and you must allow yourself the time to grieve, which will eventually lead to healing.
Peace be with you. You are in my heart and my prayers. Diva
Maria123 said
May 5, 2005
Welcome Brat,
Big hugs for you and the devastating pain you are experiencing. You are not alone.
Get to an Al Anon meeting as soon as possible. Tell them you are a newcomer. Call 1-888-AL-ANON for meeting locations in your area.
In the meantime, please join us in open chat open 24/7 and meetings. The meetings are 9AM weekdays, 9PM weeknights. Weekend schedule SAT and SUN am are at 10 AM, Meeting SUN 7PM, Eastern Standard Time.
You took a big step by posting. That took great courage. I can promise you that if you keep an open mind, listen and learn and keep coming, you will find serenity even if it escapes you now.
Maria123
Jeannie said
May 5, 2005
(((Brat)))
It sounds like you are both very confused right now. If he has decided to admitt he is an alcoholic and seek help, he probably also realizes that it is something he needs to do alone.
It is a family disease and having grown up around it he has been affected as a child of an alcoholic as well.
None of this is your fault, and if you don't know what the signs are you could not have known what to look for. Many people who do know are in denial and will not see it.
In one aspect he is right. If a person doesn't know how to love themselves, they can not truly give love to someone else.
The answers you need are not in him but in you. Helping yourself has everything to do woth you and nothing to do with him. You are in the right place, Alanon teaches up how to deal with the effects of alcoholism no matter what the alcoholic does. It teaches us to be strong and healthy and to love ourselves.
An alcoholic in early recovery is usually confused and angry and they need to focus on themselves. It is a very selfish disease and they usualy will not see what they are doing to the people who love them.
If you can try and get to some face to face meetings near your home. Keep coming here to vent , read and learn, and read some of the Alanon literature. he more you learn the stronger you will be.
I know it is hard but try and give him some time to find himself and figure out how to live sober.
Hang in there, don't feel guilty and be gentle with yourself.
Love Jeannie
sanddie said
May 5, 2005
Huggggsss Brat--- I'll just say one thing that I've learned from a similar experience of someone I love dearly no longer talking with me and keeping distant abruptly. I've learned that he LOVES me and that love will never leave me AND I've learned I love him as well. What I learned MOST from this separation though as crazy as it might seem is that WE BOTH love eachother enough to be honest about what our individual needs are and recognize that WE BOTH would hurt eachother because of those extreme differences. ESPECIALLY, when alcohol is involved. Knowing that he has these emotions enough to share with me the pain he feel and being concerned for how it might affect me shows me more love than I have ever known in my entire life.... Oh, I miss him tremendously and find myself in tears thinking about him at times, but also know he loved me enough not to hurt me over and over and over again with promises and a life he didn't feel he could live up to with me. It is when two people don't accept that of eachother that people often end up hating eachother-- there feeling of love turns to anger and even hate if prolonged.....
Keep this in mind, If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be-- If it doesn't, then it was never yours to begin with AND then give your hurt to God to obtain internal peace.
Take Care! :)))
De Anna said
May 6, 2005
He's honest with you. He's admitted it!! He's going for help. Those are some VERY BIG STEPS TO TAKE. Give him credit for that alone!! There are many out there who can't do what he's done. Anyway, I know this doesn't ease your pain, or answer your questions. Try to think of him having some rare disease that he has to go away for, and the outcome is not known, but necessary for him to live. Again, this doesn't help you much, I know. I am sorry. The only answers I can give you are for you to go to face to face meetings of al anon. There you will find support, love, guidance with the 12 steps.
Mark S said
May 6, 2005
Brat,
You may have very well answered your own questions, may not like the answers but you seem to know the answers. In a nut shell he seems to feel the need to put the need to work out his issues ahead of your relationship. Even though it hurts right now I commend him for not dragging you into the pain of living with an active alcoholic. Give him time and space to feel good about himself. The white picket fence dream may not be dead, maybe just refined. In the mean time you can help your self by attending some f2f meetings, I'm pretty sure you won't regret it.
Hang in there
Mark S
This is my first time here; I'm very new to all of this. I'm trying to understand what just happened to me. I've been in a long-distance relationship for almost a year and a half. We saw each other as often as possible, and things were spectacular. We were to be married, blend our families, move in together next year. Last week he called me and out of the blue ended our relationship. He said he realized he was an alcoholic. I knew he liked to have a beer now and then, but of course not living in the same city I couldn't see his day-to-day habits. I knew he was very stressed and very down due to a family member's medical condition, but I had no idea that drinking was a problem. He just ended our relationship. He cut me out of his life, his children out of his life, and was going to cut out other family members and friends. He said he despised himself, for who he had become, and for not telling the truth as to the extent of what he was doing. He hid it very well. He said he loved me, but that wasn't enough. He said that he couldn't truly love me if he didn't love himself.
I have gone from, as far as I knew, and absolutely brilliant, wonderful, loving relationship, to having been cut off at the knees a mere 12 hours later. It's over, and there's nothing I can do. My heart is shattered. I can't help but have guilt at the fact that I didn't know, didn't sense there was a bigger problem.
I spoke to him a few days later, and he is numb. He isn't the same man that I have known all this time. That man wouldn't have done this to me. This problem with alcohol obviously goes back alot further than the past month (I'm still trying to learn about this disease), but the changes that occured in him, only occured in the past month, as far as I can see. He started drinking heavily, and hiding it, about a month ago. I know this because I spent 5 weeks with him previous to that, so there was no hiding anything.
His father is an alcoholic, the problem is in his family, but he was always so aware of this, and always spoke of how he knew he could fall victim and would not end up like his father, that I never thought this could happen. He despises his father for what he did to their family, and now he's doing the same thing. I guess this is a typical pattern?
The man I had planned my future with has cut me out of his life, abruptly, with no warning, and I don't know what to do. I know he has to fix himself, and he's started going to AA and co-dependency groups, but what do I do? Why did this happen? I don't know enough about alcoholic behaviours to even begin to make sense of this. My whole life, my whole future changed in one fell swoop, and I had no say in it. He needs to fix himself, and find himself, but for me to do the same I need some answers, from him, and he doesn't have them. He's got nothing right now. Can anybody help me to understand what has happened?
Thank you.
Welcome Brat,
Big hugs for you and the devastating pain you are experiencing. You are not alone.
Get to an Al Anon meeting as soon as possible. Tell them you are a newcomer. Call 1-888-AL-ANON for meeting locations in your area.
In the meantime, please join us in open chat open 24/7 and meetings. The meetings are 9AM weekdays, 9PM weeknights. Weekend schedule SAT and SUN am are at 10 AM, Meeting SUN 7PM, Eastern Standard Time.
You took a big step by posting. That took great courage. I can promise you that if you keep an open mind, listen and learn and keep coming, you will find serenity even if it escapes you now.
Maria123
(((Brat)))
It sounds like you are both very confused right now. If he has decided to admitt he is an alcoholic and seek help, he probably also realizes that it is something he needs to do alone.
It is a family disease and having grown up around it he has been affected as a child of an alcoholic as well.
None of this is your fault, and if you don't know what the signs are you could not have known what to look for. Many people who do know are in denial and will not see it.
In one aspect he is right. If a person doesn't know how to love themselves, they can not truly give love to someone else.
The answers you need are not in him but in you. Helping yourself has everything to do woth you and nothing to do with him. You are in the right place, Alanon teaches up how to deal with the effects of alcoholism no matter what the alcoholic does. It teaches us to be strong and healthy and to love ourselves.
An alcoholic in early recovery is usually confused and angry and they need to focus on themselves. It is a very selfish disease and they usualy will not see what they are doing to the people who love them.
If you can try and get to some face to face meetings near your home. Keep coming here to vent , read and learn, and read some of the Alanon literature. he more you learn the stronger you will be.
I know it is hard but try and give him some time to find himself and figure out how to live sober.
Hang in there, don't feel guilty and be gentle with yourself.
Love Jeannie
Huggggsss Brat--- I'll just say one thing that I've learned from a similar experience of someone I love dearly no longer talking with me and keeping distant abruptly. I've learned that he LOVES me and that love will never leave me AND I've learned I love him as well. What I learned MOST from this separation though as crazy as it might seem is that WE BOTH love eachother enough to be honest about what our individual needs are and recognize that WE BOTH would hurt eachother because of those extreme differences. ESPECIALLY, when alcohol is involved. Knowing that he has these emotions enough to share with me the pain he feel and being concerned for how it might affect me shows me more love than I have ever known in my entire life.... Oh, I miss him tremendously and find myself in tears thinking about him at times, but also know he loved me enough not to hurt me over and over and over again with promises and a life he didn't feel he could live up to with me. It is when two people don't accept that of eachother that people often end up hating eachother-- there feeling of love turns to anger and even hate if prolonged.....
Keep this in mind, If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be-- If it doesn't, then it was never yours to begin with AND then give your hurt to God to obtain internal peace.
Take Care! :)))