I don't even know if this will go! For some reason I lost my email account and my internet. Hoping I installed this right. Been sorta weird lately. Not quite knowing where I fit.I feel like a puzzle piece who is lost. I live the day at a time, trust hp, detach. I guess it is probably being alone so much. Been thinking about my A every day and still grieving. I was thinking how a long while back I prayed and prayed NOT to love him anymore. And what I learned was, it was loving him that set me free and made me able to love him unconditionally and detach from the disease. I guess I imagine Jesus sitting there and seeing an A. And peacefully looking at him, and loving him as a lost sheep. Told my A today I just don't understand people divorcing someone just because they are sick. But yet I do, especially if there are kids involved. But I tell ya, staying married to my A has taught me more than if I just through him away. Learned more about me. I have gone to see him periodically. Last night was nice. He actually gave to me. Was very nice. I don't expect anything. What ever he gives, it is fine. I am so glad he is still here. He seems to be doing ok. Today he was anyway. He came to my house and was very complimentary about the work I have done here. I have done lots of remodel myself. For me I have been dragging home yards and yards of fir bark. It looks so pretty. I guess I am very appreciative of all I have, and that is a lot. My 5 acres called Potter's Eden is as close to paradise as it could be for me. I honestly, really want a family though. Want to share this place. There is a song that asks the question, "When you love someone, don't you always really love them?" I believe this to be true. The disease demons work hard at trying to tear that love apart. That is where hp comes in. Guess it is that eternal struggle between good and bad. Our loved one is there inside clawing to get out, but the disease is so powerful. I told my A that I want to build a pole barn or some kind of cabin on my property that we can make into a room for him. Put his tv in there and tools and stuff. Put in a bathroom too. Just make it so he can have a place of his own to smoke and do whatever he chooses. He needs to have his own space. I told him we could fence it in nice so he has his own little yard too. This way when he is that demon mean person he will have a place to go. That is and always will be my boundary. But I want to learn to not give it any energy and just ask him to go home....but home will be right here. Plus when he is sick or complaining etc, he can be there too. Just an option. Well thank you for allowng me to vent.

Hello Debilyn,

(((((((((Hugs)))))))) How am I suppose to contact you? What is the situation with your email? I did write your phone number down when you gave it to someone. I tried to call you one time and I loved your answering machine voice :) But, I would fell better having your permission to call you. I felt bad you were in pain and could hardly type. If you read my posts you can see alot has happened in my life this last week. But things are better today. The best they can be for now. Hubby is in a mood....grrrrr but oh well. Detatching has helped me.  I miss you! You have helped me so much. You and Richard are my first friends here that reached out to me and made the first connection with me. 

My parents will be here tomorrow at noon. The are moving here to live 2 hours north to live thier lives out. Dad is not well and mom's alzheimers is way worse. I haven't seen them since last October so I will see how I handle this tomorrow. They haven't seen me and will probably comment on my weight gain  :( Oh well. Their issue not me. Although my brother at my age had a heart attack so they do have a reson to worry. My daughter is still clean and sober and son is trying to get his life back in order after that shock with the uncle/aunt selling the business out from under him. I have alot to process with that since this aunt/uncle are the ones that bought my parents home in AZ and also got dad's brand new golf cart and golf membership. I have such intense anger inside over this. Will deal with that when I have time to. LOL That sounds funny.

Well, can't wait to hear from you. I will be checking message board over chatting when I have company. I want to give them my full attention and I am sure I will need my sleep too. My mom in law , sis in law and niece will also be at my hour Friday nite,,,,wow! lots of people that will need lots of bedding/clean towels etc. I am going to let them help themselves. I just hope mom doesn't emabarass herself. She wanders at night and never remembers what she does etc.

I have alot of changes going on in my life. So one day at a time. How is your RA? Are you taking anything or doing anything for it? How are your kids? How are the pigs and all? Did you buy a car? your friend, cdb :)

hey you!

why am i not surprised that you would come up with the idea to build a place for rick on your property?  that is such an amazing idea!!!!  as time goes on, and your story with rick builds, it is just the most romantic love story, really.  cuz it seems love stories are always about really loving someone, but with a lot of pain and sadness involved also...know what i mean?  this post you wrote is the most amazing expression of love for rick i have ever heard you write since i've met you, i think.  i dont even know what else to say.  what you wrote has really, really touched my heart.  god bless you, my dear, dear sister!  and may hp's will be done....

love you loads!

lor

Dear Debilyn,

What a great idea! Lots of times, I have felt sorry for people who have no place to send their A, or no place to go themselves when the road gets rocky. We all need some 'alone time' . That way you can still see if he is ok,  don't have to be in the same house, but can still be 'together'. 

I always get encouragement from reading your posts. You have such a great way of showing that you can still love your A, no matter what. My A and I have 'broken up' so many times, but just can't stop loving each other! I have been so fortunate in having a place to send him when I need to enforce my boundaries. I guess we have come to the conclusion that we're together 'till death do us part'. Thanks for sharing, Love TLC