Last night my youngest son came over for supper, and during the conversation, he mentioned a name, that we did not want to hear. Three years ago, he was with a person who caused him and the family a lot of pain. I think that he is addicted to this person, eventhough he suffered a lot of pain, he wants to forget the past, and go back to her. She was into drugs etc. and I will not go into the rest. I have a young grand-daughter, and my son has her every second week, and that is the REAL problem for me.
This morning among one of my readings, I came across the answer that I needed for today, and it was about detachment. As the reading said, it may sound cold, and even rejecting, and not at all loving. Yet, I read that it is a wonderful gift, when I allow my loved ones the privilege and also the opportunity of being themselves.
If I am constantly intervening and trying to protect them from their painful experiences, I am doing them a great disservice. It is very painful when we watch another person suffer, or when they head down a road in which we believe will lead them to pain. It was said, when we learn to experience our own fear, grief and pain, it will help me to be willing to trust that the same growth process is possible in others, since I know about the gifts that it can bring to me.
It is important to let someone else experience the natural consequences of their own actions, even when it is painful for both of us. I said my prayer for detachment, and I am seeing my son, and grand-daughter, in the light of the HP. Thanks for letting me vent, and for being a part of my life.
Love & Hugs
dot said
May 3, 2005
Hi teddybear - A great reading to begin the day. I sometimes forget how much detachment has helped to bring me peace and serenity and what a disservice I do to someone else by not letting them learn life's lessons on their own.
Thanks for the reminder.
Love in recovery - Dot
((((((((((teddybear)))))))))))
kismetstrand said
May 3, 2005
Hi ((((((teddybear))))))
Wonderful post, especially those last 2 paragraphs with their reminders. I am one of those people who most times needs to experience things in order to learn. I can't tell you how many times my mom tried to "warn" me of things, how I figured "this time it'll be different", how in the end I only found that mom was right again. LOL BUT, the main thing is, mom never stood in my way of doing anything which she feared would end up breaking my heart. She would express herself once (if I asked) and then she would hold her counsel to herself (until/if I asked again). I knew I could always count on mom to be there to listen. When my second marriage was falling apart, there was a day when I was at the end of my rope. I drove to the phone booth (we were so poor by then our phone had been shut off) and I called mom collect and thru my sobs told her how I just couldn't take it anymore, etc. etc. I was so upset I had mom in tears too...but that is when she told me the story of my great-grandmother, which has never left me since. The moral of the story was: when we are at the end of our rope and feel we can do nothing, what we do is "do what is in front of you" (or as I have heard in Al-Anon, do the next right thing). The reason the story of my grandmother struck me so hard is because these are the great-grandparents who had been married forever and ever (and to outside eyes had a great relationship) and up until then I would never have imagined that there was a time in grandma's life when she would have been so unhappy she would have contemplated taking her life. Hearing this story helped to calm me down, and I was able to go home and do the next right thing for myself and my kids, and in that way I got thru each day hour by hour, minute by minute, until my father and brother came to move the kids and I back home to my parents. Yes, I've suffered a lot of heartache and pain from not listening to mom, but I have also learned from all I have gone thru. And I will always be grateful, that although it broke mom's heart while I was going thru these things, that she allowed me the dignity of living my life as I chose, that she didn't try to control or force things, that she was able to Let Go and trust that my HP would watch over me and my children. I am 44 now and married to another alcoholic (going on 6 years) and mom's only advice to me has been "to be caring, agreeable, to keep a nice loving attitude, to bite my tongue if necessary (LOL)" ...I find all the things she has told me are also what I hear in Al-Anon. And I find when I practice these things, my life, my relationship, is so much better. I didn't see that before - but I see it now. I had to experience the pain and suffering first in order to truly be able to appreciate the differences that MY OWN ATTITUDE could make in life. And isn't that what Al-Anon's bottom line is? Changing ourself, our attitudes, our thinking. Focusing on ourself. Wowsers!
A big ol ((((((((((HUG))))))))))))) to you as you embark on detaching with love. What a wonderful gift you are giving to your son and granddaughter!!
Luv, Kis
teddybear said
May 3, 2005
Hi dot,
Isn't it so true!! that we always need to be reminded to detach from the person and their problems. It is the only way, for us to keep our serenity, and stay connected with our HP. Thanks for the reply to my post, and thanks for being one of my teachers too.
Hugs & Blessings
teddybear said
May 3, 2005
Hi kismetstrand,
Your post has brought tears to my eyes!! I am very moved by your wise, and kind words.
I think that you are very blessed to have such a wonderful mother who loves you so much. I feel for you, and the great suffering that you must be going through. I am also a grand-mother, and I love my grand-daughter so very much, as I have always loved my children. Therefore, I understand how you could be feeling about your grand-mother, it must be so painful for you to find out the truth after all this time. I am happy for you that you have Al-Anon, and this message board in your life. Believe that your HP is watching over you, and is guiding you. I will pray for you that you will find peace and happiness in your life. If your HP brought you to it, He will bring you through it. I will think of you in my prayers. May the HP bless and keep you. Thank you for your touching, and caring post.
Hi Everyone,
Last night my youngest son came over for supper, and during the conversation, he mentioned a name, that we did not want to hear. Three years ago, he was with a person who caused him and the family a lot of pain. I think that he is addicted to this person, eventhough he suffered a lot of pain, he wants to forget the past, and go back to her. She was into drugs etc. and I will not go into the rest. I have a young grand-daughter, and my son has her every second week, and that is the REAL problem for me.
This morning among one of my readings, I came across the answer that I needed for today, and it was about detachment. As the reading said, it may sound cold, and even rejecting, and not at all loving. Yet, I read that it is a wonderful gift, when I allow my loved ones the privilege and also the opportunity of being themselves.
If I am constantly intervening and trying to protect them from their painful experiences, I am doing them a great disservice. It is very painful when we watch another person suffer, or when they head down a road in which we believe will lead them to pain. It was said, when we learn to experience our own fear, grief and pain, it will help me to be willing to trust that the same growth process is possible in others, since I know about the gifts that it can bring to me.
It is important to let someone else experience the natural consequences of their own actions, even when it is painful for both of us. I said my prayer for detachment, and I am seeing my son, and grand-daughter, in the light of the HP. Thanks for letting me vent, and for being a part of my life.
Love & Hugs
Hi ((((((teddybear))))))
Wonderful post, especially those last 2 paragraphs with their reminders. I am one of those people who most times needs to experience things in order to learn. I can't tell you how many times my mom tried to "warn" me of things, how I figured "this time it'll be different", how in the end I only found that mom was right again. LOL BUT, the main thing is, mom never stood in my way of doing anything which she feared would end up breaking my heart. She would express herself once (if I asked) and then she would hold her counsel to herself (until/if I asked again). I knew I could always count on mom to be there to listen. When my second marriage was falling apart, there was a day when I was at the end of my rope. I drove to the phone booth (we were so poor by then our phone had been shut off) and I called mom collect and thru my sobs told her how I just couldn't take it anymore, etc. etc. I was so upset I had mom in tears too...but that is when she told me the story of my great-grandmother, which has never left me since. The moral of the story was: when we are at the end of our rope and feel we can do nothing, what we do is "do what is in front of you" (or as I have heard in Al-Anon, do the next right thing). The reason the story of my grandmother struck me so hard is because these are the great-grandparents who had been married forever and ever (and to outside eyes had a great relationship) and up until then I would never have imagined that there was a time in grandma's life when she would have been so unhappy she would have contemplated taking her life. Hearing this story helped to calm me down, and I was able to go home and do the next right thing for myself and my kids, and in that way I got thru each day hour by hour, minute by minute, until my father and brother came to move the kids and I back home to my parents. Yes, I've suffered a lot of heartache and pain from not listening to mom, but I have also learned from all I have gone thru. And I will always be grateful, that although it broke mom's heart while I was going thru these things, that she allowed me the dignity of living my life as I chose, that she didn't try to control or force things, that she was able to Let Go and trust that my HP would watch over me and my children. I am 44 now and married to another alcoholic (going on 6 years) and mom's only advice to me has been "to be caring, agreeable, to keep a nice loving attitude, to bite my tongue if necessary (LOL)" ...I find all the things she has told me are also what I hear in Al-Anon. And I find when I practice these things, my life, my relationship, is so much better. I didn't see that before - but I see it now. I had to experience the pain and suffering first in order to truly be able to appreciate the differences that MY OWN ATTITUDE could make in life. And isn't that what Al-Anon's bottom line is? Changing ourself, our attitudes, our thinking. Focusing on ourself. Wowsers!
A big ol ((((((((((HUG))))))))))))) to you as you embark on detaching with love. What a wonderful gift you are giving to your son and granddaughter!!
Luv, Kis
Hi dot,
Isn't it so true!! that we always need to be reminded to detach from the person and their problems. It is the only way, for us to keep our serenity, and stay connected with our HP. Thanks for the reply to my post, and thanks for being one of my teachers too.
Hugs & Blessings
Hi kismetstrand,
Your post has brought tears to my eyes!! I am very moved by your wise, and kind words.
I think that you are very blessed to have such a wonderful mother who loves you so much. I feel for you, and the great suffering that you must be going through. I am also a grand-mother, and I love my grand-daughter so very much, as I have always loved my children. Therefore, I understand how you could be feeling about your grand-mother, it must be so painful for you to find out the truth after all this time. I am happy for you that you have Al-Anon, and this message board in your life. Believe that your HP is watching over you, and is guiding you. I will pray for you that you will find peace and happiness in your life. If your HP brought you to it, He will bring you through it. I will think of you in my prayers. May the HP bless and keep you. Thank you for your touching, and caring post.
Love & Hugs,