Well I guess I always knew the counseling wouldn't work, but I had to try.
When we went last week, the counselor was more focused than ever on my husbands drinking. He kept asking him to go back to the Dr and get a liver test, as his eyes did not look right. My husband kept telling him that his Mother did not think it was necessary.
We talked about my in-laws at length, and my husband kept interjecting, what great parents he has and what a bitch I am.
My usband kept bringing up Anger management, asking the counselor when he was going to tell me to sign up for anger management classes. The counselor told him that if and when he felt they where necessary, we could all adress it.
He told my husband that he had to stop drinking, for the sake of his own health. He told him that his drinking was costing him his marriage and his children. He explained denial to my husband saying that everyone around him could see the problem with the exception of him. My husband said that was a lie, that his parents felt he did not have a problem.
The counselor then asked us if it was possible for us to put some distance geographicaly between us and my in-laws. He said that they are too involved in our marriage and that it would be easier for us to make it if we moved away from them, and cut down our contact with them.
When we left, my husband was very angry. While the counselor did not say who was right or wrong, he did let my husband know that his drinking and his parents are a very large part of our problem.
On Saturday I tried talking to my husband, and I told him that we had agreed that we would follow the couselors suggestions to the letter. His Mother walked in and said that the three of them have a problem with this counselor, that I must have gotten to him for him to put so much blame on the three of them.
My husband then said okay, when will you go to anger management and get a psych exam. I told him that none of those things had as yet been suggested by the counselor. He said but those are what I want you to do.
I told him that I will not do something, just to try and take the focus off his drinking. He says he wants to go back one more time, he said we are going to set this counselor straight. Apparently he is going to try and convince the counselor that he is wrong.
So he is still drinking, his parents are still defending him, and I am out a few hundred dollars. But hey like I said, I had to try.
Love Jeannie
abbyal said
May 2, 2005
Hello Jeannie, well hon he ain't going down easy . Couldn't have worked out better if you had hand picked this man (councelor) youself. Because of Al-Anon and your shares I know u are aware that u too made mistakes and take responsibility for them .Obviously he is no where near ready to accept responsibility for his own behavior.
And I agree with you , you had to try the councelling for both your sakes. I am sure u ahve heard the phrase YOU'L Know around the rooms of Al-Anon before, I used to hate it when my sponsor said to me You will know when the time is right. There comes a time in our lives when we know that we have done all we could with out a program and with one to make this work. And we are able to completley let go. For me it didn't mean it was time to divorce and m ove on it simply meant that I was done. If there was going to be a solution God would have to find it cause i quit.
When and only when i reach that point is thier change.We have a line in our literature that says "Love cannot survive with out Justice" took me yrs to understand it. Today I know that one person cannot make "it" work . If Idon't get back what Iam willing to give there is not justice in any relationship. Your doing great Jeannie, keep the focus on yourself and ignore the insane solutions his family have in store for you. Phyc exam I think not.
When the time is right You will know. good luck Louise
Jeannie said
May 2, 2005
Thanks Louise,
I don't know what I am going to do, I guess only time will tell.
I am not willing to submitt to a psych exam, only because he is once again looking to lay blame anywhere but on his drinking or his parents. I could take one, I have to every three years along with my finger prints and random drug and alcohol tests for my job. I pass them all with flying colors. (If a overworked Mom like me can pass so easily it can't be too hard LOL :))
But the results woould just get them angry anyway. Now if I really wanted to be bitchy, I would agree just to aggravate them all, but it isn't worth it. I have grown a little.
Love Jeannie
wallsal55 said
May 2, 2005
Hi Jeannie. I'd say you could go to bed every night and say you've done all that you can by pursuing the counseling route. : ) Keep taking care of you. If the counselor approach doesn't/didn't work, it's all about you now. I h
TLC2 said
May 2, 2005
Hi Jeannie, Well you can't say you haven't tried!! My ex was much the same as your hubby. There was nothing wrong with HIM! I went to a Physicologist (sp) who told me there was nothing wrong with me. that WE needed marriage counselling. My husband wouldn't go, after all, there was nothing wrong with HIM! Our marriage fell apart and I left. I laughingly say now that the only thing we had in common was that we both loved HIM!!
I am now with a 'A' and am very happy with him. BTW, my ex wasn't an A. I don't know if I should say this here, but I say my ex had a disease too, it was called 'A**hole-itis'!! :) My A and I have had our bad times, but the difference is that my present hubby is willing to work as hard as I do to keep us going.
Hope this helps, take what you need and leave the rest. Just wanted to share my experience, lotsa TLC to you, wishing you all the very best!
-- Edited by TLC2 at 14:12, 2005-05-02
bcanuck said
May 2, 2005
Hi Jeannie, Thanks for keeping us all posted. Your hubby could be twins with my hubby in the attitude department, but that doesn't matter to me anymore, I am taking care of me and feeling so much better. I have boundaries in my mind that I will not let this disease cross, which I hope will give me the strength to stick to them if and when things get that bad, but for now, I'm taking care of me.
Funny how he picked out the counselor and the minute it doesn't go his way he throws a tantrum. Being with his parents is probably the best place for him, i.e. giving you the space to heal. Keep the updates coming, and take care!
Bonnie
De Anna said
May 2, 2005
Hi
It's great that you went to couseling. It's even great that he went too, although it may not have helped the way you wanted it to. He hasn't stopped going, right? Cause if he continues it's a good sign. It's probably got to get worse before it could get better. He's being confronted with another person saying what you always say, he's being confronted with reality. It's probably a big pill for him to swallow. I seem to get the idea you picked the counsler out? If at all possible maybe change counslers to one he picks out. He might be more receptive, and he certainly won't be able to blame you for his choice. Reality might just then set in. It's only a shot in the dark.
This is my approach on alot of things. I don't give in, but wash my hands of the control, or choices, therefore, he has to be responsible for it, & the consequences too. I then am not in the blame game.
cdb said
May 2, 2005
Hello Jeannie,
Give yourself a great big pat on the back and lots of hugs for having the courage to go to the counseling! (((((((((jeannie))))))) You will always know it was done and what this very intelligent counselor who your husband picked said. It is documented too.
This man must not be able to cut the apron strings and visa versa. Nothing anyone can do about that. They are choosing to enable and that is their choice. I do not feel you have an anger problem or need a psych exam. We probably know you better from your honest sharing too. If you had an anger problem you would not have been able to go back to your inlaws house and apologize and offer to clean up that mess that one time. If that is all they can pin on you..well that isn't much.
It sure is a very sad situation indeed when 3 people bond together for the sake of supporting alcoholism. You just take care of you and your kids. Keep coming here for support and Reality Checks on whether you are crazy or have any anger issues. We will remind you of the true reality. The main issue here is alcholism. Plain and simple in my opinion.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers always, your friend, cdb :)
dot said
May 2, 2005
Hi Jeannie - How sad that he still isn't able to be honest and continues in denial. Such a waste of a good man's life.
It brings back memories of the love of my life who died still drinking 20 years after our divorce.
Take care of yourself and the kids.
Sending you lots of love and hugs - Dot
jo4 said
May 3, 2005
hi jeannie
just shows you how powerful enabling is, doesn't it? all the alcoholic needs is one person to tell them they're not that bad and they will hold on to that for dear life. shows you how helping is not helping.......it is loving to death.
and i did it for years. will never make the same mistake again.
hugs, jo
megan said
May 3, 2005
hi Jeanne
greetings from north carolina. I am on a business trip. It is 75 and sunny
My husband then said okay, when will you go to anger management and get a psych exam. I told him that none of those things had as yet been suggested by the counselor. He said but those are what I want you to do.
This part really hits home to me. My husband has said on NUMEROUS occasions when am I going to go for anger management classes.
funny thing, when he quits drinking for awhile I stop being so angry..hmmm
Hi,
Well I guess I always knew the counseling wouldn't work, but I had to try.
When we went last week, the counselor was more focused than ever on my husbands drinking. He kept asking him to go back to the Dr and get a liver test, as his eyes did not look right. My husband kept telling him that his Mother did not think it was necessary.
We talked about my in-laws at length, and my husband kept interjecting, what great parents he has and what a bitch I am.
My usband kept bringing up Anger management, asking the counselor when he was going to tell me to sign up for anger management classes. The counselor told him that if and when he felt they where necessary, we could all adress it.
He told my husband that he had to stop drinking, for the sake of his own health. He told him that his drinking was costing him his marriage and his children. He explained denial to my husband saying that everyone around him could see the problem with the exception of him. My husband said that was a lie, that his parents felt he did not have a problem.
The counselor then asked us if it was possible for us to put some distance geographicaly between us and my in-laws. He said that they are too involved in our marriage and that it would be easier for us to make it if we moved away from them, and cut down our contact with them.
When we left, my husband was very angry. While the counselor did not say who was right or wrong, he did let my husband know that his drinking and his parents are a very large part of our problem.
On Saturday I tried talking to my husband, and I told him that we had agreed that we would follow the couselors suggestions to the letter. His Mother walked in and said that the three of them have a problem with this counselor, that I must have gotten to him for him to put so much blame on the three of them.
My husband then said okay, when will you go to anger management and get a psych exam. I told him that none of those things had as yet been suggested by the counselor. He said but those are what I want you to do.
I told him that I will not do something, just to try and take the focus off his drinking. He says he wants to go back one more time, he said we are going to set this counselor straight. Apparently he is going to try and convince the counselor that he is wrong.
So he is still drinking, his parents are still defending him, and I am out a few hundred dollars. But hey like I said, I had to try.
Love Jeannie
Hello Jeannie, well hon he ain't going down easy . Couldn't have worked out better if you had hand picked this man (councelor) youself. Because of Al-Anon and your shares I know u are aware that u too made mistakes and take responsibility for them .Obviously he is no where near ready to accept responsibility for his own behavior.
And I agree with you , you had to try the councelling for both your sakes. I am sure u ahve heard the phrase YOU'L Know around the rooms of Al-Anon before, I used to hate it when my sponsor said to me You will know when the time is right. There comes a time in our lives when we know that we have done all we could with out a program and with one to make this work. And we are able to completley let go. For me it didn't mean it was time to divorce and m ove on it simply meant that I was done. If there was going to be a solution God would have to find it cause i quit.
When and only when i reach that point is thier change.We have a line in our literature that says "Love cannot survive with out Justice" took me yrs to understand it. Today I know that one person cannot make "it" work . If Idon't get back what Iam willing to give there is not justice in any relationship. Your doing great Jeannie, keep the focus on yourself and ignore the insane solutions his family have in store for you. Phyc exam I think not.
When the time is right You will know. good luck Louise
I don't know what I am going to do, I guess only time will tell.
I am not willing to submitt to a psych exam, only because he is once again looking to lay blame anywhere but on his drinking or his parents. I could take one, I have to every three years along with my finger prints and random drug and alcohol tests for my job. I pass them all with flying colors. (If a overworked Mom like me can pass so easily it can't be too hard LOL :))
But the results woould just get them angry anyway. Now if I really wanted to be bitchy, I would agree just to aggravate them all, but it isn't worth it. I have grown a little.
Love Jeannie
Hi Jeannie, Well you can't say you haven't tried!! My ex was much the same as your hubby. There was nothing wrong with HIM! I went to a Physicologist (sp) who told me there was nothing wrong with me. that WE needed marriage counselling. My husband wouldn't go, after all, there was nothing wrong with HIM! Our marriage fell apart and I left. I laughingly say now that the only thing we had in common was that we both loved HIM!!
I am now with a 'A' and am very happy with him. BTW, my ex wasn't an A. I don't know if I should say this here, but I say my ex had a disease too, it was called 'A**hole-itis'!! :) My A and I have had our bad times, but the difference is that my present hubby is willing to work as hard as I do to keep us going.
Hope this helps, take what you need and leave the rest. Just wanted to share my experience, lotsa TLC to you, wishing you all the very best!
-- Edited by TLC2 at 14:12, 2005-05-02
Hi Jeannie, Thanks for keeping us all posted. Your hubby could be twins with my hubby in the attitude department, but that doesn't matter to me anymore, I am taking care of me and feeling so much better. I have boundaries in my mind that I will not let this disease cross, which I hope will give me the strength to stick to them if and when things get that bad, but for now, I'm taking care of me.
Funny how he picked out the counselor and the minute it doesn't go his way he throws a tantrum. Being with his parents is probably the best place for him, i.e. giving you the space to heal. Keep the updates coming, and take care!
Bonnie
Hi
It's great that you went to couseling. It's even great that he went too, although it may not have helped the way you wanted it to. He hasn't stopped going, right? Cause if he continues it's a good sign. It's probably got to get worse before it could get better. He's being confronted with another person saying what you always say, he's being confronted with reality. It's probably a big pill for him to swallow. I seem to get the idea you picked the counsler out? If at all possible maybe change counslers to one he picks out. He might be more receptive, and he certainly won't be able to blame you for his choice. Reality might just then set in. It's only a shot in the dark.
This is my approach on alot of things. I don't give in, but wash my hands of the control, or choices, therefore, he has to be responsible for it, & the consequences too. I then am not in the blame game.
Hello Jeannie,
Give yourself a great big pat on the back and lots of hugs for having the courage to go to the counseling! (((((((((jeannie))))))) You will always know it was done and what this very intelligent counselor who your husband picked said. It is documented too.
This man must not be able to cut the apron strings and visa versa. Nothing anyone can do about that. They are choosing to enable and that is their choice. I do not feel you have an anger problem or need a psych exam. We probably know you better from your honest sharing too. If you had an anger problem you would not have been able to go back to your inlaws house and apologize and offer to clean up that mess that one time. If that is all they can pin on you..well that isn't much.
It sure is a very sad situation indeed when 3 people bond together for the sake of supporting alcoholism. You just take care of you and your kids. Keep coming here for support and Reality Checks on whether you are crazy or have any anger issues. We will remind you of the true reality. The main issue here is alcholism. Plain and simple in my opinion.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers always, your friend, cdb :)
hi jeannie
just shows you how powerful enabling is, doesn't it? all the alcoholic needs is one person to tell them they're not that bad and they will hold on to that for dear life. shows you how helping is not helping.......it is loving to death.
and i did it for years. will never make the same mistake again.
hugs, jo
hi Jeanne
greetings from north carolina. I am on a business trip. It is 75 and sunny
My husband then said okay, when will you go to anger management and get a psych exam. I told him that none of those things had as yet been suggested by the counselor. He said but those are what I want you to do.
This part really hits home to me. My husband has said on NUMEROUS occasions when am I going to go for anger management classes.
funny thing, when he quits drinking for awhile I stop being so angry..hmmm
I hope your next session goes better
megan