Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation which we are detaching. It simply is a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon us and our lives.
I am making a consious decision to put aside those things which are outside myself----beyond my direct control, such as another person's mood, behaviour, thinking, I am practicing detachment. This concept is reinforced by members at meetings who urge "Live and let live" with special emphasis on "Letting go".
I can now see that, through these years I was trying to carry a burden that was not mine to carry. His/her drinking or sobriety were not my problems to deal with.
Alanon is showing me how to live with people- to accept them for what they are----I have no business trying to manage anyone elses life.
Many of us who have turned to alanon have done so in a despeate attempts to help those we love. We stay in alanon because we want and need help in learning how to allow others to deal with their own drinking problem while we concentrate on our own recovery.
I had trouble deciding whether to attend alanon or not, however if I had known there were others with the same story, I might have gone alot sooner.
We speak from our own experience and ours is dervied from the affects of alcoholism. We share our own Experience, Strength and Hope, at meetings, and our anonymity gives us the freedom, to do so without fear being judged or belittled or condemned. Alanon is not a religious organization or couselling agency. It is not a treatment center nor is it allied with any other organization offering such services. Membership is voluntary, requiring only that one's own life has been adversely affected by someone else's drinking problem. Keep coming back,,it works if you work it,,and you know you are worth it!!
gardengal
david62 said
May 1, 2005
Wonderful words (((((Gardengal))))))!!!
Thanks for sharing with us!
David
fiona123 said
May 1, 2005
Hi GG
Just a Big ol (((((HUG))))) for you ! Thanks you so much for sharing what I still need to hear and work on every day
My ex'x Birthday was yesterday ...he turned 55 ....*sighs* ....is drinking and living a life of lies still
i remembered all the birthdays I had helped him celebrate and wondered who was doing it now
ah well .... your post helped me focus back where i need to , on ME
THANK YOU Love you
Fiona
Annie said
May 1, 2005
Thanks for the reminder, Gardengal. I have trouble with detachment because sometimes when I detach, I feel guilty--like I am not caring or doing enough. But it does feel good to let go of the worries that my A creates by drinking so much...that is why this site has been so good for me. It keeps me on track and inspires me to reach for mental health and growth through everyone's sharing. Love and blessings, Annie
stillouthere said
May 1, 2005
this is what i needed to find hear today detach from the moods, behavior, etc, live and let live thank you
notaboutme said
May 2, 2005
Hello-
I am BRAND new here. I barely know what I'm doing. Actually, I don't know what I'm doing.
Briefly, My daughter is a recovering A (one year chip 2 nights ago!!) and she's doing 'ok', but still has lots of things naturally that need some attention etc. My question here about detachment is...she just turned 21 and we still support her financially since she is in college full time. It is hard to understand exactly how to 'detach' when sometimes her decisions and/or requests we don't agree with involve our $. For example, she wants to leave the state to attend another college just because she doesn't like our state and has this streak of adventure. We do not believe this is in her best interest for a number of reasons. Now if she was self-supporting etc. I can see where we would just need to 'detach' and step back and say even tho we do not agree with this idea, she can make the decision she thinks is right. I hope I'm not being confusing here. Thanks for 'listening'. How do you DETACH completely when it is your child and they still need your financial support?
notaboutme
-- Edited by notaboutme at 12:34, 2005-05-02
TLC2 said
May 2, 2005
"Now if she was self-supporting etc. I can see where we would just need to 'detach' and step back and say even tho we do not agree with this idea, she can make the decision she thinks is right".
If she were self-supporting, she could make her own decisions??? Just a thought.., but I think you have answered your own question. I know how hard it is to step back and let them make their own mistakes. I always want to pick them up, dust them off, and wrap them back in cotton-wool!! I guess a lot of us are like that here, and that's one reason we came here. At first, we just wanted to find out how to 'fix' our loved one, then came to learn a lot more! Keep coming back, a lot of us have been in similar situations and Alanon and the great people here can make a big, wonderful difference in your life!! We won't tell you how to 'fix' her, but can share our experience, strength and hope. 'Take what you need and leave the rest ' is one of our expressions. Keep coming back, there's lots to learn here, I know it's been a sanity-saver for me! All the best to you, TLC
notaboutme said
May 2, 2005
TLC2,
Thank you for your words of encouragement. Please forgive my brain fog relating to the AlAnon concepts and how to implement them. I think I 'get' that I cannot fix her (already tried that). But I am confused about where the line is between responsible parenting vs enabling and controlling behavior on our part. I do not think we are trying to control her behavior or her choices by not financially supporting her decision to move out of state. But being that we do think it's a bad idea, I don't think we have to say ok and write her a check, do we? I realize if she decides she's going to go come hell or high water (which could happen) and she says she will just support herself etc. then I know we can't stop her and in fact we wouldn't try. It would be her money at that point, her life, her choices and her consequences to suffer (learn from?) We did already tell her we cannot afford out of state school tuition. She says she has already lined up a student loan for herself. But we would be expected to pay for her apartment etc. (which we do now in a town 30 miles away at another college) So to her, she doesn't see why we can't just 'do the same thing we are now' but it would just be in another state.
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation which we are detaching. It simply is a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon us and our lives.
I am making a consious decision to put aside those things which are outside myself----beyond my direct control, such as another person's mood, behaviour, thinking, I am practicing detachment. This concept is reinforced by members at meetings who urge "Live and let live" with special emphasis on "Letting go".
I can now see that, through these years I was trying to carry a burden that was not mine to carry. His/her drinking or sobriety were not my problems to deal with.
Alanon is showing me how to live with people- to accept them for what they are----I have no business trying to manage anyone elses life.
Many of us who have turned to alanon have done so in a despeate attempts to help those we love. We stay in alanon because we want and need help in learning how to allow others to deal with their own drinking problem while we concentrate on our own recovery.
I had trouble deciding whether to attend alanon or not, however if I had known there were others with the same story, I might have gone alot sooner.
We speak from our own experience and ours is dervied from the affects of alcoholism. We share our own Experience, Strength and Hope, at meetings, and our anonymity gives us the freedom, to do so without fear being judged or belittled or condemned. Alanon is not a religious organization or couselling agency. It is not a treatment center nor is it allied with any other organization offering such services. Membership is voluntary, requiring only that one's own life has been adversely affected by someone else's drinking problem. Keep coming back,,it works if you work it,,and you know you are worth it!!
gardengal
Wonderful words (((((Gardengal))))))!!!
Thanks for sharing with us!
David
Hi GG
Just a Big ol (((((HUG))))) for you ! Thanks you so much for sharing what I still need to hear and work on every day
My ex'x Birthday was yesterday ...he turned 55 ....*sighs* ....is drinking and living a life of lies still
i remembered all the birthdays I had helped him celebrate and wondered who was doing it now
ah well .... your post helped me focus back where i need to , on ME
THANK YOU
Love you
Fiona
Hello-
I am BRAND new here. I barely know what I'm doing. Actually, I don't know what I'm doing.
Briefly, My daughter is a recovering A (one year chip 2 nights ago!!) and she's doing 'ok', but still has lots of things naturally that need some attention etc. My question here about detachment is...she just turned 21 and we still support her financially since she is in college full time. It is hard to understand exactly how to 'detach' when sometimes her decisions and/or requests we don't agree with involve our $. For example, she wants to leave the state to attend another college just because she doesn't like our state and has this streak of adventure. We do not believe this is in her best interest for a number of reasons. Now if she was self-supporting etc. I can see where we would just need to 'detach' and step back and say even tho we do not agree with this idea, she can make the decision she thinks is right. I hope I'm not being confusing here. Thanks for 'listening'. How do you DETACH completely when it is your child and they still need your financial support?
notaboutme
-- Edited by notaboutme at 12:34, 2005-05-02
"Now if she was self-supporting etc. I can see where we would just need to 'detach' and step back and say even tho we do not agree with this idea, she can make the decision she thinks is right".
If she were self-supporting, she could make her own decisions??? Just a thought.., but I think you have answered your own question. I know how hard it is to step back and let them make their own mistakes. I always want to pick them up, dust them off, and wrap them back in cotton-wool!! I guess a lot of us are like that here, and that's one reason we came here. At first, we just wanted to find out how to 'fix' our loved one, then came to learn a lot more! Keep coming back, a lot of us have been in similar situations and Alanon and the great people here can make a big, wonderful difference in your life!! We won't tell you how to 'fix' her, but can share our experience, strength and hope. 'Take what you need and leave the rest ' is one of our expressions. Keep coming back, there's lots to learn here, I know it's been a sanity-saver for me! All the best to you, TLC
TLC2,
Thank you for your words of encouragement. Please forgive my brain fog relating to the AlAnon concepts and how to implement them. I think I 'get' that I cannot fix her (already tried that). But I am confused about where the line is between responsible parenting vs enabling and controlling behavior on our part. I do not think we are trying to control her behavior or her choices by not financially supporting her decision to move out of state. But being that we do think it's a bad idea, I don't think we have to say ok and write her a check, do we? I realize if she decides she's going to go come hell or high water (which could happen) and she says she will just support herself etc. then I know we can't stop her and in fact we wouldn't try. It would be her money at that point, her life, her choices and her consequences to suffer (learn from?) We did already tell her we cannot afford out of state school tuition. She says she has already lined up a student loan for herself. But we would be expected to pay for her apartment etc. (which we do now in a town 30 miles away at another college) So to her, she doesn't see why we can't just 'do the same thing we are now' but it would just be in another state.
Thanks...notaboutme