Hi guys, My name is Kelly. My A is my husband. We have been married for almost 15 years. He started drinking more (than socially/occasionally) about 4 years ago. It is now worse than ever. I'm having a difficult time dealing with this. I have searched all over the net for support and information (that is how I found you guys.) I love my husband so much but I am just so tired of this. It feels like a mind game. I live with Dr. Jeckel/Mr. Hyde. We have 3 children and though my A is and never has been abusive, I still worry about what his drinking is doing to our children. I just can't seem to reach him. I have read all these things about how to live with/cope with an A in your life but I am becoming so resentful and bitter not to mention depressed. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I love him so much but I hate "the drinker" I want to tell him to lose the booze or lose all of us. If I do that I am almost positive that he will leave, or be even more difficult to live with. I just don't know what to do. Help Please.

Kelly,

               Hi and welcome glad you found us your story sounds like me! I have been Married 13 yrs to my A (husband) and I have 3 kids together for 14 and I understand where your at I have been comming here 3 months and it helps me so much, My husband I called probation and violated him 2 times in 6months and he went to a detox and a rehab for 10 days and so far he has been sober a month and a few days. I was beside myself and through all this my son 16 two weeks ago was in a bad accident and his 2 friends and him rolled the car and so I was beside myself, they are all ok thank god, but many here have helped me I can not say enough about this site or about face to face meetings, and maybe your A will never stop but it will help you find tools to cope with it, maybe you will remain together and maybe you wont but you need to put you first!!! Hard to do I know but you are worth it, and you did not cause it, cant control it and cant change it, the 3C's we call them they helped me I thought I was to blame, but I know now I was not and that I have issues also and needed to focus and work on me, and well it works good luck dear friend and please visit us for a online meeting and open chat,

prayers, cloud

Hi Kelly,

Welcome, you have come to the right place.  I can so identify w/ the things you have said in your post.  However, be assured that through this program there is hope for you and your children.  As you may have learned through your reasearch alcoholism is a cunning baffling "disease".  And your recovery from the effects have started by making your post and asking for help.  Congratulations.  It is not easy to ask for help but you have taken the first step by doing so and should feel good about that. 

I to lived w/ a Jeckyl/Hyde personality A.  And the effects on my children vary from my oldest being non-confrontational about anything to my youngest doing whatever he could to get attention even negative attention.  You see I was so focused on the A in my life that I wasn't available to help my children.  I did all the things a co-dependent wife would do - cried, begged, nagged, and threatened to get my A to stop drinking.  My relief for me came when I truly believed that alcholism is a disease and that my husband suffered from it.  And through his suffering he felt guilt and turned his guilt on me in varying forms.  That in turn made me feel as you do - resentful, depressed and very bitter.

Through this program I learned as I hope you will to that I can have a life.  I can love my husband.  And as the saying goes in this program - "When I got busy, I got better".  Meaning simply when I put the focus on me, my life got better.  Fortunately for me and my family, my husband got sober.  It hasnt been easy and each day is a struggle but we are making it One Day at a Time.

If you can find a group in you area please go to a face to face meeting.  Listen and you will learn.  There are so many of us out there like you.  And in this program we have found happiness and serenity whether the A's in our life are drinking or not.

Lastly for you - although you say your husband is not abusive - keep in mind there are many forms of abuse.  Verbal and emotional can be just as damaging.  You must do what is right for you.  If you and your children are not safe please set up a safe place for you all to go. 

I hope to see you in the meeting room here and hope that you can get out to meetings.  And I hope that you can find serenity for yourself.  You are worth it.  You are worthy of love.  And in these rooms you will find just that.  For we already love you.

Karen

 

My prayers are with you and all others that choose to stay with an alcoholic.  I can honestly say that I don't understand how or WHY people do it.  I love my ex a with ALL of my heart and it took me quite awhile to finally end the relationship because of that love.  However, the FINAL straw came when the choice was obvious Alcohol or Me, Alcohol and his good time took priority over his child.  When the ultimatum was on the table and it was to decide what his priorities were in his life and he chose alcohol, then I had NO PLACE in his life....  That is ALL I needed to hear to finally realize that is what HE chose-- no more begging or pleading, trying to love him with all I have in my heart.  Time to walk away and be with someone who deserves ME and know that I deserve to be loved and treated with kindness, compassion and respect.  Anyone who has the audacity to come out and tell me (sickness of not) that they choose alcohol or any other addictive substance over our relationship does not know love as we are supposed to love. 

Also, as far as abuse goes---- emotional confinement, distance are ALL forms of abuse.  When a person cannot offer what you need in a relationship AND REFUSES to acknowledge your needs and contribute to the emotional and mental instability of the relationship that is abuse.  Physical abuse that is seen to the eye goes away, but the emotional and mental abuse that comes with that OR with being degraded as a person just by ignoring their partners needs in a relationship is selfish and abusive as well.  Often detrimental to ones mental health and emotional stability. 

-- Edited by sanddie at 23:37, 2005-04-30

Welcome Kelly,

Please come into chat and share with us.  We have meetings also which will help you deal with this terrible disease.  It does get better if you keep coming.  I hope you will.

Maria 123

I am new here too.  You will discover, as you may have already that there are many, many women out there who know exactly how you are feeling.  I recently posted for the first time here and have felt great support from those who responded to me.  I recently discovered how much of myself i had lost---how much the alcoholism in my home had effected my children.  I had a light bulb moment not too long ago, where i realized, then decided that it was time to take care of myself.  I knew in doing so that i may be on a very different path than my husband.  Take this journey one day at a time.  Reach out to those around you, you will be amazed at how supportive your friends and family will be.  Look for a local meeting (this took incredible courage for me, but i was SO glad i went).  If you are interested in resources, I would suggest to you a book called Broken Marriage: Learn to live with yourself and an alcoholic.  (I found it on Amazon).  When i read this book, it was as if the author had been in my home.  It gave me great clarity and helped me to acknowledge that i was sick too---that starting with myself was the only thing i could do.  Personally, i do not think i can live with my alcoholic anymore.  Taking care of yourself and gaining knowledge about alcoholism will help you come to a decision you are at peace with---whether you are with or without your husband.  Good luck. 

Welcome Kelly, well first alcoholism is a disease. We cannot wish it away, ultimatum it away or make it go away at all. Your husband is very, very sick. As the A continues to use they get worse and worse. My husband is also A. I want to say, abuse is NOT a symptom of alcoholism. It is totally separate. I am glad he is not there. But like others have said, the disease can make you feel abused and it also makes you sick. You have said what millions of us have. Jekyll and Hyde. The only thing we can do, is what alanon is for, to learn skills to deal with living with and or loving an A. I love my husband very much. I cannot live with him however as he does get abusive out of nowhere. He does not even know it is coming. He was horribly abused as a child as was his whole little family. His father was a horrible man and an A. I have learned to hate the disease and love the man. Took lots of work. I also set up my life so iif he leaves 100% I am ok financially, shelter and vehicle wise. I am working on my credit being cleaned up too. His disease made a mess of that. Kelly that is the key. Take care of you and the kids. Learn that he is very sick and has no control over this. I said the serenity prayer over and over and over and put my situation in it. I also would say, "everything is ok" over and over. It is no different than stopping the negative self talk we all put into our pretty and handsome heads. His disease is his own. We can do nothing anymore than we can stop a river. So let it go. It takes work to not respond to the yapping disease. We miss our loved one when they become that pod person,(Man I could type ever so much faster if this darn siamesey lynx point cat,Bentlee was not rubbing my face, pff pff hair.. spit spit hair) Anyway Start simple. Go to meetings if you can, come to the ones here, read, read, read. " Getting Them Sober is Bible for me. I learned so so much from it. There are so many people here you can learn from. I spent hours in the chat room when my A first left. They literally kept me alive. We talked serious then we would play and laugh, be gross and silly. It was so healing. I love those people more than they will ever know for that. We also need you too. It helps us to help you. Some of us talk on the phone too, and/or we become online sponsors. Well you keep coming back. I promise miracles will happen if you work hard at this program and stop even thinking about the A. Except to love him that is. Love,debilyn now a very happy camper on her farm....in beautiful wet but green Oregon