I have been in alanon for 4 years now. And no matter what I do, or how I work my program, I can't stop this heartbreak I have every time my "A" relapses. I know I don't have to explain the pain, you all have felt it.
My struggle is talking to him after he comes back. I am angry, resentful, hurt, and I hate to say it I want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me. I wish just once he was on my side of the fence. I wish he knew the hurt of feeling hate towards the one you love.
But then I have to stop and think, (and I am so grateful to my higher power that i do stop) he feels a pain that I have never felt. He has guilt that I can never imagine. He has heartache just as much as I do. He hates himself. And I could never hurt him as much as he hurts himself. And at this time dispite the pain, hurt, anger, and resentments, he is worse off than I. I have you all, my sponosr, this program, and my HP. He has only his drugs, how lonely he must feel.
I have a place to let out my feelings so I can act rationally towards him. I can look at him with the compassion and understanding that he deserves. I am able to remember that I love this man, I don't have to like him all the time, and I don't. But deep down he is the man that I love, even though I don't see him all the time.
I struggle with the emotions, but I have learned to not lash out at him. I have learned to get to my program one way or the other. Be it calling my sponsor, calling someone on the phone, going to a meeting, chating in the chat room.
Thanks for letting me vent. I was going to explode if I didn't get it out, and what a mess that would make.
Love you all,
DolphinLur
Annie said
Apr 30, 2005
Sounds like you are doing a great job working on you. I know I can't control what my A does--whether he drinks or stops--so I just go about working on me and trying to keep my positive outlook on life just like you are doing. I have accepted that it is my A's choice to be healthy or unhealthy just as I make my choices regarding my health. That is about all I can do about my situation. Keep up the great work! Love and peace to you. Annie
Maria123 said
Apr 30, 2005
Dolphin,
You've found the appropriate place of trust to vent your feelings. I am so glad you keep coming and enjoy your shares.
Maria123
luv123 said
May 1, 2005
Thanks for venting! It gives us all permission to do the same and be vulnerable and human in here. You sound like you are working it very hard and doing all you can to appropriately get the feelings out in harmless ways. Sponsprship should be stressed as a tool-glad you use yours!
If we did not have these rooms/tools we would have to be feeding our denial with some drug or shopping or gambling or whatever other negativity I think. Here we find the courage to feel and get on with the business of living our lives. Your sharing empowers us all--thanks.
Hi all,
I have been in alanon for 4 years now. And no matter what I do, or how I work my program, I can't stop this heartbreak I have every time my "A" relapses. I know I don't have to explain the pain, you all have felt it.
My struggle is talking to him after he comes back. I am angry, resentful, hurt, and I hate to say it I want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me. I wish just once he was on my side of the fence. I wish he knew the hurt of feeling hate towards the one you love.
But then I have to stop and think, (and I am so grateful to my higher power that i do stop) he feels a pain that I have never felt. He has guilt that I can never imagine. He has heartache just as much as I do. He hates himself. And I could never hurt him as much as he hurts himself. And at this time dispite the pain, hurt, anger, and resentments, he is worse off than I. I have you all, my sponosr, this program, and my HP. He has only his drugs, how lonely he must feel.
I have a place to let out my feelings so I can act rationally towards him. I can look at him with the compassion and understanding that he deserves. I am able to remember that I love this man, I don't have to like him all the time, and I don't. But deep down he is the man that I love, even though I don't see him all the time.
I struggle with the emotions, but I have learned to not lash out at him. I have learned to get to my program one way or the other. Be it calling my sponsor, calling someone on the phone, going to a meeting, chating in the chat room.
Thanks for letting me vent. I was going to explode if I didn't get it out, and what a mess that would make.
Love you all,
DolphinLur
Dolphin,
You've found the appropriate place of trust to vent your feelings. I am so glad you keep coming and enjoy your shares.
Maria123
Thanks for venting! It gives us all permission to do the same and be vulnerable and human in here. You sound like you are working it very hard and doing all you can to appropriately get the feelings out in harmless ways. Sponsprship should be stressed as a tool-glad you use yours!
If we did not have these rooms/tools we would have to be feeding our denial with some drug or shopping or gambling or whatever other negativity I think. Here we find the courage to feel and get on with the business of living our lives. Your sharing empowers us all--thanks.
Sha angel or luv123