Okay---please bear with me here. My husband is an alcoholic. We have been married for almost 7 years, together 11. We have two young children. His drinking has been an on going issue, one that has recently blown up. After several light bulb moments, in which the honesty of children brings you to face reality--- i raised my concerns and expressed that i am tired, worn out and done with living with an alcoholic. I got myself some books---as you know it was as if the author had been living in my home. I have the support of friends and my family. His family is in denial. I know the cycle, i know how it all goes---he needs to want help and all that. He does not want help. Likes drinking, likes his lifestyle and when faced with my pleas to work on this issue WITH me---his response is he will never change and if that means we need to seperate or divorce, so be it. You can imagine my heartbreak---even though i know i can't change him. At one point he has said he would work on controlling it (we all know where that will end up eventually) and i thought that was a start---so for myself, i decided to attend an al-anon meeting. I felt empowered and have every intention of returning. My husband however, was furious---has not spoken much to me since. Is thinking of moving out. When he does talk to me it is hateful and hurtful and in front of my children. I am getting close to telling him to go---- just so that my children don't have to hear the fighting. I have read this board for the last few weeks and have found your posts helpful. Please feel free to share any thoughts you might have. Thank you.
lin0606 said
Apr 29, 2005
Going to alanon is something you do for you, not for him. He has said that he does not see a problem, you do, and are trying to find help for yourself. Stick to your guns, this is none of his business.
(Easy for me to say, I know, but do your best. If you got the numbers of some people in yor F2F group, call them for backbone stiffening when you need it.)(You can also come here whenever you need to.)
jj said
Apr 29, 2005
((((lost)))) My husband could be your especially the part where when I bringing up the drinking and the part of how he loves it and so on. My husband loves his social life in when ever I bring up his quiting he says "SEE YA BYE" very painful. So I feel your pain!! On the other hand my husband is very supportive of me attending alanon and AA meetings and I make it clear to him that it has nothing to do with him and that it is for me and my sanity. He does realize this and notices that I do less Bi#$%ing. His words. My husband and I quit fighting in fornt of the kids long ago and it is due to me not letting it happen and just telling him that it will never happen again in front of them, but also I must say that before that happened things got way out of hand and physical and I did leave and we both swore that never again or I would definately split with the kids and so on.
I am glad that you are here. Keep comming back
Love in recovery JJ
dot said
Apr 29, 2005
Hi lost - It takes two to fight in front of the kids so if you don't react he has no one to fight with. I used to say - "YOu may be right" or "thank you for telling me that" You may be right always stumped him - he had no argument if he was right.
And a little gem of information that I wish I had known when I uised to be so scared that he would leave. You can't get rid of an a - they may leave but it's only temporary - they'll be back again and again. At least that's what I've seem through the years. We're the only ones who will tolerate them and still love them.
Just my thoughts - take what you like and leave the rest.
Love and hugs - Dot
abbyal said
Apr 29, 2005
Hi , just keep going to your meetings, he is threatened by your going. My husb told me the only problem with me going to meetings was now there were 2 of us who knew he had a problem. By going to meetings you have let the secret out he can no longer deny there is a problem. This disease thrives on secrets and as one of the partners seeks change the A becomes threatened. He is trying to intimidate you by threatning to move out. He may or may not do that. Change is risky but if your sick and tired of the insantity of alcoholism then go back to Al-Alanon and get your life back on track.
There is nothing u can do about him but alot u can do for yourself and your children, I didn't want to leave my marriage either and by working this program it allowed me to stay and detach with love and understanding. Al-Anon does not promise to save marriages only to return some sanity to our lives and that was good enough for me. I went because of him but stayed for me. There is always hope we have no idea what God has planned for us. good luck keep the focus on your recovery. bye for now Louise
Dolphin123 said
Apr 29, 2005
(((Lost)))
I am only going to repeat what others have said, keep coming back.
Sometimes the "A" rages when we attend alanon because they don't know what alanon is all about. I am not going to pretend to know what your "A" is thinking, just something I have seen before.
You will be in my prayers
DolphinLur
sanddie said
Apr 29, 2005
There is only ONE question you need to ask yourself and once you KNOW the answer in your heart to this question, the choice becomes empowering and is yours to take... What is is YOU NEED and feel you DESERVE? Been there and done that-- it wasn't until I realized I deserved and needed a loving, kind, compassionate relationship in which what I gave was reciprocated that I was able to make the decision to walk away. It also wasn't until I was able to overcome the sense of feeling sorry for my ex for his disease that he wasn't too worried about that I could also walk away..... People at any realms who get in their feeling sorry for themselves mood, but yet choose to not consider help is THEIR choice. Disease of not, WE ALL have issues-- it is how we choose to respond to our issues that make us who and what we are..... An alcoholic is NO different.
Take Care! HUGGGGGGGSSSSSS
-- Edited by sanddie at 22:01, 2005-04-29
whatif said
Apr 29, 2005
Lost, I've only been here part of a week, but have lived your life for 20 years. The only difference-no small children. Yes I know the pain of, if I force a choice between myself and a drink I would lose. We had a binge day on Tuesday and the pain is the same as the first time. I cried till I was sick and then found these wonderful people. I have no meetings where I am. I also know that I am staying. My husband is a binge drinker (that's what I call it). Some times there can be as long as 3 weeks in between and sometimes less, and usually nothing in between.It's not even in the house. He goes for 7 or 8 hours to his favorite bar and yes usually drives home. I seem to be rambling, sorry. I know I am staying.So I have ordered books and I "lurk" here. I sat down with him 2 days ago and told him what I am doing. I explained to him that if I work this, things will be a lot calmer around here. I'm a screamer, nagger or cryer depending on my mood on the days that I come home from work to an empty house and know immediately where he is. Just letting you know you are not alone. Take Care of You whatif
lost said
Apr 30, 2005
Thank you for all your thoughts shared. Knowing i am not alone is reassuring and helps me to get up on my feet, continue on my way to peace, with or without my husband. At this very moment---it is looking more like without him is the way this is headed---and while i do not look forward to the fall out, the anger and hateful remarks-- i feel at this moment like i will be okay. Taking care of myself is new to me--i am sure every one of you can relate. It feels really good though. The post that talks about the one question i need to ask mysefl---was much appreciated. My answer, similar to yours is that i deserve a kind, compassionate and reciprical relationship--- When reading the posts, I have often felt that my stance about not wanting to live this way anymore is a bad one---that all i have to do is work on myself and i will learn how to live---but i don't agree. that may jsut be a state of mind right now, but i suddenly realize how much i deserve and wonder if detaching and showing compassion for my husband will in the end provide me with what i deserve or just teach me how to live without it.
lin0606 said
Apr 30, 2005
There is no right or wrong choice. Some of us have been able to find happiness while living with an active A, and some have had to leave the situation in order to find peace. One of these solutions is not better than the other, as they depend on you, and on your own particular life. Please don't feel that if you were a 'better person' or 'worked harder' you would be able to find serenity while living with your A. Believe me, you get enough blame from the A, without getting it from yourself, or from anyone here! The more you learn about yourself, and about the disease, the more the solution to your own particular problem will become clear to you.
TLC2 said
May 1, 2005
That's why we try not to 'give advice', but just share our experiences. We all have much in common, as most of our 'A's have much the same symptoms, but each and every relationship is different, and only you know what is truely in your heart. It's the same with any couple, whether there is alcohol involved or not. You have your own relationship, and only you know how good/bad it is and if it's worth saving, or time to move on. Wishing you the best in whatever YOU decide! love, TLC
richard said
May 2, 2005
It sounds like you might know about the detachment stuff. I am not a proponent of the detachment stuff, so please take this as so. By now you have told him to go, right? When did you do it? Now you have a chance to begin the most awesome relationship that you can ever have… a honest to goodness self-relationship. There is no doubt in my mind at all, when you do that, a reciprocating ‘other’ relationship will seem bloom out of nowhere and as always been there waiting for your self-relationship.
Okay---please bear with me here. My husband is an alcoholic. We have been married for almost 7 years, together 11. We have two young children. His drinking has been an on going issue, one that has recently blown up. After several light bulb moments, in which the honesty of children brings you to face reality--- i raised my concerns and expressed that i am tired, worn out and done with living with an alcoholic. I got myself some books---as you know it was as if the author had been living in my home. I have the support of friends and my family. His family is in denial. I know the cycle, i know how it all goes---he needs to want help and all that. He does not want help. Likes drinking, likes his lifestyle and when faced with my pleas to work on this issue WITH me---his response is he will never change and if that means we need to seperate or divorce, so be it. You can imagine my heartbreak---even though i know i can't change him. At one point he has said he would work on controlling it (we all know where that will end up eventually) and i thought that was a start---so for myself, i decided to attend an al-anon meeting. I felt empowered and have every intention of returning. My husband however, was furious---has not spoken much to me since. Is thinking of moving out. When he does talk to me it is hateful and hurtful and in front of my children. I am getting close to telling him to go---- just so that my children don't have to hear the fighting. I have read this board for the last few weeks and have found your posts helpful. Please feel free to share any thoughts you might have. Thank you.
((((lost)))) My husband could be your especially the part where when I bringing up the drinking and the part of how he loves it and so on. My husband loves his social life in when ever I bring up his quiting he says "SEE YA BYE" very painful. So I feel your pain!! On the other hand my husband is very supportive of me attending alanon and AA meetings and I make it clear to him that it has nothing to do with him and that it is for me and my sanity. He does realize this and notices that I do less Bi#$%ing. His words. My husband and I quit fighting in fornt of the kids long ago and it is due to me not letting it happen and just telling him that it will never happen again in front of them, but also I must say that before that happened things got way out of hand and physical and I did leave and we both swore that never again or I would definately split with the kids and so on.
I am glad that you are here. Keep comming back
Love in recovery JJ
Hi , just keep going to your meetings, he is threatened by your going. My husb told me the only problem with me going to meetings was now there were 2 of us who knew he had a problem. By going to meetings you have let the secret out he can no longer deny there is a problem. This disease thrives on secrets and as one of the partners seeks change the A becomes threatened. He is trying to intimidate you by threatning to move out. He may or may not do that. Change is risky but if your sick and tired of the insantity of alcoholism then go back to Al-Alanon and get your life back on track.
There is nothing u can do about him but alot u can do for yourself and your children, I didn't want to leave my marriage either and by working this program it allowed me to stay and detach with love and understanding. Al-Anon does not promise to save marriages only to return some sanity to our lives and that was good enough for me. I went because of him but stayed for me. There is always hope we have no idea what God has planned for us. good luck keep the focus on your recovery. bye for now Louise
(((Lost)))
I am only going to repeat what others have said, keep coming back.
Sometimes the "A" rages when we attend alanon because they don't know what alanon is all about. I am not going to pretend to know what your "A" is thinking, just something I have seen before.
You will be in my prayers
DolphinLur
There is only ONE question you need to ask yourself and once you KNOW the answer in your heart to this question, the choice becomes empowering and is yours to take... What is is YOU NEED and feel you DESERVE? Been there and done that-- it wasn't until I realized I deserved and needed a loving, kind, compassionate relationship in which what I gave was reciprocated that I was able to make the decision to walk away. It also wasn't until I was able to overcome the sense of feeling sorry for my ex for his disease that he wasn't too worried about that I could also walk away..... People at any realms who get in their feeling sorry for themselves mood, but yet choose to not consider help is THEIR choice. Disease of not, WE ALL have issues-- it is how we choose to respond to our issues that make us who and what we are..... An alcoholic is NO different.
Take Care! HUGGGGGGGSSSSSS
-- Edited by sanddie at 22:01, 2005-04-29
Thank you for all your thoughts shared. Knowing i am not alone is reassuring and helps me to get up on my feet, continue on my way to peace, with or without my husband. At this very moment---it is looking more like without him is the way this is headed---and while i do not look forward to the fall out, the anger and hateful remarks-- i feel at this moment like i will be okay. Taking care of myself is new to me--i am sure every one of you can relate. It feels really good though. The post that talks about the one question i need to ask mysefl---was much appreciated. My answer, similar to yours is that i deserve a kind, compassionate and reciprical relationship--- When reading the posts, I have often felt that my stance about not wanting to live this way anymore is a bad one---that all i have to do is work on myself and i will learn how to live---but i don't agree. that may jsut be a state of mind right now, but i suddenly realize how much i deserve and wonder if detaching and showing compassion for my husband will in the end provide me with what i deserve or just teach me how to live without it.
It sounds like you might know about the detachment stuff. I am not a proponent of the detachment stuff, so please take this as so. By now you have told him to go, right? When did you do it? Now you have a chance to begin the most awesome relationship that you can ever have… a honest to goodness self-relationship. There is no doubt in my mind at all, when you do that, a reciprocating ‘other’ relationship will seem bloom out of nowhere and as always been there waiting for your self-relationship.
Hugs & Luv,
