I was referred for adoption because my biological father was an alcoholic who was in and out of prison, homeless, etc.

I made the decision a long time ago that I never wanted to meet my biological parents (this was before I knew ANYTHING about them); But when my biological father wrote a letter to me through the adoption agency, an idea was born. I asked if we could correspond anonymously through the agency. And that's just what we did. 

Here is a man who was so drunk most days, that he couldn't hold a job, he was occasionally homeless, and he had his own revolving door at a federal prison. What I saw in his letters was an intelligent, spiritual man who was afflicted with a horrible disease.

I have decided to try to write and publish a book about it.  I count myself very fortunate that everything turned out the way it did.  I was raised by a loving family; and through our letters, I got to know the wonderful man who helped give me life.  Had things been different... had they kept me, how would I have viewed him?

It's kind of strange putting something so personal out there... you just hope it's received well.

But I really want to put a positive story about adoption out there.  And I like how this also shows the person behind the alcoholic.  He was a beautiful writer.  A loving man.  A poet.

 

Since you are obviously also affected by someone who is an alcoholic, I would greatly value your input, questions, or feedback.  Please feel free to read more, and leave comments at http://abetterlifebook.blogspot.com/.

Thank you.  God bless you!

-- Edited by Parker at 14:00, 2005-04-29

-- Edited by Parker at 14:02, 2005-04-29

(((Parker)))

I find your post interesting.  I don't think that all alcoholics are horible people, infact when taken the time and meet them through recovery I find that the ones I have met are very loving caring people who have done some very horible things.  Alcoholism is a horible disease and when it takes over it is like that person has no control over their actions and reactions.  Just last night I went to an open AA meeting with a speaker and found it very intersting and helpful being the wife of an alcoholic and someone who grew up with and alcoholic father. I saw an amazing man who truely deeply loved and respected his family. He was well versed and a great role modle for new commers. Deep down inside with out the alcohol speaking/taking over my husband is a loving caring person that hurts so much and carries so much guilt and shame that I recognise but really have no clue as to how deep it actually goes. The man I fell in love with at 17 is now a complete stranger in away when I reminise about our younger years and see the person that sleeps with me every night.

I would also like you to know that we have 2 children that think their dad is the most wonderful person in the world and they love him unconditionally. There are many times when I have felt guilt about bringing children into this but thank god every day that I have my kids. As a mother caught in the middle of my morals and alcoholism it is a struggle every day. Al anon is helpping me with this and the dear friends that I have come to love here as well.

I think that your book is a great idea. I hope that you get good information from us al anoners as well as the alcoholics as well. Best of luck with you book.

JJ

PS once an alcoholic always an alcoholic the battle that an alcoholic faces never goes away it is a daily thing for them.

-- Edited by jj at 13:28, 2005-04-29

I wholeheartedly agree with you - Alcoholics are NOT horrible people.  The disease is horribly devastating.

When I asked the question:  Would I view him differently?  It came out of a conversation I had with a gal the other day who was raised by an abusive, alcoholic father.  She found his diary and was tortured about whether to read it.  She was wishing, hoping, that she'd find something in there that would tell her why he was the way he was... but more importantly, she wanted some clue that he loved her.  That's her story.

Contrast that with mine - reading his letters... I was only exposed to the beauty, not the ugliness.

All of our stories are different.  We're all unique.  But in sharing them we can help each other learn and grow from our different experiences.

I think sometimes people out there hold stereotypes about who an alcoholic is - or take the alcoholism out of it - and picture this...

Picture yourself watching the evening news.  A white male, late 40's/early 50's robbed a bank today.  Who is this white male?  Many might be surprised to learn that he's a college educated (even went to law school), articulate, spiritual man.

There is so much more beneath the surface.

I'm one of those people who believes there is good in everyone.  It may not always be immediately obvious, but if you give that person a moment, you may just find it.

Parker,  I read your letters and all I can say is WOW!!!  Your attitude is wonderful! Also your encouragement to your biological father is great!

I have no idea what my life would have been like with out alcoholism in it as it completely surrounds me on both sides of my family. (dad, both grandfathers, uncles,cousions) My husbands famliy the same way (his dad uncles anunts cousions). It was "normal" I also came close to falling into the habbit and still enjoy the taste of some alcohol to much but realize that my addictive personality needs to be in check. I am not saying that I have a problem but in my recovery have noticed that it could have very well been a problem. I "grew up" became responsible when I had my first child. I am greatful that I found alanon.

My perspective on my child hood is a confusing one. Full of what I like to call black holes and what I remember is mostly from pictures and a day here and there. My dad was abusive only to me which to this day I don't understand other than we are to mch a like an dI called him on his behavior instead of keeping my mouth shut. However if the things in my past did not happen I would not have met my best friend at 11 who is my husbands sister, also I became a strong willed person that strives very hard to accomplish everything on my own. I think I was one of the lucky ones because I moved out at a very young age and instead of being out of control and following in my dads foot steps I finished school, graduated with honors and became very sucessfull young adult. I also think that had the things that happened to me in the past not have happened to me I would not be the mother that I am. I am the first to admit that I am a very insecure mother and tend to be over protective because I do know the horible things that happen to kids and decuided to be a stay at home mom and do the best that I can to raise my kids.  Many my critisise me because I have stayed with my husband and I rationalize this alot for their sake and stay for many reasons. ie when I am with their dad I can protect them where as if we were seporated his visitation or weekends I could not observe what goes on. Things like that.  Also I have a better understanding of alcoholism and can educate my kids they way I was not.

For me aswell I have known my husband from a very young age and hold on to the hope that he finds sobriety when he is ready because with out the alcohol he really is wonderful and has the potential to be a great father.

Something else that I have noticed is that every guy/man I have been atracted to has been an addict or an alcoholic and I truely believe that it has alot to do with my upbringing.

Today I am being very kind to my husband where as if you read back it may sound like I contradict myself a bit. I often go back and forth as to wheather I should stay. Al anon has given me back some of my sanity and it has saved me in many ways. As with my spiritual awakening and my true belief that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. My HP works in mysterious ways and noticing all that I have I am greatful for my life all of it.

I hope that my responding to you helps. I would like to thank you for sharing your story.

JJ

JJ -

Thank you for sharing your story!  Wow!  Good for you! 

On so much daytime television, you see all these people who see themselves as victims... they can't get over what happened to them in their childhood.  Heck -I see a lot of people who were raised by wonderful families, but can't get over the fact that they were "given up" for adoption!

But we all have a choice as adults on where to go from here.  And you chose to graduate (with honors!) and become a successful young adult!  That is so awesome!

You sound like a great person with a good head on your shoulders!  And while there are sure to be struggles ahead - your sense of self-worth, and a higher power are sure to pull you through!

Thanks again!

Hello Parker , you are a very lucky young man and so is your father. So nice to hear about children connecting with a  lost parent. Am very happy for you that u found a loving and caring family to call your own.    This is  a disease and it destroys peoples lives the drinker and those of us who love them.  The AA and Al-Anon program brings life back into focus for us so we can lead productive happy lives without resentments.   Good luck with your book Parker.    Louise

Thanks so much.  I appreciate it.