Well something I have realized is that in the past 2 weeks is that I haven't picked up a book or read any literature when in fact I SHOULD have been. My new found tools have helpped me as have all of you but doing some reading would have also helpped. Any way after my meeting the other night SIL and I went to another members house and she gave us many, many books and speaker tapes to listen to. One book inparticular was "From survival to recovery"  I realized many things from child hood that were explained in the book and another is that alot of my memory is lost some where in a BIG BLACK hole. Kind of weird how memory is so selective. It is like one day here and there and then all of a sudden it goes to my late teens and adult hood. Pretty much all a blure. I am here because of my husband but never thought that the things I have already forgiven and come to terms with concerning my parents would be comming up.  Just something that I am noticing. It is not bothering me or upsetting me which is good.

So through all of this medical crap I have had a huge spiritual awakening and have handed my life and the out come over to HP which at first was hard because of just how emotional I was. Another thing is that when I shared about everything that is going on and how it is so painful to see my husband pull away and dismiss my health problem even though I know to accept that his actions are because of the disease, it still hurts.  I am slowly getting past that and being more gentle with him instead of being so bothered by it.  Something that came out with out me expecting it was that I love too much and it intensifies the pain I feel so in my reaction to protect myself I shut down and find it easier to just not feel. This is my cycle and I realized that wow it hurts him and makes him feel unwanted like I do.  2 wrongs don't make a right!!!  I also analyze him which is sooo wrong, rather than just accepting the situation for what it is. You know what I see now.  HIS  PAIN,  HIS GUILT plain and simple and it was just from one very emotional share.

So back to reading and learning about myself and my recovery.  Recovery meaning more than just my alanon recovery.

My doctor still hasn't phoned me which I know is a good sign but he was supposed to phone with results good or bad.  Mom is comming to take me back to the hospital early Saturday morning.  The weekend is going to be so fun with all the testing every 2 hours and such.  Saturday is day 10 of treatment and the strict eating and taking pills should be over yaa hoo!!  So I am keeping my fingers crossed and praying for the best out come!!!

I want to share this with you SIL sent it to me.

Some of your hurts you have cured, And the sharpest you've even survived, But what torments of grief you've endured From evils which never arrived.   Love your friend
JJ  

Stay strong jj, you are doing brilliantly.  You have a lot to cope with at the moment, but remember that our HPs never give us more than we can deal with.

Good luck this coming weekend with the tests - another reminder - just keep telling yourself that "this too shall pass".  And it will and before you know it, it will all be over and you will be back home.

Stay strong, get well.   I shall be thinking of you.      Sheila

Hello jj,

I am so glad you are doing much better :) Let us know how your tests go on Saturday. I understand the blacked out childhood. I have a year of my childhood blacked out and I know why. I was molested during that time but am not sure of all the details. When my children were the age I was when my abuse happened, I began to experience intense feelings, body memories and flashbacks. I then had alot of therapy over the years and was involved in a sexual abuse recovery therapy group too. The thing is to not take too much time out of your day to try and uncover the past or it ruins the days moments we experience. That is if a person can do that.

It is great that your mom can be with you when you go to the hospital for tests. I hope she is a good support for you :) I haven't had my parents around much in my life since I moved away from Az but as you know I will get them back into my life very soon. I am trying to see the positive and will take one day at a time. Yes, we do need to feel that compassion for the alcoholic when we can. It does help if they do work their program but if they don't, then the detatchment with love is so needed. Our future is determined by us and our HP. Only we will know if and when we feel we need to end a relationship. Until then, the alanon program sure helps us live a much happier, healthier life.  your friend in recovery, cdb :)

jj, I'm sorry I don't know your story of med problems, I've only been here a few days. Good luck anyway.I know what you mean about blacked out childhood. I come from a family of 7 kids, I only know most of my childhood from listening to my sibs remembering and from pictures. My Mom has these pictures of us all picnicing at a lake. Us kids are are grubby and smiling so we must have had a good time.I was about 8 or 9 and don't remember it at all. For some reason those pictures upset me about not remembering, I think because we all look so happy.But I don't dwell on it, nor do I look at the pictures very often.  whatif?  

I hope you get good news, but sometimes no news is good news! 

  One for today!

         One for tomorrow!