Friends for 7 years and in a relationship 3 years (not exactly started on the right terms...), my boyfriend has been in AA for 9 months. I was caught off-guard this weekend after he told me he was not sure I was the one and not sure if he loved me, although he cared about me more than I knew. He said he was not leaving right now, but needed to sort some things out. I gave everything over to my HP, but is this normal recovering AA behavior?
wallsal55 said
Apr 26, 2005
They have to figure out who they are and what they want in sobriety. The best thing for you to do is work your program and concentrate on you. Any self-improvement you need to do or even self care regarding rest, health, anything you have neglected or put off. Become strong enough to get to know yourself well enough that you know you will be fine with or without him, no matter what he decides. (Yes, it can be typical behavior for them to keep you guessing and it can drive you insane if you let it.)
she123 said
Apr 26, 2005
Who knows what is deemed "normal" in an A's recovery, any more than in an Alanon's recovery. We are all unique yet share so many similarities.
I'm the last person to give any one advice - I can't even follow my own!! So I have to go back to the Alanon programme. Keep the focus on yourself. Let him work his own programme. If you are happy to give him time to work out what he wants to do, then wait. If you are not happy with that then don't hang around. Set your boundaries. Do what you want to do.
There are no guidelines when dealing with alcoholics whether they are in recovery or not. It's down to you. What YOU want. How YOU want to spend the rest of your life. But also bear in mind "When in Doubt - do nothing". You must be feeling very hurt at the moment. You've supported him and suddenly he is saying he may not need you now.
Stay strong. Pray for Courage to do the right thing. Yes of course pray to your Higher Power and hand things over, but don't be a doormat. Don't ever forget that you are a very special person. You are not a prop. You want a partnership. An equal partnership. You are not his nursemaid or his mother. You have needs and you need support from him just as much as he does from you.
Stay strong. Sheila
Dolphin123 said
Apr 26, 2005
First I want to say "Let go and Let God", i heard that in your message, and good for you.
Second, I have been with my "A" for 8 years now. Four years ago he went through a try at his recovery. We split up, because he thought I was too co-dependent. It hurt, it hurt so badly, but I worked my program even more. After two months he gave me a call. Wanted to come over to see his daughter and check on his unborn child. I prayed "Let Go and Let God" and the Serentiy Prayer were constantly flowing through my mind. This program gave me the power to let the chips fall were the may. We became friends again, and almost a year after the break-up the friendship and we got back together.
I know that when I first came to alanon, I had no clue who I was, and the sam was true for my "A", he had no clue who he was.
The hardest thing for me to accept was that if we were meant to be, then we would be. If not, I would have to let that go. The greatest thing I learned, was that my higher power would never give me more than I was able to handle, and that he was always there.
Keep working the program.
If you want to chat I am here.
DolphinLur
jo4 said
Apr 26, 2005
yes, and dolphin the same thing happened to me.
i had left my A when he found recovery.
but 6 months later, he couldn't even say he loved me. cause he wasn't sure what that was. i let him go completely at that point and dove into my program of recovery.
2 years later, after dating others and realizing he understood what love was, he came back asking if we could go to counselling and try again.
we are back together now for 2 years. both deeply involved in our programs.
letting go is the hardest thing i have ever done. letting go, means not lingering or hanging around or waiting to see if they come back. it is living with the expectation that they won't come back. focussing on yourself at this time is the best. let him sort out his feelings. he is not used to feeling feelings :). trust in the program. your Higher Power knows what is best for you. TRust Him.
hugs, jo
melanieL said
Apr 27, 2005
Hi,
I'm going through the same as you, My A left me whilst still drinking 3 years ago, he is now in early recovery and saying he loves me but doesnt know if he is in love me as he does know what love is, and how can he love someone else when he doesnt love himself. Everyone keeps saying to me let go and let god, and this is what I am now going to try and do, what other choice do we have. I love him deeply and it breaks my heart , but i know its the right thing to do. If i dont he will just keeping hurting me and himself. Your know instictively to what the right choice for you will be, just listen to your inner voice .
mel
vargasl said
Apr 27, 2005
I realize I keep looking for alternatives and ignoring my inner voice. We got honest with each other last night and I had my first spiritual experience. In 2 1/2 hours I truly did steps 1-3 and am going back to my half-ass 4th step and really delving into how I contributed. We shared secrets and the deceit we have been harboring for too long. I don't know what the future will breing, but last night, I Let Go and Let God. I actually slept last night. It was simple, I listened and took direction from God. The only answer IS to work my program and let him work his. If God's will is for us to be together we must be whole to have a successful relationship. Painful truths, but needed to move forward. I was just going through the motions and then God spoke through an Earth Angel last night at an open AA meeting. I love my 'A' but we must know how to love ourselves and learn to really LOVE each other if it is meant to be. This was the right and only thing to do...it hurt, but I am happy and relieved this morning. I haven't felt like this in such a LONG time. Thank you.
TLC2 said
Apr 27, 2005
This program is soo great in every aspect of our lives!! I just wish I had found it years ago. I have finally been learning that you can't really love some-one if you are not a whole person. I am finally finding myself, learning to enjoy and like myself. Through with just being an extension of some-one else!! Sometimes I like this person that is me, sometimes I don't. I am a work in progress, with still so much to learn! Thanks for the reminder!! TLC
sooner said
Apr 27, 2005
Hi vargasl and welcome!
Is that normal AA recovery behavior? Yes. I'ts normal recovery behavior for both programs. It is very stressfull on relationships when one or both parties gets serious about recovery. In my case the foundations of our relationship were rooted in sickness. As we got better then the very ground beneath our feet gave way. The thread of this disease was woven through the relationship and held it together with some really sick behaior patterns. As that thread fell apart so did the relationship...we didn't know how to inter-act with each other anymore. I think that's why they say don't make any major decisions for the first year in this program. I was too unstable and everything kept constantly changing. In my case we needed to decide if we wanted to build something new since the two people who built the current relationship didn't exist anymore. There is a real sadness to that. I beleive if there are enough feelings and some willingness then we can build something new and better. We shall se.
A lot of my freinds in the program have sucessfully worked through this problem and the feelings came back and everything is now better than ever. For others, the relationship perished. You sound like you will know when and what to do.
Sooner :)
-- Edited by sooner at 17:04, 2005-04-27
-- Edited by sooner at 17:10, 2005-04-27
vargasl said
Apr 27, 2005
Our relationship was built on the same thread and now is unravelling. One day at a time. My 'A' comes back from a business trip tomorrow and I must let go and let God as we start this process in earnest.
AlaMom said
Apr 27, 2005
Yes it is normal. My husband who is sober about 7 mons is starting to look at things differently himself. And looking at our relationship. Something I did several months ago myself in my recovery. I know that I was questioning everything. But fortunately on my end I found the way back to my husband. He has been going through the same process. He is starting to come to the same realizations . He is growing in his recovery. What worked for him before may not work now. All I can do is let him grow. We have become different people in our recovey. Now we begin the journey of coming together again as a family.
I turn it over every day to my HP and accept what will be will be. It for me is the way to keep my serenity. My HP knows what is best for me - loves me - and will keep me safe no matter what.
Who knows what is deemed "normal" in an A's recovery, any more than in an Alanon's recovery. We are all unique yet share so many similarities.
I'm the last person to give any one advice - I can't even follow my own!! So I have to go back to the Alanon programme. Keep the focus on yourself. Let him work his own programme. If you are happy to give him time to work out what he wants to do, then wait. If you are not happy with that then don't hang around. Set your boundaries. Do what you want to do.
There are no guidelines when dealing with alcoholics whether they are in recovery or not. It's down to you. What YOU want. How YOU want to spend the rest of your life. But also bear in mind "When in Doubt - do nothing". You must be feeling very hurt at the moment. You've supported him and suddenly he is saying he may not need you now.
Stay strong. Pray for Courage to do the right thing. Yes of course pray to your Higher Power and hand things over, but don't be a doormat. Don't ever forget that you are a very special person. You are not a prop. You want a partnership. An equal partnership. You are not his nursemaid or his mother. You have needs and you need support from him just as much as he does from you.
Stay strong. Sheila
First I want to say "Let go and Let God", i heard that in your message, and good for you.
Second, I have been with my "A" for 8 years now. Four years ago he went through a try at his recovery. We split up, because he thought I was too co-dependent. It hurt, it hurt so badly, but I worked my program even more. After two months he gave me a call. Wanted to come over to see his daughter and check on his unborn child. I prayed "Let Go and Let God" and the Serentiy Prayer were constantly flowing through my mind. This program gave me the power to let the chips fall were the may. We became friends again, and almost a year after the break-up the friendship and we got back together.
I know that when I first came to alanon, I had no clue who I was, and the sam was true for my "A", he had no clue who he was.
The hardest thing for me to accept was that if we were meant to be, then we would be. If not, I would have to let that go. The greatest thing I learned, was that my higher power would never give me more than I was able to handle, and that he was always there.
Keep working the program.
If you want to chat I am here.
DolphinLur
yes, and dolphin the same thing happened to me.
i had left my A when he found recovery.
but 6 months later, he couldn't even say he loved me. cause he wasn't sure what that was. i let him go completely at that point and dove into my program of recovery.
2 years later, after dating others and realizing he understood what love was, he came back asking if we could go to counselling and try again.
we are back together now for 2 years. both deeply involved in our programs.
letting go is the hardest thing i have ever done. letting go, means not lingering or hanging around or waiting to see if they come back. it is living with the expectation that they won't come back. focussing on yourself at this time is the best. let him sort out his feelings. he is not used to feeling feelings :). trust in the program. your Higher Power knows what is best for you. TRust Him.
hugs, jo
Hi,
I'm going through the same as you, My A left me whilst still drinking 3 years ago, he is now in early recovery and saying he loves me but doesnt know if he is in love me as he does know what love is, and how can he love someone else when he doesnt love himself. Everyone keeps saying to me let go and let god, and this is what I am now going to try and do, what other choice do we have. I love him deeply and it breaks my heart , but i know its the right thing to do. If i dont he will just keeping hurting me and himself. Your know instictively to what the right choice for you will be, just listen to your inner voice .
mel
-- Edited by sooner at 17:04, 2005-04-27
-- Edited by sooner at 17:10, 2005-04-27
Yes it is normal. My husband who is sober about 7 mons is starting to look at things differently himself. And looking at our relationship. Something I did several months ago myself in my recovery. I know that I was questioning everything. But fortunately on my end I found the way back to my husband. He has been going through the same process. He is starting to come to the same realizations . He is growing in his recovery. What worked for him before may not work now. All I can do is let him grow. We have become different people in our recovey. Now we begin the journey of coming together again as a family.
I turn it over every day to my HP and accept what will be will be. It for me is the way to keep my serenity. My HP knows what is best for me - loves me - and will keep me safe no matter what.
Karen