I went to a f2f meeting tonight, not my home group, but one which I go to occasionally and always feel welcomed and find serenity.  It was a small meeting with about a dozen of us.  The Guest Speaker didn't chair on a particular topic, he simply spoke about his experience strength and hope.  At first I couldn't relate to what he was saying [he was an Adult Child and I'm not]  then my eyes focussed on the Slogan card in front of me..... Listen and Learn.   So I listened and I learned.  And I was reminded that my 17yr old grandson is experiencing many of the problems that young man experienced from his parents. 

My two daughters never saw their father drunk until they were teenagers and even then, it was only on the odd occasion.  He never drank in the home [except at parties] so they were usually in bed by the time he reeled in.  He never had hangovers, never vomited, nor fell over, never late for work, always paid his bills.  It's only now, as adults, when we talk about his mood swings, the uncertainties, embarrassments, the feelings of how he was different from their friends' fathers that we can recognise how damaged and scarred my daughters [and myself] have been from their father's alcoholism.

But my husband's mental and physical condition has now deteriorated.  He is dying.  He has secondary cancer in the liver and lungs, signs of kidney failure, ataxia, [brain damage 'thru alcohol abuse] doubly incontinent.  He is surviving on a cocktail of morphine and whisky.  We've brought him home to die. 

And my grandson is living with this.  I admire him so much.  But I've become complacent about how he is coping with this.  He quietly goes about his business.  Gets himself off to work every morning [he opted out of going to college], has good friends and a good social life.  But only god knows what this is doing to him. 

And I mustn't forget my granddaughter.  She is the daughter of my eldest girl who is a recovering alcoholic seven years sober thanks to AA. 

So tonight I listened and I learned.  I practised 'take what you like and leave the rest'.  Some things I heard tonight would in the past have triggered off feelings of intolerance and being judgemental.  But thanks to Alanon I was able to cut through that and thank the young man who shared at the f2f tonight. 

So, another lesson tonight for little she123. 

What an amazing programme of recovery this is!!!    love to you all.

 

Hello She - and I agree with you 100% - Thanks to sponsoring Alateen for a few yrs I was given a better understanding of what my sons must have felt like growing  up in our home. It was a real eyeopener for me as I truly believed i had protected them from this rotten disease, I wondered how I could have been so arrogant ,to believe that for yrs. 

We have several adult children in our meetings here and as I listen and look around the table i see alot of Al-Anon members very uncomfortable with what they are hearing , today i know it's our own guilt that makes us feel uneasy as a Adult child is sharring. I have the priveldge of sponsoring  a few adult children , and a few of us who married into this disease , I encourage the ACOA's to continue to speak up and talk from their hearts, we  other members will just have to learn to deal with the pain we feel as we listen.

We all did the best we could at the time, who knew this disease would cause so much pain? I have learned as we know better we do better. I am grateful to my husb who in sobriety has learned to listen to our sons and how they felt growing up in our home. I too have ask them to share with me, it is painful to hear but necessary to thier recovery and mine.  Al-Anon has given us all the gift of being heard and i am very grateful.     Love Louise

Sheila love, I was just wondering about you and your A and you appeared here. I have missed you popping into the chat room. I am so sorry your husband is so sick. Please give him a kiss on the forehead for me. You have been such an inspiration for me. Sheila I love my A more than ever, and now am very detached from the disease. His disease is his business, all I have to do is love the man. And alanon taught me how. He does not live with me, but that is ok. I go see him and check on him. He is very sick as usual. U no how that goes. I wish this disease did not rob you of your man. But you hung in there and cared for him as your are now. I hope I will be allowed to do the same for mine. He does come and stay up here and we do fine. Bu the has to go back to take care of his mom who has dementia. Plus his anger comes out of nowhere and that is my boundary. I immediatly have him leave or I take him home. I am never mad, I will just miss him. Anyway I am telling you this becuz you helped me to get to this serene place. Sheila I have my home and am secure. took so much work. If you don't remember me I have a farm sanctuary in Oregon. My pig is Estersue. Anyway I have prayed for you guys so often. I am so glad you are here. You are so important to so many of us. please keep us updated. Please do kiss your a for me Sheila and hug yourself for me. If you ever want to visit the US come see me. You can come stay and belly rub piggies with me. love,debilyn

Hi She - How right you are. I, also used to feel uncomfortable when the share was different. The program has taugh me that I can learn from each one. I have also learned that the person sharing needs to talk and whether I relate or not my listening gives support and love. So by listening I have done what I need to do to be a part of this great program. Listen and Learn - thanks for the reminder. Love in Recovery - Dot ((((((((((She)))))))))))

Hi She,

Thank you for your post.  You are articulating some of my fears.  My fears that my children have been quietly dealing with this disease, yet to me, seem in denial.  All I can do, is let go and let God and know that when the students are ready, the teacher will appear.

Thank you,

Maria123