I'm having a bad day. Nothing seems to be going right yet nothing specifically today has gone bad.
I guess I'm just frustrated because first I didn't get a job as a community advisor in the dorm I wanted, then I pretty much didn't get the job at all(I'm an alternate, but not many people turn down the job), and it seems like all I have to look forward to this summer is 60hr work weeks for not much money, only to spend it all on school and things that have nothing to do with entertainment(and I know I have to do it, I guess I just get jealous of some of my friends sometimes, and now is one of those times I've been getting jealous) Then I'm preparing my senior recital music and I can't seem to get it right, and today we spent my entire lesson on something I should have been able to get in about 5 sec, and I kept getting more and more frustrated and it kept getting worse and worse, I ended up crying in my lesson because I got so frustrated... I NEVER DO THAT, its embarrassing to me and I hate it. Today is just one of those days I just want to crawl into bed and pretend it never happend, and yet none of it seems that bad.
Yet I'll keep going because I have another class, plus a 2hr video to watch for conducting and a recital to go to before I have a chance to sit down and do my homework before bed so I can get up and go from 8am to at least 9pm before homework time. I guess I just need to let it go.
thanks for reading.
~TC
sanddie said
Apr 25, 2005
WOW, I feel like I'm reading my life.... With work and school, raising the children, rarely feeling like time with friends will occur. I have a year remaining in school (about 9 courses) and there are moments I wonder what it is all for and what is going to come out of such discipline. The last thing I want is to finish school with a degree with nobody to share it with in celebrating, as most of the friends I know celebrate by drinking and partying or are in relationships fighting and arguing-- which takes away from ever having anyone that can be with me during a joyous time. I've gone back and forth on these feelings until I came to a realization that I am doing this ONLY FOR ME and to set an example for my children. In turn, it became quite clear that the discipline I maintain in myself has guided me closer to God and forming a relationship with Him.
What I have discovered is that the more I get into my study, the more I find myself reflecting on the emotions that I've dealt with all my life that have typically got me into unhealthy relationships. I am learning who I am with my success in school and in turn, also learning my fears, my anxieties as they present themselves. In turn, I am learning that this time is EXACTLY where God wants me to be to learn ME and comfort ME. Until I am able to comfort me and be at peace in THE situation I am in right now in struggling to get through school and being alone doing so, I will not be able to be at peace in anything else in my life. :)))
This feel in my heart that this is a blessing in disguise and although unexplainable, wondering why when we try our best we are most alone and separated from others it is this time where I am NOW, in where I had been in so many other cirumstances throughout my life that I realize it is THIS time that I am truly grateful and accepting of myself.
Hang in there trumpetchic and remember, God works ALL things for good.. I have a song that a friend sent me that is awesome. I would like to share the lyrics with you, but don't have them right now. I'll post them shortly, as I cannot find them on the internet anywhere either so am waiting for an email from him.... Please do check back to read those lyrics, as I found they were VERY insightful for me and helped deal with much of what you've expressed here as well.
Oh, and by the way, there have been several evenings after having worked 8 hours, then school 4.5 hours, while on my hour ride home from school, not getting home til 11-11:30 pm at night on those nights, that I almost had to pull over just because of the tears that would start as I thought of all of what you explained in your post. There have also been many times that during a quiz, I just go blank and feel like just breaking down while in class. Although, this might be medically related and I will be going to be seeing a Neurologist in a few weeks because of that... However, I'm hoping it's just because of all the pressure and busy schedule I have, along with the stress rather than an actual medical condition. Stress can do so much to a person. :)
Ultimately, the thing that brings me back is focusing on the realization of how much I enjoy what I am doing-- learning and studying. I have always been different since I was a young child and teenager, as much as I wanted to be with friends, often while they were drinking and partying, I would go my own way during that time because I felt awkward-- that wasn't what I wanted.. However, even then it would mean a decision to be alone. As as adult now, I've realized that is EXACTLY the difference in how healthy I am now compared to then. Then, I would walk away thinking something was wrong with ME. Now, I choose differently--- to pursue my education and grow individual and NOT be someone I do not want to be just to be accepted. :)))
-- Edited by sanddie at 17:01, 2005-04-25
abbyal said
Apr 25, 2005
Hi - maybe u need a TLC day only this time it's for you. : )
Just do things that make u feel good about you , a stinky bubble bath a good book, out to a movie or god forbid take a nap in the middle of the day. for me the min I start thinking about what I don't have I am in big trouble, sink further into the pity pot. What works for me is a good old fashioned Gratitude list. take a pen and paper and write down the things u are grateful for, starting with finding this program. you will be amazed how on a bad day a look at your list will brighten a bad day. I was told to take 15 min a day and worry or feel sorry for me then give it up and get on with it. hehe good luck and remember This Too Shall Pass.
good luck Louise
trumpetchic18 said
Apr 25, 2005
Thanks so much for your input. I emailed my mom, who is also in the program, because some days you just need your mom, and she told me to do the exact same thing. She told me to find a few minutes to myself. Luckily after I posted this(several hours later) I realized that one of my classes is cancelled for the rest of the semester(we had our performance) so I have tomorrow afternoon free, and I think I'm going to go take a short hike, so I can regain my calm and reconnect with my HP. I haven't been able to do that in a long time.
I know this is what I want to do, and this is where I need to be. I hate getting to where I have been today, I usually know better and use my program tools before I get to the point where I am today. But I didn't, I didn't let go, I didn't hand it over to God and I screwed up, but it will be ok. Tomorrow is a new day, the next minute is a new minute. I guess this is just another opportunity to have a good long chat with my HP.
~TC
Christy said
Apr 25, 2005
...and isn't it ironic that HP gave you tomorrow to spend with him?...just when you need it most.
Jeannie said
Apr 25, 2005
Trumpetchick,
Enjoy the hike.
Take time to enjoy the renewal of springtime. Sometimes a walk in the fresh air is just what is needed to remind us of all the beauty that is out there, and what it is really all about.
You deserve it.
Love Jeannie
fiona123 said
Apr 26, 2005
Hi Trumpet chic
Thank you for sharing your journey
I was a music and drama student in school ... and you reminded me of what it was like
in the end ...it was all worth it ...my education is one of my proudest achievments ....I had illness in my family which precluded my using my training to its fullest *sighs* so that is my silly regret
you sound like a remarkable young woman of talent drive and determination , and as boring and old fashioned as those things sound .... every time I have employed them , they have paid off
it is so wonderful to see someone young who has all that AND a program of recovery as well ...
I think your future sounds very wonderful and it also sounds like you are doing a damned fine job of handeling the present , a day at a time
one HELL of a lot better than I was able to do in my 20s 30s and most of my 40s you are way ahead of the pack , as i see it
WOW, I feel like I'm reading my life.... With work and school, raising the children, rarely feeling like time with friends will occur. I have a year remaining in school (about 9 courses) and there are moments I wonder what it is all for and what is going to come out of such discipline. The last thing I want is to finish school with a degree with nobody to share it with in celebrating, as most of the friends I know celebrate by drinking and partying or are in relationships fighting and arguing-- which takes away from ever having anyone that can be with me during a joyous time. I've gone back and forth on these feelings until I came to a realization that I am doing this ONLY FOR ME and to set an example for my children. In turn, it became quite clear that the discipline I maintain in myself has guided me closer to God and forming a relationship with Him.
What I have discovered is that the more I get into my study, the more I find myself reflecting on the emotions that I've dealt with all my life that have typically got me into unhealthy relationships. I am learning who I am with my success in school and in turn, also learning my fears, my anxieties as they present themselves. In turn, I am learning that this time is EXACTLY where God wants me to be to learn ME and comfort ME. Until I am able to comfort me and be at peace in THE situation I am in right now in struggling to get through school and being alone doing so, I will not be able to be at peace in anything else in my life. :)))
This feel in my heart that this is a blessing in disguise and although unexplainable, wondering why when we try our best we are most alone and separated from others it is this time where I am NOW, in where I had been in so many other cirumstances throughout my life that I realize it is THIS time that I am truly grateful and accepting of myself.
Hang in there trumpetchic and remember, God works ALL things for good.. I have a song that a friend sent me that is awesome. I would like to share the lyrics with you, but don't have them right now. I'll post them shortly, as I cannot find them on the internet anywhere either so am waiting for an email from him.... Please do check back to read those lyrics, as I found they were VERY insightful for me and helped deal with much of what you've expressed here as well.
Oh, and by the way, there have been several evenings after having worked 8 hours, then school 4.5 hours, while on my hour ride home from school, not getting home til 11-11:30 pm at night on those nights, that I almost had to pull over just because of the tears that would start as I thought of all of what you explained in your post. There have also been many times that during a quiz, I just go blank and feel like just breaking down while in class. Although, this might be medically related and I will be going to be seeing a Neurologist in a few weeks because of that... However, I'm hoping it's just because of all the pressure and busy schedule I have, along with the stress rather than an actual medical condition. Stress can do so much to a person. :)
Ultimately, the thing that brings me back is focusing on the realization of how much I enjoy what I am doing-- learning and studying. I have always been different since I was a young child and teenager, as much as I wanted to be with friends, often while they were drinking and partying, I would go my own way during that time because I felt awkward-- that wasn't what I wanted.. However, even then it would mean a decision to be alone. As as adult now, I've realized that is EXACTLY the difference in how healthy I am now compared to then. Then, I would walk away thinking something was wrong with ME. Now, I choose differently--- to pursue my education and grow individual and NOT be someone I do not want to be just to be accepted. :)))
-- Edited by sanddie at 17:01, 2005-04-25
Hi - maybe u need a TLC day only this time it's for you. : )
Just do things that make u feel good about you , a stinky bubble bath a good book, out to a movie or god forbid take a nap in the middle of the day. for me the min I start thinking about what I don't have I am in big trouble, sink further into the pity pot. What works for me is a good old fashioned Gratitude list. take a pen and paper and write down the things u are grateful for, starting with finding this program. you will be amazed how on a bad day a look at your list will brighten a bad day. I was told to take 15 min a day and worry or feel sorry for me then give it up and get on with it. hehe good luck and remember This Too Shall Pass.
good luck Louise
Thanks so much for your input. I emailed my mom, who is also in the program, because some days you just need your mom, and she told me to do the exact same thing. She told me to find a few minutes to myself. Luckily after I posted this(several hours later) I realized that one of my classes is cancelled for the rest of the semester(we had our performance) so I have tomorrow afternoon free, and I think I'm going to go take a short hike, so I can regain my calm and reconnect with my HP. I haven't been able to do that in a long time.
I know this is what I want to do, and this is where I need to be. I hate getting to where I have been today, I usually know better and use my program tools before I get to the point where I am today. But I didn't, I didn't let go, I didn't hand it over to God and I screwed up, but it will be ok. Tomorrow is a new day, the next minute is a new minute. I guess this is just another opportunity to have a good long chat with my HP.
~TC
Trumpetchick,
Enjoy the hike.
Take time to enjoy the renewal of springtime. Sometimes a walk in the fresh air is just what is needed to remind us of all the beauty that is out there, and what it is really all about.
You deserve it.
Love Jeannie
Hi Trumpet chic
Thank you for sharing your journey
I was a music and drama student in school ... and you reminded me of what it was like
in the end ...it was all worth it ...my education is one of my proudest achievments ....I had illness in my family which precluded my using my training to its fullest *sighs* so that is my silly regret
you sound like a remarkable young woman of talent drive and determination , and as boring and old fashioned as those things sound .... every time I have employed them , they have paid off
it is so wonderful to see someone young who has all that AND a program of recovery as well ...
I think your future sounds very wonderful and it also sounds like you are doing a damned fine job of handeling the present , a day at a time
one HELL of a lot better than I was able to do in my 20s 30s and most of my 40s you are way ahead of the pack , as i see it
WAY TO GO
God Bless
Love in recovery,
Fiona123