My first husband was a maintenance drinker too. He would start drinking around three in the afternoon ( at work! ) and come home and drink all night...quietly...until he just passed out. After screaming, fighting, demanding that he become emotional available to me, I finally hit my bottom and found alanon. My fellow alanonics told me to set my boundaries and keep the focus on myself. So I only spoke about important matters with him before 3:OO pm and kept my conversation minimal after that time. And at night I found a hobby for myself that not only kept me busy, but also added to my self esteem. I became involved in local government and volunteered to serve on a town committee. You have said that you don't want to go out at night but there are many interests that could be developed at home.
There was one problem that I encountered when I began my outside activity...at first, I was angry and resentful to him that I had to go outside of our marriage to find enjoyment in life. I detached with anger. With working the program, meeting, and a wonderful sponsor, I learned how to detach with love. My sponsor told me to look at him and see the word "sick" on his forehead. I realized that I loved him but I didn't love his sickness. It allowed me to detach from the disease with love. This detachment with love is what allowed me to stay home at night without being miserable.
Sadly, I made the choice to divorce this man whom I loved very much. This decision was my choice and I would never suggest it to anyone else. It was my choice of path to follow. We still talk often and I love him to this day...but I still don't talk with him after 3:00 pm.
Finding an activity to do that I loved to do and detaching with love made my nights sane and serene.
Wishing you love and peace in the program,
Joan
megan said
Apr 25, 2005
I sure can relate De Anna. My hardest time is 6-11 too. I have taken to working later and later (I should be done at 4 and home by 4:15).
I take my bike to the park and ride it after work now. Then by the time I am done, cleaned the bike and taken a shower it is later. But I can't today because I am fighting the tail end of a cold and yesterdays ride left me breathless.
I am very glad that you were so busy! Excellent! I find busy helps..
back to the evenings. I think if I get home tonight and he's looped I will go to the library for awhile. It is free and I can surf the internet or read the magazines.
There are cooking classes at my local food store and I am going to sign up for a class now that I have transportation.
I feel your pain and am very open to other suggestions on how to fill my evening up...Sometimes I just cannot wait for sleep to take my consciousness (sp) away......
teddybear said
Apr 25, 2005
I certainly feel for you DeAnna, and nobody says that it is easy. The focus needs to remain on you. Keeping yourself busy, as others have said, it really is the key solution to find happiness.
I know that when I got busy I did so much better. Biking, a walk every day, and as I walk I ask my HP to help me to put serenity and calm into my life. Tell yourself, I will take my life one minute at a time, and what I can not do the HP will do for me.
Whenever I go to meetings or speak to my sponsor, she brings me back to the reality of keeping the focus on myself. We logically understand that we can not change anyone, but ourself, yet we keep on trying, and it never works. I found that when I changed my attitude, he started to change slowly, because he saw that I would not accept to be treated badly anymore. I would remove myself, and do anything except be in his presence. It is very reinforcing for me, when I see that it works. When we respect ourself, and our limits, other significant others start to see the change, and treat us in accordance. What have you got to loose. When we change our attitude, we end up changing our behaviour, and also others. I hope that some of this may help you. I read the other posts, and the suggestions are really true and to the point. Be good to you, and keep the focus on yourself. "Let Go and Let God" HP. I will keep you in my prayers.
Hugs & Blessings
jj said
Apr 26, 2005
(((De anna)))
So sory that "yesterday" was so hard! I am glad that you had the support that you needed. I keep telling myself today will be a great day and hope for the best. I do really feel for you. Keep looking after you and doing all the great special things for your self!!
hugs JJ
De Anna said
Apr 27, 2005
Thanks for your replies, concern, & hugs. I will look for an evening activity!
I have left you a reply to
"today I'm angry"
-- Edited by De Anna at 14:00, 2005-04-25
Hi DeAnna,
My first husband was a maintenance drinker too. He would start drinking around three in the afternoon ( at work! ) and come home and drink all night...quietly...until he just passed out. After screaming, fighting, demanding that he become emotional available to me, I finally hit my bottom and found alanon. My fellow alanonics told me to set my boundaries and keep the focus on myself. So I only spoke about important matters with him before 3:OO pm and kept my conversation minimal after that time. And at night I found a hobby for myself that not only kept me busy, but also added to my self esteem. I became involved in local government and volunteered to serve on a town committee. You have said that you don't want to go out at night but there are many interests that could be developed at home.
There was one problem that I encountered when I began my outside activity...at first, I was angry and resentful to him that I had to go outside of our marriage to find enjoyment in life. I detached with anger. With working the program, meeting, and a wonderful sponsor, I learned how to detach with love. My sponsor told me to look at him and see the word "sick" on his forehead. I realized that I loved him but I didn't love his sickness. It allowed me to detach from the disease with love. This detachment with love is what allowed me to stay home at night without being miserable.
Sadly, I made the choice to divorce this man whom I loved very much. This decision was my choice and I would never suggest it to anyone else. It was my choice of path to follow. We still talk often and I love him to this day...but I still don't talk with him after 3:00 pm.
Finding an activity to do that I loved to do and detaching with love made my nights sane and serene.
Wishing you love and peace in the program,
Joan
I sure can relate De Anna. My hardest time is 6-11 too. I have taken to working later and later (I should be done at 4 and home by 4:15).
I take my bike to the park and ride it after work now. Then by the time I am done, cleaned the bike and taken a shower it is later. But I can't today because I am fighting the tail end of a cold and yesterdays ride left me breathless.
I am very glad that you were so busy! Excellent! I find busy helps..
back to the evenings. I think if I get home tonight and he's looped I will go to the library for awhile. It is free and I can surf the internet or read the magazines.
There are cooking classes at my local food store and I am going to sign up for a class now that I have transportation.
I feel your pain and am very open to other suggestions on how to fill my evening up...Sometimes I just cannot wait for sleep to take my consciousness (sp) away......
I certainly feel for you DeAnna, and nobody says that it is easy. The focus needs to remain on you. Keeping yourself busy, as others have said, it really is the key solution to find happiness.
I know that when I got busy I did so much better. Biking, a walk every day, and as I walk I ask my HP to help me to put serenity and calm into my life. Tell yourself, I will take my life one minute at a time, and what I can not do the HP will do for me.
Whenever I go to meetings or speak to my sponsor, she brings me back to the reality of keeping the focus on myself. We logically understand that we can not change anyone, but ourself, yet we keep on trying, and it never works. I found that when I changed my attitude, he started to change slowly, because he saw that I would not accept to be treated badly anymore. I would remove myself, and do anything except be in his presence. It is very reinforcing for me, when I see that it works. When we respect ourself, and our limits, other significant others start to see the change, and treat us in accordance. What have you got to loose. When we change our attitude, we end up changing our behaviour, and also others. I hope that some of this may help you. I read the other posts, and the suggestions are really true and to the point. Be good to you, and keep the focus on yourself. "Let Go and Let God" HP. I will keep you in my prayers.
Hugs & Blessings
(((De anna)))
So sory that "yesterday" was so hard! I am glad that you had the support that you needed. I keep telling myself today will be a great day and hope for the best. I do really feel for you. Keep looking after you and doing all the great special things for your self!!
hugs JJ