Well this is what is going on......

         Last year I met my now Fiance, John. I instantly fell in love with him.  He was respectful, polite, and responsible. I new at that time that he was in prision before for drinking and driving, and that he still drank. At that time I didn't care I drank a little on occasion so I couldn't really say that I didn't want him to drink or that I didn't want to be with him either. But now, I seems like he wants to go back to prision, he drinks and drives often, today he didn't go to work because he got drunk last night, on the same note I couldn't go to work because he left me with only 3 gallons of gas and the car was stalling, now I was supposed to start a new job today....Looks bad!! He is not being responsible and we just moved into a new house, the note is too high for me to do on my own and I don't want to leave him. I love him and don't know what to do. Even his family is irritated and him and doesn't know why I am still with him. I am so scared that I am going to either have to identify his body or start visiting him in prision. PLEASE HELP ME, GUIDE ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!!!!!!

Kelly

Dear Kelly,

 

I think you have already started in the right direction by posting on here.  You should get yourself to some face to face meetings.  Your not responsible for your partners recovery only he is.  No amount of willpower on your part is going to get him there , believe me i know I have tried.  When he is ready hopefully he will find AA but in the meantime you should get help and protect yourself.  Live your life for you .  Start meetings, read lots and you will be starting on the road to recovery .

I and many others on here have read the great book "getting them sober" i found it a great help and packed full of practical advise.

Good luck, will be thinking of you.

Mel

Hello Kelly and welcome! I don't normally give advice but you asked for it. While you can't force John to change you can give him some boundries to bump up against. You can give yourself "edges". Something that defines who and what you are about...what you will and will not put up with. John needs to know that boshu is not passive and will back up her boundries with action. Otherwise he has no reason to respect your feelings. And respect is always communicated with actions. Look at what he does not what he says. If you have not tried it yet an "intervention" is always worth a shot. Ask around and find a competent drug and alcohol counseleor. (Don't use a regular counselor you need someone who is seasoned and not fooled by their crap...A's cannot bluff a D&A counselor). Tell him your situation and see if it's pratical to attempt an intervention. He will need to meet with everyone that has any kind of influence over John and perhaps people who are affected by his drinking. That would be you, possibly partents, someone he admires, a freind ect. Anyone with influence. John needs to see a united front that he can't wiggle out of. The counselor will setup and coach everyone on the intervention. He's your hired gun so to speak. For the intervention to even have a chance of working you have to be willing to back up what you say with action. Interventions lay out a list of consequences for the addict. If you don't mean it don't even try it. I beleive it takes a year of good Al-Anon under your belt before you can say what you mean and mean what you say. So sometimes this is the start of something great...then again sometimes it fails. The bottom line is that it's a long shot and it doesn't replace the importance of Al-Anon in our lives. You are the only person you can fix. You can't fix John because you are not that powerful...none of us are. It's also good to have the counselor in your corner while you make the hard decessions about whether or not John stays in the house...if you are even going to stay with him...if you force him out when he is allowed back ect. And you will need to decide your course of action if all this fails. Are you going to stay with him? Those are all hard decesions you have to make. It's not fun and you will not have a good time. Please don't go it alone. The addicts in our lives are masters at telling us what we want to hear. We were not designed to walk this path alone...no one is. You need lots of love, help and support. People you can go to who can hear your heart and see your tears without judging you. And people who can tell you the truth in love...even when it hurts. Giving yourself as much Al-Anon as possible will guarantee your survival and will enable Kelly to make the best possible decisions for Kelly. Kelly has got to get better no matter what John does. Johns in trouble and you cannot save him. The only person you can save is yourself. That may sound cruel but that's the way it is. You need people who are for you and you will find them here. You will find love, understanding and support. I feel for you in this difficult place you are in. Thank you for sharing and please keep coming back and as always "take what you like and leave the rest" Sooner :)

-- Edited by sooner at 13:56, 2005-04-25

I'm not going to give specific advice.  But try to think in smaller terms, for the day.  Set yourself goals that can be accomplished in one day.  Small goals that will help you feel secure for the future.  Each day the more you build on it, the more secure you'll feel. 

Hi Kelly and welcome,

While you may not be able to control his drinking, you can do for you. I know myself I will not get in the car with my husband unless I am sure he has not been drinking. He has been caught several times, but his parents and a very good lawyer have always minimized the consequenses. He is convinced that he is a wonderful driver, who drives drunk better than most people drive sober.

I make sure I squirrel enough money away for the bills and I always made sure I had transportation to work. I learned not to count on him for anything.

While his family always cushioned him from the consequenses of his drinking, I got tired of suffering them.

You are not responsible for the things he does, only he is, and you will drive yourself nuts if you try and protect him.

Try and get to f2f meeting and come here to read or post often.

No matter what he does, you can make things better for you.

                   Love Jeannie

Against all the tenets of AlAnon, I am the resident advice giver here, More than once I have been chastised, but so be it. There are times when the brutal truth must be told. The "right direction" for you is out the door. It is not too late to find a new life for yourself. This man is continuing along the path of self-destruction, and you do not want to go down with him. Listen to your head and not your heart this time. You are in my prayers and positive thoughts. My best wishes, Diva

Hi,

  I read your post and it sounded like me about 3 years ago..People here gave you good advice you cant control what he does do or doesnt .You need to go to face to face meetings as many as you can cram in.We are not supose to give advice and I really dont want to , but I cant hlep my self I wish someone would of told me . Remember this is what happen to me and it is not you , pick what is right for you.

My storywas exaclty your story the prison all of it .I did not lsiten to my heart and I move in the house I coudnt afford by my self. He screwed up he lost his job and kept drinking we lost the house and I lost my job had to start over.I did get the strength and left him .

I had a break down and I continued  in alanon and I am better and I never returned..and like I said we are not suppose to give advice but if we were sisters and you told me your story on my front porch I would say run it will not get better.I would say before you are so deep you cant get out.

but please if you stay or go , get in meetings post here daily I use to go on line meetings and meetings face to face to face and here posted ..

Thanks for sharing your story Dori! :) That is pretty powerful stuff. Sooner.