i GUESS YOUR ALL ABOUT SICK OF ME , BECAUSE I AM SICK OF ME.
THE WEEKEND WENT WELL, MY EX HAD THE CHILDREN, HE HAD BEEN ABSOLUTELY HORRID TO ME ALL WEEK AND FRIDAY WAS JUST AWFUL.
HE COLLECTED KIDS DID NOT SPEAK OR LOOK AT ME, FELT AWFUL. THEN SATURDAY AND SUNDAY HE WAS NICE AGAIN. THE KIDS ENJOYED THEIR WEEKEND. WE ALL SPENT SUNDAY TOGETHER HAD A LOVELY DAY. THEN SUNDAY NIGHT HE TEXT ME AND ASKED ME TO GO OVER, I DID , OBVIOUSLY KNOWING HE WAS ASKING ME TO GO OVER TO SLEEP WITH HIM.
AFTERWARDS HE JUST WANTED ME TO GO AND DIDNT EVEN RING TO SEE IF GOT HOME SAFELY. THIS MORNING HE RANG AND SAID HE WAS FEELING ANXIOUS AND FEARFUL ABOUT LAST NIGHT. HE ISNT SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX AND HIS SPONSOR HAS ADVISED HIM TO BE CELEBATE FOR A YEAR. HE WAS FEARFUL HE HAD USED ME AND HE SAID HE HADNT RANG TO SEE IF I GOT HOME OK BECAUSE HE JUST COULDNT BE BOTHERED. I COULD JUST KICK MYSELF FOR DOING THIS TO MYSELF YET AGAIN. I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN , I TOLD HIM I WOULDNT LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN, AND FEEL EVEN WORSE AT HAVING SAID THIS. JUST FEEL I AM JUST LIKE A JELLY FISH, WITH MY SELF RESPECT OR WILL OF MY OWN. JUST WAITING FOR HIM TO CALL AND SPEND ANY TIME HE CAN WITH ME. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????
melanieL said
Apr 25, 2005
AND BEFORE ANYONE ASKS YES I DO ATTEND MEETINGS AND YES I KNOW I AM PUTTING MYSELF IN HARMS WAY. FEEL LIKE I AM GOING CRAZY. DONT KNOW WHICH WAY TO TURN. I KNOW I AM AT FAULT AND I AM NOT HELPING HIM OR MYSELF. I JUST LOVE THIS MAN SO MUCH. I AM CONSTANTLY JUST WAITING FOR THE PHONE TO RING OR THE KNOCK AT THE DOOR. HATE BEING LIKE THIS.
dewi said
Apr 25, 2005
Melanie,
I'm new here so I don't know your story.
"You ask what is wrong with me" sounds like your ex husband is your drug of choice.
The way you describe your situation this weekend and the remorse and lack of self respect you now feel after being intimate with your ex husband it sounds exactly how an alcoholic or addict talks when they have a relapse. This is the way my daughter used to feel and talk about her herself when she had drug relapses immediately after rehab.
Take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself, get back on track, and work your program. Go to a meeting. Read your literature. Now that you know better you can try to do better.
dewi
-- Edited by dewi at 08:42, 2005-04-25
teddybear said
Apr 25, 2005
Hi MelanieL,
I feel for you, I really do. REMEMBER ALWAYS, that when we know better, we do better. It would be important to look at your pattern, and try to understand WHY you are accepting that pattern, and to be treated that way. Ask your HP to help you to get the strength not to accept that behaviour from him.
I always heard that if I lie down on the floor like a carpet and let someone walk all over me.....I am choosing that. We sometimes attract people in our life who disrespect us. I found that as I did weekly meetings, and heard other people speak about their pattern of letting others abuse them, it clicked in my head. I knew that I was letting him behave that way with me, and worse than that, I was accepting that behaviour. What have you got to loose by changing the way you let him treat you.....you have everything to gain, and nothing to loose. I know that my own patterns are very deep, yet I know that each step that I take is a giant step. I am constantly reminded each day to keep the focus on me. Be good to yourself, and love yourself more. I will see you in the light of the HP, and all the best.
Stand strong, and know that you can change, and find happiness in yourself. "IT BEGINS BY YOU FIRST"
lin0606 said
Apr 25, 2005
Sounds like the person who is being hardest on you right now is yourself! What I hear from your post is that you know what you should do, but can't bring yourself to do it. When I find that I am not living up to what I expect of myself, it is usually because I am expecting too much, too fast. This might be a time when the idea of 'baby steps' would work best for you.
When I was in a situation sort of similar to yours, I found that for me the first step was to allow myself to feel the anger that I had. Then I let myself express it, some to the A, and some here and at meetings. The next, (for me the hardest), step was to stand firm, and not say "No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it", in the face of my A's angry response to my anger. This is as far as I have been able to bring myself to go, so far. It has made a big difference, though. He is so much less likely to treat me badly when he knows he can't con me into feeling bad about how badly I 'made' him behave. (does that make sense?)
If you are not yet ready to make a stand against the things you don't like, find some small step that you feel you CAN take. Your sponsor should be a help to you here. Any positive step that you take towards your own happiness will give you the confidence and courage to take the next one. Good luck.
melanieL said
Apr 25, 2005
Thank you, ur all right of course, my ex-a is my drug of choice and i admit i am fixated on him to an unhealthy and degree, and yes the hardest person on me is me. I just cant seem to say "No", i just keep letting him reject me all the time. I know what the outcome will be yet still i do it, i'm even aware when he is conning me and still i let it ride. I am only knew to this, and little steps i always find hardest to take. At the moment i am finding it all so overwhelming. I am from an alcoholic family but strangely only realised this a few months ago. My patterns of behaviour are ingrain and very hard for me to change, but at least i suppose i am aware of them. Feelling really down at the moment.
Jeannie said
Apr 25, 2005
(((Melanie)))
First of all stop beating yourself up!
It sounds like your self esteem is in rough shape right now, and yes you are the one who is hardest on you.
It is so hard to let go of someone you love, no matter how much they hurt you.
You know what you are doing, and only you know what the right thing for you to do is. If you find yourself slipping, go to a meeting, or come here, and if you give in, well there is always tomorrow. Try not to be so hard on yourslef. As you treat yourslef better, others will follow.
Take care of yourself.
Love Jeannie
Jeannie said
Apr 25, 2005
Melaniel
You say he is your ex so I assuming you are divorced. But I have always felt a person had to decide what is right or wrong based on their own life and morals.
My husband is my A and he and I are separated, but neither of us have given up on the marriage at this point. During the course of our marriage neither of us has been unfaithful to the other as far as other people.
The physical part of our marriage was never an issue (provided he was not drinking at the time). When we first separated we had several times where we ended up sleeping together and there was some guilt. We later decided that provided he was not drinking and both of us wanted to that we did not have anything to feel guilty about, nor anyone else to answer to.
Though we do not live under the same roof, we still choose to spend that time together when we want to. We do not let the kids know, as they would get there hopes up, and he hides it from his parents as they had a problem with any type of affection when we where living together. For a short time, we are both happy, and we do still love each other very much.
When the councilor asked us about this we where honest, and his reply was you are both married and consenting adults and that we should continue to care for the part of our marriage that was still good. We have also found that after is quality time where we can both talk. It is not enough, but it is the small part of my marriage that his drinking has not messed up.
We have both agreed that if either partner moves on, we have to let the other one know, as fidelity is important to both of us, and that would end the marriage.
This is just my opinion, but you don't have to answer to anyone but you about what you are doing. If you feel guilt or bad, then that is a different issue.
The way I look at it, right or wrong, is that in the eyes of God we are still Huband and Wife, and no one has the right to judge us.
Love Jeannie
melanieL said
Apr 26, 2005
Thanks jeannie you have replied to my postings in the past and always found them useful. We are divorced, he left me for another women (there have been several in our marriage, but none he left for), and although i didnt want a divorce i thought it might shake him up but it didnt. That relationship ended at Christmas and since January he has been looking to me for support again , three years on. In those three years I had improved so much, i look better feel better but can see myself sliding which is where i feel he wants me to be. He has told me and still tells me he doesnt know if he loves me, but still i just cant give up hoping he does love me. How sad am I? Especially when everything he does tells me he doesnt care at all.
Jeannie said
Apr 26, 2005
Melanie
You are not a sad person, just a victim of this disease. You obviously love him but you do have to protect yourself.
You have to learn to detach with love, and I for one know how hard that is.
One of the reasons I have not divorced my husband is that while I am fed up with his drinking, I do still love him. I am not ready to end our marriage because of that. I have often told him that if he does not love me, to let me know so I can move on. He isn't what keeps me from moving on, I do. Even if he said he didn't love me, I don't know if I would believe it. I would probably hang on to hope, after all hope is all we have.
If and when the time is right for me, I think I will know it. I think you will as well. They say to say what you mean and mean what you say.
You need to look out for yourself and not put yourself into hurtful damaging situations. Not because of anyone but you. You have to protect your heart.
It is great to keep loving someone, but not at your own expense.You are too important for that. I have said this often to my kids in there relationships, it might sound hollow but it is true. If it was meant to be it will, in its own time. In the meanwhile learn to love yourself, be good to yourself and love your llife to make you happy, after all you are the one who matters most.
Love jeannie
Dolphin123 said
Apr 27, 2005
I am copying some of what I posted to another about a similar situation and adding a little more for yours. ( I hope that is okay)
I have been with my "A" for 8 years now. Four years ago he went through a try at his recovery. We split up, because he thought I was too co-dependent. It hurt, it hurt so badly, but I worked my program even more. After two months he gave me a call. Wanted to come over to see his daughter and check on his unborn child. I prayed "Let Go and Let God" and the Serentiy Prayer were constantly flowing through my mind. This program gave me the power to let the chips fall were the may, but I to, would spend the night with him, I guess another way to hold on to him. But after awhile I wanted more, I wanted what he couldn't give me, I wanted a relationship. After that we became friends again, and almost a year after the break-up the friendship developed into more and we got back together.
The hardest thing for me to accept was that if we were meant to be, then we would be. If not, I would have to let that go. And knowing that I would love him forever I never thought I would get over him, I never did, but I let him go. The greatest thing I learned, was that my higher power would never give me more than I was able to handle, and that he was always there.
i GUESS YOUR ALL ABOUT SICK OF ME , BECAUSE I AM SICK OF ME.
THE WEEKEND WENT WELL, MY EX HAD THE CHILDREN, HE HAD BEEN ABSOLUTELY HORRID TO ME ALL WEEK AND FRIDAY WAS JUST AWFUL.
HE COLLECTED KIDS DID NOT SPEAK OR LOOK AT ME, FELT AWFUL. THEN SATURDAY AND SUNDAY HE WAS NICE AGAIN. THE KIDS ENJOYED THEIR WEEKEND. WE ALL SPENT SUNDAY TOGETHER HAD A LOVELY DAY. THEN SUNDAY NIGHT HE TEXT ME AND ASKED ME TO GO OVER, I DID , OBVIOUSLY KNOWING HE WAS ASKING ME TO GO OVER TO SLEEP WITH HIM.
AFTERWARDS HE JUST WANTED ME TO GO AND DIDNT EVEN RING TO SEE IF GOT HOME SAFELY. THIS MORNING HE RANG AND SAID HE WAS FEELING ANXIOUS AND FEARFUL ABOUT LAST NIGHT. HE ISNT SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX AND HIS SPONSOR HAS ADVISED HIM TO BE CELEBATE FOR A YEAR. HE WAS FEARFUL HE HAD USED ME AND HE SAID HE HADNT RANG TO SEE IF I GOT HOME OK BECAUSE HE JUST COULDNT BE BOTHERED. I COULD JUST KICK MYSELF FOR DOING THIS TO MYSELF YET AGAIN. I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN , I TOLD HIM I WOULDNT LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN, AND FEEL EVEN WORSE AT HAVING SAID THIS. JUST FEEL I AM JUST LIKE A JELLY FISH, WITH MY SELF RESPECT OR WILL OF MY OWN. JUST WAITING FOR HIM TO CALL AND SPEND ANY TIME HE CAN WITH ME. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????
AND BEFORE ANYONE ASKS YES I DO ATTEND MEETINGS AND YES I KNOW I AM PUTTING MYSELF IN HARMS WAY. FEEL LIKE I AM GOING CRAZY. DONT KNOW WHICH WAY TO TURN. I KNOW I AM AT FAULT AND I AM NOT HELPING HIM OR MYSELF. I JUST LOVE THIS MAN SO MUCH. I AM CONSTANTLY JUST WAITING FOR THE PHONE TO RING OR THE KNOCK AT THE DOOR. HATE BEING LIKE THIS.
Melanie,
I'm new here so I don't know your story.
"You ask what is wrong with me" sounds like your ex husband is your drug of choice.
The way you describe your situation this weekend and the remorse and lack of self respect you now feel after being intimate with your ex husband it sounds exactly how an alcoholic or addict talks when they have a relapse. This is the way my daughter used to feel and talk about her herself when she had drug relapses immediately after rehab.
Take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself, get back on track, and work your program. Go to a meeting. Read your literature. Now that you know better you can try to do better.
dewi
-- Edited by dewi at 08:42, 2005-04-25
Hi MelanieL,
I feel for you, I really do. REMEMBER ALWAYS, that when we know better, we do better. It would be important to look at your pattern, and try to understand WHY you are accepting that pattern, and to be treated that way. Ask your HP to help you to get the strength not to accept that behaviour from him.
I always heard that if I lie down on the floor like a carpet and let someone walk all over me.....I am choosing that. We sometimes attract people in our life who disrespect us. I found that as I did weekly meetings, and heard other people speak about their pattern of letting others abuse them, it clicked in my head. I knew that I was letting him behave that way with me, and worse than that, I was accepting that behaviour. What have you got to loose by changing the way you let him treat you.....you have everything to gain, and nothing to loose. I know that my own patterns are very deep, yet I know that each step that I take is a giant step. I am constantly reminded each day to keep the focus on me. Be good to yourself, and love yourself more. I will see you in the light of the HP, and all the best.
Stand strong, and know that you can change, and find happiness in yourself. "IT BEGINS BY YOU FIRST"
(((Melanie)))
First of all stop beating yourself up!
It sounds like your self esteem is in rough shape right now, and yes you are the one who is hardest on you.
It is so hard to let go of someone you love, no matter how much they hurt you.
You know what you are doing, and only you know what the right thing for you to do is. If you find yourself slipping, go to a meeting, or come here, and if you give in, well there is always tomorrow. Try not to be so hard on yourslef. As you treat yourslef better, others will follow.
Take care of yourself.
Love Jeannie
Melaniel
You say he is your ex so I assuming you are divorced. But I have always felt a person had to decide what is right or wrong based on their own life and morals.
My husband is my A and he and I are separated, but neither of us have given up on the marriage at this point. During the course of our marriage neither of us has been unfaithful to the other as far as other people.
The physical part of our marriage was never an issue (provided he was not drinking at the time). When we first separated we had several times where we ended up sleeping together and there was some guilt. We later decided that provided he was not drinking and both of us wanted to that we did not have anything to feel guilty about, nor anyone else to answer to.
Though we do not live under the same roof, we still choose to spend that time together when we want to. We do not let the kids know, as they would get there hopes up, and he hides it from his parents as they had a problem with any type of affection when we where living together. For a short time, we are both happy, and we do still love each other very much.
When the councilor asked us about this we where honest, and his reply was you are both married and consenting adults and that we should continue to care for the part of our marriage that was still good. We have also found that after is quality time where we can both talk. It is not enough, but it is the small part of my marriage that his drinking has not messed up.
We have both agreed that if either partner moves on, we have to let the other one know, as fidelity is important to both of us, and that would end the marriage.
This is just my opinion, but you don't have to answer to anyone but you about what you are doing. If you feel guilt or bad, then that is a different issue.
The way I look at it, right or wrong, is that in the eyes of God we are still Huband and Wife, and no one has the right to judge us.
Love Jeannie
Melanie
You are not a sad person, just a victim of this disease. You obviously love him but you do have to protect yourself.
You have to learn to detach with love, and I for one know how hard that is.
One of the reasons I have not divorced my husband is that while I am fed up with his drinking, I do still love him. I am not ready to end our marriage because of that. I have often told him that if he does not love me, to let me know so I can move on. He isn't what keeps me from moving on, I do. Even if he said he didn't love me, I don't know if I would believe it. I would probably hang on to hope, after all hope is all we have.
If and when the time is right for me, I think I will know it. I think you will as well. They say to say what you mean and mean what you say.
You need to look out for yourself and not put yourself into hurtful damaging situations. Not because of anyone but you. You have to protect your heart.
It is great to keep loving someone, but not at your own expense.You are too important for that. I have said this often to my kids in there relationships, it might sound hollow but it is true. If it was meant to be it will, in its own time. In the meanwhile learn to love yourself, be good to yourself and love your llife to make you happy, after all you are the one who matters most.
Love jeannie
I am copying some of what I posted to another about a similar situation and adding a little more for yours. ( I hope that is okay)
I have been with my "A" for 8 years now. Four years ago he went through a try at his recovery. We split up, because he thought I was too co-dependent. It hurt, it hurt so badly, but I worked my program even more. After two months he gave me a call. Wanted to come over to see his daughter and check on his unborn child. I prayed "Let Go and Let God" and the Serentiy Prayer were constantly flowing through my mind. This program gave me the power to let the chips fall were the may, but I to, would spend the night with him, I guess another way to hold on to him. But after awhile I wanted more, I wanted what he couldn't give me, I wanted a relationship. After that we became friends again, and almost a year after the break-up the friendship developed into more and we got back together.
The hardest thing for me to accept was that if we were meant to be, then we would be. If not, I would have to let that go. And knowing that I would love him forever I never thought I would get over him, I never did, but I let him go. The greatest thing I learned, was that my higher power would never give me more than I was able to handle, and that he was always there.
Only your HP knows what will happen in your life.Keep working the program.
If you want to chat I am here.
Dolphin123
aka DolphinLur