Trumpetchic18 wrote in another post:

"Even if the Alcoholic in your life is gone, you never forget them. They changed you, they changed your life. You have been effected by alcoholism"

This is certainly the case and although difficult to no longer be with my a, there will ALWAYS be a part of my heart that loves him tremendously and without doubt--  having that love also keeps me focused on God and the love in my heart.  This is proof that God is LOVE and works ALL things for good.  It feels REALLY good to be able to hold that love in my heart always.

Thank you for sharing Trumpetchic18  :)

 

Sanddie, how right you are.  My sister wonders how I manage to accept the actions of my A (as we are still together) because my life is not by any means perfect.  I was looking at him today and saw the "shell" of the man I married.  He is still in there somewhere and so close to surfacing.  I am not certain he will because of his health.  It is so difficult to accept the way life is at this time.  I yearn for a communication/relationship that would bring me closer to my HP.  But, I guess this is how it is to be for now.  He took some cash that was meant to pay the doctor last week and came home drunk.   I was angry.  But anger does no good...and I asked myself if it were really worth my peace of mind, which it wasn't.  You are so right...love is the only answer.  May love surround you...Annie  

needed to share here

i had to let my hubby go 4 yrs ago . after 8 or 9 yrs w/out a drink he began to drink *AT * me and w/ a vengeance , the violence resumed and he constantly threatened to divorce me

he began to drive me crazy .. threatening to hire someone to kill me

my mental health was all but destroyed and the physical was going down too

in march of 01 i granted his demand and threw him out changing the locks

i BEGGED him to get help and go back to AA and *try*  so we could regain the magic we once had

he adamantly refused ....so .... i spent a year in tears

then a nervous breakdown and semi suicidal for 2 yrs until i FINALLY returned to alanon

i now have a new life , new friendships budding a new man who treats me with respect and kindness and tenderness and a baby vareer that might one day suppoirt me

sad thing is , i still think of the A every day

it is easy for me to miss the good part of him and wish he had not chosen the booze over me

i cant tell anyone that i still feel love for him , no one would understnad

so i keep him in my heart , talk to God about him and pray for him , and the best i can hope for is that ONE DAY   .....before we die ...just ONE day we can sit and talk about the love that we shared for almost 17 years

i belioeve the booze drove him nuts and he was making foolish choices driven by the compulsion to drink and that if he could do it over ... he would have done it differently

but maybe that is not true

maybe HP is protecting me form the treuth that he simply stopped loving me as he said he did

ah well

i DO wish you love and peace

and *shrugs*  i will prolly secretly care for mine the rest of my life ... it is the way i was raised and the value system i believe in

BUT

his disease made it VERY clear at least ONE of us was gonna die

people helped me get out *sighs* 

I HOPE it all works out far better for you !
love in recovery

Fiona

Thank you both for your response.  I must say that the ONE thing I have gotten from the breakup from my A is the understanding of acceptance in myself for who I am...  This being said, it is a HUGE accomplishment for me.  Like I said in my first post, as you I will ALWAYS love my ex a and with that I can be at peace knowing that God brought us together for a time to for me to find that love in my heart.  This being the case, I set him free to live the life he chooses and have trust in God to bring me through all the heartache of having to make such a choice.  In turn, God is giving me so much more in my life to help ease this pain-- the success I have in my educational studies, my children doing well in school, a house on a beautiful lake out my front door, in which I can sit and read my books, while drinking a cappuccino in the beautiful warm weather that is approaching.  The most peace I had ever gotten was from water-- it is definitely clear to me that the house that just fell into my lap on a lake I grew up as a child on, swimming each day for hours was brought into my life at this time. 

Looking back at my childhood, I reflect on how this lake was the ONLY peace I had known as I would stare out at the water from the shore, listening to the birds and seeing the sun glisten, or just floating across the lake on a raft, falling asleep even while the boats around stir up the water---  God is amazing, as only He can offer these peaceful experiences in our life and knowing that, I KNOW in my heart as much as it hurts to have left my a, that God has something extraordinary planned for me.  If not here, then in eternity....   :)  I will trust that with all I am as a person.  I am very grateful for how God has and continues to work in my life, through both good and bad because that is making me the person I always wanted to be. 

Also, it's great that you can love your a after so many years of being apart-- I truly believe that is God's way of staying in our lives.  The compassion in our heart, yet wisdom to make choices that are healthy for us.  

God grants us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things that we can, and the WISDOM to know the difference....  :)))

Of course, that WISDOM leads to some VERY difficult choices, but in the end will being internal and eternal peace having our relationship with God. 

Take Care!  :)

thank yo for your lovely response

I realize my post to you as rather selfish and self centered in its reflection

i guess i am STILL learning to let go of my A after 4 yrs of being divorced

i am in the process of readying my home for sale .... he left me w/ too much debt to be able to stay here

i so appreciate the thoughts you shared and realize i have SO much more learning to do in alanon

i need to keep with the program and pray that HP leads meout of this mess into some serenity

I had a house on a lake drop in my lap last week ... but *sighs* as quickly as the architect offered it to me ... it was gone , turns out he didnt owen the property after all

so i am planning to build a little house in the woods

it is near a lake ...and i should be able to afford it

i am needing to do a gratitude list more often to realize how lucky i am to have any choice in this at all

thanks so much  for sharing your experience strenght and hope

i think you are amazing !
love, 'fiona

awww, thanks Fiona to think I am amazing-- BUT, the truth is it isn't ME at all.  It is many, many, many moments of the day my thoughts go to God, my tears constantly asking him to help me know what is right.  It's ME completely trusting in Him to see me through and not put my faith in a man or myself for loving that person for the first time in my life, ultimately leading to thinking that what is best for that man is to stay with him because of his pain an suffering. 

I can love him completely and more healthier by not being with that man and growing in my relationship with God... The ONLY thing I am NOW certain of is that God is FIRST in my life-- whatever happens will happen according to His will and I am finally ready to accept that in my life.  I'm sure I'll have my days and moments or heartache, as I'm human, but having the foundation of God in my heart can get me through anything.  I know the reward is ETERNAL life and this time here is only temporary and goes very quickly.  :)))

Take Care!  (((((((((((((((((((((((Fiona))))))))))))))))))))))))))))