Yesterday at work, a co worker, a woman I don't know very well, came up to me to talk. "You've got teenagers too", she said. "Are you having trouble with power struggles between your husband and son?" I almost blurted out "My husband is a recovering drunk and crack addict. Believe me, his plate is full with his own struggles, no time to interfere in his son's choices!" I didn't, of course, and just mumbled something, so she could get on with what she really wanted, which was to bitch about her husband. I realized, though, that this was the first time I have really come face to face with that part of the eleventh Tradition. I don't normally talk about the details of our lives to people who are not in the program, or who are not close enough to us to know about my husband's recovery (and, it follows, my own). Do any of you ever have problems with the anonymity thing? We are so open in meetings, and here, do you sometimes have trouble remembering that you are NOT at a meeting when talking with someone else?

Hi lin! Thanks for the reminder before I go meet with family memebers this weekend. I need constant reminders about anonymity and I mean constant! I also need to make sure that I'm seeking out "safe people" for any sharing I do which could be hurtful to others and not merely assuming that everyone in my face to face meeting room is safe. This would be a great meeting topic and probably one that needs to be re-visited over and over and over till the day that I die. Thanks for sharing lin! Sooner

-- Edited by sooner at 11:03, 2005-04-23

Sometimes I think the hardest thing to say to another person, is nothing at all.  I agree, we come in here and have the chance to pour out our hearts there on the table, and forget that the rest of the world is not like an alanon room.  When in chat or meeting, you can say all the things and feelings that you have done in response to someones drinking or drug abuse, or talk about your a's and know that you will be understood, given love and compassion, and never pity or rejection.  When I want to share with a normie the extent of my alcoholic situation, I try to HALT, think for a minuite and save it for my sponsor or alanon friends.  So glad you did the same!!!

lots of love, Trina

Good subject.

 

I had a conversation with a coworker on a trip. He was talking about his friend who was just released from the hospital after all his organs had started shutting down.

They were able to stabilize him but said he can't drink anymore.

So I asked, well how is he with that?
The co-worker said he is okay with it but his wife said if he ever drank again she would leave.......

I tread lightly and let the subject fade...

 

I will be with family tomorrow for my nephews birthday and needed to be reminded to limit any talk of my active A......

For 16 years my brother in law & his wife are in AA, haven't drank for 16-20 years.  Until recently, I've told them of my hub's drinking.  They now know, we now can talk at a deeper level that had never existed before.  Thru this terrible disease, I have found it brought about a closeness never known before.  We now have this special bond, in which sometimes words don't even need to be expressed.  When we get together at family parties, we choose not to talk about anything concerning al anon, or drinking problems.  We save it for later.  It's almost like two different worlds. 

I have come to believe that if the person you wish to share with isn't part of the solution, or in common ground, they're part of the problem.   (of course it's just my opinion) 

Hello,

You did raise an important point. I try to find safe people to share with. Or sometimes I will test the waters or present a tiny bit of my situation and see how the other person responds. With our daughter's name in the paper serveral times, we have decided to explain to some people that she is an alcoholic and is getting help. This was agreed with our daughter and son too. Our son wasn't sure what to say to his friends. So I did share with some of his friends that she is an alcoholic and cannot drink at all and they were very supportive. She felt she wanted certain people to know this so they could not only understand yet have the opportunity to invite her to do things with them when they are not drinking. Our daughter knows that she can share whatever she needs to about us with her group and those she feels she trusts enough to do so. All of us, husband, me, daughter and son are in the agreement that we can educate people by sharing about alcoholism too. I guess, the boundary is that we do not go into the drug addiction part but we stick to the alcoholism part with outside friends. If her name had been in the paper for drug offenses we may share more, but for now don't share about that part of her life with many. 

As far as anonymity with other areas of a person's life, now that my mom and dad are moving close to me, I am going to have to remind my husband's family (brothers, sisters) that my mom does not want people to know she has alzheimers. They live in the same town where my parents will be living. So, we need to respect others wishes too when it comes to anonymity issues. My husband thinks that people will notice that she does have alzheimers but I say, out of respect, it is best to do what her wishes are. My mom chooses to say she has other brain problems but not alzheimers. This will have to be handled in a totally different manner in time. 

Thanks for posting about this subject. It got me to think about my own life and what I have done.  your friend in recovery, cdb :)

 

Hi , anonymity is not a big thing with my husb or myself. But like you I often run into people who need al anon, then I have a choice I can break my anonymity and share what I have learned here, I often have pamphlets in my purse which I sometimes offer to them simply saying this may help.   I  can share my program with others with out disclosing the things that have gone on in my home to protect my husb. I am still very careful who I share my life with out side of our prog. 

   I also asked my husb if he minded me breaking my anonymity, he said he didn't mind at all , sometimes they do- so u wouldnt have to mention why u attend this prog for all they know it could be your parents a friend  etc.   

Lin, We all learn from eachother, there those that are in some sort of program and those that aren't. Haven't we all been one of those that aren't? I guess in my case I would divulge what I am comfortable with given the circumstance and individual, to say what I wish to say that may be of any use to them. I find that it is not so much where my qualifier has been these days, but where I have been that seems to have more meaning. As one that loved to "bitch" about my problem person at that particular moment, I am now am giving myself a break because I believe I was seeking answers or help in believing in my thoughts, when the answers were in me, where my thoughts may have not explored or allowed me to explore. I just didn't know or didn't want to look there cause that is so much harder than the easy way of having another re-affirm my feeling of being the victim. I have been a victim of me, and it took some good sharing people to make me finally realize that..I some day hope pass along the insights that others have passed to me, when I would allow myself to listen. Lol, listening wasn't my greatest trait cause I had all the answers, even before I asked the question. Some days still have trouble with that road block. All I'm sayin is I am grateful for those that were patient with me and helped me listen and dig alittle deeper into where some of my problems lived, in me. Funny thing I heard about alanon from a friend at work (lol during a bitch session)who happens to be a 18 year recovering A, he is an even closer friend today. Do or say what you feel comfortable with. Hope your having a great weekend Mark S

This is a very subject to bring to the board- thank you.  First of all, in regards to AA sobriety, my A has been clean and sober for over 18 years and is quite open about it.  So talking about that is no big problem.  Over the years he has helped quite a few people who were really struggling.  However, with the sex addiction issue, that is a whole other ball of wax.  I just usually say in Alanon meetings when I go to a f2f that the addict has multiple addictions and leave it at that, especially in one particular meeting I go to, which is at the same club where he got sober and a couple of the guys who go to that group also know who my addict is.  So I am careful about what I say in "real life".  Although now with the addict's sister also going to Alanon (but never the same meeting as me) I do have concerns that she will get too personal and so I limit my sharing with her.  Too many personal boundariies there.  (Her husband is still an active A).  I just said to the addict the other day, "I am sure you wouldn't want me to suddenly blurt out to your sister that you're a sex addict too".  That is for him to devulge, not me.  So this subject hits very close to home for me.  Thanks.

"so she could get on with what she really wanted, which was to bitch about her husband"

Many times the question, isn't really what people want to know.  We aren't obligated to answer/divulge either way..

I don't think she really wanted to know about your life.  I think she just needed someone to talk to and was starting off the conversation.

*compassion is hard to give away, it keeps coming back.

Christy

I once wanted to do a project about alcoholism at school for a health class when I was in the 9th or 10th grade, and my family wouldn't let me do it because of the fear that it would be found out that my father was a recovering alcoholic. At that time he was involved in local politics and ran his own business, it would have been detrimental to him, especially since we lived in a rural southern town, if folks had found out about it. Its hard sometimes, but its a necessary thing.

~TC

Thanks for everyone's wisdom (experience, strength, hope) on this aspect of the program. It helps me when I remember that anonymity is the programs spiritual foundation. In a slightly different application of this principle, I can share that there has been some tensions in members at our local group and, through not carefully observing this principle in regard to what has been shared at meetings (ie, between regular members who may have missed a meeting) tensions can very quickly go from bad to worse. What I have observed is that sharing outside the meeting about things said at the meeting easily turns to gossip, which erodes healing. To respect each other in our many stages of recovery (with moments of strength and weakness constantly shifting as they do), I can now see how this principle really needs to be clung to from meeting to meeting. I guess its because despite perhaps being well-intentioned, when we repeat stuff, we always intone our own stuff with it which potentially changes content and distorts things. So containing the sharings to the meeting itself respects each member, and I see this as the spiritual application of anonymity. It's great that the sharing we do on the message board is our own voice every time so gossip doesn't happen at all, whether we converse minutes or days apart.