How do I get my wife to stop drinking?  I am running out of approaches to try - I am becoming detatched from her.  Her promises never last long.  (We have two young children).

She refuses to go to AA meetings.

Any suggestions?

Welcom kohan.  You are in the right place.  The good news and bad news are the same- there is nothing you can do to stop your wife from drinking.  I have struggled with my husband in the same way for most of our 10 year marriage.  I think Al-Anon meetings would be good for you- they helped me (although I have only been to these on line).   I have heard the face to face meetings are even better.  Someone once told me that if I have a problem with my husband's drinking I need to go to Al-Anon.  When or if he ever has a problem with his drinking then he should go to AA.  Sounds like now is the time for Al-Anon.

There are great reading materials- including the 12 steps.

 

Hang in there.

 

Hi Kohan!  Yes, I agree with Manny-Mo--it's important to take care of YOU in this situation, and a good way to learn how to do that is by going to Al-Anon meetings.  You meet people who are dealing with the same heartache and who have found a way to some happiness, no matter what the other person in your life is doing.  I know, I didn't believe that either at first.  In fact I resented the idea that I was the one who needed help!  But I am SO glad I had the little bit of trust to just try it, because now, several years later, I have learned so much about myself and that happiness is possible whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.  I've met some great people there, and found ways to love myself and others (even very difficult others) that I couldn't have imagined when I was where you are.

There are lots of good books about this problem too, many of which are availble free at your local public library, besides the literature made available at meetings.  Good luck!  Hang in there!  One step at a time, one day at a time.

-Seachange

Welcome to Alanon.  You've already started to take that first step - you are reaching out for help and this is the place to be.  Each and every one of us who participate here and in the Chatroom and at the meetings in our home towns have been effected by someone's drinking.  And we've all been where you are today ......   wondering how we can stop our loved ones drinking.  No doubt you've tried everything you can think of and nothing has worked.  The first step in this life-saving Twelve Step programme tells us that.  Step 1 "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable".

My heart sank when I first heard that.  I wanted answers.  I wanted a quick fix.  But there isn't one.  Alanon is a gentle programme of recovery.  For Us.  We learn to get our lives back.  We learn to focus on ourselves and stop obsessing on the alcoholic.  In some cases when the alcoholics see the changes in the ones going to Alanon they may seek recovery for themselves by going to AA.  That didn't happen to me personally.  My husband chose to continue drinking even 'tho he saw our eldest daughter's life change when she found sobriety through AA seven years ago, and the changes in my attitude to life and him thru Alanon.  If they choose to continue drinking there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. 

At my home group face-to-face meeting when we greet newcomers we tell them about what we call the 3Cs.  We didn't cause it.  We can't control it and we can't cure it.  That's hard to accept but when I finally accepted I was powerless over my husband's drinking I felt a sense of liberation.  It wasn't my fault.  Nothing I did or said caused him to drink.  He chose to.

We don't give advice in Alanon.  All we can do is pass on our experience, strength and hope and say how Alanon has helped us.  I found that by going to meetings, listening to other Alanons, reading the Conference Approved Literature -- books such as Courage to Change, One Day at a Time and the leaflets, and reaching out as you have done, I eventually began to find peace of mind and serenity.  I found I could enjoy my life whether the alcoholic was drinking or not.  I learned alcoholism is a disease and my husband was a very sick man.  I learned to seperate the man from the disease and eventually learned to love him again.  I still have to pray daily for compassion and tolerance, I'm no saint and there are times when my initial reaction is to want to scream and shout.  But I've learned to detach from his anger and verbal abuse. 

Keep coming back.  This Alanon 12 Step Programme really does work. 

 

Kohan.....

My suggestion to you, is to try and find the nearest Face to Face alanon meeting in you area. I know that having a loved one who is an alcoholic, or a drug addict is painful. The bottom line is, we cannot control their actions. We have a saying in alanon....the 3 C's: We didnt cause it, We cannot cure it, We cannot control it. As much as we would want to see our loved one in recovery, it is not our choice to make. It is something that they have to want for themselves...for if they are in recovery for all of the wrong reasons, ie: court mandated, pressured into it, they are destined to go back to drinking or using. I have an older brother who drinks and uses constantly, and is having too much fun doing what he is doing. I know that he has to want recovery for himself, not for me or anyone else. The lies certainly are tough, we see a lot of them in dealing with an alcoholic, but it is because they are sick. Try attending some meetings, you will learn about focusing on you (and the kids) setting healthy boundaries, and detatching with love. I welcome you to alanon, and best wishes to you in your recovery.

Buzfree

I struggled in an off/on alcoholic relationship UNTIL I was able to truly indicate MY NEEDS, the NEEDS of my children and what was in the best interest for both myself and them.  A question I needed to determine the answer to primarily is if I was willing to give up my needs in having companionship in a loving, caring, compassionate relationship, along with the needs of my children in having a peaceful, safe, home environment.  Once, I came to the conclusion that I will ONLY accept that in a relationship, I was able to end the relationship as much as it hurts.  I love my ex a tremendously and the heartache remains of no longer being with him, BUT, the peace of mind and soul that comes with having made that decision, as well as seeing my success and watch my children learn how to work out situations in their lives much more healthier is all the answer I need in knowing my decision was the right one to make.....

We each need to come to a point of defining our individual needs and what is it that WE need for our lives to make us at peace internally.  Lord knows the alcoholic does it each day when they make their decision to drink--  they certainly are not thinking of us, so it is up to us to determine what is best for us to bring us peace internally.   

Take Care and hang in there....  Keep in mind that the empowerment that comes along with making a healthy decision is incredible and allows us to grow as an individual.  With each decision or choice that we make that is difficult, the easier it becomes to recognize what choices are right or wrong.

-- Edited by sanddie at 19:53, 2005-04-22

Hello, glad u posted here, there is nothing you can do about your wifes drinking , threats , tears,guilt trips don't work. This is not your problem to solve, you are n ot the reason she is drinking regardless of what she may say.   the best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to get to Al-Anon meetings for yourself, get your life back on track , detach with love and allow your wife the dignity to suffer the concequences of her own behavior. Because we love them we believe the lies , we cover up thier mistakes, we make excuses for thier behavior and until we stop doing those things nothing will change for them, why should they change we are always making them look good at our expence.

You have to be there for your children, ensure that they are safe at all times. This is a disease and it is progressive it only gets worse.  Love cannot cure this disease, it has nothing to do with love. This has been described as an equal oportunity disease it dosen't care who it gets smart, not so smart, rich poor makes no difference. I am sure she didn't plan on becomming an alcoholic it just happens.

So please find meetings for yourself, learn about the disease and your part in this mess. We do have a part unfortunatley, I personally did all the wrong things for the right reasons. I thought   I could help and tried for many yrs to stop the insanity in our home. finally I came to realize that anything I tried was doomed to fail because i was trying to solve a problem that had nothing to do with me.   good luck  Louise

 

As has been said before, the good news and the bad news are the same. You CAN'T make her stop drinking. This means that you can give up, stop trying. Stop worrying, stop thinking that if you only did this, or didn't do that, if only you were a better person, if only SHE were a better person, if only, if only... Set down that burden, it is not yours to carry. Make your own life as happy as you can, take care of your children. Who knows, sometimes, when we stop carrying the burden of their drinking, they realize that they don't want to carry it either, and set it down too. You are in the right place.

Rather than add insight to your comment, let me just ask if you have ever seen the movie, "When A Man Loves A Woman" with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia?  This is an AWESOME movie, in which I just played the other role for a time with my ex a-- When a Woman Loves a Man-- although, he NEVER even acknowledged a problem and had no intention of recovering so I had to leave for good to let him live his life as he chooses.  This movie was inspirational to me and always gave me hope, but then it occured to me that my ex wasn't even trying.  As much as I love him and my heart breaks as Andy Garcias does in the movie, it was pretty clear that his wife loved him just as much despite her addiction, whereas my ex wasn't ever serious about the relationship as he indicated while dating and even talking marriage.  Perhaps, I'm fortunate... Time will tell.  

Take Care!  :) 

Hi Kohan,

You don't!! it is an impossible thing to do, it is a sickness, just like any other type of disease.    I have come to understand, that the only person that I can change, is myself. I know how difficult it is, to just standby, and watch the person drink!! I know that I suffered a lot, I knew that I needed help, the strength of others to get better, to learn how to Let Go, and to Let God (HP)

I know that going to Alanon meetings really  has worked for me.  You are not alone, and people who are in the group really understand what you are going through.  Also, this message board is wonderful, and we all understand how you could be feeling. You have taken the first giant stepbecause when we are able to admit that there is a problem, we have already made  progress.  Ask your HP to help you, to keep the focus on yourself, and the rest will follow. We get help through Alanon, the message board, and the literature. I hope that some of this post may be helpful to you.

 May God (HP) bless you and keep you strong, you owe it to yourself, and to your children.

I think everyone who comes to alanon asks that same question.  We all come here because of someone else's drinking.  The truth of the matter is that no Human Power can stop your wife from drinking.  We have all tried the tactics of every way that you can think of to get our alcoholics to stop, and we all have failed in our attempts.  The only thing that our attempts have done is invite the disease into our own lives, create reckage and give us disappointment and hurt.  Personally, the best thing that I did to to get my husband to quite drinking, is to quite trying.  If you are always the soft pillow for her to fall on, she may never hit that hard bottom she may be trying to hit.  You have to give her the dignity to live and die the way she chooses.  That doesn't mean you have to be cold or build resentment towards her, just means you don't involve yourself in her sickness anymore. Don't detach from her, just her sickness. You have been affected by this disease too, and that is what alanon is for.  So glad you found us, welcome home my new friend, lots of love, Trina

my wife is also an alcoholic also.I feel for you,For me the best thing i could do at that time was to find as many alanon meetings as possible to go to.They saved my life and my 2 daughters lifes also.When i got better we got better.try aa speaker meetings,get books from library.you are in the wright place,we have all been there.keep coming back it will get better.take care ,we love you your alanon family

Hi and welcome

 

You have gotten some wonderful information.

i can recommend the book "Getting them sober you can help"

It is very practical and very easy to read. I felt as if the author lived my life with my active A (husband)
The ALANON Meetings! The online ones here are super as are the in person ones.

I was told "things will get better" when I first found alanon last July.

And they are. he still drinks but I am slowly step by step taking control of MY LIFE back....

And really he is his own person.It is what I CAN DO...

Richard:

Excellent post--- "What are you doing in that non-relating relationship?... “love”… right!... The one and only true “Love” does not hurt!

Of course, I also believe that this ‘detachment thing’ is equivalent to the denial of feelings and rights."

I agree COMPLETELY!  :)))  I found when I was able to detach while in the relationship that essentially, what I was doing was denying MY NEEDS and justifying the relationship by creating the thought that because I was being patient, kind, and loving that I was the one that was healthy.  I learned that was quite the opposite though-- I was ONLY covering up my fears and ability to live life to its fullest, even if that meant having to take some time alone to face my fears that ultimately held me in the relationship.  After all, as long as I was so focused on my ex a's illness, there was no room for me to analyze my own.  :)))

Thank you for that post.  :)

Take Care!

Sandy

-- Edited by sanddie at 18:17, 2005-04-23