Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I hope I can make some improvements.......my husband was released from hospital last night after 5 days of intensive testing to establish why he had lost nearly 30 pounds, had nausea and vomiting and did not want to eat. The results....nothing....except deficiencies in Magnesium, Potassium and Sodium which had made him really ill and high liver enzymes. But no-one seems to understand that if you drink 8-12 cans of beer a day you do not get hungry. My frustration is that my husband, who is a very intelligent man, is totally in denial and cannot understand why he could eat in the hospital but not now he is back home. He's been in treatment so many times and knows all the answers. I've been around AA long enough to know that I cannot control anyone except myself, but accepting that is SO hard....watching someone you love slowly dying in front of you. i have tried all the tactics...being loving, caring,....being angry, hard.....ignoring....nothing works does it? I could do with a verbal hug from others who are going through this too.

Hi Mariana, yep hon I completely relate. Glad you found this site. For me, I really know it is a disease, I know when my A is not eating or being sick, it is the disease torturing him. I always treat him the same as if he had the flu. They do not choose to be so sick. Just breaks my heart you are watching this too. But I tell ya, coming here and meetings can change your life.You can find serenity even though your loved one is so miserable. keep coming! love,debilyn

Hi, ((((((Mariana))))))

As TiredTonight said, this is a frustrating disease. It is very hard to constantly draw the line between being controlling vs. being helpful. The bottom line (which is EXTREMELY difficult!) is that THE ONLY PERSON WE CAN CONTROL IS OURSELF.

You can have food in the house for him to make himself a meal; you can prepare his meals for him and serve them to him; you can make enough for two when you make yourself food and offer him some. You can ignore him, worry about him, get angry over him and frustrate yourself to no end over him. However, the one thing you cannot do is make him eat. That, he has to do for himself.

Right now, though, your life is filled with reacting to his bad behavior. This is not healthy for either one of you. Instead, you must decide how you want to react to his behavior and then do it.

For instance, when my husband does similar things, what I have found to be most effective is to 1) get on the computer and go online here, 2) take my cat and go to the family room downstairs until I am calm, 3) leave the premises and take myself out to dinner or a movie or go to a friend's home. But the one that really works the best for me is to find a quiet place and cry out to my God for help! Or, "let go and let God," as they say. It is amazing how, when I surrender control to my higher power, almost instantly things get better.

Sure, it sounds pretty easy, but choosing how you are going to behave is about the hardest thing you are ever going to have to do in this life. And then, you have to do it over and over and over again. Also, everything I have ever "let go" of has my claw marks deeply indented all over it!

I hope you feel better after reading this. I want you to know you are not alone. I am sending you peace of mind and clarity. Please take care of yourself. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Karenk

i have tried all the tactics...being loving, caring,....being angry, hard.....ignoring....nothing works does it?

Hi,

You mentioned something about being around AA long enough, but are you in al anon?  Your above statement sounds like what I used to do, & sometimes I slip back into old ways & do them again.  I tried loving, caring, anger, ignoring, yelling, begging, pleading, crying, even silence.  You're right none of that works!  Al anon teaches us to love with detachment; caring without enabling; ignore their business & mind our own business; focus on yourself.

You're right, it is hard to watch, so don't watch, keep yourself busy with meetings face to face; online meetings; chats; reading daily lit; exercise; walks; garden; whatever will keep you healthy & busy & growing towards inner peace. 

I do feel what you feel, maybe not exactly, but mostly.  The post stated here by other members are very good posts!   

 

Hello Marianna,

I see you have had some great replies! It is a horrible disease. With alanon we can be around those that truly understand and then can give us the support we need. ((((((((((((((marianna))))))))))) big cyber hugs to you. I feel your pain. your friend in recovery, cdb :)

Your post brought back some hard times for me. My husband was (is) a crack addict along with alcohol. In the maybe year before he got clean, he almost stopped eating at all, lost so much weight - I'm pretty sure he ws getting most of his nutrients from beer! My part of it was to make sure there was healthy attractive food around (easier when there are kids, as you need to do this anyway) so that if he wants to eat, it's there. If I did make him a meal, I would make it very small, so he didn't feel so pressured. I really feel for you, it is so hard to watch someone you love slowly killing himself. I would sometimes think to myself "Why not just use a gun, it would be easier on all of us?" I'm so glad now he didn't - he's been clean and sober two years. Sobriety is no bed of roses, other issues come up, but I really feel now there is hope for the future. Take care of yourself, your A has a HP, just as you do.

Hi Mariana and welcome

 

i have tried all the tactics...being loving, caring,....being angry, hard.....ignoring....nothing works does it?

I have done the same without success. I even threatened my husband to expose his drinking to his family last year and he quit for 5 months. Now he is back at it.

You have some good suggestions on the eating. I make dinner, offer it to him and then put it in the fridge.
I keep a big stock of frozen finners because sometimes he will go for a few of those.

when he is on a 5-6 day 24/7 binge he will eat nothing and there is nothing I can do.

 

It is hard but i can't fix him. he really needs to want to fix himself..

 

You are not alone - welcome

 

Dear Mariana,    

Tiredtonite, debilyn, Karenk, DeAnna, lin0606 and cdb ALL gave U excellent responses. This situation is frustrating. And you're doing as much as anyone possibly could. So, I'm sure the rest of these folks will join me in praying 4 U and yours. Have U ever listened to Rev. Charles Stanley or the faith preaching of Joyce Meyer??? Both of these people are great HOPE givers. Don't give up! Fill your mind with the promises of GOD and pray, pray, pray!!! We will too!!!   

-- Edited by bonnierose333 at 10:46, 2005-04-21

-- Edited by bonnierose333 at 10:49, 2005-04-21

so glad your here my friend,

I have heard an alcoholic say that no human power could have stopped her from drinking.  I can not tell you what you should do in your situation, but I can tell you what I was told when I came here.  I think most importantly I was told the 3 C's, I didn't Cause it, I cant Control it, and I cant Cure it.  The most important thing for me to do was to change my focus off of him, and on to me.  I had dwindled down to nothing, physically, mentally and emotionally.  I hadn't even cared to notice that I might need help too.  That I might be sick too.  Today, I try to keep my focus, and if my a husband is having a hard day with his disease, I have to remember something my sponsor had to drill into my head.  She calls it QTIP, Quit Taking It Personal.  This is a disease, not a moral issue, or a lack of love, it is a disease.

Hang in there my friend, and welcome home, Trina

Frustrating , a mild word hehe. I have been where your at, i hope u will try the Al-Anon program for yourself. In my experience if you are seeing him drink aprx 15 beer a day he is drinking alot u don't see. My husb kept a 6 pack in the fridge at all times (so how can 6 be making him so sick) sheeesh  i didn't know he had severl 6 pks hidden around the house.

I dont know if the doc's know your husb drinks as much as he does, most aren't honest when asked how much u drink  2 is the usual response. Your right there is nothig you can do about him , but prog will help u to detach with love which is far more affective than anger or tears.

Allowing them the dignity to live or die the way they choose is the hardest thing i have ever done in my lfe.  I had to learn to step aside  so God could get at him.  tough stuff. Al-Anon helped me do that. And in the mean time get my life back on track, obsessing about someone elses life got me no where.   In Al-Anon we aproach the disease from a diff perspective than AA, and it will  help u find some serenity while living in chaos. 

amazing how an intellient person can't connect hosp food (no booze) with feeling better. Home cooking and booze ??????   this disease brings out the insanity in us all.   good luck  Louise