I am a newcomer. I have just faced up to the fact that my 21 year old son is an alcoholic. I need serious support and advice. Are there any of you out there who have faced a similar problem?

Hi Lynn,

Nice to meet you  :)

Alanon offers the same program no matter who the alcoholic is in your life.  First, if you have any Alanon meetings in your town, you'll find a lot of help and kinship.  It's a bit hard to go to that first meeting, but once you have you can begin to learn and grow.  The secret to success is to keep going back, keep learning and most importantly, learn to take care of you and be happy.

Alanon doesn't show you how to "fix" the alcholic, but to fix you and your behaviors that have in the past enabled the alcoholic.  The 3 C's are mentioned a lot around here :)

Didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it. 

Please come to the online chat meetings and if you want, just come to chat.

Keep Coming Back

Christy

Thanks, Christy. I went to my first meeting last night, but I don't really get it. Don't understand how the 12 steps work or what I am supposed to do. I have so many specific questions, and there is no forum at the meetings for questions or advice. For example, our son is now back at home, and we are advised not to give him any money whatsoever. My husband is worried that if he doesn't have a few dollars in his pocket, he will start to borrow or steal, so we give him a bit of money each day. Is that bad?

Welcome Lynnatal,

I have a daughter that is an addict.  For years I would give her money for things she said she needed, and she ended up using it on drugs. I had a suspicion that this was happening, but because she also had my grandson, I was afraid to say no.   Only  you can know what is right for your son, and we don't give advice here.  We share our experience, strength, and hope.  The alanon program is a place to learn to take the focus off the alcoholic, and place it on yourself.  We let the alcoholic take the consequences for their actions, and pray that they find their bottom, and be come sober.  It doesn't always happen, but in the process of working the program, we find spiritual growth and serenity for ourselves.  You are welcome to come to the chat room, there is a meeting at 9:00pm eastern time everyday except Sunday when it is at 7:00pm eastern.  The rest of the time it is open chat, and you are welcome to ask questions.

Glad you are here, SenoraBob

Lynn,

It's great you are going to meetings!

There's many good books.  Two off the top of my head are:  I got mine from Amazon.com, used.

How AlAnon Works

Paths To Recovery

You'll get some real insight from these.  Stop in to the chat, you can ask away in there..  :)

 

 

Hi

My son (21 as well)  admitted to a drug problem 2 months ago.. He lost his job and had to move back home.  He was admitted into detox but only could stay 4 days.. ( that is all we get here)!!!  He was extremely rude, hard to get along with and very angry.. We had to put a lock on the medicine cabinet.. We lost our trust in him... But I can say after a great deal of praying-- His attending NA and just time He is back to his normal self.. Works hard around here and so much better to get along with.. He has a job out west and will be leaving on May 11th.. We live out of town so we did not give son any money.. I have regained our trust in him..

I have to get son to NA but feel free to email me

~~Pam~~

Welcome to our alanon Family!!!! I have only been doing meetings online and in person 3 months and I feel so much more relieved that someone else could relate to what I was going through, who did not give advice or judged my situation. This program is for us to learn tools that may help in curing ourselves from what this disease does to us, To love the person in our lives but detach from their problems their choices are not ours and their consequences are theirs also. Boundries help in aiding us in not being an enabler. We do not give advice but we listen and we share our strenghts and hope that we will find serenity. One MOtto is Fake it till we Make it, And that seems to work for some, also take what you need and leave the rest, meaning take what you need that may be helpful but if a suggestion or a share seems far off from what you may want to do or understand then leave it. God as you understand him will assist you   if you seek him/her out we are not a religious group your god or as some say higher power may be a flower or something else it may be the people you meet in these rooms or in the fellowship halls remeber ODAT (one day at a time) and dont expect it to happen over night if 5 min is all you can start with start slow and when I say 5 min I mean for you hun free from worry focus on you and be gentle on yourself. None of us plan for this monster to come and overpower our loved one and diminish us that is what this program helps us remeber we did not cause it cant control it and cnat cure it that helped me alot the 3c's. Good luck and please know we will welcome you with open arms and we will love you in a very special way since we are all dealing with someone who has affect our lives> GOD BLESS you and your family

Helo Lynn, alcoholics need enablers to continue doing what thier doing and that unfortunatley is where we come in. We believe the lies, we cover up their bad behavior , we bail them out , we feed them , give them money etc . Until we stop doing those things nothing will ever change.  When we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves things begin to change. Your son is 21 he is old enough to be responsible for his own actions.  this is not easy to do  I know , keep going to your meetings , read the l iterature and do what it says to the best of your ability, u will find the answers here. 

Learning to set boundaries for your relationship takes time, stopping enabling takes time, u will learn to detach with love and allow him the dignity to live the way he chooses. This is a disease and it only gets worse. Love will not cure alcoholism , your not the reason he drinks, that is a choice he has made for himself.   Keep commin back and it will become perfectly clear what your part in this disease is.    Good luck  Louise

Hello Lynnatal,

My daughter is 20 and almost 21. She is an alcoholic/drug addict and her drug of choice is pot/weed. A year ago I couldn't have tyed that! She went to an outpatient treatment center a year ago after getting put in jail for minor in consumption and disorderly conduct. She then moved back home and withdrew from college. She eventually moved away and struggled to keep sobriety for awhile until the alcoholism was worse again. She asked to come home so she could work on her sobriety. We ended up having to call 911 on her one night while she was in a violent drunken state at home. ( you may be able to do a search under cdb and read some things about my life, but not all are there since this is a newer message board). She did agree to go into inpatient treatment after that and was in a treatment center for 2 months. She is now clean and sober and living on her own :) with our help though. It is a tough battle. I felt like my heart had been ripped out when I first learned of her alcoholism and the types of drugs she has used! I use to think it was all my fault. I would have given my life for her to not have this horrible disease too. But , I now can put things in perspective and can cope much better. With this chatsite and the people in alanon I have been able to gain my sanity back along with new coping skills. I have a place to come to 24 hours a day and a great support system. I use to post alot on this message board in the beginning but now go to the chatroom more. I hope you can see some hope or a light at the end of the tunnel. WE have to have hope. My daughter may relapse but I can live my life differently now and more calm. We need to take care of us. So, I hope to see you again on the message board or in the chatroom so that you too can live a healhtier and happier life. cdb :)

Hi Lynnatel,

Welcome to this message board!! I am happy that you are here.

I have two sons with drug, and alcohol problems.  I now understand that it is a family disease, just like any other kind of disease.  In time with much work, and this message board, you will understand that the only person that you can change is yourself....it starts by us first.

I have learned to be happy eventhough my sons go through difficult periods, I am learning to detach with love from their problems.  I am not saying that I always react that way, but I know when I am buying into their problems, and then I ask the HP to help me.  There are many tools that you can use to get the help that you need.  The serenity prayer, slogans, alanon meetings, and this message board.  We are never alone to face our problems, because each of us is going through the process of recovery.  Keep an open mind, and ask your HP to help, and to guide you.  "Let Go and Let God"  gives me the strength that I need when some days are very difficult.  Keep on posting, and keep the faith.  We are a family, and we are here to help each other.

May the HP bless, and keep you strong