What I have been working hardd on are self care tools that I learned here and that I have a new burning need to use.
Living with active disease is so hard to bear and requires so darn much work to stay sane and afloat.
I feel a little victimized by disease too—since I had gradually weeded the active A’s out of my life (finding here that I had choices about who to let into my inner circle) finding here that if I lived a healthy, life style my kids would benefit and learn healthy things while growing up.
guess I somewhat unrealistically thot that if I worked this program in my family with my spouse who is also working hard on recovery and we both have done this since before our kids were born (18 yrs. This spring)
then we would be EXEMPT from all this bullcrap coming into our life (from our kid )that goes with disease….wrong!
I am still waiting for alanon to send my exemption in the mail…has not arrived…hmmm??
But our little bambino has grown into a teen and seems to have the addiction along with being a difficult teen. And it is so darn hard to do this work, but I know I can pout stamp my feet etc. keep looking in mailbox for that exemption letter LOL and it only gets me no where fast. You C-- I guess I forgot about genetics playing such a huge role also—not that he was raised completely wihout any environmental disease, since we his parents are works in progress as well. We did best we could and are now powerless to control this--always were except in our ability to contribute to healthiness.
So I need to keep applying all those tools I first learned when I came in to al-anon and in larger doses. I need 3 meetings a week if I want to grow thru this and not just survive it. I need to surrender each morning this teen’s life and put him in God’s hands— & hear how others do tuff love. Hold him accountable for his choices and let go of planning/predicting potential outcomes.
I have got to take time out to read literature mid-day too—call sponsor—pray meditate—do 10th step at day’s end. And remember i don't need to go to every crisi or argument I am invited to today. Keep comments in the "I" tone so as not to be provoking issues. Treat myself to bubble baths and 10 minute tea- time outs…basically treat myself like a dear but needy friend right now and be gentle with me. I don’t do it perfectly, but I am beginning to believe I am worth it and when I don’t to act as if I am. And you all are worth it too. If we don't believe that for the moment we need to act as if and we WILL Get There.
luv123
sanddie said
Apr 19, 2005
Thanks, I needed to read your post. My daughter is going through things right now and hates me of course-- encouraged behavior by her father, who've I now been divorced from for 9 years practically. But, of course his distorted perception likes to convince himself that I have the problem with him being married again. It took ALL I had to get out of that abusive marriage and one of the last two things I recall him saying to me is, "You'll never make it on your own", and "No man will ever want you with two children". Well, he has done ALL he can the past 9 years to influence our children negatively, either directly or indirectly.... years of counseling and continued struggled to do it on my own in which I've succeeded. Purchased a home on a lake, in which it will be a year in June I've owned it now and only have 10 classes to go to have my BS in Technical Management degree completed. Due to the 8 years of IT experience I've gained since being out of the marriage, I have become more marketable in my career (one that I was able to pursue finally without him controlling me with his possessiveness) Anyway, enough about me-- it's about my daughter now. She's struggled with a seizure disorder since shortly after the divorce, in which I had to leave a job to care for her and so thankful to God for getting her stable and us through it all.
However, she unfortunately has traits of both her father and myself-- days of manipulation and days of emotional instability. Guess which sides are from who... Unfortunately, she learned from seeing my reaction to things for years to be so emotional that she has carried that through to her teenage years now and so been trying desparately to teach her how to relieve the anxiety she develops with relaxation techniques, counseling when necessary, attending a church we are a member of and other various things-- but of course, days come and she hates me suddenly and wants to go live with her Dad. We tried that before and she ended up in a hospital with thoughts of wanting to attempt suicide. Her Dad, since our divorce has become progressively worse with drinking, even gotten sentenced and convicted to 100 days in jail for 2 OWI's received in a year period. However, due to appeals as high as the Supreme Court and his attorney's reputable history in winning these cases, the case was finally dismissed on appeal about a year and a half afterwards... Only to have him once again, get stopped, refuse another breathylzyer and have a pending case against him again to revoke his license. He definitely knows his way around the system, which isn't surprising because he's been getting away with so much for so many years. Of course, it's God's plan... so I try not to understand anymore why he doesn't have to be held accountable for his actions. Which I'm sure most of us can relate to many situations in our own lives.
It hurts when my daughter hates me and I have to do the "tuff love" thing, stand firm on boundaries and what's even more difficult is having the influence of so many people around us that promote the behavior with their drinking and partying-- just the lifestyle she has been around all her life. Somedays I feel like it's a losing battle and I get so overwhelmed like today. I work full-time and am going to school because I want to make enough money to help my children go to college without having to worry about so much of the college costs these days. However, the more I try and pursue things for myself and keep my focus, it seems that the more difficult things become around me. My job I have now doesn't compliment my degree and although I love the people I work with-- it's just a job and the drive is about 3-4 hours a day, which is REALLY taking its toll on me. :((( Those driving hours take so much time away from me being able to spend ANY time with my children, which in turn has me feeling badly when either of them deal with things emotionally. I begin to feel as if I'm not there for them, yet as a single parent-- don't know what I can do to help the situation.
I find myself getting upset at times because I'm trying so hard and they have a father who just encourages their behavior, which makes it virtually impossible for me to guide them. Fortunately, though for the most part my son often will comment on how ridiculous it is with their Dad, which helps to hear-- but, there are days I just don't understand... Why it is that when ya make a choice to be out of an abusive relationship that you are often left to do it on your own, raise your kids on your own. I can't help but hearing my ex's words when I finally got out of that relationship that no man would ever want me in his life with two children because although I have my house, pursuing my degree and have turned my life where I want it to be and can do that on my own-- essentially, he was right. The men I've dated since the divorce have all been so immature and not family oriented. Of course, the same men I continue to pick. I'm just tired and needed to vent because it is VERY hard dealing with this on my own, with nobody to talk to about it.
Of course, I have God and am soooo thankful for that-- BUT, God knows my heart and how I don't understand how He made Eve for Adam so that man would not be alone, yet the choice to get out of a dysfunctional, ungodly relationship that was so abusive has kept me alone or continues to bring men of the same nature into my life.........
I often wonder what is more difficult though, raising children and teenagers specifically alone OR while in a relationship that has issues, such as addiction and stuff. I suppose being in the relationships because if I put myself back in the situation with my ex at this point in our childrens lives, having their turmoil, I couldn't imagine having the added stress and pain of dealing with the abuse on top of this pain of watching my daughter struggle.
Thanks for listening.....
jo4 said
Apr 19, 2005
Hi luv...
sounds like you are using your tools and doing everything right. although it gets more natural working the program with years experience and a supportive spouse in program, it doesn't get easier. new crises appear as we grow older. the harsh thing for me about breaking out of denial was facing the fact that life was tough. for anyone. that crises are a part of life, not meant to be skirted around but to be faced. sigh.
it was a rude awakening for this idealist. i know it's tough. we face new challenges all the time. but listening to you, i know you are doing the right thing and that you are doing your very best as a parent. keep coming back and keep your chin up. praying for your teen ,
jo
cdb said
Apr 21, 2005
Hello luv,
It is different to have an alcoholic child versus a spouse in my opinion. Sometimes it is harder and sometimes it is easier. But having given birth to an alcoholic sure made me feel like it was my fault. Then in alanon, I realized that it is the disease and there was not anything I could do to prevent it. Yep,,,the 3 Cs helped me alot then. I will support people and seem to know lots of things to tell them. What I have found is when I bring forth my problems, I don't always do as I say. LOL So, my friends here remind me of what I have said to them. It is sure hard to know things and then to apply them to our own lives. I really empathize with you having a teen with the disease. My daughter has broken my heart many a times over the years. She has done things that were totally against every moral thing we taught her. I am thankful today that she is alive! WE thought she would die from the choices she made. All we can do is keep on working our program and going to our HP/God as often as we remember. Thanks for your post and sharing the tools you have learned. I learn something from everyone here. your friend, cdb :)
Some thots from meeting last week:
What I have been working hardd on are self care tools that I learned here and that I have a new burning need to use.
Living with active disease is so hard to bear and requires so darn much work to stay sane and afloat.
I feel a little victimized by disease too—since I had gradually weeded the active A’s out of my life (finding here that I had choices about who to let into my inner circle) finding here that if I lived a healthy, life style my kids would benefit and learn healthy things while growing up.
guess I somewhat unrealistically thot that if I worked this program in my family with my spouse who is also working hard on recovery and we both have done this since before our kids were born (18 yrs. This spring)
then we would be EXEMPT from all this bullcrap coming into our life (from our kid )that goes with disease….wrong!
I am still waiting for alanon to send my exemption in the mail…has not arrived…hmmm??
But our little bambino has grown into a teen and seems to have the addiction along with being a difficult teen. And it is so darn hard to do this work, but I know I can pout stamp my feet etc. keep looking in mailbox for that exemption letter LOL and it only gets me no where fast. You C-- I guess I forgot about genetics playing such a huge role also—not that he was raised completely wihout any environmental disease, since we his parents are works in progress as well. We did best we could and are now powerless to control this--always were except in our ability to contribute to healthiness.
So I need to keep applying all those tools I first learned when I came in to al-anon and in larger doses. I need 3 meetings a week if I want to grow thru this and not just survive it. I need to surrender each morning this teen’s life and put him in God’s hands— & hear how others do tuff love. Hold him accountable for his choices and let go of planning/predicting potential outcomes.
I have got to take time out to read literature mid-day too—call sponsor—pray meditate—do 10th step at day’s end. And remember i don't need to go to every crisi or argument I am invited to today. Keep comments in the "I" tone so as not to be provoking issues. Treat myself to bubble baths and 10 minute tea- time outs…basically treat myself like a dear but needy friend right now and be gentle with me. I don’t do it perfectly, but I am beginning to believe I am worth it and when I don’t to act as if I am. And you all are worth it too. If we don't believe that for the moment we need to act as if and we WILL Get There.
luv123
Thanks, I needed to read your post. My daughter is going through things right now and hates me of course-- encouraged behavior by her father, who've I now been divorced from for 9 years practically. But, of course his distorted perception likes to convince himself that I have the problem with him being married again. It took ALL I had to get out of that abusive marriage and one of the last two things I recall him saying to me is, "You'll never make it on your own", and "No man will ever want you with two children". Well, he has done ALL he can the past 9 years to influence our children negatively, either directly or indirectly.... years of counseling and continued struggled to do it on my own in which I've succeeded. Purchased a home on a lake, in which it will be a year in June I've owned it now and only have 10 classes to go to have my BS in Technical Management degree completed. Due to the 8 years of IT experience I've gained since being out of the marriage, I have become more marketable in my career (one that I was able to pursue finally without him controlling me with his possessiveness) Anyway, enough about me-- it's about my daughter now. She's struggled with a seizure disorder since shortly after the divorce, in which I had to leave a job to care for her and so thankful to God for getting her stable and us through it all.
However, she unfortunately has traits of both her father and myself-- days of manipulation and days of emotional instability. Guess which sides are from who... Unfortunately, she learned from seeing my reaction to things for years to be so emotional that she has carried that through to her teenage years now and so been trying desparately to teach her how to relieve the anxiety she develops with relaxation techniques, counseling when necessary, attending a church we are a member of and other various things-- but of course, days come and she hates me suddenly and wants to go live with her Dad. We tried that before and she ended up in a hospital with thoughts of wanting to attempt suicide. Her Dad, since our divorce has become progressively worse with drinking, even gotten sentenced and convicted to 100 days in jail for 2 OWI's received in a year period. However, due to appeals as high as the Supreme Court and his attorney's reputable history in winning these cases, the case was finally dismissed on appeal about a year and a half afterwards... Only to have him once again, get stopped, refuse another breathylzyer and have a pending case against him again to revoke his license. He definitely knows his way around the system, which isn't surprising because he's been getting away with so much for so many years. Of course, it's God's plan... so I try not to understand anymore why he doesn't have to be held accountable for his actions. Which I'm sure most of us can relate to many situations in our own lives.
It hurts when my daughter hates me and I have to do the "tuff love" thing, stand firm on boundaries and what's even more difficult is having the influence of so many people around us that promote the behavior with their drinking and partying-- just the lifestyle she has been around all her life. Somedays I feel like it's a losing battle and I get so overwhelmed like today. I work full-time and am going to school because I want to make enough money to help my children go to college without having to worry about so much of the college costs these days. However, the more I try and pursue things for myself and keep my focus, it seems that the more difficult things become around me. My job I have now doesn't compliment my degree and although I love the people I work with-- it's just a job and the drive is about 3-4 hours a day, which is REALLY taking its toll on me. :((( Those driving hours take so much time away from me being able to spend ANY time with my children, which in turn has me feeling badly when either of them deal with things emotionally. I begin to feel as if I'm not there for them, yet as a single parent-- don't know what I can do to help the situation.
I find myself getting upset at times because I'm trying so hard and they have a father who just encourages their behavior, which makes it virtually impossible for me to guide them. Fortunately, though for the most part my son often will comment on how ridiculous it is with their Dad, which helps to hear-- but, there are days I just don't understand... Why it is that when ya make a choice to be out of an abusive relationship that you are often left to do it on your own, raise your kids on your own. I can't help but hearing my ex's words when I finally got out of that relationship that no man would ever want me in his life with two children because although I have my house, pursuing my degree and have turned my life where I want it to be and can do that on my own-- essentially, he was right. The men I've dated since the divorce have all been so immature and not family oriented. Of course, the same men I continue to pick. I'm just tired and needed to vent because it is VERY hard dealing with this on my own, with nobody to talk to about it.
Of course, I have God and am soooo thankful for that-- BUT, God knows my heart and how I don't understand how He made Eve for Adam so that man would not be alone, yet the choice to get out of a dysfunctional, ungodly relationship that was so abusive has kept me alone or continues to bring men of the same nature into my life.........
I often wonder what is more difficult though, raising children and teenagers specifically alone OR while in a relationship that has issues, such as addiction and stuff. I suppose being in the relationships because if I put myself back in the situation with my ex at this point in our childrens lives, having their turmoil, I couldn't imagine having the added stress and pain of dealing with the abuse on top of this pain of watching my daughter struggle.
Thanks for listening.....
Hi luv...
sounds like you are using your tools and doing everything right. although it gets more natural working the program with years experience and a supportive spouse in program, it doesn't get easier. new crises appear as we grow older. the harsh thing for me about breaking out of denial was facing the fact that life was tough. for anyone. that crises are a part of life, not meant to be skirted around but to be faced. sigh.
it was a rude awakening for this idealist. i know it's tough. we face new challenges all the time. but listening to you, i know you are doing the right thing and that you are doing your very best as a parent. keep coming back and keep your chin up. praying for your teen ,
jo
Hello luv,
It is different to have an alcoholic child versus a spouse in my opinion. Sometimes it is harder and sometimes it is easier. But having given birth to an alcoholic sure made me feel like it was my fault. Then in alanon, I realized that it is the disease and there was not anything I could do to prevent it. Yep,,,the 3 Cs helped me alot then. I will support people and seem to know lots of things to tell them. What I have found is when I bring forth my problems, I don't always do as I say. LOL So, my friends here remind me of what I have said to them. It is sure hard to know things and then to apply them to our own lives. I really empathize with you having a teen with the disease. My daughter has broken my heart many a times over the years. She has done things that were totally against every moral thing we taught her. I am thankful today that she is alive! WE thought she would die from the choices she made. All we can do is keep on working our program and going to our HP/God as often as we remember. Thanks for your post and sharing the tools you have learned. I learn something from everyone here. your friend, cdb :)