Well so much for not arguing.......have really tried not to argue with my ex husband who is an A. He has been trying to provoke me for week and had so far managed to keep my cool and not take the bait. Well yesterday I had just had enough. I dumped his dog on me again to look after for the day, (as if its not enough i look after our 3 children) while he went to a meeting and then lunch and coffee with his AA friends. Then he came back , came in turned the tv off which the children were watching and put a cd on of an AA talk he had been given , (feel saturated in AA at the moment) , then he ignored us and phoned this young girl he going to Iceland with for a week, which wound me up (i admit i was jealous), then he asked me what was wrong and why i was looking so miserable, so in not to uncertain terms i told him then told him to leave. He then said I wasnt following my programme properly has resentments and I am sick. I could have hit him at that , he was counselling me !!!
Felt thoroughly ashamed of myself because of course although he had used the AA talk to get at me , he was actually right. I had been resenting him. I resented being given his dog all the time to look after,I resented having to listen to him all the time going on about himself, I resented having to work all the time and look after our children on my own, I resent the fact that he is going to iceland for a week and then canada for a week whereas the children and I cannt afford even a weekend away. Yesterday I resented it all.
Need to get to a f2f meeting i think.
kismetstrand said
Apr 18, 2005
Hi there melanie,
Instead of saying what I was thinking as I read your post, I decided to ask some questions...
Do you have a sponsor? Have you discussed healthy boundaries with sponsor/ftf group/here?
Do you feel it is YOUR responsibility to watch his dog so he can get to his meeting? Or is his recovery, how he gets there, what he does with his pet, etc., HIS responsibility?
Would you let just anyone walk into your home, decide whether TV stays on or not, use your phone to call whoever, basically make themself "at home" as though it were their place?
Do you know that "NO" is a full and complete sentence all on its own? Did you know when we set boundaries for ourself, we don't have to "JADE" - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain?
Do you know that healthy boundaries (limits we place on ourself, on what we will allow around ourself which is in our own control) can help us to avoid resentments that can spring up when we feel we are being used and/or allowing ourself to be a doormat?
Alcoholism is a selfish disease. Mere attendance at AA doesn't fix the "isms" they have. Working the steps, taking their own inventory, changing themself and their attitude - that and probably more is needed. I could attend Al-Anon every day, but if I'm not actually working the program, then I'm not getting much of anywhere. Pretty much the same on both sides of the coin here. We seem to have the tendency to be doormats, "yes dear" people. They seem to have the tendency to be "little Gods", "do as I say, I know best" people. Well hey, its a good thing when you realize there is something you need to work on, regardless of how it was pointed out to you, right? So okay, I will agree with you on that one point that he was right. I'm still "sick" too, that's why I am here and will continue to be here (even when I feel I'm not "sick" anymore). Kinda goes against my grain though when someone tells me I'm "sick" and they're not looking at themself and what they are doing. I can take my own inventory. I try real hard not to take others, or to tell them how to work their own program. Not my business. Not their business either to tell us how to work our program.
Well, heehee, guess I did say a bit about what I think (take what you like and leave the rest). Glad you posted. Hope the questions give you something to think about. Keep coming back!!
Luv, Kis
P.S. Coming from the other side (my hubby) re: someone telling you how to work your own program. He says "A sponsor is who helps you how to work your program, not the person in AA. You should be glad/happy the person is in recovery, but you shouldn't take our crap. And NEVER use a spouse as your sponsor - that'll get you in a lot of trouble.......The best part of Alanon is when they are going thru the guilt trip, you've really got them for a while then. We can go right back to being the God again but under the guise of using the program." Hmmmm. That comes from an alcoholic who has had 7 years in, hotline work, sponsoring... He and I talk program too, only we have no problem in calling each other on when we're stepping out of bounds of what is our business. Like if he were to tell me how to work my program, or if he starts in on am I doing my studying for my job, I simply tell him "that's my business, don't inventory me" and he knows just what I mean by that.
-- Edited by kismetstrand at 07:33, 2005-04-18
-- Edited by kismetstrand at 07:35, 2005-04-18
danz123 said
Apr 18, 2005
Melanie,
I can hear your frustration. The first thing that came to my mind is easy does it. Be gentle with yourself. You say you can't afford to get away so do something for yourself that doesn't cost a lot. Take care of you. Take a bubble bath, get your hair done or your nails. gettinmg to that f2f meeting is a great idea. If you get back into working your program, you will focus on you and not him. Take care of you. Don't look to him to do it. He is into his program and focusing on himself.
You don't say how long he has been in AA. His behavior sounds like he is knew to this. Give him some time. Use the time to take care of you. Good luck.
Yours in recovery,
Danz:
melanieL said
Apr 18, 2005
Thank you both for your replies. My ex-A isnt new to AA he has been going for the past year and keeps having relapses. He has been dry for nearly 3 weeks now. I am trying very hard to work the programme , have not started my steps really yet and have only been to two f2f meetings so far, so all very new to me. Currently am just listening, reading, watching and trying to understand the concept of a 12 step programme , so i dont have a sponsor yet.
The dog thing I think is a power thing with him, and as I am sure you realise i have great trouble saying no to him, i just feel so guilty. I start with good intentions to say no and then he somehow talks me round.
Oh well just got to be stronger i guess.
wallsal55 said
Apr 18, 2005
Hi Melanie.
Ah yes....I remember my spouse new to AA.....quick, I will fix everything, quick, my way.... I can remember that taking care of myself first and foremost was the most important. Second, grasping my alanon program, and sometimes setting a boundary: I will do alanon, you will do your AA program. Separate sides of the fence for now....I didn't want to be drawn into HIS program. And I literally mean HIS program, it wasn't AA's, it was his version! There can be mind games when they first start AA. Also, they are in some type of pink cloud when they first start AA. (It usually wears off after a month or two.) Reality then sets in.
My husband entered AA again last year and just farted around with program for 2 months and quit. Dry drunks, games, tantrums, slips(?) not fun living with him. I told him Jan 1 of this year we were not working out as a couple with him in no program, so back he went to AA meetings, and he is working THE AA PROGRAM!
He got serious about it this time.
Take care of You, and walk your walk---he must walk his own for now. Practicing detachment helps so we do not get drawn into their "stuff". Sobriety is a tough time.
The girl from Iceland? I'm confused. Is she really part of the picture, or something to rub in your face?Boundaries are important here. Say whay you mean, mean what you say, but do not say it mean.
Well so much for not arguing.......have really tried not to argue with my ex husband who is an A. He has been trying to provoke me for week and had so far managed to keep my cool and not take the bait. Well yesterday I had just had enough. I dumped his dog on me again to look after for the day, (as if its not enough i look after our 3 children) while he went to a meeting and then lunch and coffee with his AA friends. Then he came back , came in turned the tv off which the children were watching and put a cd on of an AA talk he had been given , (feel saturated in AA at the moment) , then he ignored us and phoned this young girl he going to Iceland with for a week, which wound me up (i admit i was jealous), then he asked me what was wrong and why i was looking so miserable, so in not to uncertain terms i told him then told him to leave. He then said I wasnt following my programme properly has resentments and I am sick. I could have hit him at that , he was counselling me !!!
Felt thoroughly ashamed of myself because of course although he had used the AA talk to get at me , he was actually right. I had been resenting him. I resented being given his dog all the time to look after,I resented having to listen to him all the time going on about himself, I resented having to work all the time and look after our children on my own, I resent the fact that he is going to iceland for a week and then canada for a week whereas the children and I cannt afford even a weekend away. Yesterday I resented it all.
Need to get to a f2f meeting i think.
Hi there melanie,
Instead of saying what I was thinking as I read your post, I decided to ask some questions...
Do you have a sponsor? Have you discussed healthy boundaries with sponsor/ftf group/here?
Do you feel it is YOUR responsibility to watch his dog so he can get to his meeting? Or is his recovery, how he gets there, what he does with his pet, etc., HIS responsibility?
Would you let just anyone walk into your home, decide whether TV stays on or not, use your phone to call whoever, basically make themself "at home" as though it were their place?
Do you know that "NO" is a full and complete sentence all on its own? Did you know when we set boundaries for ourself, we don't have to "JADE" - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain?
Do you know that healthy boundaries (limits we place on ourself, on what we will allow around ourself which is in our own control) can help us to avoid resentments that can spring up when we feel we are being used and/or allowing ourself to be a doormat?
Alcoholism is a selfish disease. Mere attendance at AA doesn't fix the "isms" they have. Working the steps, taking their own inventory, changing themself and their attitude - that and probably more is needed. I could attend Al-Anon every day, but if I'm not actually working the program, then I'm not getting much of anywhere. Pretty much the same on both sides of the coin here. We seem to have the tendency to be doormats, "yes dear" people. They seem to have the tendency to be "little Gods", "do as I say, I know best" people. Well hey, its a good thing when you realize there is something you need to work on, regardless of how it was pointed out to you, right? So okay, I will agree with you on that one point that he was right. I'm still "sick" too, that's why I am here and will continue to be here (even when I feel I'm not "sick" anymore). Kinda goes against my grain though when someone tells me I'm "sick" and they're not looking at themself and what they are doing. I can take my own inventory. I try real hard not to take others, or to tell them how to work their own program. Not my business. Not their business either to tell us how to work our program.
Well, heehee, guess I did say a bit about what I think (take what you like and leave the rest). Glad you posted. Hope the questions give you something to think about. Keep coming back!!
Luv, Kis
P.S. Coming from the other side (my hubby) re: someone telling you how to work your own program. He says "A sponsor is who helps you how to work your program, not the person in AA. You should be glad/happy the person is in recovery, but you shouldn't take our crap. And NEVER use a spouse as your sponsor - that'll get you in a lot of trouble.......The best part of Alanon is when they are going thru the guilt trip, you've really got them for a while then. We can go right back to being the God again but under the guise of using the program." Hmmmm. That comes from an alcoholic who has had 7 years in, hotline work, sponsoring... He and I talk program too, only we have no problem in calling each other on when we're stepping out of bounds of what is our business. Like if he were to tell me how to work my program, or if he starts in on am I doing my studying for my job, I simply tell him "that's my business, don't inventory me" and he knows just what I mean by that.
-- Edited by kismetstrand at 07:33, 2005-04-18
-- Edited by kismetstrand at 07:35, 2005-04-18
Melanie,
I can hear your frustration. The first thing that came to my mind is easy does it. Be gentle with yourself. You say you can't afford to get away so do something for yourself that doesn't cost a lot. Take care of you. Take a bubble bath, get your hair done or your nails. gettinmg to that f2f meeting is a great idea. If you get back into working your program, you will focus on you and not him. Take care of you. Don't look to him to do it. He is into his program and focusing on himself.
You don't say how long he has been in AA. His behavior sounds like he is knew to this. Give him some time. Use the time to take care of you. Good luck.
Yours in recovery,
Danz:
Thank you both for your replies. My ex-A isnt new to AA he has been going for the past year and keeps having relapses. He has been dry for nearly 3 weeks now. I am trying very hard to work the programme , have not started my steps really yet and have only been to two f2f meetings so far, so all very new to me. Currently am just listening, reading, watching and trying to understand the concept of a 12 step programme , so i dont have a sponsor yet.
The dog thing I think is a power thing with him, and as I am sure you realise i have great trouble saying no to him, i just feel so guilty. I start with good intentions to say no and then he somehow talks me round.
Oh well just got to be stronger i guess.
Hi Melanie.
Ah yes....I remember my spouse new to AA.....quick, I will fix everything, quick, my way.... I can remember that taking care of myself first and foremost was the most important. Second, grasping my alanon program, and sometimes setting a boundary: I will do alanon, you will do your AA program. Separate sides of the fence for now....I didn't want to be drawn into HIS program. And I literally mean HIS program, it wasn't AA's, it was his version! There can be mind games when they first start AA. Also, they are in some type of pink cloud when they first start AA. (It usually wears off after a month or two.) Reality then sets in.
My husband entered AA again last year and just farted around with program for 2 months and quit. Dry drunks, games, tantrums, slips(?) not fun living with him. I told him Jan 1 of this year we were not working out as a couple with him in no program, so back he went to AA meetings, and he is working THE AA PROGRAM!
He got serious about it this time.
Take care of You, and walk your walk---he must walk his own for now. Practicing detachment helps so we do not get drawn into their "stuff". Sobriety is a tough time.
The girl from Iceland? I'm confused. Is she really part of the picture, or something to rub in your face?Boundaries are important here. Say whay you mean, mean what you say, but do not say it mean.