Hello,

I am new to this forum.  If someone would have told me a week ago that I'd be looking for a group like this, I'd have laughed it off.  I am frustrated, angry, deeply hurt, scared...you name it... I am feeling it.  I guess what I am looking for right now is validation for my feelings. 

I have been with a man for the past 8 months.  From what he has told me, I was his savior.. prior to meeting me he said he was close to hitting rock bottom and since he has met me, he has stopped drinking as much as he used to. I am beginning to wonder what "as much as he used to" amounted to, because I have found evidence that he is drinking nearly of half a bottle of gin a day. Gin alters his personality in a manner that is ugly.  I do not witness these changes as much when it is beer or wine that he is drinking.    He recently purchased a home that we were both planning on moving into together.  My children, family, and friends have welcomed him with open arms.  He, on the other hand has never been married, has no family living near, and I am beginning to wonder if he has any friends. For the record, he is 55 and I am 49. 

The problem is, when he drinks gin, his mental state changes in a split second... it's like a light switch being turned on.  He goes from being sweet, loving, caring, to being a verbally abuse jerk.  In the last two weeks, there has been three verbal encounters where he suddenly turns on me calling me every name in the book, accuses me of lying, cheating.. you name it.. I've been accused of it.   There is no reasoning with him.  If I try to defend myself against his accusations, he just adds more.. if I try to ignore them.. he just adds more.  I keep going over the scenarios in my mind wondering what I said or did to trigger these explosions and there just is not a single thing.  I have had witnesses to two of the explosions who have said they saw or heard nothing from me that would have prompted these outbursts. This last encounter has left me numb and cold.  I have lost all respect for him...but even more so...for myself.  I forced him to leave and have not had any encounter with him since except for a brief phone call with him telling me he was giving ME 2 days to "cool off" before he'll talk to me.  He has never apologized for the names he has called me or for the accusations he has made, but he apologizes to those who have witnessed it.      This leads me to believe that he actually believes everything he has said, but is finding the courage to tell me from his bottle.  I want this relationship to work... but I can't enter into another situation that is based on verbal abuse (was married for 22 years to a verbal abuser -- not an alcoholic, but had family members who are). 

 I just don't know what to do anymore.  I am not sure I know who this man really is anymore.  I guess what I need right now is a place where I can find some support from those who have been/are there... is this the right place for me??? I have done some research on alanon meetings... I am not sure if this is something that I would benefit from, either...

thank you for listening.

sno

Hi Sno and welcome,

You are in the right place. Alanon is for any one who is affected by the drinking of a friend or loved one.

Whether he believes the things he says or ot, it is the disease talking. Alcoholism is an ugly disease that does whatever it has to do to protect itself. The alcoholic has such a poor self image that they usually try to rip the people close to them down to their level.

It has been told to me over the years that the horrible things my husband says to me are really directed to himself. But it doesn't make it hurt any less.

Before they seek help, if they do, they often have to hit bottom. You cannot stop his drinking. Alanon teaches us the 3 C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Most of us here have gone through or are going through much of the same things as you. You are not alone.

The one thing you have cotrol over is yourself. Be kind to yourself, protect yourself emotionally, read all you can about the disease, after all knowledge is power. If you can attend Alanon meeetings near your home. Come here often and read, post, vent or go to meetings here on line.

No matter what he says, know this is not your fault. You are not to blame.

(Even though they usually do everything possible to try to convince you that you are to blame.)

                                     Love Jeannie

You are starting to doubt yourself, wonder if these unfair tirades really ARE your fault? You are starting to believe that if you just tried harder, understood him better, loved him more, everything would be all right? You are starting to focus on the minutae of his drinking - when he drinks THIS, he's OK, when he drinks at THIS time, things go wrong, when he drinks from the red glass, he goes crazy... ? Yep, you're in the right place, all right. It's not your fault, you didn't cause it, you are not to blame.

Sno,

I am so sorry.  You are in the right place.  I too felt (way back when) that I would never sit in a room and say Hi, I am Maria . . . as I look back, it's one of the greatest gifts in my life.

The worst thing is that you are doubting yourself.  Alcohol and Abuse are insidious diseases that work their way into destroying our self esteem.  That would be the greatest tragedy.  Please don't let that happen to you.

Many stay with A's for many reasons, marriage, children, etc.  If you don't share that, I hope you will give special consideration to yourself before you get any deeper.  You are worthwhile.  You will find love, someone who's available emotionally for you.

I recently heard the acronym for an alcoholics BINGE - Because I'm Not Good Enough.  They end up criticisizing everyone else to keep the focus of them.

Please keep coming.   Come to online meetings.   You will find the support and encouragement and leave what's acceptable and what's not.

thank you for your welcome.  It is comforting to know there is a place for me to go.  I *know* inside that I am not responsible for his actions, but it is good to hear it from others.

I spoke to him this afternoon...told him I found this group and that I plan on attending an alanon meeting and suggested that he might want to consider attending a meeting as well if there is to be a relationship to build on.  He looked at me like I was crazy.  He did suggest that we seek counseling, though, so I guess that is a start.  I don't think he is prepared, however, for what he is going to find out about himself.  He recalls everything he has said to me, but with a "twisted" point of view. I don't have much hope at the moment of a long term personal relationship with this man, but I am an optimist.

What will be difficult, however, is that we also have a business relationship.  He has recently invested in my business which, given the opportunity and the financial backing, should prove to be successful.  He now owns 50% of my business.  He is also throwing this into my face (when he's been drinking, of course)...and accuses me of lying to him about the financial end of my business and how he has just thrown away a ton of money on a loser.  Sober, he's very supportive of what I do.  I am afraid that this situation will ultimately ruin my chances of being successful.  I am in a situation right now where I must rely on him for help with paying my bills. 

I could go on and on..but I don't need to right now.  I know that there are others in far worse situations than this and it is encouraging to know that I can come here anytime I need to just talk.

thank  you

Hello and welcome

 

Alanon is for those affected by others drinking as the others have said.

here is a good series of books to read "getting them sober". It will help you understand the insanity in your relationship with an active alcoholic.

It is as though the author is a fly on the wall in my house.

Hello Sno , I hope ufind al anon meetings for youself, it really dosn't matter if he is alcoholic or not what matters is how this is affecting you. Until he says what he's doing is causing him a problem it Isn't , i's causing u problem.  Drunk or sober abuse is totally unexceptable. In Al-Anon u will learn to set boundaries for your relationship and detach from his behavior. Until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change.