I am back on that roller coaster again.  I am not sure I can handle this for much longer. 

My h went for a week to AA, and I got my darn hopes up.  I have a problem with expectations, and I am working on it.  But he has stopped going, and has started drinking heavily again, and I lost it tonight.  I have been on edge all week, and tonight he forgot to tell me that my best friend had given birth that morning.  I held my tongue a bit, but he knew I was upset, and I suggested that he try going to TX again, because we need a break.  He got angry, and stated that he was leaving tomorrow, etc etc. 

I went back and forth, saying that I did not want him to leave, that we need him, etc.  But in my heart I am not sure.  It sure is more peaceful and less stressful around here without him.  He hasn't worked in close to 3 years, and all he does is (mostly, he does cook at times, and takes care of the kids), but mostly he sits at home.  He has been looking for a job somewhat, but can't find one.   And he got a DUI 2 weeks ago, and doesn't have the money for an attorney.  He goes back in about 3 weeks for his sentencing. 

I don't know what I want.  I don't know if I can keep doing this.  And I know I am acting as insane as he is, but it's been harder and harder to battle that.  I have been going to f2f meetings, and it helps for a time, but I seem to keep getting sucked back in. 

I am trying to take care of myself, and my kids, but it's so hard when I can't count on him at all, and don't know if he'll even be around tomorrow.  Do I set up before and after school care just in case?  That's an extra 75 bucks I wasn't planning on.  Do I give him a gas card so he can leave?  (He doesn't have an money). 

I guess I'll give myself permission to say "I don't know" for a day or two, and pray.  But I am heartbroken. 

Hello cah! Very sorry to hear about your situation. You have such hard decisions to make. Please continue to share and I hope you can immerse yourself in the support of loving people who have the wisdom and guts to give you what you need right now. This sounds like a horrible place to be in. I would wish it on no one. Please keep posting and sharing! Sooner

Alot of us do not know what we want.  So you're normal there.  You say you know you're acting insane, I've been there too.  I get sucked back in also.  The difference is now with al anon, I know how to get back out of the insanity.  I no longer stay in that insanity.  I read my daily lit, go to more meetings if necessary, go online if I can't get to meetings.  Besides all that I don't let my kid play, .....I play with him.   He enjoys it more, so do I, plus it takes my mind away.  Then I exercise in the fresh air, if possible.  The more insane it gets in my house, the more I do outside.

You say you are trying to take care of yourself & the kids.  Of course you gotta do the everyday stuff, homework, eating, etc, but encorporate some creative stuff (drawing, reading, singing, dancing, walking)  Ask your kids what they would like to do (not involving money).  Clean up the kids room with the kids with some music on, & donate the toys they don't need/want/use to some charity.

Whether you should set up after school care, I don't know, but it is a good idea to always have a back up plan in anything you do!  You're back up plan will serve you in 2 ways.  One it will be a back up plan in case, and 2 it will give you peace of mind so you don't have to worry, in case.

Do I give him a gas card so he can leave?  (He doesn't have an money). mmmmmmm, let's see all the possiblities he could do with this.     1  not leave;  2 not leave & go & get alcohol;  3 not leave & go out with it;   4 leave & blame you    5 leave  & come back       6 leave & get alcohol      7   leave

You can't control him, nor what he'll do with that gas card.  So if you give him the gas card, be sure you can live with whatever he does with it. 

Just get thru today. 

quote:

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Originally posted by: De Anna
....if you give him the gas card, be sure you can live with whatever he does with it.  Just get thru today.  "

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Deanna that one sentence says so much about living with an a and giving them anything....be prepared to live with what they do with it. Wow. I'm gonna put that one on the top tier of my "toolbox".

Thanks for that!

cah, I guess your leaving is not an option if he won't.  Try to look after yourself and your children first.  Would they be safer in after school care?  That should help you make that decision. 

Take care,

Bonnie 

cah,

Can so relate.  My A just started drinking again a couple of days after getting his 90 day chip.  I could see it coming.  He had been stressing out tremendously about my relationship with my son.  Now that he has started drinking again he apoligized to my son for being an ass in not wanting him around and being jeolous of sharing me with him.  Just can't figure this life out.  Guess insanity is just insanity.  Keep taking care of you.  I'll keep trying to take care of me. 

 

(((((cah))))))

Please keep going to face to face meetings. They may only seem to help for a brief amount of time, but remember.... BABY STEPS  The DUI that he received may make your decision for you.  Ask for your HP to give you guidance and live everyday with your children as if it were the last. Reality is;  Life is not a dress rehearsal. 

LET GO AND LET GOD take care of your A.. Take this time to focus on you and your recovery.  Live ONE DAY AT A TIME and Keep up the great progress..

IF GOD BRINGS YOU TO IT

               GOD WILL BRING YOU THROUGH IT!!!

 

Thanks y'all. 

I am better, it's a wonder what daylight does for ya......nights are always hard. 

He is still here, I didn't really think he'd leave. 

I could leave, but I don't want to. 

And I guess I am unsure now about how to treat him.  He is severely depressed, and I have read and reread my pamplet on detachment, and done my readings, but it's hard to detach when your living with the person and you have kids!

I have been in Al Anon enough to know that we cannot have a 'normal' marriage, or even a healthy relationship.  But I don't want to treat him as a roommate.  Is there a middle ground?  One where I can keep my sanity and marriage?

*hugs* all

Hello cah, I could not find that elusive middle ground you speak of. By trying to be peacable all I did was enable. I perpetuated the sickness and actually made it worse by being passive. Giving it more time simply made it worse and further entrenched the depression and the disease. Plus I got less and less respect. I had become a professional doormat. She began to treat me worse and worse, not better and better. There were of course good days as well as bad but the overal trend was a slow, steady, downward sprial. The worse part is what I was modeling for my children. I modled for them that when people treat you like crap you just take it. This is just some of my experince and not advice. I'm glad you are feeling better today. I wish the best for you and your family! Sooner

hi connie!

after reading your post, and all your responses, i guess all i have to say is...it's up to you and  your hp, dear....

everyone has shared their own experiences, and their feelings on things, but the bottom line is...you have to go with your own gutt on what you do.   other people's experiences always help us get some perspective, but in the end...we have to do what we know hp and i can have peace with at the end of the day.  and it seems we always do have some gutt feeling on what we should do.  it helps so much to hear what others have done, and helps us determine what is right for us.  so....study your replies, but in then end, do what gives YOU PEACE....  that's all that matters.  we all have a different solution.....and yours  is yours...

i wish you the BEST, connie!

llori